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Thread: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

  1. #1
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    This thread goes along with Brunette Goddess's thread about feeling sad and/or jealous amongst all the pregnancy threads. It goes along with a few of the other threads that have been started related to this and feeling depressed about (lack of) dating/settling down/kids.

    I stumbled upon an article on msn.com last week. It was about which age people think is the best age to have kids. It featured testimonies from people that actually had kids, and their opinions(generally based on their experiences). Hells here's a link to the article:



    Then I came upon someone's testimony that wasn't really relevant to the topic of "what age is best," but made me feel very sympathetic for her and also scared for myself:

    I have been trying to get pregnant since I was in my early 20s. I am now 45. It makes me angry seeing all of these movie stars getting pregnant by means of infertility treatments. I went through infertility treatments unsuccessfully. I would love to adopt a child, but cannot afford it or to have IVF.
    — Karen, Clifton, N.J.


    I told a few of my friends about this last week, because it had that much of an effect on me. My guy friend was confused as to how someone cannot afford adoption, so I checked it out myself to find out the facts. One agency in PA showed adoption costs to be WELL OVER $38,000...wow more than a full year of tuition + room/board at a private college without scholarship!! Horrible.

    Anyone else find this VERY depressing and just pathetic? I really hope I don't end up like that someday! Horrible! Can anyone relate? Feedback?

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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    The most depressing thing about this subject are the hordes of idiots who get pregnant with no problem at all, but also do it with no forethought or planning.

    Perhaps the most obvious indicator that life is not fair.

  3. #3
    Lola Rose
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Hyde View Post
    The most depressing thing about this subject are the hordes of idiots who get pregnant with no problem at all, but also do it with no forethought or planning.

    Perhaps the most obvious indicator that life is not fair.
    yep. For those people who want a child, and are in a good situation for it financially and emotionally, it can be so hard. And then, once you get pregnant, so many people miscarry, so it is even harder.

    We're taught how easy it is to get pregnant, we all hear the horror stories about 1 time being all it takes, and 15yr old girls losing their virginity and getting KO at the same time.....

    But then when many couples own a house, have money in the bank, are happily married and ready, they may be 30,35, 40.... and their fertility is questionable, and it is so hard to watch so many people get pregnant accidently when no matter what you do, it just doesn't seem to work.

    I am so glad I'm trying now, because I already have a hard time at 20 maintaining a pregnancy, and at this age, my fertility is at it's peak! I worry about if I had waited till 30 or 35, and getting pregnant was so much harder.

    So many people think they can wait and wait, but it's really just not true. You can't always have it all.

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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    Just one of the many little things many people take for granted.

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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    Exemplifies the need for a baby market quite well
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    Featured Member lunchbox's Avatar
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    I told a few of my friends about this last week, because it had that much of an effect on me. My guy friend was confused as to how someone cannot afford adoption, so I checked it out myself to find out the facts. One agency in PA showed adoption costs to be WELL OVER $38,000...wow more than a full year of tuition + room/board at a private college without scholarship!! Horrible.
    That's a private adoption for a white newborn baby.

    It costs NOWHERE near that to adopt through the state, but you are probably not going to get a healthy white newborn baby.

    You should be pissed off, not depressed.

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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    If white newborn babies are in high demand, that's a reasonable price.
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    Quote Originally Posted by lunchbox View Post
    That's a private adoption for a white newborn baby.

    It costs NOWHERE near that to adopt through the state, but you are probably not going to get a healthy white newborn baby.

    You should be pissed off, not depressed.
    I though it was pretty expensive to adopt no matter what route you went. Not to mention all the time it takes.

  9. #9
    Lola Rose
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    if you adopt through the state, it is much less expensive. You can also adopt a child in foster care, so they can live with you durring the process.

    But you run the risk of getting attatched and it not working.

    and you're not gonna get a healthy wite baby- most of the infants in state care that are adoptable are drug babies or babies with birth defects or diseases. most children that are up for adoption and in foster care are not infants or toddlers, they're older.

  10. #10
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    Quote Originally Posted by Lola Rose View Post
    yep. For those people who want a child, and are in a good situation for it financially and emotionally, it can be so hard. And then, once you get pregnant, so many people miscarry, so it is even harder.

    We're taught how easy it is to get pregnant, we all hear the horror stories about 1 time being all it takes, and 15yr old girls losing their virginity and getting KO at the same time.....

    But then when many couples own a house, have money in the bank, are happily married and ready, they may be 30,35, 40.... and their fertility is questionable, and it is so hard to watch so many people get pregnant accidently when no matter what you do, it just doesn't seem to work.
    Murphy's law at its "finest," unfortunately.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lola Rose View Post
    I am so glad I'm trying now, because I already have a hard time at 20 maintaining a pregnancy, and at this age, my fertility is at it's peak! I worry about if I had waited till 30 or 35, and getting pregnant was so much harder.

