I'm so freaking tired of school. I have two midterms tomorrow and a paper to write that was due yesterday but I haven't written yet, and I'm sitting on the couch on Stripperweb and watching South Park. I just can't bring myself to study or care. I don't have the focus or attention span to read for my classes or memorize useless facts that I'll forget after the test anyway. I'm in my junior year of college and really the only reason I haven't dropped out yet is because it would break my parents' hearts, and after all of the money they've spent on my education I feel I owe it to them to finish and get my degree. I'm just so cynical about college degrees and education in general at this point. A B.A. just doesn't have the same kind of value or standing it did twenty years ago and yet we pay twice as much to get it. I'm majoring in something I'm interested in which basically means I'll be living in a box for the rest of my life if I actually pursue a career related to it.
What I really wanna do is continue stripping. I enjoy it and feel like I could it's something I could really make lucrative for myself if I pursued it in a bigger city.
I've never enjoyed school. I sit in my classrooms, usually exhausted and in a daze because I just got off a shift at the club four hours earlier, and I just stare in complete bewilderment at those students who sit there rapt with attention at the professor, soaking up the information like a sponge. That's so not me. I love to learn, but I like it on my own terms. If I'm interested in a topic, I will go get a book on it and read and absorb the information to my heart's content. But there are no deadlines, no papers to write, no exams, no pressure. I can learn at my own pace. My whole being just rebels against the institution that is college and the pressures and stresses involved in it.
I only have a year left. One year, and then I can be done. But it has gotten so fucking hard to push myself through. I have to physically force myself to attend classes, to do the readings. I can't focus, I just don't CARE. I find myself staring at the posters on my wall in my apartment because they are more interesting to me than my schoolwork. I think about my next shift at the club and my goals for the month. If I'm interested in an intellectual or academic subject, I will go to the bookstore or online and read up on it myself. I just hate being forced to do anything and school is all about requirements and forcing you to do work or else you just FAIL.
I don't know. I feel like maybe I need Adderall or something, just to get through this last year without flunking out.
Has/is anyone else going through this? I'm in such a slump and I don't know if I can get out of it.![]()



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