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Thread: Got any good jokes?

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    Default Got any good jokes?

    I have a favorite guy friend I sit around with and he always has good ones!

    He told me this one yesterday, its a little naughty but funny.


    What's the difference between Congress and a condom?

    You can only get one dick in a condom.



  2. #2
    Veteran Member TheLioness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    I have one that everyone loves but I'm afraid to put it out there...I'm sure someone somewhere would be offended

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    Veteran Member DeeJayOz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    Quote Originally Posted by TheLioness View Post
    I have one that everyone loves but I'm afraid to put it out there...I'm sure someone somewhere would be offended
    If anyone has a good sense of humor no one will be offended by a good laugh.

    A dated joke:
    I have some Saddam Hussein t-shirts for sale. They're a little tight around the neck, but they hand really well.

    A couple of stripper jokes that was told to me via S.W.:

    Q: What does a entertainer do to her asshole just before going to work?
    A: Helps HIM find his drumsticks and drops him off at band practice.

    Q: What do you call a entertainer's ex-boyfriend?
    A: HOMELESS.

  4. #4
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    Little girl and her mom are walking through a toy store. Little girl jumps up and down "Mommy Mommy...can I have Barbie and GI Joe?" Mom says "oh no honey...Barbie doesnt come with GI JOE..Barbie come with Ken" Little girl"No Mommy...Barbie comes with GI Joe, Barbie fakes it with Ken"

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    Veteran Member TheLioness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    Ok well, I guess I can't get any worse off than I am already lol.

    What does a polar bear and a redneck girl have in common?

    They both lick their paws

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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    a blonde walks into a dry cleaners to drop off her stained shirt...as she was leaving, the manager said, "come again"...she said, "no, it's mustard this time"

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    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    "Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

    Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

    He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

    Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

    Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

    Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

    Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

    They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

    At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

    Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"
    Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
    Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

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    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

    A stick.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


  9. #9
    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    "How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Two if they are small enough."




    "How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs. "
    Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
    Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

  10. #10
    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    Good one for this time of year....


    Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS"
    together, it spells "THEIRS"?
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


  11. #11
    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    "How do you circumcise a redneck?

    Kick his sister in the chin!"
    Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
    Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    What do you do with a dead chemist?

    BARIUM!


  13. #13
    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

    She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.

    "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

    With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

    He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

    She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

    The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack?

    That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

    The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

    The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

    Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

    The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


  15. #15
    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    "A man, his son and their dog walk into a bar.

    Ow.

    Ow.

    Yipe, yipe, yipe, yipe!!!"
    Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
    Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

  16. #16
    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.

    Girl #1: "I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."

    Girl #2: "I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."

    Girl #3: "Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."

    Girl #1: "Hey, you can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."

    Girl #3: "EXACTLY!"
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period,'' said the little boy.

    "Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

    ''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


  18. #18
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    Playboy had some good ones this month:

    Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs?
    He doesnt want you to know he fucks chickens.


    "How do you gt a baby" a little girl asked her mother.
    "Mom and Dad make love"the mother said "Dad puts his penis in Mom's vagina and thats how you get a baby"
    "Mom I saw last night that Dad had his penis in your mouth" the girl said "What do you get from that?"
    The mother said "jewlery"

    Did you hear about the prostitute that was into bondage?
    She was strapped for cash.

    A man called an old girlfriend of his and asked if she was free Saturday night. She said no but she would be reasonable.

    Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip,a tired executive was shocked to discover his wife in bed with the neighbor.
    "Since you are in bed with my wife"the furious man shouted" I'm going over to sleep with yours"
    "Go right ahead"the man replied"The rest will do you good"


    An old man hadnt been able to hear for years. He finally went to see a doctor who diagnosed the problem and restored his hearing.A month later the man returned for a follow up.
    "Your family must be really happy you can hear again" the doctor said
    "Oh I havent told my family yet" the man said "I just sit around and listen to them talk. So far I've changed my will three times"

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    Veteran Member DeeJayOz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    Quote Originally Posted by DeeJayOz View Post
    If anyone has a good sense of humor no one will be offended by a good laugh.
    Okay. Now I'm going to push the envelope and cross the line.

    Backstory: My brother in-law told me this and he is from Kentucky.

    Q: What do you tell a black jew?
    A: 'Hey you! Get to the back of the oven!'


    I just love racial jokes because no one is spared.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    God/dess VegasPrincess's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    So, as usual, it's 8:15 in the morning when Ellie goes in to open the bank. She was sitting behind her desk shortly after when a man wearing a ski mask and pointing a rifle busts threw the door....

    "Take me to the safe right now!" he screamed...... "sir," she said, "I think you're confused....This isn't a regular bank, this is a sperm bank!!"

    "I don't give a damn," He yelled, "Take me to the fucking fault!"

    Of course she does, and when they get back there, he sees all that is in the vault is row upon row of sperm samples....Angrily the gunman yells, "Drink one!!"

    totally afraid of this lunatic, Ellie does it. When she is done with one sample, the gun man yells again, "Drink another one." Having no choice, she does it.

    Suddenly, the gun man takes off his mask.... it's her husband!! "See," he says, " I told you that wouldn't kill you."
    Sexy Jasmine after getting fucked over at work:

    God loves strippers and when guys do things like that its an automatic ticket to HELL!


    Quote Originally Posted by anomar View Post
    Perhaps you stopped spending money on her. Strippers need money to operate. They are like coin operated juke-boxes of love.

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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    Q: What's the last sound that a pubic hair makes before it lands?

    A: "Pffft!"

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    God/dess Polekitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

    She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

    Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

    A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."



    "I don't take a piss without getting paid for it." - Harlan Ellison

    Life is movement, movement is life.
    To live is to move, to move is to be alive.
    - Mirka Knaster


    Quote Originally Posted by pixierocksonthepole View Post
    "tampons are proof that God exsists."

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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    A man arrives at the local whorehouse.. He says to the madame. I want the biggest. Blackest woman you have.

    The madame thinks for a moment and replies.. Sure! Go up the stairs to the door on the left. That's Shaniquas room. She's not busy.

    So he goes up the stairs and through the door on the left. There she was a large black woman!! The man says.. All I want you to do is take off all your clothes and lay down.

    So Shaniqua does and the man gets between thoes large dark thighs, pulls one lip to the side and then pulls the other lip to the side. Up the man gets and leaves.

    As he's paying the madame. She says .. What was that all about.

    The man says, oh. I'm painting my house black. I wanted to see what it might look like with pink shutters.

  24. #24
    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    Two sausages are in a frying pan. The first sausage says: "Is it getting hot in here?" The second sausage says: "Oh my God; a talking sausage!"
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

  25. #25
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    Default Re: Got any good jokes?

    Did you hear the one about the blind prostitute?

    You really had to hand it to her.

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