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Thread: Returning to Dancing Decision

  1. #1
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    Default Returning to Dancing Decision

    I have a friend that is having some issues and is wondering about going back to dancing. I apologize about its length but I thought the details were important.

    She worked 7 years at a couple of clubs that allowed extras. Has a BS and she also graduated from a prestigious school about a year ago and is now working in that field. She was dancing and going to school when I met her. I was twice a month regular and was separated. She was going to quit and finish the last part of her program and suggested seeing me out of the club to show me the area. I lived 150 miles away and was only in the area on business.

    She quit, we text to meet for dinner. She text and had to cancel. A month later I text and she did not respond so I figure it didn’t work out.

    Five months later her friend tells me she is dancing at another club and I should go see her. I said no, it would be awkward and she encourages me to go. I later found out she had only quit the business for a month. And wonder why her friend waited so long to tell me she was there.

    I finally go and she tells me she thought of me every time she walked past the office I would visit for work, she lost her phone and my number, she missed me. I think she just started back dancing there and we make plans to get together. She was going to graduate from school soon and be working in the new career but school, finals and work was so hard to do. She tells me the money dancing wasn’t good anymore either and started to work part time in her new career.

    I ask her friend about a gift idea for graduation and ask the school if there is a traditional gift for her field. The school said money for tuition was the best gift. I send her the gift, she quits dancing and graduates.

    We text and talked daily for two months with an occasional email. We go out on 7 dates, have sex once. She told me she was dating someone else that she worked with on our first date. I knew I didn’t have a chance because of the long hours together and the camaraderie of working hard together. She finally told me she wanted to commit to the other guy and wanted to be friends. She also told me he was the owner where she worked. She would email and text once in a while after that.

    She called and told me she was sick and wanted to see me. We meet and she has a high fever and would be going to the doctor. I told her to go home but she was upset with problems with her mom and we talked. I offered her a loan for her mom’s problems and agree on the terms and dates. She calls hysterical on her way home not to text because he might see them since she is so out of it and can’t delete them.

    I follow up with an email to see how she is and week later she texts how she is better; it was nice to see me and misses me. I return the text I miss her too.

    I get a voice mail threatening me and telling me to not mess with his stuff and he knows everything about me and her. I text her to be careful because I got the threat and she said it couldn’t be him, his isn’t like that and he was OK with her knowing me.

    I get an email a couple weeks later saying goodbye from her. He had been reading her email and texts. He denied the voice mail but she told him everything including dancing and she could understand his point of view about me.

    I looked at the texts and emails and they were all about me wishing her luck with the new guy and family, school stuff.

    I reply and tell her I never lost a friend before but it is ok and forget the money owed from her mom. I check with her friend that guy isn’t beating her and she said he isn’t and is a good guy.

    A month later she emails and apologizes and told me he had forced her to write the email and misses me. She says she is sorry but he still is a good guy and I can text an email now. They are going to move in together.

    I send her two of books, the last of her stuff. He calls and wants to have a man to man talk. Screaming he then threatens me again but also threats that he is going to call my children, my ex, and my parents that his girlfriend used to give me HJ at the strip club she worked at. I told him it was just two of her books and she was going to be upset about him calling me. He told me not to send anything else. I told him I wasn’t going to tell her and that he should tell her what he did. I think he might have hung up on me during when I told him to tell her.

    I check with her friend and they have had a falling out about past dancer stuff. But she volunteers to check and he still isn’t beating her so I drop it.

    She would text an email once in awhile during the next thee months and I email her to wish her a happy birthday. She emails that she can’t believe I remembered, how her phone can’t text out and she calls me. She tells me how great everything is, she is busy at work and with the holidays and she is working three different jobs at work for extra money. I asked her if told he had called and she said he still denies the voice mail and she is mad at what he has done. She emails that they talked and he admitted we talked man to man and it was my idea not to tell her.

    A month later she emails me happy holidays

    A month after that she emails questions about my kids, my divorce, how am I etc.
    I didn’t respond and she emails again and sounds like something is wrong. She emails and tells her phone text is still broke. I email her a way to fix her phone and she emails that she bought a new one and text is ok. She emails and said she was fine but wants out of her relationship especially after what he did to me. I email back saying don’t base it on what he did to me, he didn’t do anything to me I was only worried about what it meant between the two of them. But he crossed the line when he mentioned my kids.

    I month later, (now) she wants advice on what to do. She is wrestling with and has been depressed so much about deciding to dance again. She misses the money, the party atmosphere, the sexual side of things, and the lack of responsibility. She also talks about the problems and the negative health aspects, the bad people, the issue of money /doing what she did and many more reasons not to dance again. She stopped for a lap dance recently and was dancer overcharged her credit card and was devasted by the girl’s actions.

    She also tells me her goals are still the same wanting a nice apartment, owning her own business in her new career, a decent car but wants it like when she only worked 3-4 days when she was dancing. When she quit dancing she had plans for her career, sold her expensive car and got a used one, stop the salon costs, really focused on making a success. She works three jobs now, nights, weekends, holidays.

