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Thread: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

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    Default I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Ok. This has been a long time coming from me. I'm a long time member of this board, but for my privacy I made a new screen name. This is some pretty damning stuff. PLEASE do not try to guess who I am, I want to be anonymous for a lot of reasons. It's very painful for me to finally write this, and I've wanted to for a long time. I am not a troll.

    I am one of those awful strippers. I let guys in the champagne room grope my tits and I grind them until they get off sometimes. I titty fuck them through their pants. I let them suck my nipples. I rub their dicks with my hand through their pants. I nibble on their ears and necks like I'm really into them. I tell my boyfriend nothing goes on in there but normal stuff. I do coke every couple of months. I get drunk every night at work and drive home less than sober. Last night I even made out with one of my regulars because I wanted to. I like the guy. But now as I'm sober, I feel so horrible about myself. I cheated on my boyfriend - and this isn't the first time I've done it to him in years of dancing.

    How have I compartmentalized myself so well? How have I seperated the real life part of me and the stripper part of me so they are practically different people? When I wake up the next morning and I feel horrible, I tell myself "Just forget it. You screwed up, you won't do it again. Don't tell your boyfriend and ruin your whole life" But it always happens again.

    If my boyfriend found out all that goes on in private rooms, he would leave me. He would never forgive me or trust me again. This guy is the love of my life. I want to marry him and have kids. He IS my life after dancing. What if someone at work told him? What if he came in and wandered into a champagne room because he was suspicious? What if someone at work saw me making out with that guy? It would ruin my reputation. Even if I didn't have a boyfriend, I would still feel scummy about how far I go with these guys. No, I don't give handjobs, blow jobs, whatever, but grinding dudes and letting them grope your ass and tits is pretty hookerish. If I lost him because of this, I would feel so hopeless I would probably end up being a hooker and die in a ditch. As all this stuff is happening to me in the VIP rooms, I hate these men. I want to cry. I feel like I'm being raped for money. I let them but I don't want to let them. I don't know how to describe it.

    I don't volunteer this level of contact MOST of the time, but I don't know how to say no. I think psychologically it all goes back to when I was molested as a child. Everything that guy did to me, he asked to do. He persuaded me. I said no, I didn't want it, but he kept badgering me until I let him do what he wanted to. It's like I'm reliving it. It's like I've never learned to stand up for myself. I feel like if I say no, I'm being a bitch and I'm going to piss the guy off and he's just going to do it anyways. If I say no it'll cause drama. I'm just a whore anyways Saying no kills the fantasy, but I mean I do have some level of limits. How do I get them back to normal? The drinking allows me to put up with this stuff, but if I didn't drink I'd probably have better control.

    I made out with my regular and have done it before. I liked it at the time, it was a thrill, but now I'm ready to burst into tears. The guilt is horrific. I'm taking off the whole weekend, the best money of the week, to stay at home with my boyfriend because I feel so guilty. It's like I'm avoiding work because I know what will happen. If I stay at home this horrible shit won't happen. But I have to go back to work eventually.

    What should I do? I need advice, I need understanding, I need someone to HELP ME and tell me I'm not a horrible person and how to change. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't go on like this.

  2. #2
    Glamazon
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Quote Originally Posted by littlemisshidden View Post
    How do I get them back to normal? The drinking allows me to put up with this stuff, but if I didn't drink I'd probably have better control.

    What should I do? I need advice, I need understanding, I need someone to HELP ME and tell me I'm not a horrible person and how to change. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't go on like this.
    The answer is pretty simple here: QUIT DRINKING!!

    You're not a horrible person. Promise.

  3. #3
    beauty21queen
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Shit ....Well you can change im pretty sure, just try not to drink at work anymore, drinking causes people to do things they would never do.Do you feel you have to drink to work though? You're not a horrible person at all maybe you should look into therapy about this psychological stuff.

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    Featured Member pinkpvc's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Seriously i think you should quite dancing and get another job. Why put your happiness and future at risk for the sake of a job?

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    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    I agree! Stop drinking. I have some demons with drinking at work, too. Maybe switch clubs so it's a less friendly environment and you can't slip up.

  6. #6
    TheSexKitten
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Oh sweetie I've heard of much worse.

    #1: No drinking at work. Not even a little bit if you consistently get drunk. You need to get used to working sober!

    You need to take baby steps to establish your boundaries. And trust me, most guys TRY groping you just to see if you'll deny them. You know, like they might as well see if she's cool with it just in case. Sometimes it's hard to ground yourself back in reality, especially when you're in an environment where everyone else is doing similar things and hey... you're getting paid!

    I would recommend deciding very, very distinctly what you are and are not comfortable with, and making baby steps to stop that. Start out by cutting out the most extreme stuff, like the dick touching. That's the easiest thing to cut out, and then move on to not kissing their neck, and then try blowing near their ear rather than nibbling, etc.

