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Thread: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

  1. #1
    cameron_keys
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    Default George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

    New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?


    New Rule :? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge asshole.

    New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy

    New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


    New Rule : No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule : and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. '27 Months' 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

    New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

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    Veteran Member Alia_of_the_Knife's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    LMAO. I love Carlin. But I swear I read these also last year for New Rules of 07.

    And I wonder if this is from Carlin of Bill Maher. Either way it's still good.

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    Featured Member AznExtasy's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    His jokes are funny!

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    God/dess virgoamm's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    Quote Originally Posted by cameron_keys View Post
    New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge asshole.

    I love this!

  5. #5
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    Quote Originally Posted by Alia_of_the_Knife View Post
    LMAO. I love Carlin. But I swear I read these also last year for New Rules of 07.

    And I wonder if this is from Carlin of Bill Maher. Either way it's still good.
    In the email I got it said Carlin...

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    Senior Member juggernutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    Urban Myth that been going around since 2006

    http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

    LOL, in fact, if you look at the related threads we have "George Carlin's new rules for 2006"

    I wonder why people start myths like this.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

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    Senior Member juggernutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    OK, been reading Maher's new rules archive at

    http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/20071102.html

    and just not finding many of them funny.
    Last edited by juggernutz; 03-19-2008 at 10:51 AM. Reason: forgot the not :)
    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

  8. #8
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    Oh boo then

  9. #9
    Senior Member juggernutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    Quote Originally Posted by cameron_keys View Post
    Oh boo then
    It was still interesting.

    This seems to happen a lot. My favorite has to be Chicago Tribune's columnist Mary Schmich column that was sent around the net as being a MIT commencement speech by Kurt Vonnegut.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wear_Sunscreen

    and I did not know it was turned into a song.

    http://www.bondon.com/sunscreen_song.html
    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

  10. #10
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    See..this is what happens when I am lazy and dont do a search. Sorry all...

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    God/dess virgoamm's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    Aww, Cam, you thought it was funny and passed it on to us. I thought it was funny, regardless of the source. You don't have to apologize!

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    Featured Member minnow's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    Quote Originally Posted by cameron_keys View Post
    See..this is what happens when I am lazy and dont do a search. Sorry all...
    We need comedians like Carlin, Maher, etal, for a sanity check, and attitude adjustment. Better yet, watch on YT.

  13. #13
    Senior Member juggernutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    Quote Originally Posted by cameron_keys View Post
    See..this is what happens when I am lazy and dont do a search. Sorry all...
    Nothing to be sorry about, it's not like your the only one or the emails would not still be going around.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

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    Senior Member juggernutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes

    By James A. on May 12th, 2007

    George Carlin

    The man who says “life is worth losing” turns 70 today. George would say that’s irony, not a coincidence. George Dennis Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last 47 years he’s been doing stand-up comedy better than anyone else on the planet. In the process he’s pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best…

    1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
    2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
    3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
    4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
    5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
    6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
    7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
    8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
    9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
    10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
    11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
    12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
    13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
    14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
    15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
    16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
    17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
    18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
    19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
    20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
    21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
    22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
    23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
    24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
    25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
    26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
    27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
    28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
    29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
    30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
    31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
    32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
    33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
    34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
    35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
    36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
    37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
    38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
    39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
    40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
    41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
    42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
    43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
    44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
    45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
    46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
    47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
    48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
    49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
    50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
    51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
    52. What year did Jesus think it was?
    53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
    54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
    55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
    56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
    57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
    58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
    59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
    60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
    61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
    62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
    63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
    64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
    65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
    66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
    67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
    68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
    69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
    70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
    71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
    73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
    74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
    75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
    76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
    77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
    78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
    79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
    80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
    81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
    82. “No comment” is a comment.
    83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
    84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
    85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
    86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
    87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
    88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
    89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
    90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
    91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
    92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
    93. Hooray for most things!
    94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
    95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
    96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
    97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
    98. Life is a zero sum game.
    99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
    100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
    101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

  15. #15
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    I say 17,32 and 45 all the time!! They are my favorite of his sayings!!

    And that reminds me..I lent my “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” book to a friend like 3 years ago...guess I'm never getting it back.

  16. #16
    Senior Member juggernutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    Another comic I love is Dennis Miller, here some of his quotes:

    A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.


    Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.


    Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.


    Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.


    Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.


    I lapsed into rude.


    I rant, therefore I am.


    I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.


    I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.


    If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.


    It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.


    Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.


    Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.


    Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?


    Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.


    One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.


    Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.


    Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.


    President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.


    The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
    The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.


    The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.


    The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.


    The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.


    There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.


    Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.


    What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.


    What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.


    You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.