    She also said she wants to get out of the relationship but she is trapped because everything is so entwined. She works with him, lives with him, he is on her cell bill, pays his gym membership. She told me she loaned him money so he wouldn’t lose his business. She stated it was the money I loaned her for mom. She said she wants to leave but doesn’t know how.

    She also tells me he is a good guy, has been good to her, and loves him unconditional.

    She tells me she wants to be alone for awhile and never really has been too able to explore the world and life by herself.

    I don’t know what advice I should give her. What should I do?

    Her friend told me that the money dancing isn’t that good anymore, the extras are an issue, and the negative aspects are so much stronger now and told me that she was the inspiration for many of the girls who were in school and had career goals.

    I tried to come up with several responses and I honestly didn’t think of the first one, my friend did.

    He said tell her good luck. He thinks everything she has told me has been a lie. He wonders how many other guys are being taken in by this con. She said she wants to pay back the money I loaned her that she loaned her boyfriend. She only mentioned that she loaned it to him when she was talking about being trapped. No apology.

    Give her advice not to dance; advice her to suck it up in a regular job (has BS) and work in her new career and build her skills/gain experience with a part time job, drop him and make a plan for him to pay us back. Help her leave him.

    Give her advice not to dance; advice her to suck it up in a regular job (has BS) and save to do her new career, drop him and make a plan for him to pay us back. Help her leave.

    Tell her to dance.

    I honestly think she is a genuine good person. I fully expect him to blame me somehow but I really want to help her. She hasn’t asked for money and if she was trying to con me why tell me about wanting to be alone and that she still loves him.

    Please help me tell her what to do or what I should do.

    Thank You.



  2. #2
    Featured Member thechaosfairy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Returning to Dancing Decision

    The guy is 100% classic abuser. Abuse is not just beating.

    Unfortunately part of the pattern of abuse is that it happens drop by drop; by the time someone is in a bad situation like this, not leaving has become a habit. One little justification for each awful thing the abuser does... stacking up and stacking up until the abused person can sell any story to themself.

    If you can get any information through to her, pick up a 'list of signs of abuse' pamphlet from a local domestic violence shelter and give that to her... but be very careful, because if he sees it he might flip.

    If he tells you she's trying to con you, it's likely untrue. The fact that he says it makes it automatically suspicious. I would side on that she gave him the money because of his psychological control. These things happen in an abusive relationship. The $ is probably gone, but that's not the worst thing she can lose and not the worst thing you can lose either. Count yourself lucky he hasn't tried to kill her.

    If she's working three jobs, most likely he's stealing her money. Also most likely she's under enough stress to be a wee bit irrational.

    Do what you can to help her get out. Just remember in the process that abusers are *dangerous*. Getting away from one, there's no looking back. A confrontation can be fatal or can lead to stalking. It's better to make sure she ends up in another town, or another state.

    It's up to her to decide whether she wants to dance or not, but she's got to decide with a clear head, and it sounds like dancing probably isn't going to clear her head right now. But neither is anything else until she gets away.

    I congratulate you for going into this thinking ahead and not with a naive "rescue" mentality.

    Best of luck to you and to her; she'll need it.

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    Default Re: Returning to Dancing Decision

    I'd tell her to fuck off. Is your life really so boring that you need someone to bring such drama into it? She hasn't asked you for money... yet. When she does, don't give it to her. Watch the drama start flowing. Yes, her bf sounds like a dickhead. He's not beating her but she probably should leave him. Say your peice and be done with it. You don't have to worry about her dancing or not. It's her life and for her to decide.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

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    Default Re: Returning to Dancing Decision

    Your story is kinda hard to follow. I don't know if the muddle is on your end or on hers, but a story this convoluted is a huge red flag to me. I know I would run the other way from this situation and that's my advice for you, too.

    You gave her money for school and she gave it to her boyfriend? Her phone is broken or lost when it's convenient, but magically fixed when she needs to call you and ask for help?

    How exactly do you think you're going to "help" her? Are you going to rescue her by physical force from her evil, manipulative boyfriend? Are you going to support her financially for the several years it might take her to get her non-dancing career sorted out? Are you going to lend her more money after what she did with the first loan? Does this story perhaps end with you and her having hot sex and living happily ever after?

    It's not your responsibility to save her. It's probably not even a good idea. It might not even be possible. She's a grown woman of at least normal intelligence, right? What can you do for her that she can't -- and shouldn't -- do for herself? What are you expecting to get in return?

    While rescue fantasies may seem very sweet and noble and altruistic on the surface, there's often hidden desire to control the "helpless" rescuee. Some women exploit this, consciously or unconsciously, and bounce fromer rescuer to rescuer all their lives. They may see each new guy as a savior for a little while, but soon he'll be another manipulative bastard from whom the next savior will have to rescue her all over again.


    Is this really a game you want to play? Check yourself.

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    Default Re: Returning to Dancing Decision

    Thanks for your feedback. To clairfy, I was looking to hear if your experiences as dancers and with knowlege of other dancers experiences that you could share your insights to what advice be offered to her, since that is what she asked for. I know I question'd her motives but I am trying to help her as a friend. In this case a male friend with her interests in mind. In summary, should I advise her to return to dancing and I think we all agree, advise her to leave the guy safely.

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