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Thread: estranged brother - please help!

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    Default estranged brother - please help!

    My older brother has been estranged from my family for about 7-8 years now and I was hoping anyone who has experience with this could share some advice for me. Let's see I'm not sure where to even start so forgive me if I ramble.
    We were always really close when I was younger. Our Father died when we were all young and it was my Mom and us. My Mom went crazy for a year or two but that was normal I think given her situation. She never re-married or had men in the house. When I got older I went boy crazy and loved to party so I feel like that put a wedge between my brother and me. He wasn't the "experimental" type like I was. He went off to college and got a great job with the government and got married and years later got divorced. The only reason I gave all of that information was because there wasn't any skeleton's in our closet that could have pushed us apart. Just normal family shit. The worse thing is I think my sister and brother resented all the attention I was given from my Mother when I was a teenager but if she didn't do that I think I would have been dead by now.
    SO after his divorce it started happening. No calls no visits. He doesn't call my Mom for Mother's Day Christmas or her birthday. He doesn't speak to my sister or me either. No explanations. The only way I have of seeing where he is or what he is up to is his MySpace page. He won't add me as his friend but he hasn't blocked me from viewing his page or blogs either.
    One part of me is really angry because he was my best friend and he is my family and I've changed. I'm not the reckless person I was before. Plus my Mother is getting older and her last wish is that her children have each other after she passes on. She feels so sad because she feels like she must have been a bad Mother for her son to completely cut himself off. That really hurts me to watch my Mother in that pain because she did everything for her family. She sacrificed more than necessary. I have so many questions. Why would he do this? HOW can he do this to her? The other part of me is sad. I miss him so much. I feel like he's the closest thing to my Father and I want to be able to talk to him and ask him for advice. I want my children to have an Uncle.
    SO from reading his MySpace page I have learned that he is also a DJ part time and he has a date at the end of March about 5 hours from me. So I was thinking maybe I would show up. I'm not going to flip out and ask WHY but I just want to hug him and tell him I love him. My Mother gave me a home video when we were kids and I was thinking of making a copy and giving it to him to hopefully remind him that things weren't always so bad and we were a tight unit once.
    So I'm not sure if I'm invading his privacy or not by showing up. I have prepared myself for the worst. He could tell me to get out. He could even pretend to not know who the hell I am. Plus now my boyfriend wants to go and meet him. I'm sort of the fence about that. I sort of feel like I want to go alone but yet again maybe I need the support.
    So I guess I'm looking for advice or something or maybe thoughts from anyone who has a family member who is MIA or maybe someone who doesn't speak to their family. I feel like my heart is broken and even if he lets us back in maybe things will never be the same?
    Thanks for listening!

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    Default Re: estranged brother - please help!

    I don't really have any experience with MIA family members, but I just wanted to say that I was very moved by your post. Any brother would be lucky to have a sister that cares about him so much. I hope you find the closure you're looking for.

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    Default Re: estranged brother - please help!

    definitly do not show up for his date, thats just weird and rude. but you SHOULD call him or even message /mail him on myspace. tell him you miss him and say you'dl ike to go get dinner or whatever some time and catch up.
    you say that he hasn't called, but a phone works both ways. have you tried calling him or even writing him a letter or email?

    my brother is very private about his life as well, but i call him every so often and set up a time where we go eat dinner see how each other is doing, etc. my brother has pretty much cut himself off from our parents too, which is fine by me, as i'm about to do the same thing.

    write him and let him know that you miss him and that you have a old home video you thought he might like a copy of. see how that goes, but don't show up for his date. think about it... would you want him to show up on your date? probably not.

    and about not adding on myspace- maybe he doesnt want to add you bc he feels he would then have to censor his myspace activities for your benefit? so that you don't get dissapointed or worried or freak out or whatever and whatnot.

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    Default Re: estranged brother - please help!

    I actually have written him via his e-mail and MySpace account without a response. About 2-3 years ago I asked if I could come to his show and he had said that it was going to be an "underwear" party and he wouldn't feel comfortable with me being there for that one. He has never officially gave me his phone number so I don't feel comfortable using it.

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    Default Re: estranged brother - please help!

    I'll answer this from the perspective of the estranged brother, because that's sort of my situation. I haven't talked to my family in many, many years. After a while, I lost the emotional connection of them being "my family". To me emotionally, they are just some people I grew up with, like people from high school or something.

    So I would say to not try an force the family issue with your brother. Don't say how important family is, how he should get to know his mom, etc. Those emotions might not mean anything to him. Instead, try to get to know him as a person. Just be his friend.