    You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

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    Senior Member juggernutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    and Steven Wright Quotes:

    All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

    The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

    When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

    Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

    Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

    I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

    Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

    When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

    Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

    Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

    Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

    The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

    Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

    A fool and his money are soon partying.

    Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

    If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

    Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

    I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

    Half the people you know are below average.

    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
    So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

    My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

    Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
    On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

    Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

    I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

    "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

    My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
    cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
    the afternoon's appointments.

    My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

    Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
    road an hour.

    I have two very rare photographs.
    One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
    The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

    I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
    I got a full house and four people died.

    I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
    You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

    I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
    of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

    I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
    that are in all the other museums.

    It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

    Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

    What's another word for Thesaurus?

    When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
    then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

    When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
    with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

    You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

    A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

    If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

    I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

    I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I
    stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
    cake?" I said, "yes".

    My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
    give me the other one next year.

    I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
    I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

    I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

    I had amnesia once or twice.

    I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

    I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
    everybody on the list.

    I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
    went "Aaaaahhhh..."

    My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

    The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky
    must get awfully crowded.

    I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

    You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
    then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

    How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

    I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
    Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

    The sky already fell. Now what?

    I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

    I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't
    see any forests.

    If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

    When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
    lady had to help me across the street.

    If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
    Shakespeare?

    You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
    reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm
    like that all the time.

    My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
    somewhere.

    Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

    I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
    Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

    Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

    I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

    I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

    I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

    I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all
    day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

    I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

    You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
    and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
    I'm like that all the time.

    I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you
    making?" "A salt lick."

    There aren't enough days in the weekend.

    My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.
    The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

    Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

    The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.

    Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

    Is "tired old cliche" one?

    If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

    If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

    It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

    When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
    three-by-fives.

    The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

    Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it
    was none of my business.

    I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
    back.

    In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.
    Every crime ends with a sentence.

    I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

    I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

    I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By
    the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

    Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
    They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of
    play-dough.

    I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
    gum.

    I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

    I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

    I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

    A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
    sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

    I had my coathangers spayed.

    I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

    The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa
    Claus is missing.

    I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said,
    "Don't I know you?"

    Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

    I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I
    can ride a unicycle.

    I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
    prescription ran out.

    I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

    I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on
    TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

  18. #18
    God/dess UtahMike's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    Quote Originally Posted by cameron_keys View Post
    See..this is what happens when I am lazy and dont do a search. Sorry all...
    Who cares? It was funny even if it was Bill Maher and not George Carlin.

  19. #19
    Senior Member juggernutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    Steven Wright Part 2:

    I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said
    to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
    traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
    happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

    I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
    "We're surrounded."

    I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I
    got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

    When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
    I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

    Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
    ocean would be if that didn't happen.

    I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

    It's a fine night to have an evening.

    Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

    I can't stop thinking like this.

    This isn't all true.

    You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
    and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

    I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

    Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

    Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and
    looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years
    later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
    deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So.
    What did you think?"

    My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says
    it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told
    me.

    I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

    What are imitation rhinestones?

    If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

    If God dropped acid, would he see people?

    In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
    I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
    woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

    It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
    right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

    I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

    I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once
    in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
    written that."

    "So, do you live around here often?"

    I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
    said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
    "They're behind the couch." And they were!

    When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
    I was an only child....eventually.

    [Referring to a glass of water:]
    I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

    A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
    Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

    I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

    It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

    Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

    I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
    I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

    I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

    I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
    that are in all the other museums.

    I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
    Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

    I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
    French Toast during the Renaissance.

    I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
    shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
    table would move across the floor to it.

    I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

    I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
    dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

    I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
    "ten-four."

    I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
    Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

    I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
    locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
    said, "Yes, but not in a row."

    I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
    can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
    what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

    I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
    free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

    I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting
    Slinkies on the escalator.

    There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
    trapped on the escalators.

    I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
    department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
    when to stop unwrapping.

    For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same
    room and let them fight it out.

    Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

    I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

    I invented the cordless extension cord.

    I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't
    you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
    five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...
    my calendar has no sevens on it."

    I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
    went "Aaaaahhhh..."

    Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
    "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
    he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

    I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
    tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this
    <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I
    got a lotta calls yesterday."

    My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
    somewhere.

    I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
    furious!

    All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
    synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a
    department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in
    the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

    In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
    I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
    woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

    Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
    brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm
    gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

    In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
    have to go upstairs.

    One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
    to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
    The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

    All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing
    them by watering them with ice cubes.

    I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front
    of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

    Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to
    run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook,
    you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

    I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

    I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
    of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had
    to buy them again.

    My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
    kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
    it at them.

    The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
    keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
    speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right
    here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
    the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

    My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except
    I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

    For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so
    I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]

    I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas,
    people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

    I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
    the only one moving.

