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Thread: The Hardest Goodbye

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    Member Mikey35's Avatar
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    Default The Hardest Goodbye

    My Dearest Rebecca,

    I was so sad yesterday when your sister called to let me know that you were gone. Her voice so raw from the endless tears now run dry. I could hear the pain she felt and I share in that sorrow with her. I may never understand why you felt the need to leave, with so many here who loved and needed you. I can only hope that you have found the peace which always seemed just out of reach.

    Our year together was one of the best of my life. The days spent walking through the city. The picnics we had by the old church. The nights spent in your arms. I still miss our all night talks, the plans we had which never came to be. You were always happiest talking about your dancing. The freedom you felt being able to really let loose, a release from the shy sweet girl you were the rest of the time. I'm sorry things didn't work out for us, but I'm so happy and grateful that we remained such good friends.

    I believe that when two people fall in love, they carry that love with them for the rest of their lives. Know that you are a part of me forever and that the love you gave me will give me the strength and warmth to carry me through the rest of my days.

    Try not to worry about your sister. I will do my best to help her in any way I can. Goodbye for now my love. We will meet again where there is no pain and no sorrow, only happiness and contentment.

    All my Love Now and Forever,
    M




    I can write the saddest words tonight.

    The night sky is broken,
    and they shiver blue, those stars in the distance.

    The night wind turns in the sky and sings.
    I can write the saddest words tonight.
    I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

    On nights like these I held her in my arms.
    I kissed her greatly under the infinite sky.

    She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too.
    How could I not have loved her huge, still eyes.

    I can write the saddest words tonight.
    To think I don't have her. To feel I have lost her.

    Hear the vast night, infinite without her.
    Words fall on the soul like dew on the grass.

    What does it matter that I couldn't keep her.
    The night is broken, and she is not with me.

    This is all. Someone sings far off. Far off,
    my soul is not content to have lost her.

    As though to reach her, my eyes look for her.
    My heart searches for her, and she is not with me.

    The same night whitens, in the same branches.
    We, from that time, are no longer the same.

    I don't love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
    My voice tried to find the breeze to reach her.

    Another's kisses on her, like my kisses.
    Her voice, her bright body, infinite eyes.

    I don't love her, that's certain, but perhaps I love her.
    Love is brief, and forgetting takes so long.

    Since, on these nights, I held her in my arms,
    my soul is not content to have lost her.

    Though this is the last pain she will make me suffer,
    and these are the last lines I will write for her.




    In case you're wondering why I decided to post this here, Rebecca used to read this site back when she danced. She showed it to me a few times and I know that it helped her to have a place like this she could come and be accepted unconditionally by a community of people that shared the same experiences and feelings that she did. I needed to say goodbye to my friend and it just felt right to do it here. Good luck to all of you ladies here. I know what you do can be very difficult at times. God knows it was for her. Know that there are people in your lives that love you. I will miss my friend. God Bless.

  2. #2
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    I'm so sorry you lost her. This was very sweet.

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    Banned jasmine's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    I'm so sorry for your loss. That was a very touching letter.

  4. #4
    Glamazon
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

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    Featured Member Brooke's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    Thank you for sharing this with us. My heart goes out to you and to her family.

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    God/dess KamrynAnne's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    what a beautiful letter...may her spirit live on through you.

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    Member Mikey35's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. It's been a really hard day today as I can't stop thinking about all the what if's. What if we had never broken up? Could I have tried harder? Been more understanding? What if I had called her last week like I said I was going to? Would I have heard something in her voice that told me she was in pain?

    I called Becca's sister Liz back today to talk as I am really worried if she's going to be OK. Liz means so much to me as she's like the little sister I never had. She lived with us for a few months when Rebecca and I were still together and it was always so much fun to have her around. Becca and Liz were each other's world. Their parents died in a car accident when Rebecca was a teenager and they ended up in the foster care system as they didn't have any other family that would take them in. They spent the next 5 years in 3 different foster homes until she was 18 and got her and Liz the hell out. Rebecca started dancing to support them both. She was Liz's mother/father/sister and best friend all rolled into one.

    I never knew the reason Rebecca really quit dancing until today. She used to tell me that it was all the mental stress from the job, which I could definately understand. It turns out that Liz had developed some medical problems which is why Rebecca quit dancing for a 9-5 admin asst job so she could get medical coverage. Because of how Becca died, Liz isn't going to get anything from the insurance. Not only had Rebecca been supporting them both, but she was also paying to send Liz to school too. Liz has no savings as they just barely made it from month to month due to the rent, tuition, and medical costs for Liz some of which wasn't covered by insurance.

