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    Default my boyfriend is scared

    (I tried sifting through old threads for advice, but I couldn't find any that applied... Sorry if this is old horse.)

    We had an argument that thwarted my attempt to start dancing this week. He has the typical complaints- whining about how stripclubs are "bad" places with dirty and crazy men who think i'm nothing but meat and trash, and that they'll follow and hurt me somehow. It makes him sick to think about me naked and grinding on strangers, displaying myself for other men to fantasize about.
    He thinks its naive that my friends and I think it's okay.

    To summarize- He thinks its a really "bad" environment, that there are "better" things to do, and he doesn't want to "share" me with other people.

    We tried to talk it out. I told him i still wanted to do it, but that I would think about it. As grating as it is to him, he's willing to try to understand- I recommended that he read some topics on Stripperweb.com to gain some insight about dancers as real and normal women, to see different sides of the topic, and he's also already asked around about talking to local strippers (who are friends) for advice.

    We went out on a date yesterday, and I can tell he's trying SO HARD to improve our relationship. He's been a lot sweeter and wanting to spend a lot of time with me, probably thinking that if i'm "happier" with him, I won't start this job. Obviously, i want to be happy together, but i also want to start this job.
    He is a good boyfriend, just a little square and stubborn around the edges sometimes... I'm not sure if "DUMP HIM" is the best solution here.

    I'm pretty confused about what my options are. I want to start working this upcoming week. Am I supposed to give him more time? Should I ask for a "break" so i can start with a peace of mind? Should i go Taoist and just totally ignore him and these "problems" and start anyway, letting things happen however? How can i know this problem is deep-seated and whether or not I should accept our differences and break-up for real? Do significant others typically start out iffy on accepting it, then turn out okay over time?

    Are there ANY better approaches to this issue?
    Last edited by lilymiaomiao; 05-10-2008 at 02:59 PM.

  2. #2
    ajbaer
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    Do NOT ignore this problem. Things will only get ugly, to put it mildly. You need to decide here if you want to dance, or if you want to be with him. His upset is probably not going to change. He may accept it for awhile and then become very bitter, OR he may accept it, see how happy you are (if you are with dancing) and be ok all together. You really need to feel him out. You gave him time to be alright with it, in my opinion he really should be ok with you trying it IF that's what you REALLY want to do. It also depends on your and his age. If you're quite young the likely hood that this is the man you're going to spend your life with is "the one". I would say dance if you want to. It's possible you won't even like it, but he should be willing to let you try it if he cares about you and you're happiness.
    Strip clubs CAN be dirty and horrid places to work if you don't research around and find a good club. Check a few out with him and find one that seems "nicer". Maybe he'll feel better about it.
    My fiance likes that I dance, but he wasn't comfortable with one club, and to ensure my safety and his sound thinking I switched clubs where we have high security, escort to your car and strict rules. Because of this he is OK. There's still nights when he worries about me, but he is very supportive, and this isn't a long term thing for me (this is my choice, not affected by him).
    So, to get back on topic. I would tell him your doing it, and if he's not OK with you at least trying it it's probably not going to work out in the long run with you two (I could be wrong here, as I don't know the terms of your relationship anyways). Best of luck, and keep us posted. In the meantime, read up and research. If you're going to dance, be smart about it.

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    God/dess Paris's Avatar
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    This is going to be a deal breaker for your relationship. Don't start dancing until you are ready to be done with the bf, because that will be the end of it.

    You might be mismatched anyway. It sounds like your values are different. When a couple holds different values, the chances of having a long relationship are small.

    Do some soul searching and decided what you find important and compare that to what he finds important. Those answers right there should open your eyes as to how successful the relationship has a chance at being.

    This is a pretty good test to see what your chances of having a successful relationship is.


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


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    Featured Member AznExtasy's Avatar
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    Don't let a man's desire for you hinder your own ambitions at your future. If you are dancing out of spite to him, well that's one thing. If you see dancing as a means of financial freedom and a better future, don't let a man hold you back.

