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Thread: Is it awful to try dancing out for a few nights and not tell bf right?

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Is it awful to try dancing out for a few nights and not tell bf right?

    Brief background :
    -I haven't even danced a full weekend yet ( I have just over-researched the whole thing and have been running around auditioning everywhere sometimes staying to work a bit if they let me) .
    - I only would dance out of my home state.
    - I'm a college grad / career gal who is just burnt out on what I'm currently doing. Dancing would give me a break here and there . I only want to dance 4-5 nights a month.

    We have been together 5 years . I've traveled for my day job for 4 . I just don't want him to know because I'm worried we might get in a fight sometime and he will tell my family. I feel like it kind of his right to know because with the nakedness and all he should have a say. I also feel like it's my body. I might not even like it , so I want to at least dance a few full nights to see if I do ( and see if it really can be profitable for me .... I keep getting scared off by thread about strippers not making good money anymore ... like less than $300 a night averages ) .

    I feel like I've been deceitfull enough by not mentioning my auditions/few night worked. I have a sales and marketing background so I think I'd do ok $ wise once I find a club, but the only way to know is to try.

    I've worked in an SC before and my family knew , but I was a waitress. They assume now that I have a career that I'm over the whole thing , but I'm tired , and I'm still curious about dancing.

    Oh yeah .... and the relationship might end anyway ( lack of a shared vision about the future basically ) . He is a great guy, but I am eager to do some large scale stuff ( extended international travel is the biggie , wanting to live out of Utah or at least out of the suburbs / into downtown is another ).
    Last edited by carmen_b; 05-20-2008 at 06:24 PM.

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    Default Re: It's just awful to not tell your boyfriend that you dance right ?

    My boyfriend doesn't know I dance. Sometimes it's just easier b/c you know they wouldn't completely understand. Its very hard, and I think its wrong, but I'd honestly at the moment rather be wrong and supporting myself on my terms than doing what I was doing- working a job that paid $8 an hour, STILL not being able to afford my rent, being stressed out all of the time, etc.

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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: It's just awful to not tell your boyfriend that you dance right ?

    IMO and it's only an opinion you should try it out for a bit without telling him. But if u plan to do it after that u really either need to tell him or leave him coz yeh it's not really very fair. You would want to know if he was doing it right? Plus it will be way worse if he finds out some other way - happened to a girl I work with.

    If the relationship is going to end then maybe end it before u start. Men can be bitter and he possibly would use it against u and tell your family just to hurt you.

    You are right about it being your body tho. If u really want to dance do it. Im glad I did. My bf didn't want me to but I did anyway. Im glad I made that decision. We are still together coz he came to accept it (aka put up with it).
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
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    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: It's just awful to not tell your boyfriend that you dance right ?

    Aubreyy :

    Whew... I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I wasn't going to post this thread. I feel like I've come across pretty well on the board and was worried this one was going to make me look awful.

    I need to add also:
    Dancing fits perfectly into my schedule. For my day job I have these high paying jobs that take about 1-2 weeks to complete ( I aften have to travel to start them ) . So ..... if I get really really consistent work then I'd be set. My income would be awesome. But .... sometimes I'll go a week without working . These weeks where I don't work turn what could be a killer income into just average because there are too many holes in my schedule. Dancing is about the only thing I can of ( that I'm comfortable with / isn't illegal ) that pays well and has a really flexible schedule. I've also just wanted to do it forever, and literally am going to have to do to regain some much needed focus on my day job. I have goals such as : more money into retirement , moving to a better area, and some extended travel that need funding.

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    Banned i.breathe.in's Avatar
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    Default Re: It's just awful to not tell your boyfriend that you dance right ?

    i guess im on the opposite end of opinions...

    if you have been with him for that long, wouldnt you think there is an honesty and trust factor there? if he trusts you he wont care, if he is secure in himself he wont care. tell him your just giving it a try right now and seeing if its working for you. but then again since you never bothered telling him in the beginning that you had an interest in it, hes prolly going to be peeved that you never told him at the start of your interest, but then thats your bad.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: It's just awful to not tell your boyfriend that you dance right ?

    Oh , he knows I have an interest in it . I have a pole and he has received shows. Stripperweb and various stripper blogs ( Lenas, Avalons, Susans ) are always open on the computer at his house.

    He's not computer savvy , so I'm not too worried about him seeing the SW stuff, but I'm am going to make sure to only check SW at my place now.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 05-17-2008 at 11:40 AM.

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    Featured Member Starfire's Avatar
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    Default Re: It's just awful to not tell your boyfriend that you dance right ?