    Since I got off the phone with Liz, I really feel like I have to do something to help her. I'm thinking about asking her to come live with me as my roommate and she could have her old room back. She could stay here until she finished her undergrad and figures out what to do next. I'd pay for her school and medical expenses in the meantime. Or, I could just give her money to help pay for everything, so she could stay where she is now. I'd like it if she would come here and we could help each other get through this, but this isn't about me and I just want to do what's best for her.

    I love Liz like she was my own sister, but I don't know what I should do. Any ideas? Help please.

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    God/dess RoseWhite's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    Not knowing the individuals involved, it's hard to offer specific advice. Very sorry for your loss though. And I love that Neruda poem, too.
    "Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins

    "I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had no idea what I was getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be more like getting a cat." -- Anne Lamott

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    God/dess Lexi's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    Im so sorry... that letter brought tears to my eyes. I cant imagine the pain you are feeling.


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    Senior Member confrontingmydemons's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    *hugs*
    If you are timid enough to stop at what is natural, then nature will elude your grasp forever.

    Marquis de Sade

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    Featured Member Sinder's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    I am sorry for your loss. It is very generous of you to think of taking care of Rebecca's sister like that. I am sure she is smiling down on you for that.

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    God/dess krchab99's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    I am sorry for your loss.

  13. #13
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    (((HUGS)))

    I am touched to my core that a man could express such love in such eloquence.

    My advice is to make it your new hobby to hurt down resources for Liz to use due to this sudden hardship, aside from using your own..... I advise against just giving her cash- she might mis-spend in a moment of emotional irrationality or thoughtlessnes. You really have to be her patron now.

    Don't be afraid to ask for help on her behalf or to encourage her to do so as well...I had a hard childhood (not in the foster system but close to it plus abuse and negelct) and I became so proud I would try to tough everything out...but it just made things harder.

    Actually, PM me if you wish....

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    Member Mikey35's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    It's funny the things that you think are so important in your life. We are all the center of our own little universe. Making up our own rules of time and space. Trying to make the world fit into the realities we make up in our heads. Bending and twisting ideas and people into our own visions of how we want them to act and to feel.

    Why is it that we can't just accept them as they are? No one is perfect. We all have our faults and weaknesses. Who are we to stand in judgement over anything other than our own feebleness? Being different just makes us unique, and uniqueness in this bland world needs to be embraced, not feared and rejected.


    Why is it that we can never realize what we have until it's too late?

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    God/dess Chrissy68's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    im sorry for your loss... i was wondering if you knew what her screenname was on here? sorry if that's a trivial thing to ask... good luck to you, i hope you find peace in your journey of mourning.

    Love it!

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    Featured Member thechaosfairy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    *hugs*

    I'm really touched.

    And also glad you're holding up, supporting the others around you, and looking to the future. It's a rare gem who can do that, who can hold onto the outside world while grieving and working through emotions.

    Do invite her to stay with you. Social support is essential in a time of grief. Even if she doesn't want to, I think she will understand the kindness and caring behind the offer. Make it clear that you will take care of her regardless.
    Quote Originally Posted by red red red View Post
    Like super-fast, frenetic, chipmunklike stylized humping with this look on her face like "Kill! Kill!"
    Quote Originally Posted by iseestars View Post
    i think people like going to parties and clubs and looking like douchebags.

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    God/dess Dottie Rebel's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    You sound like a stand-up person. Please don't play the what-if game. It's pointless and will only tear you up. You are so kind to want to help take care of Liz. That is the best way you can honor Becca.

    My heart goes out to you.

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    Member Mikey35's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    So at 3:30 this morning I'm rolling around in my bed trying to finally get some sleep and it just hits me, like a bolt of lightning. Oh my God, Liz is there in that apartment all by herself. How could I leave her alone like that? What a jackass I am. I'm so caught up in my own grief and trying to work things out in my own stupid head, that I just let her sit there alone in that apartment all day.

    As fast as I could, I threw on a pair of jeans and drove to her apartment which is usually an hour ride, but I think I made it there in about 20 minutes. I could see the lights were still on so I knocked on the door. When the door opened I could see her face was all red and puffy from crying so I just grabbed onto her and held her as tight as I could.

