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Thread: i'm too hard on myself

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    Default i'm too hard on myself

    how do i not be?

    i decided to make this its own thread because i was posting about it a lot in the random thread.

    i do well at work. my manager always tells me that given the crowd, and compared to the other girls (we can see it anyway. lap dances are marked down in a notebook.) i'm doing well. but i'm not happy unless i do what *i* think is good. my goal for a fri/sat night is usually $700. last weekend i made $400 each night. that's nothing to be unhappy about, i guess. but it isn't good for me personally, so i've been freaking out over money, saying i need to work another day, and why am i doing so poorly, etc.

    i've lost weight recently too. a lot of people have told me. girls at work, and then last weekend one of the security guys i havent seen in over a month said he didnt know what i was doing but i looked really good. it's not good enough for ME though. i look at myself in the mirror at work when i'm on stage and i think "ew." even though i *know* i'm not anything close to "ew." and when i eat something that isn't totally healthy for me, i feel like shit.

    so whats going on? i'm my own worst enemy lately. i think the worst about everything. how can i change this? i'm aware of the problem, and that i'm thinking irrationally, but it doesn't help.

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    God/dess anomar's Avatar
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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    Why are you saving money? If you're making your goals of $$, is that going toward something bigger than that?



    Re weight loss... it's a thin line because if you feel that you are treating your body well then it might be a mind-fuck from the other girls. Can you define what you want to put in your body and why? Maybe make a list of foods you like. Can you think of some?

    We love you britt. Your comments have helped me in the past. It is awesome that you are turning to us too.

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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    Hey Britt...I've read books by this lady that help me with my painful thoughts, but here is a couple of short videos that are exactly what you need. imho.

    I Need More Money

    I Hate My Body

    BTW, thank you Britt for not being mean on my first ever thread. Little things mean a lot you know

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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    ^ lol.. im going to have to go read that. i come across as being a bitch sometimes, so its pretty good if i didnt!

    Quote Originally Posted by anomar View Post
    Why are you saving money? If you're making your goals of $$, is that going toward something bigger than that?

    http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com...ant-to-be-rich

    Re weight loss... it's a thin line because if you feel that you are treating your body well then it might be a mind-fuck from the other girls. Can you define what you want to put in your body and why? Maybe make a list of foods you like. Can you think of some?

    We love you britt. Your comments have helped me in the past. It is awesome that you are turning to us too.
    im not really saving for anything in particular. i'm just never happy with what i have. i always want more. and i worry a lot. plus, i like to be the best. sounds stupid, i know.

    about the weight loss.. i really have lost weight so the other girls arent being bitchy or anything. ive been working out and eating totally differently than i used to. i just, again, dont feel like its good enough. when i work out, like just now, i'll do one workout, and wont feel like i did enough. i just did a yoga workout for 40 minutes and if i didnt have things to do today, i'd probably do another workout.

    those 2 things were just examples. its really with everything that i feel like im picking on myself. maybe its self esteem issues? which is weird, because i feel like one one hand i'm pretty cocky but on the other i'm like ew whats wrong with me? haha.. im weird like that.

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    Featured Member xoxoGracexoxo's Avatar
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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    im not really saving for anything in particular. i'm just never happy with what i have. i always want more. and i worry a lot. plus, i like to be the best. sounds stupid, i know.
    Yeah. When you just want "more", you never do have enough. Whatever you have, you will still want "more." We commonly believe that when we want a thing, getting that thing will satisfy the want. Actually, in the brain, wanting something is a completely seperate action than the feeling of satisfaction, of having something. You can be satisfied with exactly what you have, OR you can have everything and still no be satisfied. The only way to be satisfied is to teach your brain that feeling. Acquisition of more money, or more stuff, or whatever it is, won't bring you that feeling.

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    maybe its self esteem issues? which is weird, because i feel like one one hand i'm pretty cocky but on the other i'm like ew whats wrong with me? haha.. im weird like that.
    Yeah, these feelings go hand in hand. People who have really high standards for themselves are both arrogant -- I mean, how arrogant is it of us to beleive that we're capable of being PERFECT? -- and at the same down on ourselves, because we are always falling short of those standards.

    There is a very tricky balance to find between contentment and restlessness. I think the suggestion of writing down goals is a good one, because you can remind yourself of what you actually want the money for, rather than always just wanting MORE. You can see the progress you are making towards your goals and teach yourself to be proud of that.

