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Thread: Young mothers...should you have waited?

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    Default Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Recently My clock has been ticking I'm 20..... 21 tomorrow * heyyyyyy* bank night fosho....
    anyways I always wanted to have my babies young so by the time I'm 40 I can enjoy my middle aged sagging self and be "free" of changing diapers driving to practices ect. My mom did that and she's so happy, we're grown and self-sufficient and she can enjoy the rest of her life. She had my sister( who's also a dancer) and I, back to back from 18- 22 years of age. She's beautiful ( shit mama could dance her self, don't play lol). What do you think, specifically speaking to the mothers and will it effect my dancing? I plan to be very careful about my weight gain, Stretch marks ect and most definitely if the girls go south I will have a lift if absolutely necessary.
    But I do want a lil bambino..... sighs...

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Ahahaha... I like how you think they'll move out at 18. Or that you'll be free of them - ever.

    Of course it'll effect your dancing. It will effect everything.

    And your clock can tick at 20? My clock is trying to rewind itself!


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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Having a child at any age, there is alot to think about. I for one, am glad I waited to start a family.

    Are you in a serious relationship and does he want kids?

    Will he be a good father?

    What will you do to support yourself while pregnant and NOT dancing?

    If you intend to return to dancing afetr, have you thought of who will be watching your baby while you work?

    If your not returning to dancing after, are you going to be able to support this child the way s/he deserves?

    Think about how your body changes during the process. You may not loose the baby weight very fast, you may be riddled with stretch marks...and if you needed a C-section, the lengthy healing time and toll it takes on your body.

    Having a child is not like having a dog or a cat. Its a long EXPENSIVE yet rewarding journey that you must commit to and can't just decide one day to change your mind when it gets too hard. I see alot of young girls having kids because they think its cool, or makes them feel like they are apart of some group, just to realize the job is harder than they they thought and not as glamourous and wind up dumping their child off with their parent expecting to return to their own lives to finish out "living the party life".


    I don't advise having children at your age. Have fun and thoroughly plan for a baby....later.

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Your clock is ticking at 20? You don't even have a clock at 20. At 20 you don't even have an hourglass.

    The time when you should have a baby is when...

    1-You are in a stable, committed relationship, preferably married.
    2-Both you and your partner are emotionally and financially capable of raising a child

    Having a child isn't about you as much as it is about the child. Some of the reasons you give for wanting this now include being able to enjoy your life after the kid(s) have moved out. If that's how you're already thinking, I'd encourage you, no, implore you to not have any for a while.

    Enjoy your youth instead of wanting to enjoy your middle age or whatever.

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    um. dont do it now.... i agree about you not even having a clock yet...

    slowwww dowwwwnnnnn.

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    listening with open ears.......

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Well I'll be 20 in a month and I cannot even fathom having a child. i mean to each her own but...

    My mom always told me not to have a kid before I did EVERYTHING that I wanted to do. Partied my butt off, traveled wherever I want to travel, bought what I wanted to buy, whatever else you can think of, because once you have a child your life isn't about you anymore and you are never going to be your 1st priority agiain. So I'd make sure you're seriously ready for that 1st.


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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    [QUOTE=Mr Hyde;1409443]Your clock is ticking at 20? You don't even have a clock at 20. At 20 you don't even have an hourglass.

    QUOTE]


    I laughed so hard at that.

    But I agree. 20 to me is way too young to make a decision that will change every day of the rest of your life.

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Damn-my clock isn't ticking at 31! Well except for puppies and kitties. Maybe I'll have kids at 40 or so.

    As for being free at 40-my one friend did this to her kid-tossed her out at 18 (mom was 36) so she could have party time. Since the kid 'ruined' her 20s. So now she's not in school, had to move in with the bf, and feels like the jerk who ruined her mom's life. Bad move.

    Go get your education and save-buy a house or get a good solid financial base . Then you can have a kid and worry less. Kid plus rent plus car plus stripping can turn you into one of those chicks crying at the club because they can't pay the sitter.

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Quote Originally Posted by RoseLeigh View Post
    Damn-my clock isn't ticking at 31! Well except for puppies and kitties. Maybe I'll have kids at 40 or so.

    As for being free at 40-my one friend did this to her kid-tossed her out at 18 (mom was 36) so she could have party time. Since the kid 'ruined' her 20s. So now she's not in school, had to move in with the bf, and feels like the jerk who ruined her mom's life. Bad move.

    Go get your education and save-buy a house or get a good solid financial base . Then you can have a kid and worry less. Kid plus rent plus car plus stripping can turn you into one of those chicks crying at the club because they can't pay the sitter.
    well I do have an associates in applied sciences for nursing.
    I'm takin this semester off for personal reasons..

