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Thread: She's getting married

  1. #1
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default She's getting married

    Got to love e-mail address books. Someone I had deep and unrequited feelings for a couple years ago (and haven't spoken to since) sent out an e-mail broadcast this morning to "friends and family" about her engagement.

    I met her guy the night of their first date, bumping into them at a bar (this was maybe weeks after she and I had the enormously difficult "just friends" conversation). She seemed thrilled and wanted me to meet him. I declined; pointing out it was his first date, and he shouldn't have to encounter her friends just yet. Little did I know that I was about to be shut out of her life completely. This sent me into a wicked, 5-month winter depression. I still think about her daily. Shrug. You don't pick who you fall for; you just do.

    Honestly, I wish them well. (But, no, I'm not sending a congratulatory e-mail back; I'm not quite that generous of spirit. Maybe some day.)

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    Default Re: She's getting married

    ^ I totally sympathize with your feelings at the moment.

    But fast forward five years. Looking back, your decision to ignore her in her time of great happiness will likely sadden you.

    FWIW, I would suggest that you dig deep into the memories of the "friendship" part of your former relationship and do the gracious thing: Send the e-mail. And if you are feeling particularly magnanimous, ask where they are registered (this will also feel good in five years).

    If nothing else, please realize that the closeness of your relationship means that she will be conscious of your ignoring her at this time. Not a generous thing to do to somebody you once deeply cared for.

  3. #3
    Jay Zeno
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    Default Re: She's getting married

    Agreement. You don't lose by taking the high road. In fact, there's much to gain.

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    Default Re: She's getting married

    That's gotta be tough.Stay strong and move forward my friend.I can relate to your story as it happend to me once as well-mine was a dear John letter.

  5. #5
    Chicagoeditor
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Other Owner View Post
    Not a generous thing to do to somebody you care deeply for.
    I suppose. But setting the record straight: She was aware I'd fallen apart and didn't contact me when I longed for a kind word from her.

    It's likely (given our professions and geography) that we'll bump into each other one of these days. I dread that day. Because I don't know if I'll be gracious and sweet or cold and angry.

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    Default Re: She's getting married

    Quote Originally Posted by Chicagoeditor View Post
    I suppose. But setting the record straight: She was aware I'd fallen apart and didn't contact me when I longed for a kind word from her.

    It' likely (given our professions and geography) that we'll bump into each other one of these days. I dread that day. Because I don't know if I'll be gracious and sweet or cold and angry.
    Perhaps she didn't contact you because in reality you weren't just longing for a kind word from her. You wanted much more than she was willing to give. You wanted her to be yours, and she wanted you to just be a good friend. Contacting someone in that state is usually not a good idea, as they'll just become even more distraught once they find out that any said call is only reaffirming the fact of her just wanting to be a friend.

    Are you going to keep acting like a freshman in high school over this? "But she didn't call me when she'd broken my heart..."

    Be a man, grow up and just be happy for them. Its not how you act when times are good that define you, its how you act when they are bad... and you aren't defining yourself to be a stand up guy right now.

    Do the right thing, send them your well wishes, and perhaps even look up their registry.

    As my parents used to tell me, you'll thank us when you are older.
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    Chicagoeditor
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Machismo View Post
    Be a man, grow up and just be happy for them.
    Am happy for them, as I wrote in the OP. I just won't pretend I wasn't hurt or that she had zero responsibility in hurting me.

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    Default Re: She's getting married

    Quote Originally Posted by Chicagoeditor View Post
    Am happy for them, as I wrote in the OP. I just won't pretend I wasn't hurt or that she had zero responsibility in hurting me.
    That has absolutely nothing to do with sending them well wishes and/or getting them a gift.

    You got hurt by a girl. Welcome to life my friend, it happens. As I said before, stop acting like a freshman in high school, you'll thank us when you are older.
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    Default Re: She's getting married

    Quote Originally Posted by Chicagoeditor View Post
    I suppose. But setting the record straight: She was aware I'd fallen apart and didn't contact me when I longed for a kind word from her.
    I've been there. I know exactly what you mean, trust me.

    I'm sure you can appreciate how unsettling, upsetting or even gut-wrenchingly difficult it would have been for her to contact you during that time. Pain goes two ways, even if people are good at hiding it. Sometimes total separation is best to allow the wounds to heal. I recognize that the result has been that you are still hurt and angry. Don't let them control you.