    Here's what I think-maybe it would be ok to try it out without telling him, to make sure you like it, but if you decide to dance, I think you should tell him. Dancing without telling your partner is pretty deceitful- I know I wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed. plus I don't understand how you would be able to keep it from him anyways... i mean, when customers ask me- oh does your boyfriend know you work here? I'm like....no he thinks I go out for groceries between 8-2 four nights a week. (I know you would be working on a less consistent basis, but still it would be better for you to tell him then for him to just find out somehow.)

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    Featured Member CuriousSeeker's Avatar
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    Default Re: It's just awful to not tell your boyfriend that you dance right ?

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    and the relationship might end anyway ( lack of a shared vision about the future basically ) .
    This says a lot. Are you sure the main issue here is about dancing? It sounds like dancing might be a litmus test for the future of your relationship in some ways?

    Why not try it and see if you like it and your income? Then you can decide what to do with disclosure. I mean, if you hate it and never want any part of it, then there's nothing to disclose, right?

    Would he tell your family as a way to spite or control you? I'd worry about partnering with someone who's going to pull a harmful stunt like that. A relationship requires risks in trust, and you'll likely have a fight sometime . . . but it sounds like it could be used against you badly.
    "Don't piss off a motivated stripper."


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    Default Re: It's just awful to not tell your boyfriend that you dance right ?

    Very short guy opinion here...if you're not with someone you can tell/trust/talk to, no matter what you may be disagreeing about, you're not with "the one". Open communication is one of the basic elements of a good LTR.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: It's just awful to not tell your boyfriend that you dance right ?

    ^ I'm all about open communication. I just don't want to deal with the .02 percent chance that he could let it slip to my family since I haven't even worked a few full shifts yet.

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    Default Re: It's just awful to not tell your boyfriend that you dance right ?

    I don't get how you can be with someone that long and him not find out(if he doesn't eventually catch on). Seriously, like wouldn't you want to tell him every detail about this new thing that you are so excited about?Shit, when I am on a diet and my man asks me something simple like hey what did you eat today? I tell him if I ate a burrito at taco bell (i know that sounds stupid, but I would even feel guilty lying about that). My husband and are best friends and that's how it should be.

    I think you should tell him. You aren't doing anything wrong by dancing but, you are by lying. How would you feel if your boyfriend was leading another life behind your back ? That's a big part of your life to leave him out if and it's disrespectful not to even allow him to react to it by not telling him about it. I worry about my family finding out too, but I trust my husband to respect my wishes not to tell them. Good luck whatever you choose to do.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it awful to try dancing out and not tell bf ?

    ^ Mean : Good point. I would love to share details (some of them anyway).

    He gets to see my new pole tricks , but he thinks it's just for fun/fitness, not profit.

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    Default Re: Is it awful to try dancing out and not tell bf ?

    ok, it IS awful to not tell your BF, but even though i know its awful i'm still considering doing it. i know tehre is no way on earth he would agree with the decision so i just want to try it out and not tell him. he loves me too much to leave me but i know he'd just be a complete ass about it and i don't have the patience for that

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    Default Re: Is it awful to try dancing out and not tell bf ?

    ^^
    I had to pyut up with mnths of my bf being an ass about me starting dancing. I have been doing it now for about 18 months and he is ok with it now. But there is no denying it's hard for boyfriends to know their girlfriend is stripping.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it awful to try dancing out and not tell bf ?

    I guess I've probably eased him in with the home pole. He certainly must have some clue.

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    Default Re: Is it awful to try dancing out and not tell bf ?

    I guess my concern is the part where you've been together for years and yet you worry he would tell your parents if you had a fight. Is that something he's done before? Go talk trash to your parents when he's angry with you? Because regardless of your job that's bad behavior.

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    Default Re: Is it awful to try dancing out and not tell bf ?

    I couldn't do it, but that's just me. It's bad enough lying to my family. I couldn't imagine buying new outfits and shoes, but not being able to take them in the house because he will see them, or having to be sneaky about washing clothes, not being able to talk about work..That's too much deceit for me and it's with someone that's supposed to be your partner, you know?
    Last edited by virgoamm; 05-18-2008 at 10:55 AM.

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    Default Re: Is it awful to try dancing out and not tell bf ?

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    I guess I've probably eased him in with the home pole. He certainly must have some clue.
    I doubt that very much. I was pole dancing in competitions before I ever started dancing. My bf loved watching my pole dance on the home pole and in competitions - he was so proud. But when it came to dancing naked for strange men, no, nothing prepared him for that.

