I posted a thread here before about how frustrated with school I was but it's just gotten worse. I seriously need to make a decision because it's negatively affecting my life at this point. Some background: I'm a junior at an out-of-state university half-way across the country from my family. I'm a humanities major with a concentration in ancient-medieval history. Originally I wanted to go to grad school to continue in research, now hell no. Then I was thinking museum work might be interesting. Now I'm just plain lost.
Note: This is not intended to be self-pitying. I need guidance, advice, thoughts. Ultimately the final decision will be mine but I always like hearing varying perspectives. At this point though, I don't know what to do.
From my blog...
I am seriously considering taking a break from school. I just...can't do this right now. I have been sick AGAIN for the past few days, so I haven't been able to attend classes. I miss a lot when I miss classes. I didn't write a paper that was due last Thursday. I didn't read the required book or find the required accompanying articles online. I looked over my syllabi at the beginning of this term a couple of times and, like every term, I planned on doing better this time around. But it never happens. Fall term I didn't attend one of my finals so I got an Incomplete in the course. I got average grades in the other classes that term. Winter term I failed a class because I didn't do any of the readings and while I got a B- on the midterm, I didn't go to the final because I knew I wouldn't pass it--I can't bullshit my way through something if I know nothing about the topic. It was HIST 442: American Identities, or something like that. Don't even ask me what it was about because I don't know. And that Latin American history class? Ha. Got an Incomplete in that because that final paper was just beyond my abilities. Again, hadn't done the readings throughout the term.
And now it's week 8 of spring term. I have a huge project due next week for one class that I am now completely apathetic about, that paper I didn't write last week that'll take a chunk out of my grade, and the other class I have done no reading for. None. Because there's too much and I get overwhelmed and I can't concentrate on it anyway because I'm pretty sure I have ADD. And I say that because I can't even focus on enjoyable reading anymore, let alone boring textbook crap.
This year has just been one crisis after another. And now my dream of college has been splattered everywhere too. As usual, my expectations were too high and I was disappointed. This is not what I wanted. I have always hated school, HATED it. I hated high school, which is why I left after tenth grade to be home-schooled. And then I thought college would be so much better. It's not. It's still school but it's harder and the stakes are higher because my parents are pouring all of this money into the damn place, taking out tons of loans so I can get an education.
And now I'm three years in and I just can't keep going right now. I am stagnant. And I don't want to blame it on anything because that's my usual route. I'm not gonna blame it on certain people or certain situations. It just is what it is. I would rather leave school right now and come back later to finish with good grades than push myself to graduate with barely passing grades, a mediocre GPA, and utterly no feelings of accomplishment or satisfaction.
I can't even remember the last time I felt accomplishment about something. I never get As anymore. My usual grade is a B-. Not good, not really bad. I put no effort into anything because I don't fucking care. I don't see how any of this will benefit me. When CNN constantly reports about how college graduates aren't finding jobs, I get seriously upset. Why are we all trying so hard, wasting all this money when it's gonna go to shit? And yeah, I can claim that I'm going to college for the educational value 'til my teeth fall out--we still all go to college so that we can get higher-paying jobs. And if that's not a guarantee anymore, well then fuck it. People say "well, it just makes it look like you got something done. you finished college, that's impressive." No. It should not just be kind of impressive that I just worked my ass off for four years doing bullshit busy-work, reading useless biased outdated crap, and sacrificing health and sleep to get a good grade. Not to mention the $33,000 a damn year my parents pay for me to go to an out-of-state university. No. It should not just be impressive. It should guaran-fucking-tee me a job with a good base pay.
Maybe that's spoiled and self-entitled? I don't know, it sounds reasonable to me. But then again, my generation is a little different.
I don't know what to do. If I took a term off from school I'd work a lot, save up money, do some traveling--maybe not to Europe yet because that'll come after I graduate, but to countries I've wanted to visit but haven't had the time to (Mexico, Canada, parts of the Caribbean, road trip around the States.) I'd read the books I haven't had time to read, I'd do the things on my to-do list. I wouldn't just lie around being lazy. I do that now while I'm in school because I'm so miserable that the very thought of doing my studying sends me into a catatonic state. Maybe I wouldn't even have to take the term off--if I could just be a part-time student, take just one class, I could probably manage. I would still graduate on time by next spring. I'm ahead on my credits already. But I can't stand the idea of continuing on, barely passing, sliding by, mediocre work, not putting any effort in. That's not what college was supposed to be. I was supposed to enjoy this. I'm not. I hate every second of it. I'm bored in class, I'm bored CONSTANTLY. I'm not being challenged or stimulated.
Whatever happened to the ambitious, excited, motivated girl who wanted to major in medieval studies and go to grad school in Cambridge to study medieval archaeology and research?
She's dead. She's fucking dead, people. I changed sometime during college and I no longer know what I want out of life or what makes me happy. And I don't think forcing myself to choke down more classes will solve anything right now.
I'm not supposed to have a quarter-life crisis at 21. I have another four years for that. What the hell.
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Anyone else been through this? Going through it? I just can't push myself anymore.



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