    So if you write to him, do so as if he were an old friend from school that you haven't seen in a while. Something like:

    Hi Le429, how have you been? I know it's been ages since I wrote you last. Anyway, here's what I'm up to blah/blah/blah Do you remember soandso who lived down the street? They're doing blah/blah/blah What's going on with you? Are you still into car racing? ... etc
    From what you had posted it sounds like having your brother back is something that is really important to you. You want your brother back because of what he can offer you. However, it's not necessarily important to your brother (right now, anyway). So it might not work if you ask your brother to come back because it's important to you and your mom. He has to want to come back to the family for his own reasons.

    Try reaching out to him as a person and get to know him that way. Don't try to pressure him or anything. It's likely he'll never be back in the family totally, but maybe he'll drift closer over time.

    As for me, honestly, I don't know that there's anything my family could do to get me back. It's been too long and there's too many issues I don't want to deal with. My sister did contact me a few years ago, but she was all "you should come back because family is important, etc". But that didn't mean anything to me because that family has lost its importance. If she had just approached me as a person, it may have started some dialog that would have lead somewhere. Hopefully that can work for you. Good luck!

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    Default Re: estranged brother - please help!

    "Underwear party"? Is he a DJ for a stripclub? A gay bar? If he is out there on the fringes of what society accepts, maybe that is contributing to his withdrawal from his family, too?

    Does he know you are a dancer? In this case it might help him relax. I mean what dancer is going to be put off by an 'underwear party', lol?


    I don't know what to say except I hope it works out. I lost my only brother when I was 19 and he was 22. We fought a lot when we were growing up but just before he died he wrote me the coolest letter, and he was dyslexic so writing was very hard for him. That letter means the world to me now.

    My mom pretty much dedicated herself to raising us, I can understand that part. She must feel awful not being able to see him. I don't know, life is so short and our families so precious, maybe if you could somehow get that across to him. It's easy to dismiss family or hold a grudge or put up distance, then when they are gone it's too late. If more people realized that, there would be less family bickering I think.

    Good luck...
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    Default Re: estranged brother - please help!

    Quote Originally Posted by NickT View Post
    I'll answer this from the perspective of the estranged brother, because that's sort of my situation. I haven't talked to my family in many, many years. After a while, I lost the emotional connection of them being "my family". To me emotionally, they are just some people I grew up with, like people from high school or something.

    As for me, honestly, I don't know that there's anything my family could do to get me back.
    While your post is touching, I feel the same way as your brother. And the poster I quoted.

    Out of true love for your brother, leave him alone.

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    Default Re: estranged brother - please help!

    I agree with others here, don't show up at his gig. He needs to have his game face on when performing, and having unexpected family drama (even the mellow kind) will mess his ability to perform his best at the show.

    Be prepared that if you push, he may cut you out entirely. Just be prepared for him to drop completely off the earth. This happened to me, but I was in your brother's place.

    My dad pushed and pushed and pushed. I changed my number and address. That was in 1993. I've not spoken to him since.

    I just wanted to let you know, you may end up with your heart broken.


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


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    Default Re: estranged brother - please help!

    Hey I just wanted to say thanks for making comments. A couple of posters really put things into perspective for me. So I went ahead and e-mailed my brother on his account and his MySpace asking if I could come and visit him on his DJ date. So maybe he will say yes!

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    Default Re: estranged brother - please help!

    I felt like updating this thread tonight. I decided to e-mail my brother and ask if it was cool with me to show up at his gig. I never heard anything back from him. I was really disappointed but understand that it's his life and I need to respect his privacy. It hurt more because I was sort of expecting an e-mail telling me he would prefer that I didn't show up. I guess I just have to accept that he doesn't feel the same way about things like I do. Oh well that's life right?!

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    Default Re: estranged brother - please help!

    sorry, I've got nothing even though I'm estranged from a couple family members by my own choice (they were bitches in such a way that I didn't want any part of someone with that type of character.) it's tough but seeing it from the other perspective, the only thing you can really do is write a letter and hope he keeps it until he's ready to read it.

    I've gotten such letters but since one is from a stupid selfish bitch that acts like she didn't do anything wrong, I just kind of skimmed further proof of her idiocy and tossed it.

    if you didn't do anything wrong, then either he's ashamed of himself or ashamed somehow of his family ties.

    it sucks and it's not a reflection on you (unlike my situation.)

    sometimes we all can't be "big" people and overcome.

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