    After a while you'll start to realize you CAN make the same or at least almost the same amount of money without doing those things, and you'll have the courage to slap hands away off your butt and boobs. These men know that what they are doing is not acceptable by normal standards (unless they're serious rapists or perverts but then you don't need their money), so much of the time all they need is some direction.

    Also spend some time with your bf coming up with sexy dance moves that are a bit less contact, but still enticing. I'm sure he'll appreciate the show as well.

    In conclusion, I know what you're experiencing and you're going to feel so much better about yourself and about work in general if you start with these little baby steps.

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    Veteran Member oohdamnbaby's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Quote Originally Posted by beauty21queen View Post
    Shit ....Well you can change im pretty sure, just try not to drink at work anymore, drinking causes people to do things they would never do.Do you feel you have to drink to work though? You're not a horrible person at all maybe you should look into therapy about this psychological stuff.
    I agree.

    *hugs*

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    Senior Member muladoll's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Oh honey I feel you. You're not a horrible person & I know you feel guilty. Im pretty sure its the alcohol. The only timed I've felt badly about myself and things I've allowed to go on at work has been when I drink a whole lot.

    We are dancers not hookers. The men pay us to dance for them not get them off, but of course the men will try to get as much as they can because they are horny men. Don't feel like you can't stop they're behavior. You can still be very sensual and sexy and keep them wanting more and more dances from you. Imagine if you're grinding on a guy and he happens to cum right away? He's not gonna want anymore dances from you. Plus he's gonna go to strip clubs expecting this kind of thing. Worse than that, you could be arrested if you're breaking rules.

    I know some SC's have different kinds of rules as to what is allowed and what is not. If grinding is allowed, keep it to a minimum so you're teasing him and he keeps getting dances. Anyway, I'm willing to bet it's the alcohol. Slow it down I'd don't drink at all.

    As far as your past unfortunate experience with some molesting bastard, get some counseling for that.

    Good luck! You're not a horrible person and you're not a whore. You are a sexy, sensual dancer and men will pay to watch you dance for them.

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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Do you think that maybe you do these thing because you want them to keep coming back and spending money on you? I know a girl in a similiar situation as you. She has some regulars and she's gotten drunk with them and taken things too far (kissing, groping, etc...) and so the next time they come in she thinks that they expect those things to happen again and if they don't happen she fears they'll stop coming in for her and that means less money. It's harder and harder for her because at first it was cool, she was making alot more money, but now it doesn't seem worth it but she can't afford not to have that money coming in. Does this make sense???

  10. #10
    TheSexKitten
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    ^^^ Yeah sort of an ongoing cycle where you either need to keep up with expectations or lose all your regs.

    Fuck em though. Just tell them that you got a little crazy before and you "got caught" by management or some lie so they are more likely to keep staying with you.

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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Quote Originally Posted by TheSexKitten View Post
    ^^^ Yeah sort of an ongoing cycle where you either need to keep up with expectations or lose all your regs.
    Quote Originally Posted by TheSexKitten View Post

    Fuck em though. Just tell them that you got a little crazy before and you "got caught" by management or some lie so they are more likely to keep staying with you.


    EXACTLY!

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    God/dess VegasPrincess's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Just sent you a PM...
    Sexy Jasmine after getting fucked over at work:

    God loves strippers and when guys do things like that its an automatic ticket to HELL!


    Quote Originally Posted by anomar View Post
    Perhaps you stopped spending money on her. Strippers need money to operate. They are like coin operated juke-boxes of love.

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    Veteran Member Lklucky's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    I think you are judging yourself instead of seeing the behaviors you describe for what they are: ways to cope. Your brain is using these coping mechanisms to help you gain control in an unstable and chaotic enviroment. YOU are not your coping mechanism. One thing is certain: the two ways that have helped you survive (drinking and allowing others to cross your personal boundaries) are no longer working. Perhaps instead of judging yourself; you should AVOID the situation that will make you have to use your coping mechanism. In plain language: no vip rooms or high milage dancing; do the plain $20's all night; money may be lost temporarily but you will gain your self esteem back; that is for sure.

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    God/dess pookie's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Maybe you are doing this because you think you have to give them their moneys worth? In all honesty you are giving them more than their moneys worth to the point of ripping yourself off. If you see if from this angle it will help you stop with that. Customers don't deserve all that action for the price of a lap dance. You are not a horrible person. People make mistakes, and it ok so long as you learn from them and make yourself a better person out of it. Alc make you think your boundaries are a lot father than they are sober. I'm guessing if you were sober you probably wouldn't be doing some of this stuff because you would be far more uncomfortable.
    Its not fair that you were molested as a child. It is not your fault and its in the past, and the best thing to do is to remember that it is in that past, and that it shall stay in the past, not the present. With that said, i dont think thats really the reason why you are a doing that stuff, its the alc. If you say no and it ruins a customers 'fantasy' that is just too bad for the customer. You are a dancer, not an escort or prostitute. You are in no way obligated to do that for them just because they want it. Its your body and you have the right to do and deny at your liking.
    Last edited by pookie; 04-11-2008 at 11:58 AM.




