Since around 11 or 12 i have detested the way i looked. I went through years of anorexia,bulimia, and even compulsive overeating, and eventually had to take " a year out of life" as i called it because of depression. During that time i went to a psychologist, whom amongst other things i talked about my self image.During my time with the psychologist we barely scratched the surface about my body image problems, before she cut all ties because she was moving jobs.
At that point i couldn't go outside because i felt people were staring at me constantly and i was embarassed abut the fact that they could see me.
I started on anti depressants and now two years later my depression has certainly improved, but it's starting to get to that not wanting anyone to see me phase again. I even get paranoid that people in magazines are staring at me.
But the problem is i can't see how people act like my poor self image is something that can be fixed, because as i can see it i am perfectly justified in thinking i am ugly,fat,disgusting. I get quite annoyed when people give me any compliments, as they just seem hollow.
I have heard about bdd, but my question is how would you know it was a problem that you had? I mean when i look in the mirror its there- physical proof of all the things i hate about myself, how can you argue with that?
It sounds weird, but a part of me likes the idea that maybe i do have some form of bdd, that maybe i don't really look the way i think i do. But how could i ever know this?As i said its there when i look in the mirror.
When i stripped i admit it now-i had to get drunk in order to work, yet when i came home at night there was usually an hour or two of just sitting feeling really sad and embarassed that people had been seeing my flaws up there in bright lights all night, and probably laughing at me behind my back. TBH i'm amazed anyone wanted to see me dance when i was the biggest girl in the club.
The biggest problem is my weight, i have lost 35 lbs over the past year, but i can't see a difference at all, which demotivates me from losing more.I have had thoughts about just taking a knife to my stomach and cutting the fat out so many times. I just feel like my body is a disgusting mess.
I do want to dance again at the end of this year, but the way i'm feeling now its just an impossibility. And i would want to be able to work without drinking of course.
I guess my questions to you would be: is it possible to improve your self image, and how can it be achieved? How would you know if you had bdd, and is there help you can get from it?



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