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Thread: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

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    Senior Member HuxandKisses's Avatar
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    Default Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    Hi all!

    So, after four stupid months of job searching, I have to go back to stripping in San Fran.

    Dont get me wrong, I am not complaining that I have to strip, I actually feel super-fortunate that I HAVE this option especially in this time of lay-off's and all that shit.

    However, now I have a boyfriend of 8 months. We are pretty close. We love each other LOTS. But It's my PERSONAL view that it's challenging to be a dancer and have a good relationship (after being in the dressing room and hearing girls on their cells arguing with their men, husbands etc it's no wonder I have that idea). He's told me he would "not be totally happy with it" but he understands I gotta do what I gotta do (single mom living in $ilicon Valley) and I let him know I would be a PG-13 dancer, but this was all said in the context of IF I HAD to go back, not along the lines "I AM going back"

    so, now, I'm getting back on the saddle YEEHAW and I plan to talk to him tomorrow night...what do I say besides the obvious? (obvious being: "I'm broke as shit, buried now in debt and sick of tailoring my resume to every fucking company out there and being NOT called back after several interviews GGGRRRRR)

    I want to let him know I wont be touching men, they wont be touching me...but should I avoid that topic altogether? Can those of you who are in relationships plus dancing give me advice on how you keep your men feeling ok about you dancing, or how you would approach this type of convo with him? OR, any input is appreciated.

    NOTE: if you are in a "loose-r" relationship, where you two dont mind the other being sexual with other people, then I'm not sure your advice would help, cause we are not totally "loose" like that. (I'm not trying to be demeaning here, either...I say "loose" for lack of a better term...) Although reading your POV's might help, somehow, hm.

    *sigh* I love dancing, a lot actually, but I am sad to think I may lose my wonderful man, thinking it may build up in his head after a couple months and it may cause him to be interested in other girls who ARENT dancers.
    Last edited by HuxandKisses; 05-05-2008 at 11:01 AM. Reason: clarification
    ~Love From Alexis

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    Featured Member london's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    Is it at all possible for you to seek out a cocktail waitress position at a happening nightspot or waitress at a high end restaurant? I think that would be something much easier for your guy to accept and a lot easier for you to ensure that your boundaries are not crossed. Sure, you can control what YOU allow, but you cannot say the same for a handsy customer. On the contrary, if men in a nightclub/restaurant get out of hand with staff, it is MUCH more likely they will be booted out and/or banned than at a strip club.

    Even if you assure him you will be an air dancer at a strip club, there is still the possiblity that you will need to vent every now and then about a guy who 'kept trying' to cross your boundaries or who you had to swat away and this will worry him if he has already voiced that he isn't thrilled about that prospect.

    Otherwise, you'd be faced with having to put up a front and deal with keeping your more stressful nights to yourself, which would not be in your best interests if you need to vent (which is only natural).
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    Veteran Member Genevive's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    I have a similar situation as you. My BF and I were a bit earlier in the relationship, but I was really concerned that he would not want to stay together with me dancing. He's pretty square and our relationship is not open. I talked to him about it after I was 100% sure I was going to go back to dancing, he knew that I danced before him and we'd also been friends for a year so he knew me and knew my personality.
    (I'm willing to bet that your bf knows your personality pretty well by now too.)

    Turns out that he totally understood that this was a financial move and because I'm a no-nonsense kind of woman. I am fortunate to have a secure man. Now, we live together so he sees me come home after work and sees I'm not doing shady things. I travel out of town to dance alot and he misses me, but we don't have any drama. Communication is key.

    I guess that's my roundabout way of saying don't anticipate a negative response from him. I don't think it will be necessary to discuss wether or not people will be touching you because that fosters insecurity and puts the cart before the horse. He's already indicated that he understands that right now in this economy, you need to dance, he saw you looking for jobs, he knows whats real. Unless you turn into miss-partygirl-different-than-you-were-before, he'll view it as just a job as long as you show him that.


