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Thread: ATTORNEYS (funny!)

  1. #1
    God/dess GoldCoastGirl's Avatar
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    Thumbs up ATTORNEYS (funny!)

    From a friend's blog.


    These are from a book called Disorder in the American

    Courts, and are things people actually said in court,

    word for word, taken down and now published by court

    reporters who had the torment of staying calm while

    these exchanges were actually taking place.

    _______________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    __________________________________________________ __________________



    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the

    impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ________________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your

    memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?



    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of

    something you forgot?

    ________________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said

    to you that morning?

    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan!



    ________________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person

    dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the

    next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ________________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,

    how old is he?

    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

    ________________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was

    taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?



    ________________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was

    August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!

    ________________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I

    need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ________________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

    ________________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Guess.

    ________________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning

    pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your

    attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ________________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you

    performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead

    people. Would you like to rephrase that?

    ________________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What

    school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    ________________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the

    body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why

    I was doing an autopsy on him!

    ________________________________________________



    -- And the best for last: ---



    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

    did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was

    alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a

    jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been

    alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been

    alive and practicing law


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  2. #2
    rooster470
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    Default Re: ATTORNEYS (funny!)

    Those are great!!! I can't even pick a favorite.

  3. #3
    God/dess GoldCoastGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: ATTORNEYS (funny!)

    That's my problem too! When I first read it.. I was like.. yeah.. I like that one.. then I would read the next one.. and the next one.. and I was like.. fuck it.. I like them all.



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  4. #4
    Veteran Member LiveFree's Avatar
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    Default Re: ATTORNEYS (funny!)

    Hella funny

  5. #5
    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: ATTORNEYS (funny!)

    From just earlier this month.


    Thread already posted


    They are funny though.
    Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
    Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

  6. #6
    Veteran Member NekkoStarz's Avatar
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    Default Re: ATTORNEYS (funny!)

    COMMENT ABOUT THE LAST QUOTE........ Did anyone else read the story of a man (I believe in South America somewhere)... where he was in a really deep coma, but the coroner started an autopsy on him?? He woke up with an incision to his brain started!!!! I SWEAR THIS IS A REAL STORY... Gosh, I saw the story sometime in 07, and they showed pictures & he was holding his death certificte/autopsy paperwork up......... SCARY!

  7. #7
    God/dess GoldCoastGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: ATTORNEYS (funny!)




    I'm usually vigilant enough to notice.. argh.. oopsie!


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