    We sat up talking until the sunlight began to peak into the living room window. Looking at pictures. Talking. Laughing. Crying. Finally just completely exhausted she fell asleep on the couch. I sat there just watching her sleep. Next thing I knew I felt a hand on my elbow, gently waking me up. I guess I must have fallen asleep too. The sleep definately did me some good as I was now thinking clearly for the first time in 3 days.

    After some breakfast and feeling a bit better now, we started talking about the future. I told her that I really want her to come live with me for as long as she wants and that she doesn't need to worry about paying for school or meds because I'm going to take care of all of that for her. She started crying and I gave her a big hug and looked her in the eyes and told her that she's my family now and that I love her and we're going to take care of each other.

    As I write this now, Liz is in the guest bedroom making it her own. I hear lots of hammering noises and cursing, so God know what she's up to in there, lol. It feels really good to have her here so I know I'm doing the right thing and we'll both get through this stronger than we started.

    Thanks again for all of your support and hugs and good thoughts. It really means alot to me. Oh, Liz read through this all too and wants me to say thanks to you all.

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    God/dess loveandluxury's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    I'm literally wiping tears from my face. I don't have anything useful to say other than I'm sorry for your loss and I want to commend you for being such a good person and helping Liz out. I wish the both of you nothing but the best. Please feel free to stick around the forum, you seem like a great guy and I for one would be honored to have you here. My condolences

    Animals are my friends, and I don't eat my friends.
    - George Bernard Shaw

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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    Quote Originally Posted by Sinder View Post
    I am sorry for your loss. It is very generous of you to think of taking care of Rebecca's sister like that. I am sure she is smiling down on you for that.
    My heartfelt sympathies for you and your extended family!

    Its almost unbearable this weight that has been put on your shoulders. It presses and pushes down on your heart and at times you feel like your just going to explode and be finally empty.

    Then one morning you wake up and realise that weight is still there. The minutes tick tock by and its an effort just to get up.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Truly. This sounds stupid and corny right now, but its all I have to offer. Time will make it better.
    If I can do something else. PLEASE let me know.

    Rhiannon

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    Member Mikey35's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    Quote Originally Posted by madmaxine View Post
    My advice is to make it your new hobby to hurt down resources for Liz to use due to this sudden hardship, aside from using your own.
    I really don't mind using my own money to help. It's not like I'm rich or anything. But after all, how can buying some material possesion for for myself even compare to being able to help her obtain the tools she needs to be able to fulfil her purpose in life, whatever that turns out to be. I'm just glad that I can be here for her and support her while she heals and learns to stand up on her own.

    This whole ordeal has really helped to open my eyes as to where my priorities should lie in life. Words are just words, even if they're nice words. To make a difference, you need to act upon those words, not just leave them out there for someone else to take responsibility for. Take responsibility for your own conscience. I used to think, well what difference can I make acting on my own? But now I realize that that I can change the world, even if it's just for one person.

    Quote Originally Posted by Chrissy68 View Post
    i was wondering if you knew what her screenname was on here? sorry if that's a trivial thing to ask.
    Sorry Chrissy. I'm not sure what it was. I don't know whether or not she continued to visit here after she quit dancing. I don't think it's trivial to want to know if this was someone you knew, just human nature. Thank you for caring.

    Quote Originally Posted by loveandluxury View Post
    Please feel free to stick around the forum, you seem like a great guy and I for one would be honored to have you here.
    To tell the truth, I was a bit nervous to post here at first. From the stories Becca told me about some of her fellow dancers I wasn't really sure if I would be welcome or not. I'm really glad I decided to post though, as this has given me alot of comfort during a tough time in my life. You have all been so kind to me and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I think that I would like to keep posting here and get involved in some of the other threads as this has been a very positive experience for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Crow2 View Post
    Its almost unbearable this weight that has been put on your shoulders. It presses and pushes down on your heart and at times you feel like your just going to explode and be finally empty.

    Then one morning you wake up and realise that weight is still there. The minutes tick tock by and its an effort just to get up.
    You have a good soul, Crow. Thank you for your words. You really have a poet's heart and are one of the few as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside.

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    Featured Member thechaosfairy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Hardest Goodbye

    My faith in humanity sometimes wavers, but I never quite lose it because of stories like this and good people like you.

    I believe sometimes we are put in the right place at the right time for a reason.
    Quote Originally Posted by red red red View Post
    Like super-fast, frenetic, chipmunklike stylized humping with this look on her face like "Kill! Kill!"
    Quote Originally Posted by iseestars View Post
    i think people like going to parties and clubs and looking like douchebags.

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