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Quote Originally Posted by thickienikkie View Post
    well I do have an associates in applied sciences for nursing.
    I'm takin this semester off for personal reasons..
    Ahh, well that's a good start-nursing's good stuff.

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    ok, i'll chime in on this one since i think about this frequently.

    first, i'll say i LOVE my kids to death. i would lay my life down in an instant for them

    HOWEVER.....

    i had my first when i was 21 yrs old. my second at 23, third at 27.

    being 31 now, there are many days where i wish i waited. i didn't get to travel, i didn't get to finish out college, i didn't get to party with my friends. i missed out out on my carefree 20's. we rarely go out. it's like pulling teeth to get a babysitter that we can trust.

    i was fortunate with my husband. but most 20 somethings aren't. we have been together since i was 15, and married at 21. we were able to buy our house at 23 yrs old, when he was fresh out of college. we were also fortunate that we lived with his parents during my first pregnancy (i was on bedrest for 5 months) and for the first 2 yrs of my first son's life so hubby could finish college, so we didn't have to struggle a lot.

    BUT, what if you have a baby and something is wrong with it? are you able to deal with another human that has special needs... downs, autism, cerebral palsy, or worse? we had a hard enough time dealing with my sons severe reflux...EXCESSIVE vomiting constantly. not just a little spit up, then came the diagnosis of moderate deafness in both ears requiring hearing aids, behavior problems stemming from that and then diagnosis of sensory integration disorder and ADD. are you prepared to deal with any of these? I couldn't imagine having to deal with something worse than we did.

    i do regret sometimes that i didn't wait. i had the mindset also of "get them out of the house by the time i'm 40. HA! we were living with my parents in laws at 21 yrs old....WITH my sis in law and her husband at one point for about 8 months! and they were in their late 20's! kids are never TRULY out of the house! lol

    you're sooo young, please go have fun! wait till your in a stable relationship, or at the very least, being extremely stable yourself, not just financial wise but emotionally. are you prepared to give up everything for a little 8lb being?

    go be a nanny of a baby. that'll help with the baby tick tock, lol and best yet, you get to leave at night when that baby is keeping the parents awake! lol and you get the weekends off to play!





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    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Nikkie, please do not breed. Get a betta fish instead, they're great.

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    Nikkie, please do not breed. Get a betta fish instead, they're great.

    ROFLMAO!


    oh and keep a heating blanket under it's bowl so it stays warm, lolol





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    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    That might involve a bit more maternal responsibility than nikkie is ready for though.

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Hmmm this is a VERY touchy sensitive subject for me, Thickienikkie, but for some weird reason it keeps popping up a lot in the last couple of days no matter where I turn LOL. So I will add my feedback to it.

    About your situation: In this day and age, people are living longer and healthier lives at older ages. Your 40s are not what they used to be. So I don't think age is as much of an issue these days as it was in the past, if you are concerned about that.

    As for choosing to have kids at 21, well that is ultimately up to you and it wouldn't be my place to judge. However, I'd recommend a strong sense of financial stability and a man that you feel secure with...not just emotionally, but financially, and someone you could imagine being with long-term. Do you really feel completely secure with your current guy? On the up side, you do have a 9-5 desk job that you could work during the months of pregnancy that you are unable to dance. Plus, you have an education(make sure you eventually finish! you go girl!) so that there'll be even more career options available for you. And you already have basic stability, such as your own place, a car, etc.

    However, I'm starting to think that you're asking this hypothetically...I don't think you're actually trying to have a kid right now. Am I correct?

    About my situation: Okay I did not plan to have kids until I was married and in my late 20s/early 30s, but at age 23 I ended up pregnant. However, I was confident of my stability and recent successes(dancing allowed me to go from "zero" finances/accomplishments to doing well for myself in a relatively short period of time), and I was/is morally opposed to abortion, so I decided that the best thing would be to "man up" to my responsibilities and raise it. There were a few hurdles along the way that I did not have immediate answers to(e.g., such as the issue of not having health insurance at the time), but overall I had my head on straight and I was able to draw up a reasonable budget. Workwise I was only dancing at the time BUT I had a Bachelor's degree and I was helping a successful political campaign. So what happened?...all these people underestimated my capabilities and told me to either get an abortion or apply for Medicaid. (I made too much money for Medicaid and I could do fine without it, thankyouverymuch ) It hurt and insulted me. To be honest, even a few people on SW sounded a bit opposed to me being a parent.

    In the end, all the stress caused me to miscarry.