    So many people think they can wait and wait, but it's really just not true. You can't always have it all.
    I can relate to you, because I too have already had several miscarriages and I'm only in my mid 20s(also at that "peak fertility" age). I sometimes worry about how hard it'll be to get pregnant at age 30-35, too. The thing is, I might have no choice but to wait until I'm 30-35 to intentionally try to conceive, considering that I don't have a stable partner or husband and with the way things are looking, I really sometimes doubt I'll be married by that age(30-35). (Oh great now I sound all pessimistic and down like my friend M--k...I gotta get my dating confidence back!)

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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    I didn't think that article was depressing at all. It had stories from women of all age groups, and a lot of them said there wasn't really a magic age to have kids and that it mostly depends on the person.

    That being said though, adoption costs are outrageous. I'd much rather take in foster kids if I couldn't have any of my own.

  12. #12
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    I was discussing this article with several friends last week. My friend Ryan brought up a good point about the 45-yr-old woman in the article. He said that from the sounds of it, she's probably single. That seems to make sense. I mean, if the woman was married or at least in a serious relationship, you'd think she'd make use of the word "we" instead of "I" so much. Also, it is a lot harder to come up with $38,000(or whatever amount) for adoption fees when you're relying solely on your own income, as opposed to yours + a partner's income. Plus, we were wondering if maybe part of the reason she is unable to adopt might be because of the resistence she'd receive from adoption agencies by her having no visible partner, thus intending to be a single mom(agencies might view that to be less stable, both financially and emotionally, for the adopted child than a 2-parent family). All in all, that sucks...45, no partner, no kids, and apparently no money either.

    LOL a few weeks before I saw this article, my friend "Paula" joked that she has nightmare visions of being in her 40s living alone with a bunch of cats. I joked back, "Hey, at least you have cute kitties in your nightmare vision...I don't even get the cats, because I'm allergic to them!"

    I hear you guys who say that it's cheaper to adopt through the state. HOWEVER, I read on a site what the costs would be if someone had a "Juno" type of situation. In other words, if someone already has a baby picked out to adopt, and already has made a mutual arrangement with the baby's parent(s) outside the services of an adoption agency, kinda like the situation in the movie Juno. The legal fees and documentation costs are still steep: $8500. I think any way you slice it, adoption is expensive. Even if state adoption or a "Juno situation" is cheaper than Christian private adoptions, it's still going to be a pretty penny to cough up.

  13. #13
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    Quote Originally Posted by virgoamm View Post
    I didn't think that article was depressing at all. It had stories from women of all age groups, and a lot of them said there wasn't really a magic age to have kids and that it mostly depends on the person.

    That being said though, adoption costs are outrageous. I'd much rather take in foster kids if I couldn't have any of my own.
    No the article itself wasn't what was depressing...it was only that one woman Karen's testimony. Most of the other people seemed to have decent lives, but Karen seemed very bitter, depressed, and jealous of celebrities and "irresponsible young people" that can get pregnant and pop out kids so easily. I'm just saying that a lot of my friends(guys AND girls) have been complaining lately about how they don't want to end up alone(marriage-wise) someday, so this article made me wonder.

    The foster child thing is a good idea, but don't you have to go through screening with the state gov't to be allowed to do that? Maybe this woman was rejected because she lacked ample income, a partner/husband, and/or she had a criminal conviction on her record from years prior? (i.e., a drug possession charge from her early 20s coming back to haunt her years later) It's possible that maybe she was excluded due to a loophole/requirement she didn't pass. Or maybe she hasn't yet considered it, and just wants to complain to MSN.com...who knows.

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    Featured Member iambonbon05's Avatar
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982 View Post

    I have been trying to get pregnant since I was in my early 20s. I am now 45. It makes me angry seeing all of these movie stars getting pregnant by means of infertility treatments. I went through infertility treatments unsuccessfully. I would love to adopt a child, but cannot afford it or to have IVF.
    — Karen, Clifton, N.J.
    Answer: foster care.

    They will be understanding if you don't want a totally effed up kid your first try. My sister did foster care for three kids all under the age of two and really not that difficult to care for. Yes they came from bad backgrounds but at that age they bounce back very well. She adopted my nephew Brandon who had been around drugs as a baby and also had a sister. Sister WAS effed up as she was older but now is perfectly well adjusted and it has not been very long. Now they even get to visit each other as they've been adopted by separate families.

    It doesn't always end well like this but you'd be surprised at how often it does. It can be more difficult but isn't it worth it to really help a kid?
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  15. #15
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    ^ Absolutely! It's a great idea and if Karen hasn't considered it already, she really should. However, we do not know if perhaps Karen already tried to do this and got rejected by the state. As I already wrote...