    Live your life for you.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

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    Default Re: It's just awful to not tell your boyfriend that you dance right ?

    Quote Originally Posted by Starfire View Post
    when customers ask me- oh does your boyfriend know you work here? I'm like....no he thinks I go out for groceries between 8-2 four nights a week.
    best line ever!

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it awful to try dancing out for a few nights and not tell bf right?

    ^ It would be nice to share things. It's definitely stressful. At this point I've worked so little that there really isn't anything awesome to share. I'm so busy with my day gig that I don't want to have to tutor him on whats reality and whats myth in SC's.

    This is the tip of our problems. Maybe I'll get into it with another thread or maybe I'll be single soon anyway.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it awful to try dancing out for a few nights and not tell bf right?

    UPDATE :

    Brought up the idea last night. I started out with a " So , how much do you think dancers average a night ? " question followed by a " I think it might be fun to try for a night " statement. He didn't seem to eager to discuss anything. He was basically just " Do what you want" . He was really being a dick this morning and said he was really ready to part now .... which for us doesn't mean anything unless it's followed through by action. We have parted for a day or two 4-5 times before until one of us calls the other one.

    I don't really care either way. I want to try it, but if he isn't ok with it ( and we are together ) , I'll just hustle at my day gig harder.

    I think we definitely might be done ( which is fine ..... I'm so starved for kissing and making out that I just don't care anymore .... our physical life has disolved into him just being grabby and me shutting him down ... so the dancing is just one minor part of what's wrong ).

    To be honest, I think I was sort of using dancing as a way to feel sexy again even. I think me bringing it up just confirmed in his eyes that I'm crazy and not capable of being normal.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 05-21-2008 at 10:02 AM.

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    Banned i.breathe.in's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it awful to try dancing out for a few nights and not tell bf right?

    bleh leave him and find someone better, and dance. sounds win/win to me.

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    Default Re: Is it awful to try dancing out for a few nights and not tell bf right?

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    I think we definitely might be done ( which is fine ..... I'm so starved for kissing and making out that I just don't care anymore .... our physical like has disolved into him just being grabby and me shutting him down ... so the dancing is just one minor part of what's wrong ). To be honest, I think I was sort of using dancing as a way to feel sexy again even.
    That doesn't sound good at all. I honestly think you'd be happier with someone else. Good luck babe.

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    Default Re: Is it awful to try dancing out for a few nights and not tell bf right?

    My boyfriend didn't know I started dancing until one night I broke down and admitted it. It had been a few months, and he thought I was still waitressing/bartending/and being a shot girl since those were my hats in the club up until I finally got naked. I remember I was so afraid to admit it to him, he has dated strippers before, not a big deal. Maybe 'dated' isn't the right word... he used to spend lots of time in the clubs and he was a manwhore. Anyways, he had changed his ways when we started dating, and I didn't want him to see me like he saw the girls he used to talk about when we were just friends. But when I finally admitted it through sobbing and horrifically runny nose due to all the crying, he looked sad, but he told me he knew I did it for us (we were going through financial hardship). He told me he wanted me to stop, but he wasn't mad, and it was the biggest relief. I did sort of stop, I started waitressing again and only dancing a few weekends a month, but he was actually really supportive.
    If you care about your man AND you care about dancing, you can't keep the secret for too long.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it awful to try dancing out for a few nights and not tell bf right?

    ^ We are talking openly about it now. He is mad because he thinks this is a sign that I must not have my shit together financially and he knows that I do ( or did ..... I've been exhaused lately and haven't been working enough .... when you freelance at day job you have to work consistently just like dancing and I need to either hit day job harder or dance and not just talk about it ).

    I'm dropping it for now ( not the desire to dance , but the conversations with him about it ) and am just going to hustle hard at my other gig a week or two.

    I feel like I'm giving up an awesome oppurtunity by not dancing, but if he isn't comfortable with it and it brings a ton of extra stress ( and the $ might not be great as a newbie ) , then maybe it doesn't balance out and I should just stick to my day gig. It doesn't suck. I just wanted a fun change and a way to make the same ( or better ) money with flexible hours. The goal of dancing wasn't to quit my dayjob, but just to fill in the holes my schedule when I don't have a day job project and simply get the desire to do it out of my system.

    I have a strong sales/marketing background, so I thought it would be awesome to put it to work. There is only one way to find out if my sales skills could be easily tranfered .... and ..... here we are back to him not being comfortable with it ( yet ) .
    Last edited by carmen_b; 05-23-2008 at 11:28 AM.

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