    With respect to the wedding, I'm talking about the long run here. There will come a day when you will wish you were the gracious gentleman in this scenario.

    It will also mean that when you bump into each other in the future, you will be happy for having acted with grace and kindness.

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    Default Re: She's getting married

    I'm going to buck the trend here and suggest that you should do what feels right for you, and give that priority over the social niceties.

    As for what happens if you bump into her in the future ... it's like I tell people about going to their first funeral... don't think about it. When you are there, in the situation, you will know what to do. It will not be rehearsed, but it will be honest, and there are times in life when just being honest is best.

    Really, the world doesn't stop if in the future there are people in our lives with whom we have unresolved conflict. We don't need to make everything happy happy nice nice all the time.

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    ^ I've found that when I make things "happy happy nice nice," which turns out to require less effort than I thought, they actually result in a life experience that is happy and nice.

  12. #12
    Chicagoeditor
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    Quote Originally Posted by xdamage View Post
    I'm going to buck the trend here and suggest that you should do what feels right for you, and give that priority over the social niceties.
    Thanks. I should add there are other women (those I dated or wanted to date) that I'm still in touch with. For these women, I'm a solid and supportive friend. I have affection for them and their new mates. This one--boys and girls--this one is different, a new category. To say I'm frightened of bumping into her (this is someone I felt no anxiety around when we were pals) may help you understand my feelings somewhat.

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Other Owner View Post
    ^ I've found that when I make things "happy happy nice nice," which turns out to require less effort than I thought, they actually result in a life experience that is happy and nice.
    Yea, I know, but for various reasons in my life right now, I am learning about other dimensions to my person that are not so happy or nice, but are part of who I am. They are becoming decreasingly scary, and strangely, even though they are not happy feelings, they are fulfilling for the reason that they are part of me.

    I think I was brought up feeling like if I'm not always feeling happy happy nice nice something is wrong with me. It takes even less effort to feel all those other feelings, even if they don't live up to the expectation that happy happy nice nice is a preferred goal.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jay Zeno View Post
    Agreement. You don't lose by taking the high road. In fact, there's much to gain.
    Ditto this. Being anything but gracious and supporting will do you no good in the future.
    "never trust a big butt and a smile"-- Bell Biv DeVoe

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    Default Re: She's getting married

    Quote Originally Posted by Chicagoeditor View Post
    I met her guy the night of their first date, bumping into them at a bar (this was maybe weeks after she and I had the enormously difficult "just friends" conversation). She seemed thrilled and wanted me to meet him. I declined; pointing out it was his first date, and he shouldn't have to encounter her friends just yet. Little did I know that I was about to be shut out of her life completely. This sent me into a wicked, 5-month winter depression. I still think about her daily. Shrug. You don't pick who you fall for; you just do.

    Honestly, I wish them well. (But, no, I'm not sending a congratulatory e-mail back; I'm not quite that generous of spirit. Maybe some day.)
    Wake up folks! She was saying let's be friends but she really wanted to move on. She won't want to hear from him because her email to him was very likely a mistake!

    It's not childish to feel pain and it's not childish to maintain healthy boundaries. Putting up a false face IS unhealthy and very unnecessary. CE, when you say you don't need the possible grief of another interaction, I believe you. Five months of depression may be no big deal to some posters but it's serious and should be respected above putting forth a fake face for some misguided concept of "manliness".

    I gotta tell you. The guys I was most hung up on mean little to nothing to me now since much of my passion was in my head not in theirs. I needed to get perspective to see what the guy already saw, that it indeed was no big deal. CE won't mysteriously be poorer for moving on. He won't look back on this and regret not interacting with a woman who dropped him unceremoniously. He's rich in the wisdom to protect and nurture his emotional health right now and things can only get better! Walk on, CE! Walk on!! And you better bring yo' ass to the SWfest, too!
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

  16. #16
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: She's getting married

    ^^^ Thanks, Opt.

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    Default Re: She's getting married

    I disagree. Her e-mail to him was unlikely to have been a mistake. If nothing else, I suspect she is in much less pain and has less anger than he does.