    Quote Originally Posted by PhillyDancer1982
    The foster child thing is a good idea, but don't you have to go through screening with the state gov't to be allowed to do that? Maybe this woman was rejected because she lacked ample income, a partner/husband, and/or she had a criminal conviction on her record from years prior? (i.e., a drug possession charge from her early 20s coming back to haunt her years later) It's possible that maybe she was excluded due to a loophole/requirement she didn't pass. Or maybe she hasn't yet considered it, and just wants to complain to MSN.com...who knows.

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    Featured Member iambonbon05's Avatar
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    Yeah, mostly posted that because a couple other posters didn't seem to think so.

    I certainly hope Karen tried it instead of assuming she'd never get a healthy baby without doing any research or talking to any parents. Wanting to adopt and not considering foster care at all is as silly as wanting a pet and refusing to consider going to the animal shelter for the same reasons, IMO. Obviously a kid is a way bigger commitment but the reasoning is often the same.
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    Quote Originally Posted by madmaxine View Post
    (Being Catholic never truly leaves you. It's a lifelong disease.)
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    Hey, lapdances cost at LEAST 5 chickens. If you be offering them for one chicken, you be lowballin' girl.

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    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    There are definitely certain things we've all come to expect as normalcy. A significant other, kids, love, having enough food to eat, owning a home, having steady work, etc. I think people deal with not being rich and famous easily enough, but when "normal" becomes a goal, when we strive to just hit average, to simply have what so many around us have and fail, it's so very sad.
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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    God/dess Lysondra's Avatar
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    What I don't get about the example she used is her jealousy towards movie stars. She hates when movie stars succeed when she failed? That's just outright jealousy. Last I checked, the movie stars could more than afford their treatments and children, so it's not about fairness, it's about her self-esteem issues.


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  19. #19
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    Adoption is a seriously fucked-up situation. Good luck getting health insurance to cover it too, the way they'd cover a pregnancy and birth. I've always looked forward to being an adoptive mother but it's starting to look like I might not be able to have a baby unless I can make one. Life definitely isn't fair.

    As for foster care, you're pretty likely to get a messed-up kid with physical, mental, and/or emotional damage. And whether you do or not, you don't necessarily get to keep your child. The "parents" stay in the picture, you've got them to deal with, many of them are fucked-up too and potentially violent, and just as you've bonded with the child the state decides to return the kid to his junkie progenitor. I think it's great that people sign up to be foster parents, but I can totally understand why people don't, and it's not a good solution for people who just want a baby and a stable family life.

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    God/dess Lysondra's Avatar
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    I have a great book about a child who had to go through the foster care system and what happened to her. It's called A Piece of Cake.


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  21. #21
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    ^^^ I've heard about that and really want to read it.

    White Oleander is a novel (fiction) but also an excellent story about foster care.

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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    I read it and at first you're like 'Holy shit at least my life was never this bad, I feel lucky!' And at the end of the book you're like, 'Well if SHE can do THAT, wtf am I doing THIS for?!' Definitely a good read. Couldn't put it down.


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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    You know, it seems every time I read a new thread I have to write down names of the interesting books that are mentioned so I can go out and get them, maybe there should be a SW Book Club lol.

    Is the book White Oleander better than the film? I saw the film and it was okay.

  24. #24
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    Yes, the book is better.

  25. #25
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: One of the most depressing things I've ever read

    Quote Originally Posted by lestat1 View Post
    There are definitely certain things we've all come to expect as normalcy. A significant other, kids, love, having enough food to eat, owning a home, having steady work, etc. I think people deal with not being rich and famous easily enough, but when "normal" becomes a goal, when we strive to just hit average, to simply have what so many around us have and fail, it's so very sad.
    Yes! I can definitely relate to the concept of "making 'normal' a life accomplishment or fantasy." A few years ago, I didn't have a good paying job, supportive friends/family, or anything really worth living for. I felt very very cheated because I'd worked jobs since age 14, gone to college, avoided legal trouble all my life, was super super nice to people, yet here I was...no good job, no money, no food, no stable residence, not even able to afford to drive the (cheap, economic) car I'd bought outright a whole 6 yrs prior. It was so angering!! I was 22 at the time. Then I thankfully turned to dancing, and this gave me a chance to turn things around. Red Red Red can testify here, since we worked together...when I first started dancing, I worked 14 hr days(opening to closing) almost 7 days/week, I conserved money like crazy, busting my ass in an effort to strive towards hopefully someday becomming "middle class."

    So that is my story...therefore, I can only imagine the pain and frustration that people twice my age feel when they STILL don't have things that define the "American dream," like a family, a husband, a car, or their own place. It's very sad and it sucks big time.

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