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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    I wish more people on this site could be as honest as you've been. I'll play.

    I had one too many drinks at the club one night...3 back to back champagne rooms and I was downing them as fast as I could. I did some things that I am WAY not proud of. That night, I called up my dealer and even bought coke (I had been clean of that shit for almost 6 months). I let things happen in the CR b/c the guy was cute and I was drunk...basically made a complete fool of myself.

    I have thought about that night so many times and beaten myself up over it. I cheated on my boyfriend that night too.

    But you know what? Feeling bad doesn't help anything. Channel all that into something positive- LEARNING from your mistakes.

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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself



    It took a lot of guts to post this. I don't blame you for making a private screen name.

    I agree with the statements. Start with a break from dancing, and go back sober. This job is not your life, if it re-creates a traumatic moment then you need to go back and heal yourself. I was assaulted at a young age and had/have a hard time telling guys "no" outside the club.

    If you can't stop dancing (we all have bills) maybe there is a club with tighter security that you could go to? Or you could tell your customers that they've installed cameras and certain behaviors won't be tolerated. Throw in a super cute pout and say "you wouldn't want me to get in trouble, would you?"

    Good luck. Keep this name and keep us updated if you can!

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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    I never expected this much support. With all the anti-touching anti-drinking sentiment on this site, I thought I would be attacked as a troll or called a whore.

    Your support means so much. It really is all about recognizing it and trying to change. I'm going back to work next week, hopefully with a new agenda.

    A club change might be in order, too.

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    Veteran Member Morgan_TX's Avatar
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    Can I just say THANK YOU to all the ladies who replied here? It seems like it's been so catty and mean around here, and it's refreshing to see so many women being supportive and understanding.

    <Threadjack over>

    Contact me for a psychic reading or spiritual advice!
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    I, too, really feel for you. I urge you to seek counciling as well. Even if its only once or twice a month with a therapist you can trust. You deserve to work through some of your feelings around having been molested and help yourself to establish clearer boundaries.
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Quote Originally Posted by littlemisshidden View Post
    I never expected this much support. With all the anti-touching anti-drinking sentiment on this site, I thought I would be attacked as a troll or called a whore.

    Your support means so much. It really is all about recognizing it and trying to change. I'm going back to work next week, hopefully with a new agenda.

    A club change might be in order, too.


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    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Yea, it is nice to see everyone being nice instead of bitches... even though sometimes I am one of those bitches.

  22. #22
    Glamazon
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Quote Originally Posted by littlemisshidden View Post
    A club change might be in order, too.
    Excellent idea. Anytime I've had work behaviors that I needed to modify, a change of clubs was the #1 thing that helped. Nowadays, I know exactly what my limits and boundaries are regarding anything work related.

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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Why are you allowing this? I do not think it is about the money, because if it was I don't think you would feel guilty about it. You say you love your bf, then why make out with another guy just for fun? I understand that a guy touching you or licking you is not your fault, but the other stuff you mentioned- rubbing them off with your hand, licking their ears, and making out with them? Why do you do it?? you have complete control over that.

    The way I say no is just adapt a cute baby voice and go "nu uh not allowed! There is security watching!" When they try to touch my genitals I just move their hand away to my leg or somewhere less personal, I don't say anything. Just be nice about it and it shouldn't kill the mood. And if a guy does keep badgering and bringing up rape memories just walk away or tell security. Thats what they are there for! Who cares if you lose some money from it. You might be missing out on other nicer customers by spending time with the douchebag that won't take no for an answer.

    I think the reason you might be feeling guilty is because you seem to at least think that you enjoy this kind of behavior. To me its just a job, but you seem to be taking it a little personally. You need to learn to detach yourself.
    I'm not trying to be mean, but I think you need to think about why you do these things and maybe that will help you realize why you feel guilty about it. Maybe you are embarrassed of how you act when you are drunk? I do not believe that being drunk makes you a different person. Maybe you feel guilty for being into other guys you meet at the club?
    Last edited by msonyxorb; 04-11-2008 at 12:43 PM.

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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Just because someone drinks at work doesn't mean they're not cut out for it. I have a few drinks because it helps loosen me up, especially on stage. Sorry but it's hard for me to get up there and get nude in front of strangers stone sober. I'm very shy and it helps calm my nerves. It's not good to get trashed, but a couple drinks isn't bad.

  25. #25
    Glamazon
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    Default Re: I feel guilty and horrible about myself

    Quote Originally Posted by msonyxorb View Post
    Why do you need to drink at work in the first place? If you can't do the job sober then I don't think you are really cut out for it.
    I don't think this thread is the time or place to be having this debate again.

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