    Go back to the original post where CE ran into her during the first date with this guy. "She seem thrilled and wanted me to meet him." I realize this happened in the distant past, but it suggests that the emotions ran deep. To say nothing of the "enormously difficult 'just friends' conversation."

    I realize he is feeling pain. But I am quite certain that in the long run, he will have wished that he behaved more graciously. This has nothing to do with being "manly." In fact, this entire thread runs counter to what the general public, through standard assumptions and cultural norms, would consider to be "manly."

    CE, if you just wanted validation for your feelings, I'll shut the hell up.

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    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: She's getting married

    Sounds like he just wanted to vent and get sympathy.

    Which I don't think he needs sympathy. I agree with TOO. I've been in situations much like this one, and am not happy that I was immature and handled it in much the same fashion CE is trying to do.

    Its a break up, its not supposed to be easy, and I'm sure the 5 months of no contact was so that the phrase "Time heals all wounds" would be put to good use.

    I still say just send her a simple congratulations, as you say you ARE happy for them. But yet you don't want to say that to them?

    Sounds pretty immature and childish to me. Though its understandable when feeling like crap, just know that the higher road does exist and will feel good.
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  19. #19
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: She's getting married

    TOO,

    I'm wondering how you know the e-mail wasn't an error.

    Speaking of e-mails, the last one I sent her, after 5 months of silence, didn't elicit a response. Okay, I did write in that one--I forwarded something I thought she'd find interesting, "I stooopidly and inconveniently still miss you." Hell, I'd been abandoned, and I was very hurt. Even so, I ended that note: "Wishing you all the best, always." And I meant that.

    I'm inclined to let it alone. If fate decides I should bump into her in the future, we'll see. I'm sure I'll be polite, which is my natural orientation. (Waiting for the "nice guys" aren't really "nice" rants to follow....)
    Last edited by Chicagoeditor; 04-16-2008 at 12:40 PM.

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    Default Re: She's getting married

    I'm sorry, how is he being immature by choosing not to contact her? I think that's absolutely the right thing to do. What could he possibly gain be contacting somebody he really has feelings for, or had, who has clearly chosen NOT to make him a part of his life?

    I also HIGHLY doubt that she specifically meant to send the email to CE. Its likse sending out a myspace bulletin.....I have about 45 people that I want to see them, the rest of the people that get it, that's cool, but it wasn't neccessarily meant for them you know?

    I just think why re-open the wound.... they haven't talked in a long time, but he still thinks about her everyday.... I don't know if he really NEEDS to talk to her and go there again.

    Just my two cents.
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    Default Re: She's getting married

    Quote Originally Posted by Chicagoeditor View Post
    TOO, I'm wondering how you know the e-mail was an error.
    I said "it was unlikely to have been a mistake." I don't know anything for sure.

    This is a time of happiness for her, and I think the pain and angst are behind her. I believe she is sending out the invitation to everybody who has been important in her life, as many, many people do. Remember how excited she was to introduce you to the new guy? The pain was behind her then. Love has a way of blinding you to the potential hurt in others (sorry).

    The difference between my position and the others' is that I'm less concerned with how you feel now (temporary) and how you will feel five years from now and from that point on. It's a much longer stretch of time. I'm thinking in the long term.

    It feels like you've been looking for validation for your current feelings in this thread, and since I'm repeating myself at this point, I'll be quiet and let others comment.

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    Default Re: She's getting married

    i would ignore the email. but i know how you all feel about me and my opinions.

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    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    i would ignore the email. but i know how you all feel about me and my opinions.
    Umm, I like them
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    Default Re: She's getting married

    TOO, why 5 years? he said this was a few years ago that he had these feelings and didnt talk to her. so what makes you think 5 more is going to make a difference?

    fwiw, i have a guy who i called my best friend, we hooked up occasionally, and he got a gf. last i heard, he was thinking of marrying her. and i havent heard from him in nearly a year. in 5 years, i am NOT going to wish i had been at that wedding (if they actually do get married) or that he was still in my life or ANYTHING. because it's better and healthier for me to not have him in certain ways. even if he would be happy for me to be all thrilled for him yadda yadda yadda.. it's ok to be selfish sometimes.

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    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: She's getting married

    Flat out, the situation sounds immature to me because burying ones past versus coming to terms with it are two completely different things and maturities.
    Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
    Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

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