    *When you talk to him about it, do it when you're both comfortable or on his turf. Don't give him the "we need to talk" because all he'll hear is "dun dun dun!"

    **And don't forget to bust out a costume on him every now and then. :wink:

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    Senior Member NipzncOOkiez's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    In my situation me going back to dancing didn't work out. I stopped dancing when we moved to California but then the money started getting tight and I asked him if he minded me dancing again a couple nights a week. He wasn't excited or happy about it but he said he would support my decision. So I started to dance again but after 2 months it just kind of put a strain on our relationship so I quit dancing. Some couples it might work out but in my case it didn't. Instead I got a job as a GO-GO dancer in L.A. a couple nights a week and also worked as a cocktail waitress. The money was obviously not as good but it made us both feel better. In Sept. I found out I was pregnant so I have been sitting on my butt and not working. Two months ago we moved to Colorado and after I have my daughter I will put up a pole in our house and start dancing in my house because I miss it so much. I know I'm not much help but I just wanted to write what happened with me so you can see all aspects of what might happen.
    Angelina

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    Banned i.breathe.in's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    ive never had a bad relationship because of my dancing. usually those girls always shouting at their men on the phone have bad relationships becuase of many other reasons.

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    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    I met my BF at work, and he is a straight laced banker, Monday through Friday, 9-5 kind of guy who would never cheat and would never put up with cheating. He is totally OK with me dancing because he trusts me and I work at a no contact club... and I'm a bit prudish.

    I agree with IBI, most of the screaming phone dressing room girls would be in relationships like that whether they were dancing or not. They're drama llamas.

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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    Quote Originally Posted by HuxandKisses View Post
    Hi all!

    So, after four stupid months of job searching, I have to go back to stripping in San Fran.



    I want to let him know I wont be touching men, they wont be touching me...but should I avoid that topic altogether? Can those of you who are in relationships plus dancing give me advice on how you keep your men feeling ok about you dancing, or how you would approach this type of convo with him? OR, any input is appreciated.
    If you want to work in a completely no touch environment, I would suggest you not go back to dancing in SF. If you've worked there before, I'm sure you know what I mean. The South Bay is very hands off, both ways. It would be a shame for one of your boyfriend's friends to wander into your club one night and see other ladies being touched, sitting on laps, etc and have him report back to your boyfriend that things aren't as you say they are, you know? Or you could just not bring up the touching subject. Maybe tell him that you worked in SF before and are comfortable and know how to enforce your boundaries and tell him to just trust you!!

    I am currently in a relationship and have been for close to 2 years. Boyfriend knew I was a stripper beforehand and has always been okay with it. He sees it as just a job (a fun one!!) and has never made an issue of it. We do not have a sexually open relationship and we don't cheat on each other. Stripping is just another way to earn money, as far as we are concerned.

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    Senior Member HuxandKisses's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    Thank you so much ladies! Your advice is priceless!

    I talked to him this morning...he's ok with it. He said if he starts to get uncomfortable he'll let me know.

    I do work in a no-touch environment, and we both roll our eyes at that, cause of course people still touch, but even before him I did not allow myself to be touched, shoulder-foot rubs being the exception, and I will be sure to let him know I'm not touchin NOTHIN and I'm not being fondled in any way...but in a way to not "put the cart before the horse..." How, I'm not sure, but I want him to know...

    and you're right about the girls arguing with their BF's...they were drama-type chicks makin big deals out of nothin, even at work.

    He knows I was working there for 4 months in the beggining of our dating relationship, he was ok then so he says He'd feel ok with it this time as long as I have a plan of action in regards to debt and school etc...

    which I do. Thanks again ladies! XOXOXO
    ~Love From Alexis

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    Senior Member HuxandKisses's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    Quote Originally Posted by Genevive View Post
    *When you talk to him about it, do it when you're both comfortable or on his turf. Don't give him the "we need to talk" because all he'll hear is "dun dun dun!"

