Ok. This has been a long time coming from me. I'm a long time member of this board, but for my privacy I made a new screen name. This is some pretty damning stuff. PLEASE do not try to guess who I am, I want to be anonymous for a lot of reasons. It's very painful for me to finally write this, and I've wanted to for a long time. I am not a troll.
I am one of those awful strippers. I let guys in the champagne room grope my tits and I grind them until they get off sometimes. I titty fuck them through their pants. I let them suck my nipples. I rub their dicks with my hand through their pants. I nibble on their ears and necks like I'm really into them. I tell my boyfriend nothing goes on in there but normal stuff. I do coke every couple of months. I get drunk every night at work and drive home less than sober. Last night I even made out with one of my regulars because I wanted to. I like the guy. But now as I'm sober, I feel so horrible about myself. I cheated on my boyfriend - and this isn't the first time I've done it to him in years of dancing.
How have I compartmentalized myself so well? How have I seperated the real life part of me and the stripper part of me so they are practically different people? When I wake up the next morning and I feel horrible, I tell myself "Just forget it. You screwed up, you won't do it again. Don't tell your boyfriend and ruin your whole life" But it always happens again.
If my boyfriend found out all that goes on in private rooms, he would leave me. He would never forgive me or trust me again. This guy is the love of my life. I want to marry him and have kids. He IS my life after dancing. What if someone at work told him? What if he came in and wandered into a champagne room because he was suspicious? What if someone at work saw me making out with that guy? It would ruin my reputation. Even if I didn't have a boyfriend, I would still feel scummy about how far I go with these guys. No, I don't give handjobs, blow jobs, whatever, but grinding dudes and letting them grope your ass and tits is pretty hookerish. If I lost him because of this, I would feel so hopeless I would probably end up being a hooker and die in a ditch. As all this stuff is happening to me in the VIP rooms, I hate these men. I want to cry. I feel like I'm being raped for money. I let them but I don't want to let them. I don't know how to describe it.
I don't volunteer this level of contact MOST of the time, but I don't know how to say no. I think psychologically it all goes back to when I was molested as a child. Everything that guy did to me, he asked to do. He persuaded me. I said no, I didn't want it, but he kept badgering me until I let him do what he wanted to. It's like I'm reliving it. It's like I've never learned to stand up for myself. I feel like if I say no, I'm being a bitch and I'm going to piss the guy off and he's just going to do it anyways. If I say no it'll cause drama. I'm just a whore anywaysSaying no kills the fantasy, but I mean I do have some level of limits. How do I get them back to normal? The drinking allows me to put up with this stuff, but if I didn't drink I'd probably have better control.
I made out with my regular and have done it before. I liked it at the time, it was a thrill, but now I'm ready to burst into tears. The guilt is horrific. I'm taking off the whole weekend, the best money of the week, to stay at home with my boyfriend because I feel so guilty. It's like I'm avoiding work because I know what will happen. If I stay at home this horrible shit won't happen. But I have to go back to work eventually.
What should I do? I need advice, I need understanding, I need someone to HELP ME and tell me I'm not a horrible person and how to change. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't go on like this.


Saying no kills the fantasy, but I mean I do have some level of limits. How do I get them back to normal? The drinking allows me to put up with this stuff, but if I didn't drink I'd probably have better control.
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