    Also, consider learning to be contentment with your self and your life exactly the way they are. It isn't easy. You can't just tell yourself "be content." You have to teach your mind to enter that state. It's a form of meditation. A good way to start is by making a list of the things in your life you're grateful for, and then sit and think for a second about each one. As you reflect on what makes you grateful, there may a sense of ease and peace. Try to extend that feeling for a second or two. You are teaching your mind to feel content. If you practice, you'll eventually be able to enter a state of contentment whenver you want to, so that when you start feeling that you need to have more or be more, you can remind yourself that you're fine as you are, and relax.

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    Featured Member london's Avatar
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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you finished or nearly finished with your course study at university? I ask this because I have been a high-achieving person for the majority of my life and school, work, etc tended to keep me distracted enough from the whole 'contemplating your navel'genre of internal reflection.

    I found that when I finished grad school and was kind of like...ok, what next?....that that was when I began to worry more and more about trivial things and think about my weight and money and so on and so forth. I think it may be a combination of tunnel visioning your thought processes to stifle the onslaught of thoughts about the 'bigger picture' which then surfaces in seemingly trivial areas (things others would say aren't worth stressing over). This, too, shall pass!

    I eventually began to address larger issues that I'd stifled for years. I had put so much on the back burner in order to excel in academia and daily life. It was painful and that pain occasionally still lingers but I am convinced that is a natural and necessary process for someone who has lived a structured or disciplined life (acadmia, etc) and has a lot of time on their hands to...refect. It's uncomfortable at first, but totally necessary.

    I may have totally missed the mark, as I do not know you personally, but I think it is important to know that it's not unusual to have a sort of shift, as it were, when your life does the same. I didn't see it coming! (grins)
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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    ^ yes, i finished school in january. and im having a lot of issues with that, though i dont know if theyre related. i dont know what i want to do with my life, i feel like im not interested in anything. i cant be a kid anymore, haha. i definately do have the "ok.. what now?" feelings.

    grace, that concept seems so abstract to me. like, i dont know if i can do it. you know? i know people say things like that are possible but i wonder if theyre possible for me.

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    Featured Member la429's Avatar
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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    My club has been pretty slow lately so maybe it's the same where you are. Maybe your just not having the same amount of customers or quality customers walking through the doors!

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    God/dess anomar's Avatar
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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    Here is a very good goal to work toward with your money:
    add up how much money your rent, food, phone bill, etc costs in one month. That should only take a few minutes.
    Multiply that by 3 or 6...
    THAT is an amount of money you could make into a goal. When you have that money you can tell yourself that you have done something serious and significant for your future happiness and well-being. That way, whenever you go to work you can worry less about making just 'more'. Because you have *enough* that if you just don't want to dance for a little, it's fine.


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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    Sounds like you need a nice vacation-go relax somewhere away from all your worries.Get out of the rut do different things change your routine.

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    Featured Member london's Avatar
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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    I second CuriousJ's advice to take a trip to either your favorite get-away city or try somewhere you've been curious about and have never visited. Shaking up your environment can do wonders. Perhaps you can find a nearby city within a short driving distance with some sort of intere stingfestival or event going on and go check it out.

    Having a purpose for your trip, even if it's a fun purpose, would be better than idly going somewhere unless it is already a city you absolutely love no matter what you're doing in it. If you go to an unknown place with no plan, you may start getting antsy and feeling like 'you could (or would rather) be working.' ( I speak from experience!)
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  12. #12
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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    I agree, you need a vacation....

    come to florida!

    I'm sorry you're feeling low. If you even need to vent, call me. Or txt me, and I'll call you.

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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    hmm. thats a good idea for the money goal, but it isnt about money. that was just an example. its everything in general. you pick a situation, and i'll pick on myself about it. i didnt make enough money, i ate bad, i didnt work out hard enough, i didnt put enough effort into this or that, i stayed up later than i wanted to when i have to get up early, i dont spend enough time playing with my cats, WHATEVER.

    about a vacation.. this isnt something new. ive pretty much always been like this. its not like i just need a break. of course, a break in florida with lola would be fun but i cant just up and go somewhere. you know?

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    God/dess hockeybobby's Avatar
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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    hmm. thats a good idea for the money goal, but it isnt about money. that was just an example. its everything in general. you pick a situation, and i'll pick on myself about it. i didnt make enough money, i ate bad, i didnt work out hard enough, i didnt put enough effort into this or that, i stayed up later than i wanted to when i have to get up early, i dont spend enough time playing with my cats, WHATEVER.

    about a vacation.. this isnt something new. ive pretty much always been like this. its not like i just need a break. of course, a break in florida with lola would be fun but i cant just up and go somewhere. you know?
    haha...you are the only one in the whole world who thinks that you, Britt, haven't done everything precisely and exactly as you should. Ask anyone who knows you whether you should have done anything differently, and they would say no. You did it all perfectly. The only difference is you have thoughts in your head like "I should have..." or "I shouldn't have..." about everything. Without the thoughts, you are content and at peace with everything in your life. Belief in those thoughts cause you to suffer.