    **And don't forget to bust out a costume on him every now and then. :wink:
    Such good advice! regarding the costume...I was thinking I should NOT show him what I wear, cause then he may think "Dam, other men get to enjoy her wearing THAT?!" so I was thinking to have my own private BF collection that I keep seperate from work...Opinions? Ideas?
    ~Love From Alexis

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    Featured Member exotica268's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    I remind my boyfriend that when I met him, I was dancing, and that he got into a relationship knowing that he was with a dancer. I also remind him how I pay for college, car, extra stuff that some people couldn't afford, etc, but ALSO have more time for him, other friends, family, studying, etc by dancing. The non-jealous type bfs usually don't like their gfs dancing b/c they feel they "deserve better" (of course, some just use this as an excuse when they are really jealous). I try to explain to him that I "have better" by dancing. I feel like I can do so much more and live a fuller life b/c I'm blessed w/an open mind and enough physical attractiveness that I can make a great deal of money in a short period of time.

    I also don't tell him about work. I say it was good/bad/okay period. He even said not to tell him anything else. So...sorta like ignorance is bliss.

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    Veteran Member Genevive's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    Glad to hear it worked out!

    I have seperate stuff for my man only. He gets first jollys on some costumes though. Once I dance in it, I see it as tainted and I can't wear it for him so that's why he gets first dibbs.

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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    i think a lot of bfs who don't like their girlfriend's dancing boils down to insecurity on their part... not all, but most....

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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    My boyfriend doesn't know that I dance because he's freaked out about the possibility of me being touched by another guy. I started waitressing instead of dancing b/c of this, and then quit alltogether when BF asked me to and said I didn't have to work... that he'd rather support me than deal with working in that environment.

    Wellllllll with wall street looking the way it is, bonuses aren't what they used to be and cash is dwindling. I don't want to go back, he doesn't want me to go back, but we both kinda know that it'll be the easiest way to pull ourselves out of this. I told him I'm going back as a waitress but instead I'm going to dance. I hate keeping the secret from him, but I honestly think that he'll be much happier when I'm making the extra $$ from being nekkid instead of serving drinks. I really didn't tell him I was dancing or waitressing, just said "Well, guess its time to go back to the club!"

    I think that being honest, and talking out any concerns instead of letting them stew and get worse is the best way to do it... nip any issues in the bud before they turn into huge problems. I wish I could be honest, but my boyfriend is the boisterous "DID YOU JUST TOUCH MY GIRL" kinda guy and I think at this point it'd cause wayyyyyy too many issues than just keeping my actual position a secret.

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    Senior Member HuxandKisses's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    Wow, Aubrey, you are brave...

    If my BF white-lied to me about somethin' like that (I am a "hands off my man" kind of GF...unless he does not tell them "hands off.." too, then I turn to HIM like "WTF if you likeother girls touching you then dont come to me like I'm gunna be your exclusive GF") I'd kick his ass to the curb.

    I hope things work out for you two though! Everyone is different...
    ~Love From Alexis

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    Senior Member HuxandKisses's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    *SIGH**

    I hate relationships...I wish I did not care about this shit. I hate girls trying to flirt with my man, girls who like to flirt with him piss me off....

    A reflection of my own stupid insecurity. GGGRRRR I must get over this...sorry to branch off topic
    ~Love From Alexis

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    Default Re: Dancing again - How to deal with my BF?

    Quote Originally Posted by HuxandKisses View Post
    Such good advice! regarding the costume...I was thinking I should NOT show him what I wear, cause then he may think "Dam, other men get to enjoy her wearing THAT?!" so I was thinking to have my own private BF collection that I keep seperate from work...Opinions? Ideas?
    I would have separate work/boyfriend lingerie stuff. For one thing, not all men find stripper clothes sexy. To a lot of men, stripper clothes look "costume-y" and a lot of men find bare feet or standard high heels sexier than the clear, plastic platform shoes. So I would wear for your boyfriend what HE thinks is sexy. Not what you wear for customers that is sexy (and standard at your club). Unless your boyfriend DOES find the same stuff sexy. One size does not fit all.

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