    I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
    fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to
    take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica
    sounds *amazing*.

    I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
    wouldn't have to go so fast.

    I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

    My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.

    I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the
    place.

    I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a
    message and I'll call when I'm out."

    Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half
    mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't
    remember what it was.

    I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
    really tired.

    A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,
    "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down
    on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.
    And see this thing? This steers it."

    One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
    see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

    I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get
    pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
    clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

    The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
    their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

    When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
    then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

    Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
    was missing.

    I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
    go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
    Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
    of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
    she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

    I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
    going to be up all night.

    When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I
    said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

    I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

    One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
    My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

    My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
    there and write misspelled words on them.

    I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
    said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
    "They're behind the couch." And they were!

    I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and
    said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know,
    but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

    I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
    sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

    I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
    backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
    said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

    Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
    caught every other fish.

    There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
    idiot.

    I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
    "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
    and keeps typing.

    I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
    them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

    The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
    people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

    They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
    of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...

    I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

    I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when
    I leave a house, I go out through the window.

    When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
    minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

    I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
    couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
    by.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

  20. #20
    Chicagoeditor
    Guest

    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    From the OP, I especially liked this one:

    "New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high."

    Wow.

  21. #21
    cameron_keys
    Guest

    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    In light of his going on tour:eddie Izzard quotes:

    “But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!”

    “Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.””

    “I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”
    “Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).”



    “But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into
    what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone
    was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then
    there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"”
    “I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.”

    “I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.”

    “Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"”

    , "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.
    "Cake or death?"
    "Eh, cake please."
    "Very well! Give him cake!"
    "Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice."
    "You! Cake or death?"
    “Uh, cake for me, too, please."
    "Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?"
    "Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..."
    "You said death first, uh-uh, death first!"
    "Well, I meant cake!"
    "Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!" Cake or death?"”

    “And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that…

    Eddie: If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.
    Eddie: I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.

    Eddie: Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."

    Eddie: You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here' You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO!'

    Eddie: San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here...Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.

    Eddie: I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

    Eddie: If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.

    Eddie: I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.

    Eddie: You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Barundi says do you want a cup of coffee...

    Eddie: Most transvestites fancy girls.

    Eddie: When you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy.

    Eddie: What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.

    Eddie: Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire...so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering f**khead!

    Eddie: Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won’t stand for that, will we?

    Eddie: We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!

    Eddie: Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep.

    Eddie: And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"

    Eddie: There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?

    Eddie: You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT!! That's a pretty good dream.

    Eddie: We stole countries! That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a flag, this is our country you bastard!"

    Eddie: You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"

    Eddie: Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitter!"

    (Re: The European Union)
    Eddie: It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!

    Eddie: Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a f**king squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "F**king nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit."

    Eddie: Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are f**kers!! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing.. they don't even eat... flies!

    Eddie: The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that.

    Eddie: My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!

    Eddie: Peter was the one who said "I don't know him. I don't know him. I don't know him." cock-a-doodle-doo "Oh, HIM!"

    Eddie: We have toasters in this country...and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us!

    Eddie: What exactly is an evil giraffe?

    Eddie: If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!

    (Depicting the end of the Trojan War)
    Eddie: Goodbye! We give up! You win. We've left you a huge f**k off horse...as per usual.

    Eddie: I like my coffee like I like my women...in a plastic cup.

    Eddie: I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!

    Eddie: This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight one from here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today, is a flask of coffee.

    Eddie: Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

    Eddie: The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.

    (re: British actors playing all the bad guys on the Death Star)
    Eddie: (1)What is it Lt. Sebastian? (2)It’s the Rebels, sir. They’re here. (1)My God, man. Do they want tea? (2)No, I think there after something more than that, sir. I don’t know what it is, but they’ve brought a flag.

    Eddie: Cause you think we all live in castles. And we do all live in castles. We got a castle each. We’re up to here with f**kin’ castles. We just long for a bungalow or something.

    Eddie: Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.

    Eddie: Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousin’s marry.

  22. #22
    Veteran Member LadyLuck's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    Quote Originally Posted by juggernutz View Post
    OK, been reading Maher's new rules archive at



    and just not finding many of them funny.
    Alot of them are better when he does them live on HBO because he uses photo's and you can see his expressions- both of which show alot of the irony and sarcasm involved in many of his "New Rules".
    There never was a good war or a bad peace.

    Benjamin Franklin

  23. #23
    Senior Member juggernutz's Avatar
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    Default Re: George Carlins New Rules For 2008

    Quote Originally Posted by cameron_keys View Post
    In light of his going on tour:eddie Izzard quotes:
    I love Eddie too.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

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