Well, it's official. I'm moving back to Pa in April, starting school in May.
I'm having a real hard time with it. I'm giving up the life I have built for 5 years. I'm leaving my nice apartment with nice stuff and comfortable life and wonderful boyfriend to go home...to nothing....only school. I'll be poor, lonely and cold.
Sure, I've struggled here with major money issues, but overall, my life is good. I feel so dumb for giving it up. I have these fleetign thoughts of give up school, give up my hope to have a child one day, give up all of my wishes and dreams, just to stay here, but I know I can't do that. I know I'm doing the right thing...I just have no idea how I'm ever going to be strong enough to do this.
The time is comming up so fast, and I have so many regrets now, for not appriciating what I've had. Not treating my boyfriend nicer and not appriciating our life.
I'm scared, and I do not want to do this at all. I just know I have to pursue my dreams, it's the only way I'll ever be truly happy...but why do I have to go thrugh such a sad miserable thng first to get there?
And if you can be with someone for 6 years and then realize that it won't work out forever....do any relationships really actually last forever? I now have my doubts. We both realize that as we grw up, our wants and needs grew different...I'm no longer the carefree have fun all the time 20 year old...but he is. This split is very hard on him as well, although we both realize it's for the best...it just sucks so bad.
When I go home, I'm also retiring from dancing for good, although finances might force me to dance on occasion...I'll probably fly back here on school breaks and dance, and see my friends and everything...this sucks so bad I can't even describe. I'm so scared I won't be able to go through with it, or I'll fall apart when I get back.
I dont even remember how to live alone. How to sleep in bed alone, how to reach thigns on the top shelf, or who will comfort me when I'm sad?
When I get back to Pa, although my family is there, I will be completly alone. I have no friends, and no family. I will not be in contact with them, or as little as possible, because they can and will try to ruin my life. I'm only going there for the school, which I have already set in motion and it's going perfectly smoothly.
I'm just....so scared. of everything. How do you give up the life you built for so long? I gave up everythign to move here...now i have to do it all over again and basicialyl restart my life over. i'll be back in the same place I was at 21. same exact situaion. Only with a few years of knowledge and life experiences.
rolling over and dying seems so much easier right now. god, that's a horrible thign to say, but it's exactly how I feel.
I have 1 month left. How will I get through this? I don't wanna go. I dont hate my life as bad as I thought I did. but that's irrelevant now. I have to go. it's what I need to do.
thanks for listening. or letting me vent this out. I'm sure there will be much more to come..I hope I don' annoy anyone.


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