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Thread: I suck at relationships....

  1. #1
    Callyish
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    Default I suck at relationships....

    You know its about fucking time my life has come together lol. I have the most amazing man ever in my life. He treats me so well, he makes me smile, makes me laugh, cuddles me and loves me and hes just so perfect. The problem is me damnit Whenever I get upset about something I approach him with it in a very defensive manner. I cant just calmly say 'this is bugging me and this is how we're going to fix it'. I go 'this is pissing me off...' and then let it lead into a big argument. We don't fight... we just bicker then I say some smart ass comment thats basically a guilt trip then it pisses him off. I don't mean to do it... I really truly don't. Yet for some reason when things don't go my way I guilt trip him and freak out and it gets him angry. He doesn't do anything wrong, hes so fucking awesome and how he puts up with me I don't know. Im trying to get better... i've been catching myself. Yet it still happens. It really upsets him too because he feels like hes the bad person and hes not. This really truly is all me. I guess I just needed to vent.... I don't know what to do with myself... I don't want to lose him because of my crappy guilt trips. I think the problem is im so used to having to defend myself against a man. C is the first guy i've been with who I don't need to be defensive with yet I still do it because I don't know how to handle the fact hes so calm and cool about everything and if he does something wrong he wants to know so he can fix it. I swear to god this man is one in a million Yea umm... I wrote this post in paragraphs and for some reason it wont post that way

  2. #2
    Featured Member Sindi's Avatar
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    Default Re: I suck at relationships....

    omgosh *hugs* baby !!!

    I am crazy too .....couples therapy maybe ??
    Visit me on myspace , Let me know if your from SW !!!!

  3. #3
    God/dess TheTempest's Avatar
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    Default Re: I suck at relationships....

    OMG I had the same problem! After a while you're so used to being with people who react negatively to what you say so you approach it defensively. I think it comes from dating losers, which every girl must have done at least once in her life.

    I think it might help if you just figure out what's really bothering you before you approach him and maybe try to ask his advice or try to think up ways to fix the problem together. It's almost as if you sound like you're preparing yourself for a fight, so that's what you get. I'm not saying it's intentional, it's almost inate nature after a while.

    When I started seeing my FB, I would freak out on him because I was used to having someone who would turn every little thing that I said into a huge argument where he'd scream at me for hours. I was literally waiting for the FB to start abusing me to, so I'd pick fights with him and say I never wanted to see him again because I was scared.

    You really care about this guy, honey. You can totally work it out.

  4. #4
    Callyish
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    Default Re: I suck at relationships....

    Nah couples therapy is for when both parties are messing up. Plus I really can't see C wanting to do that lol. I just need to relax and take things as they go. C is a very calm cool and collected person and he has his shit together. Really hes so smart and driven and hes so great at defusing situations. Like when he gets upset at me for guilt tripping him I start crying and getting mad at myself and he cracks some joke and kicks my ass into line and things are good again. I just don't know how much longer he will want to put up with it.

    Mind you at the same time he even said himself when we look at the big picture we have nothing major that will hurt our relationship. Its just minor things that most couples deal with. We don't really fight, we just have a bicker here and there and life is good. Fuck I love him so damn much...

  5. #5
    Callyish
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    Default Re: I suck at relationships....

    Quote Originally Posted by TheTempest View Post
    OMG I had the same problem! After a while you're so used to being with people who react negatively to what you say so you approach it defensively. I think it comes from dating losers, which every girl must have done at least once in her life.

    I think it might help if you just figure out what's really bothering you before you approach him and maybe try to ask his advice or try to think up ways to fix the problem together. It's almost as if you sound like you're preparing yourself for a fight, so that's what you get. I'm not saying it's intentional, it's almost inate nature after a while.

    When I started seeing my FB, I would freak out on him because I was used to having someone who would turn every little thing that I said into a huge argument where he'd scream at me for hours. I was literally waiting for the FB to start abusing me to, so I'd pick fights with him and say I never wanted to see him again because I was scared.

    You really care about this guy, honey. You can totally work it out.
    Ahaha this is exactly what I do!!! I go into it looking for a fight because thats what im used to. Im not used to having a guy who doesn't abuse me and doesn't want the fight. Im starting to get better. The other issue though is when things don't go my way... I freak out and guilt trip him. Why I do this I don't know.... though he keeps pointing it out to me so im catching myself now and getting better. Our main issue is I work 6 days a week, noon till 2am(ish) and he works nights. His days off are during the week and mine is Sunday so we don't often get quality time together other then a couple hours of cuddling and sex and watching tv at the end of the night. Its something we're working on fixing. Im trying to switch my schedule a bit so that we can get more time together. Hes starting a new job at the end of the month so hopefully with any luck his schedule will be a bit better for us to have time together. Then hopefully my guilt trips when he wants to do stuff with his buddies will stop lol.

  6. #6
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: I suck at relationships....

    Maybe let him read what you've written in this thread, and then ask him what he thinks about it.

    Then brainstorm ways to combat it.

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    God/dess TheTempest's Avatar
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    Default Re: I suck at relationships....

    It's so rough when you and your partner have conflicting schedules. Very stressful.

    It really sounds like you know what you, personally, have to work on. It's weird to date someone who's not an asshole, and it can be kind of scary. It's like you're sorta waiting for the other shoe to drop. But you can get past that.

    You're totally not bad at relationships. Silly Canadian.

  8. #8
    Callyish
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    Default Re: I suck at relationships....

    LoL Tempest.... yea the schedules thing sucks. Its funny though he thinks laying in bed is quality time and to me quality time is going out and doing something outside of the bedroom and work. He said he understands this and we're willing to work on it. Today we went out for lunch and went for a walk down at The Forks(a park area along the water) and I came home feeling very content and happy and I think hes seeing how this makes a big difference for me. I need to get outside and get fresh air once n awhile lol.