    Here's the clincher: Before I got pregnant, I was not planning/wanting to have kids anytime soon if I had a choice. After the miscarriage, I realized that perhaps it was a good thing that I still had the freedom of not caring for a kid, BUT I felt sad and resentful that everyone had undermined me. I started feeling like I wanted to "show them" or "make them eat their words." I keep obsessing about all the great things I would do if I were a parent. I find myself criticizing bad parenting that I witness or hear about. It's gotten to the point that a few people have literally suggested I seek counselling because the whole pregnancy scenario obviously had a profound psychological effect on me, even 2yrs later. If I never encountered the whole pregnancy situation, today I probably would never even think about pregnancy/kids/my capabilities as a parent. But I did encounter it, and I honestly wonder if maybe I would have been psychologically "better off" and more self-confident/secure if I had the kid(despite the decreased freedom and money).

    It's at the point where I'll hear about ex-friends/frenemies/haters having kids, and I'll actually start resenting them for it...e.g., I had a lot of resent about Nicole Richie's pregnancy. (thinking "Oh it's 'ok' for an anorexic druggie to have a kid, but I wasn't good enough for anything better than an abortion?") Ugh. The resentment doesn't happen with friends, people who respect me, or people I'm neutral to...the resentment only seems to happen when it involves old friends who ditched me, or the like. It's weird. When I was poor and without a "career" job, I found myself feeling similar resentment towards the haters who slacked off all through school yet still ended up with a better job/salary than my min wage job at that time. Ugh.
    Last edited by PhillyDancer1982; 02-19-2008 at 12:23 PM.

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    That might involve a bit more maternal responsibility than nikkie is ready for though.

    I can too take care of a fish!

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Get a kid for a weekend. Better yet, longer than that. Better yet, get a kid in the terrible two's. I'm talking FULL RESPONSIBILITY, none of this mother's helper light fluff. Couple this with the financial responsibility of providing food and paying a babysitter. See how much you want a baby after the umpteenth temper tantrum or after going several days without enough sleep.

    Also, who's going to be your accomplice in breeding? Some babydaddy who probably won't stick around?
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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    Nikkie, please do not breed. Get a betta fish instead, they're great.
    I must say, I am known as the girl that can't keep pets alive. I was super excited when a friend told me to get a beta fish because he said "They're nearly impossible to kill." Well.....mine died in 6 days. Now I have a kitten and she's doing great. LOL. I guess I should stick to animals that can communicate.But to answer Nikkie. I personally don't have children, but I've been taking care of them my entire life. I've always wanted to have my first by 25, but know that I'm almost 25; I realized I can wait. I know it sounds like forever, but I want my child(ren) to have a stable home, married parents, secure finances etc. Plus, I've realized that I am too selfish right now to have a child. I'd rather by stripper clothes than diapers, I like to sleep at night (and my 8 yr. old brother STILL wakes up crying some nights) and I like to come and go as I please.
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    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Quote Originally Posted by Taylorlila View Post

    My mom always told me not to have a kid before I did EVERYTHING that I wanted to do. Partied my butt off, traveled wherever I want to travel, bought what I wanted to buy, whatever else you can think of, because once you have a child your life isn't about you anymore and you are never going to be your 1st priority agiain. So I'd make sure you're seriously ready for that 1st.
    Yeah the one thing that I'd like to do before having kids is to buy a house. But apparently some people on here and other places are opposed to me doing that, too. People make things so f-ing frustrating. I really wish people would see me as capable. Why is it a recurrent pattern in my life, for people to undermine me and discourage me from doing something, then when I do it anyway, I end up proving that I'm the best at it?? If that's the case, why are people STILL undermining me? I WILL get my house.

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    that you had to ask advice on whether or not to have a baby shows that you are not sure.... it's not something to do if you're not POSITIVE you can handle it.

    Do what you wish, but if you have to ask.........

  22. #22
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Yeah if you can wait do it. Just for the record, my long rant was not about CHOOSING to have kids at 23, but simply living up to a responsibility despite it being a little off the originally chartered plan.

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    It breaks my heart to see naive, sparkly-eyed girls who just LOOOOVE BAY-BEES so much that they want one RIGHT NOW! A kid is the ultimate personal responsibility, and it disturbs me that some people put more thought into their next cell phone than a kid. Kids are precious and should only be born to people who will love AND provide for them. Not one or the other, both. I hate it when people pull the, "But love is more important than money," argument. I'm not talking about being rich, I'm talking about being able to afford to feed, clothe, shelter, and get medical care for the kid. The kid should have BOTH.