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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    Quote Originally Posted by ajbaer View Post
    Do NOT ignore this problem. Things will only get ugly, to put it mildly. You need to decide here if you want to dance, or if you want to be with him. His upset is probably not going to change. He may accept it for awhile and then become very bitter, OR he may accept it, see how happy you are (if you are with dancing) and be ok all together. You really need to feel him out. You gave him time to be alright with it, in my opinion he really should be ok with you trying it IF that's what you REALLY want to do. It also depends on your and his age. If you're quite young the likely hood that this is the man you're going to spend your life with is "the one". I would say dance if you want to. It's possible you won't even like it, but he should be willing to let you try it if he cares about you and you're happiness.
    Strip clubs CAN be dirty and horrid places to work if you don't research around and find a good club. Check a few out with him and find one that seems "nicer". Maybe he'll feel better about it.
    My fiance likes that I dance, but he wasn't comfortable with one club, and to ensure my safety and his sound thinking I switched clubs where we have high security, escort to your car and strict rules. Because of this he is OK. There's still nights when he worries about me, but he is very supportive, and this isn't a long term thing for me (this is my choice, not affected by him).
    So, to get back on topic. I would tell him your doing it, and if he's not OK with you at least trying it it's probably not going to work out in the long run with you two (I could be wrong here, as I don't know the terms of your relationship anyways). Best of luck, and keep us posted. In the meantime, read up and research. If you're going to dance, be smart about it.
    Thanks, that's really helpful. Some of these ideas were floating around in my head, but i feel more realistic about verbalizing them to him, now that you've put them out there.

    I'll try again (not crying this time lol), and let you know how it goes

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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    Quote Originally Posted by Paris View Post
    You might be mismatched anyway. It sounds like your values are different. When a couple holds different values, the chances of having a long relationship are small.

    Do some soul searching and decided what you find important and compare that to what he finds important. Those answers right there should open your eyes as to how successful the relationship has a chance at being.
    That's EXACTLY what my godmother told me last year, when i was in a different relationship! The first thing she asked was "What are his values? Are they the same as yours?" and I thought she was being somewhat eccentric- like, branching off into a deeper issue too soon- but I'm starting to realize that it's really the basic qualification of a strong relationship.
    Seems like you already knew that! Haha I bet you have a couple of years on me, I'm pretty young.

    This is pretty heavy stuff- I don't think he knows himself, what he finds important. I asked him once, and he told me, "That's what life is for," etc. He'll be doing some thinking soon, though, I'm sure.

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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    Thanks, you girls give really great advice- so concise and well-articulated

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    Veteran Member hikaru's Avatar
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    If you really like to be dancer more than you love your boyfriend, then go for it. I just really think that if a guy loves you, he will understand and trust your decisions. My husband is ok with it because he knows I like what I'm doing. Please keep us updated

  9. #9
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    Quote Originally Posted by lilymiaomiao View Post
    This is pretty heavy stuff- I don't think he knows himself, what he finds important. I asked him once, and he told me, "That's what life is for," etc. He'll be doing some thinking soon, though, I'm sure.
    You're right -- working through this issue of dancing might actually strengthen your relationship and/or help you guys further define what you want. So as awful as it is to have disagreements, facing it/dealing with it can actually bring you a lot of good in the end.

    Good luck -- I really hope it works out for you!
    Last edited by Vivacious; 05-14-2008 at 06:25 PM.

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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    Why not try a trial period? Say, a month? Then you can sit down and reflect on how things are going, if it's something you truly enjoy doing (who knows maybe you'll hate it), and that way he has a "set period" in his mind that could maybe help him cope better. My husband and I are going through something similar (he's mainly worried about getting over his jealously, but is trying very hard to be cool about it and support me, and I am trying very hard to see it from his perspective), so we worked out a trial-period agreement to see how it goes.

    Keep us posted! Especially me it sounds like we're kind in the same boat

    - R

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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    ...................
    Last edited by E.Eve; 10-11-2008 at 11:33 AM.

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    Featured Member Sindi's Avatar
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    Serisouly a BF who is not happy with his GF or his ExGF dancing can be a major problem , they will pull things you never thought of


    He could show up and cause a scene and that can get you fired etc etc


    It can be really hard for the guys , they dont know what to think .....*hugs*
    Visit me on myspace , Let me know if your from SW !!!!

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    Member spacecadet's Avatar
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    I definitely agree with everyone else..... don't ignore the issue. if you do, it will blow up in your face (happened to me).

    My bf at the time was in the military, and tried to make me swear deathly oaths & promises that I'd stay out of the clubs when he wasn't around. I did, for a while, but eventually it drove me crazy. I was bored out of my mind. Him controlling my dancing turned into him trying to control the rest of my life..... long story short, it didn't work out.

    Be honest, and be very open. good luck!

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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    I'm a big all-or-nothing girl. If this is what you want to do, and you do it as safely as possible, and you aren't being visibly hurt by stripping, then he should support you, dammit!

    If he cares enough about you, then your curiousities, desires, and interests should be meaningful enough to him to let you go through with this.

    There is nothing wrong with stripping. There are a hell of a lot of things wrong with some strippers (just like in the 'normal' population). But if you're a grounded girl (not stripping for drug money, etc), and you want to get your dance on, then he should support you.

    I really can't imagine anyone who wouldn't support this decision. Zero tolerance. I mean, sure, you can be syrupy about leading him through the process of starting to strip (I'm not saying you should be like "TAKE ALL OF ME OR LEAVE, MUTHERFUCKER!"), but you should still go through with it. Work it.