    We had a bit of a spiff yesterday and I told him everything i've said in this thread already so he knows... I think its hard for him to understand though lol. Hes trying and im trying... I think I just really needed to vent about it because my own sillynes is pissing me off.

  9. #9
    God/dess TheTempest's Avatar
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    Default Re: I suck at relationships....

    Cally, I feel you! I know exactly what you mean. It's frustrating to feel a certain way even though you sort of know you shouldn't... sometimes if you've had a lot of bad relationships, you try and sabotage the good ones. You just have to stay patient with him, show him how much he means to you, and tell yourself you deserve to be happy damn it!

    He sounds really good for you. Just try to relax and get lots of good sexin' done. That's great for stress relief y'know?


  10. #10
    Veteran Member StuartL's Avatar
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    Default Re: I suck at relationships....

    I have had a relationship with a girl who behaved like this. It certainly is very difficult to maintain long-term. We didn't manage it...

    Mine was with a lawyer. She was hot - and knew it. Exotic and knew it. Very intelligent, spoke 4 languages perfectly - damn her - and from a wealthy family. In other words, she was very high maintenance and picked fights with me every other day - as a minimum.

    The funny thing is that I haven't had an argument in months, I never have them because I am very level headed and let things blow over. But with her, it was non-stop friction.

    At the time, I didn't understand what was going on. So after we split, I started reading books about psychology, female psychology and relationships so that I could try and figure this out.

    I would suggest that you get a book or two by Carl Jung. Or find a summary of his work on arch types. It'll make it much easier for you to understand yourself and see your behaviour from the outside looking in. It is called 'observing ego'. Seeing what you do in real-time so that you can stop it if appropriate.

    From my part, I realised that being South American, she only really respected men that were incredibly dominant and would argue and fight with her at will. I didn't realise it at the time, but whenever we fought - she was trying to make me win her again. This is a very tough way to live - especially if you don't realise it.

    You are probably very independent and want your guy to be even more independent than you are - so that he takes the traditional male role of leading. But when you make the smart ass coments - as you put it in your first post - you are belittling him. You are asserting your dominance when that is probably the opposite of what you really want.

    But if you aren't very careful, soon enough this will be one smart ass remark too many and he'll leave.

    Unless you happen to be not only attractive, but also the world's best shag!!!

    If any of what I have said strikes a chord, you'll need to find a way of being less emotionally driven. If you want to keep him, you'll need to do the internal work to understand and control yourself.

    I'm not going to apologise for all the assumptions I have just made, but I can clearly see the similarities. I hope that something I have just said helps.

    However, there is a downside to all this. Since I have done all this reading, I am very selective about girls I am willing to ask out / date. To the extent that my standards have raised so much that I have not had a relationship in ages. I can quickly spot destructive charachter traits and I avoid them. Every silver lining...

  11. #11
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: I suck at relationships....

    I didn't say it before, but I wanted to say like Tempest said, I too have this problem where I'm on the defense because of past shitty relationships. It sucks. Luckily I found a man willing to do the work to work through it with me, and he even married me! It sucks because you know what you're doing when you do it, and you really want to stop hurting the guy, but you can't. You're so used to getting defensive that it's almost like Defensive Autopilot!

    It sounds like C is just what you need to work through this. Even if something should happen to this relationship down the road, it sounds to me like he will have taught you a lot and given you the help you need.

    And Stuart, that was a good post.

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    Default Re: I suck at relationships....

    Quote Originally Posted by Callyish View Post
    Nah couples therapy is for when both parties are messing up.
    Actually couples therapy is for when both parties want to improve their relationship. Even if most of the work needs to be done by you, involving your partner and allowing him to understand why you do the things you do will enable him to help you make change. He sounds like a prince of a guy and would probably gladly sit through a few counseling sessions in exchange for having the love he deserves from the woman he loves.

  13. #13
    Veteran Member StuartL's Avatar
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    Default Re: I suck at relationships....

    Quote Originally Posted by BrunetteGoddess View Post
    And Stuart, that was a good post.
    Thanks.

    I am always a little wary of posting things like that here. I often get the impression that anyone posting anything less than, "You are hot and should be worshipped" can cause all sorts of fuss. Often unintentionally.

    But, none of us is perfect and we all need to work to improve ourselves. Me too. Ha! Me probably more than most...

    But if you find a nice guy and are prepared to do some of this inner work, I'm sure he'll stick by you.

    The girl I mentioned above wouldn't have. She was perfect - she told me so most days!! What room for change do you have with an attitude like that? So I left - it was that or my sanity.

    Something that isn't often discussed here - because of the gender bias of the site - is that good guys are hard to find. The ladies on this site might mostly be super-hot and have guys approach them all day every day, but the reality is that the % of those guys that could actually handle you, is very small.

    Most men may like the idea of dating a dancer, but the reality of having your girlfriend dance semi-naked for dozens of men each night is a lot different. Few could cope with this well. We all have our inner insecurities.

    The point I am failing to get to, is that if you find a really great guy, he almost certainly is worth the effort you need to make. I wish you lots of good things.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: I suck at relationships....

    I know it probably sounds too simple, Callyish, but quite honestly, speaking as a guy, if a woman came to me and told me simply what you told us in the first post, that would help a lot--primarily that you're so used to being defensive with guys that that's the only way you seem to be able to react. If he's a good guy, and he sounds like it, he'll be grateful that you told him this and perhaps the next time it starts up he'll call you on it and the two of you will have a different outcome to the argument.

    It seems, always, that in an argument between a man and a woman there are always many ghosts in the room.
    JK Jim

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