    I've always known the significance and importance of this decision. I'm the first of 6 kids, and I had to do a lot of raising because my mom is insane and my dad worked long hours. When you have kids, your life is no longer your own.
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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982 View Post
    Hmmm this is a VERY touchy sensitive subject for me, Thickienikkie, but for some weird reason it keeps popping up a lot in the last couple of days no matter where I turn LOL. So I will add my feedback to it.

    About your situation: In this day and age, people are living longer and healthier lives at older ages. Your 40s are not what they used to be. So I don't think age is as much of an issue these days as it was in the past, if you are concerned about that.

    As for choosing to have kids at 21, well that is ultimately up to you and it wouldn't be my place to judge. However, I'd recommend a strong sense of financial stability and a man that you feel secure with...not just emotionally, but financially, and someone you could imagine being with long-term. Do you really feel completely secure with your current guy? On the up side, you do have a 9-5 desk job that you could work during the months of pregnancy that you are unable to dance. Plus, you have an education(make sure you eventually finish! you go girl!) so that there'll be even more career options available for you. And you already have basic stability, such as your own place, a car, etc.

    However, I'm starting to think that you're asking this hypothetically...I don't think you're actually trying to have a kid right now. Am I correct?

    About my situation: Okay I did not plan to have kids until I was married and in my late 20s/early 30s, but at age 23 I ended up pregnant. However, I was confident of my stability and recent successes(dancing allowed me to go from "zero" finances/accomplishments to doing well for myself in a relatively short period of time), and I was/is morally opposed to abortion, so I decided that the best thing would be to "man up" to my responsibilities and raise it. There were a few hurdles along the way that I did not have immediate answers to(e.g., such as the issue of not having health insurance at the time), but overall I had my head on straight and I was able to draw up a reasonable budget. Workwise I was only dancing at the time BUT I had a Bachelor's degree and I was helping a successful political campaign. So what happened?...all these people underestimated my capabilities and told me to either get an abortion or apply for Medicaid. (I made too much money for Medicaid and I could do fine without it, thankyouverymuch ) It hurt and insulted me. To be honest, even a few people on SW sounded a bit opposed to me being a parent.

    In the end, all the stress caused me to miscarry.

    Here's the clincher: Before I got pregnant, I was not planning/wanting to have kids anytime soon if I had a choice. After the miscarriage, I realized that perhaps it was a good thing that I still had the freedom of not caring for a kid, BUT I felt sad and resentful that everyone had undermined me. I started feeling like I wanted to "show them" or "make them eat their words." I keep obsessing about all the great things I would do if I were a parent. I find myself criticizing bad parenting that I witness or hear about. It's gotten to the point that a few people have literally suggested I seek counselling because the whole pregnancy scenario obviously had a profound psychological effect on me, even 2yrs later. If I never encountered the whole pregnancy situation, today I probably would never even think about pregnancy/kids/my capabilities as a parent. But I did encounter it, and I honestly wonder if maybe I would have been psychologically "better off" and more self-confident/secure if I had the kid(despite the decreased freedom and money).

    It's at the point where I'll hear about ex-friends/frenemies/haters having kids, and I'll actually start resenting them for it...e.g., I had a lot of resent about Nicole Richie's pregnancy. (thinking "Oh it's 'ok' for an anorexic druggie to have a kid, but I wasn't good enough for anything better than an abortion?") Ugh. The resentment doesn't happen with friends, people who respect me, or people I'm neutral to...the resentment only seems to happen when it involves old friends who ditched me, or the like. It's weird. When I was poor and without a "career" job, I found myself feeling similar resentment towards the haters who slacked off all through school yet still ended up with a better job/salary than my min wage job at that time. Ugh.
    Wanting to prove something to others is a terrible reason to have a child, though it's understandable you'd feel resentful at having your capabilities doubted. I'm glad you didn't go ahead and have an 'I'll show you all' baby. When and if you do have one, I'm sure it will be for the right reasons and that you'll rise to the occasion, as most parents manage to. We forget that there are far more 'good enough' parents than there are truly bad ones, and if you really do want a child and are morally against abortion, then parenthood might well be the right decision for you if you were to fall pregnant unplanned.

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    Default Re: Young mothers...should you have waited?

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982 View Post
    Yeah the one thing that I'd like to do before having kids is to buy a house. But apparently some people on here and other places are opposed to me doing that, too. People make things so f-ing frustrating. I really wish people would see me as capable. Why is it a recurrent pattern in my life, for people to undermine me and discourage me from doing something, then when I do it anyway, I end up proving that I'm the best at it?? If that's the case, why are people STILL undermining me? I WILL get my house.
    Why do you let people on an online board tell you what you can and can't do? Your life is your choice, and no-one knows your capabilities better than you yourself do.

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