    Otherwise you'll spend a hell of a lot of time wishing you'd tried it back when you were hot enough to actually feel comfortable doing it.

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    Member Renegade's Avatar
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    AMEN!!!

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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    An update:

    We talked again! This time he didn't yell, and I didn't cry- BIG SUCCESS.

    After pooling all the advice I got and thinking it over, I figured that it boiled down to "Take it or leave it". I have to do what I want. People should find partners who love them, of course, but they should also be comfortable with themselves, and what they do.
    A) I don't want to be with anyone who hates my thoughts and/or actions.
    B) If someone can't stand me, then they should stop seeing me, because i can't stop being... me.

    That said, whether or not we keep seeing other depends on how much it bothers him.

    Well, we didn't have too much of a crunch, because he started out by saying that he thought it over, and he was ok with it (though he wasn't happy, and he said some things would change). The "compromise" was that we might "open up" our relationship a little... This part kind of confused me, but I won't overthink what hasn't even happened yet. It seems like he might be re-defining his comfort levels by either
    A) retracting his emotional range (less attached means less jealousy) or
    B) expanding his physical/sexual 'rights' (so we're more "even")

    I agreed to it. Even though i am wary (it doesn't exactly feel more "balanced"), I'm sure he feels pretty uncomfortable too- and I'm just grateful that he's giving me slack for trying it- Everything is always changing, and things will settle later (we'll either grow closer, or further apart), but transition periods can be really hard.

    He made me feel a lot better by staying calm (and saying it was OK), and he made me some breakfast the next day, so sweet!


    Thanks everyone, for your input! I'll let you know how the rest of it goes.
    Last edited by lilymiaomiao; 05-15-2008 at 03:23 AM.

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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    Quote Originally Posted by Renegade View Post
    Why not try a trial period? Say, a month? Then you can sit down and reflect on how things are going, if it's something you truly enjoy doing (who knows maybe you'll hate it), and that way he has a "set period" in his mind that could maybe help him cope better. My husband and I are going through something similar (he's mainly worried about getting over his jealously, but is trying very hard to be cool about it and support me, and I am trying very hard to see it from his perspective), so we worked out a trial-period agreement to see how it goes.

    Keep us posted! Especially me it sounds like we're kind in the same boat

    - R
    Though we didn't call it a "trial period," in my mind, it is one. Haha I guess i can't speak for him, but at least I myself will extra-sensitive about the near future...


    It seems like a couple other people have similar situations (including one of my coworkers).
    I realize we can give each other some pointers about how to think or act, but there's only so much generic advice to remember, since a lot depends on the 'other person' specifically, and how they will personally react.

    I'd like to hear about how it goes with you, as well! Update when you can!

  18. #18
    Senior Member snaz75's Avatar
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    I have dated a few dancers, one for several years and it all comes down to trust. If he doesn't trust you it doesn’t matter where you work, the relationship will not work.
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    It depends on what his real concern is. If his concern is the safety factor, that can usually be overcome by just going with him to a good club and giving him a chance to see that it's not as dangerous as he fears (i.e., good bouncers, getting walked out at the end of the night, etc.). It sounds, though, like his real problem is the jealousy factor, and I'm sorry to say that's not likely to change. So it sounds as though you have a choice to make. You can either: A)Stay with him and don't dance, B)Dump him and dance, or C)Stay with him and dance, KNOWING that he may dump you because he can't deal with it, or that you may have to dump him because he treats you badly because of your job.

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  20. #20
    made_of_sequins
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    wait, so his "compromise" was that if he allowed you to dance, he'd get an open relationship and get to fuck whoever he wanted? This sounds *ridiculously* manipulative! Watch out...it sounds like he's going to use dancing as a guilt trip to get whatever he wants from you and control you. He's already started by saying "if I let you dance, I get to fuck other girls." Every time you have a disagreement, he'll come up with "I'm letting you dance, so in return you need to do X Y and Z"...could you really live with that?

    His idea of a compromise is a HUGE red flag. I'd run and not look back.

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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    I'll give you my thoughts from a male perspective and also as one who lives with and is in a relationship with a stripper.

    First, I think that a high majority of males would be uncomfortable with their gf or s-o stripping. Many see it as just selling sex, even though you and others may see it as something totally different. When a bf or s-o sees it as being that, it's damn hard for him to wrap his mind and his emotions around it any other way and unless he has an extremely liberal viewpoint concerning sexuality and morality then the sharing of yourself and body to others can be damn threatening to him. It takes a man with a solid ego and grounded sense of self to have it be anything other than threatening to him. Even though you may want to strip for many other reasons..money, the social aspect, improving your self image, etc., in his mind the sexual threat trumps all of the positive reasons.