    It's ok though, happens to all of us.

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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    ^ i do ask people. about everything. at work, i can barely dress myself without asking a bunch of people which outfit they like.

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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    ^ i do ask people. about everything. at work, i can barely dress myself without asking a bunch of people which outfit they like.
    That kind of thing, asking the girls what looks good on you, or works with these shoes and such...that's a girl thing that's perfectly normal. It's only a problem if it makes you feel bad about yourself.

    The point I was trying to make is that from the outside you seem fine to anybody looking. Inside your head is where the turmoil is. Without the troubling thoughts you have, you are a peaceful and contented Britt living moment to moment.

    Everyone on the planet wants the same thing as you and I Britt. We all want to be happy. And we all run around telling ourselves "I'll be happy if I can just make more money" or "I'll be happy if I can just weigh xx pounds" etc. etc. But the thing is, we can never be happy...and I define happiness for myself as the absence of suffering with awareness...as long as we are troubled by those thoughts.

    The beauty of it is, we don't have to wait for some future occurrence, to obtain some academic degree, to meet some perfect person, to achieve this or that...we can go directly to happy, by calming our mind. By controlling these thoughts, we become happy. No middle step required. Go directly to the prize that everyone in the world covets. You can be happy right now, exactly as you are, with what you have, and what you do.

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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    but that's part of the problem. i don't think "i would be happy if _____" because whatever goes in that blank is never enough. i wouldnt be happy if i weighed less, because once i got there, i would decide that wasnt good enough. i would be happy if i made $1000 in a night at work, because i would be convinced i couldve made more. understand?

    i seem "ok on the outside" to people on the internet.. that doesnt really work, you know? i choose what i type and can edit or delete my words. in real life, it's different. i cant hide emotions, or take back something i said, or anything like that. i wonder about how i seem to people in real life. i complain a lot. i complain a lot on here. i dont think i really seem all that together. maybe in comparison to others, but i'm a mess, and i think i'm pretty open about that. i think it would be interesting to have a bunch of people tell me what they think of me, good or bad. but life doesnt work that way. you (or me, at least) cant just take that all in and internalize it and go about your day.

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    God/dess hockeybobby's Avatar
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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    but that's part of the problem. i don't think "i would be happy if _____" because whatever goes in that blank is never enough. i wouldnt be happy if i weighed less, because once i got there, i would decide that wasnt good enough. i would be happy if i made $1000 in a night at work, because i would be convinced i couldve made more. understand?

    i seem "ok on the outside" to people on the internet.. that doesnt really work, you know? i choose what i type and can edit or delete my words. in real life, it's different. i cant hide emotions, or take back something i said, or anything like that. i wonder about how i seem to people in real life. i complain a lot. i complain a lot on here. i dont think i really seem all that together. maybe in comparison to others, but i'm a mess, and i think i'm pretty open about that. i think it would be interesting to have a bunch of people tell me what they think of me, good or bad. but life doesnt work that way. you (or me, at least) cant just take that all in and internalize it and go about your day.
    Please re-read Grace's post further up the thread Britt. She answers this ^^ perfectly, and I couldn't say it any better.

    You are beautiful and desirable, you are good at what you do, you live in a great country, you are loved, and you are doing fine.

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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    i know, i read her post. i responded to it! just didnt quote her.

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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    Someone somewhere said, in essence, it is a problem when we cannot reconcile what we think life should be with what it is... it may be no more complex then having images in your head that just can never measure up in real life. If so... you need to find a way to close the gap, maybe on both ends... don't give up all your ideals but ease up so they better match reality.

    X

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    Default Re: i'm too hard on myself

    I've noticed in the past that you can be tough on yourself, Britt, and I agree with you that you're doing too much of it. London's point about being in a period of transition really sounds on the mark--perhaps you expected more from life when it was a series of images in the future, and now that that future is here it was not quite what you thought it would be. Often you find though if you let go of your expectations what you see is something surprising and new, and something that offers you tremendous growth. I think the way to get there is by opening your heart to some new, large thing, so that your smaller, day to day plans do not seem as overwhelming if you can't get done all that you wanted to. In other words, you might be in search of an overall theme, a mission. When you find it, learn to forgive yourself if you fall short some days--what is important is that you keep your spirit in the game. Hope this makes some sense!

    Edit: as I go back to this, I realize that X above me said the same thing and did a better job of it!
    JK Jim

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