    Trust can be an issue too and I'm not talking about trust between you and him. His apprehension about the enviroment you'll be dancing in is not completely out of line. Of course there are the true gentlemen and ones respectful of dancers in clubs, but on the other hand there are also many who do think of strippers as just a pieces of meat, sluts etc. A word of caution here too...even the "gentlemen" and ones with class will take as much as you're willing to give and often politely urge you to give more.
    Think about it..you're asking him to trust a whole shitload of people he doesn't know from adam.. male customers, club management, bouncers, etc. I can't say as I blame him for not giving his trust that easily. I'm certain he probably has trust in you and wants to trust that you'll handle it all well but given the stigma attached to stripping, it's probably tough for him to do.

    So, I doubt it's not you that he doesn't trust but other men. It's also perfectly normal as a male for him to be protective of you as well as not want to share you with others in the way your asking him to. It's ingrained in most men's nature to do so.
    Speaking with first person experience, I know it requires a will of iron to not let my gf's dancing get to me at times. I have extremly liberal morals, a strong sense of self and I trust her fully and enjoy the money she makes as well as her having more time to spend with me (she only dances pt). But even with all of that I have to emotionally detach from it all once in a while.

    I'm sure you've talked with him, given him good reasons for you wanting to dance and assured him it's just another "job" and that you'll be safe, etc. Other than that there's not really much else you can do. As another poster on this thread said... all other things aside, if your values don't coincide with his or viceversa then maybe you both need to move on if dancing is always gonna be a point of contention.

    Good luck with it all!!!!

  22. #22
    Member Renegade's Avatar
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    I'd like to hear about how it goes with you, as well! Update when you can!
    So, it's over. I commend my husband for trying to be as cool and supportive as possible, but it has become clear to me that the underlying tension and friction in our relationship is not worth it any longer. There are a lot of factors that play into this decision, but that is the most important one. I have too much respect for the health of my marriage and the sanity of my spouse.

    Am I disappointed? Sure. Will I get over it? Absolutely.

    Just so you guys know, I think you are AMAZING, and I have read some of the funniest, bittersweet, empowering shit EVER on here, and I'm glad I found this place. Go get 'em, girls...I'll be rooting from the rack.

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    Featured Member Sunshine73's Avatar
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    Quote Originally Posted by lilymiaomiao View Post
    To summarize- He thinks its a really "bad" environment, that there are "better" things to do, and he doesn't want to "share" me with other people. ..

    We went out on a date yesterday, and I can tell he's trying SO HARD to improve our relationship. He's been a lot sweeter and wanting to spend a lot of time with me, probably thinking that if i'm "happier" with him, I won't start this job. Obviously, i want to be happy together, but i also want to start this job.
    He is a good boyfriend, just a little square and stubborn around the edges sometimes... I'm not sure if "DUMP HIM" is the best solution here.
    Your boyfriend is terribly, TERRIBLY insecure about you dancing. In his mind, he fears that you will probably find someone richer/more handsome/etc. and once this happens you will up and leave him. That is probably why he is trying to discourage you, and that is also probably why he is being so sweet. He's scared shitless of you dancing because he is afraid of losing you.

    If your relationship is strong enough, dancing should not be a problem for you guys.

    His insecurity is a red flag to me. Why does he feel so insecure?

    I think that you should do what you want to do. If you want to dance, then dance. In a secure, strong relationship, this should not be an issue.

    Good luck my dear.
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    Featured Member Sunshine73's Avatar
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    Default Re: my boyfriend is scared

    Quote Originally Posted by lilymiaomiao View Post
    ...and he made me some breakfast the next day, so sweet!
    Yep. He's afraid of losing you.

    It's good he is letting you try it. He's putting his trust in you.

    I know it can't be easy for a guy to let his girlfriend strip, because in his mind he probabaly fears that he is not enough for you. (Is there any truth to this?)

    Whatever you do, please be true to yourself and be truthful to him.
    Quote Originally Posted by Picaresque View Post
    Maria Callas said it best: "When my critics stop hissing, I shall know I'm slipping."

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    Featured Member Sunshine73's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by made_of_sequins View Post
    wait, so his "compromise" was that if he allowed you to dance, he'd get an open relationship and get to fuck whoever he wanted? This sounds *ridiculously* manipulative! Watch out...it sounds like he's going to use dancing as a guilt trip to get whatever he wants from you and control you. He's already started by saying "if I let you dance, I get to fuck other girls." Every time you have a disagreement, he'll come up with "I'm letting you dance, so in return you need to do X Y and Z"...could you really live with that?

    His idea of a compromise is a HUGE red flag. I'd run and not look back.
    Quote Originally Posted by Picaresque View Post
    Maria Callas said it best: "When my critics stop hissing, I shall know I'm slipping."

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