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Thread: I need school advice. (long)

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    Veteran Member Laylalust's Avatar
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    Angry I need school advice. (long)

    I posted a thread here before about how frustrated with school I was but it's just gotten worse. I seriously need to make a decision because it's negatively affecting my life at this point. Some background: I'm a junior at an out-of-state university half-way across the country from my family. I'm a humanities major with a concentration in ancient-medieval history. Originally I wanted to go to grad school to continue in research, now hell no. Then I was thinking museum work might be interesting. Now I'm just plain lost.

    Note: This is not intended to be self-pitying. I need guidance, advice, thoughts. Ultimately the final decision will be mine but I always like hearing varying perspectives. At this point though, I don't know what to do.

    From my blog...

    I am seriously considering taking a break from school. I just...can't do this right now. I have been sick AGAIN for the past few days, so I haven't been able to attend classes. I miss a lot when I miss classes. I didn't write a paper that was due last Thursday. I didn't read the required book or find the required accompanying articles online. I looked over my syllabi at the beginning of this term a couple of times and, like every term, I planned on doing better this time around. But it never happens. Fall term I didn't attend one of my finals so I got an Incomplete in the course. I got average grades in the other classes that term. Winter term I failed a class because I didn't do any of the readings and while I got a B- on the midterm, I didn't go to the final because I knew I wouldn't pass it--I can't bullshit my way through something if I know nothing about the topic. It was HIST 442: American Identities, or something like that. Don't even ask me what it was about because I don't know. And that Latin American history class? Ha. Got an Incomplete in that because that final paper was just beyond my abilities. Again, hadn't done the readings throughout the term.
    And now it's week 8 of spring term. I have a huge project due next week for one class that I am now completely apathetic about, that paper I didn't write last week that'll take a chunk out of my grade, and the other class I have done no reading for. None. Because there's too much and I get overwhelmed and I can't concentrate on it anyway because I'm pretty sure I have ADD. And I say that because I can't even focus on enjoyable reading anymore, let alone boring textbook crap.
    This year has just been one crisis after another. And now my dream of college has been splattered everywhere too. As usual, my expectations were too high and I was disappointed. This is not what I wanted. I have always hated school, HATED it. I hated high school, which is why I left after tenth grade to be home-schooled. And then I thought college would be so much better. It's not. It's still school but it's harder and the stakes are higher because my parents are pouring all of this money into the damn place, taking out tons of loans so I can get an education.

    And now I'm three years in and I just can't keep going right now. I am stagnant. And I don't want to blame it on anything because that's my usual route. I'm not gonna blame it on certain people or certain situations. It just is what it is. I would rather leave school right now and come back later to finish with good grades than push myself to graduate with barely passing grades, a mediocre GPA, and utterly no feelings of accomplishment or satisfaction.
    I can't even remember the last time I felt accomplishment about something. I never get As anymore. My usual grade is a B-. Not good, not really bad. I put no effort into anything because I don't fucking care. I don't see how any of this will benefit me. When CNN constantly reports about how college graduates aren't finding jobs, I get seriously upset. Why are we all trying so hard, wasting all this money when it's gonna go to shit? And yeah, I can claim that I'm going to college for the educational value 'til my teeth fall out--we still all go to college so that we can get higher-paying jobs. And if that's not a guarantee anymore, well then fuck it. People say "well, it just makes it look like you got something done. you finished college, that's impressive." No. It should not just be kind of impressive that I just worked my ass off for four years doing bullshit busy-work, reading useless biased outdated crap, and sacrificing health and sleep to get a good grade. Not to mention the $33,000 a damn year my parents pay for me to go to an out-of-state university. No. It should not just be impressive. It should guaran-fucking-tee me a job with a good base pay.

    Maybe that's spoiled and self-entitled? I don't know, it sounds reasonable to me. But then again, my generation is a little different.

    I don't know what to do. If I took a term off from school I'd work a lot, save up money, do some traveling--maybe not to Europe yet because that'll come after I graduate, but to countries I've wanted to visit but haven't had the time to (Mexico, Canada, parts of the Caribbean, road trip around the States.) I'd read the books I haven't had time to read, I'd do the things on my to-do list. I wouldn't just lie around being lazy. I do that now while I'm in school because I'm so miserable that the very thought of doing my studying sends me into a catatonic state. Maybe I wouldn't even have to take the term off--if I could just be a part-time student, take just one class, I could probably manage. I would still graduate on time by next spring. I'm ahead on my credits already. But I can't stand the idea of continuing on, barely passing, sliding by, mediocre work, not putting any effort in. That's not what college was supposed to be. I was supposed to enjoy this. I'm not. I hate every second of it. I'm bored in class, I'm bored CONSTANTLY. I'm not being challenged or stimulated.

    Whatever happened to the ambitious, excited, motivated girl who wanted to major in medieval studies and go to grad school in Cambridge to study medieval archaeology and research?
    She's dead. She's fucking dead, people. I changed sometime during college and I no longer know what I want out of life or what makes me happy. And I don't think forcing myself to choke down more classes will solve anything right now.

    I'm not supposed to have a quarter-life crisis at 21. I have another four years for that. What the hell.
    --

    Anyone else been through this? Going through it? I just can't push myself anymore.


    "Lying's the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off...but it's better if you do."

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    Default Re: I need school advice. (long)

    Quote Originally Posted by Laylalust View Post
    I have always hated school, HATED it. I hated high school, which is why I left after tenth grade to be home-schooled. And then I thought college would be so much better. It's not. It's still school but it's harder and the stakes are higher because my parents are pouring all of this money into the damn place, taking out tons of loans so I can get an education.

    And now I'm three years in and I just can't keep going right now.
    Aw, I really think you need to take some time off. The part-time is an option, if you think you can do that - but if you're not in the right space for it, even that will be hard to do, and you'll feel worse about yourself.

    You've always hated school. Honestly, school isn't for everyone. It doesn't mean someone isn't smart if they don't like school or for whatever reason don't finish it.

    Maybe it would be good to go get some more life experience, then re-evaluate. Maybe school will be right for you in the future. Or maybe it won't.

    But right now it sounds like you're trying to fit yourself into something that just isn't for you right now. It doesn't sound like you could grit your teeth and get through it even if you wanted to. You can't force yourself to care about something when you can't see a reason to care at this point.

    There's no shame in taking a break, if you need to figure out your values and what you want to do. It sounds like the money and time are being wasted.

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    Default Re: I need school advice. (long)

    You need to stop being my twin please.

    I know exactly how you feel. I keep expecting school to be a certain way and it never is. I'm watching my peers graduate in a few weeks and I'm still stuck here in this horrible muck of uncertainty. I wish I had more advice for you, but I don't since I feel the same way.

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    Veteran Member MissDewdrop's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need school advice. (long)

    It does sound like you really need a break. Maybe the pressure of everything has dulled your passion? If you take a semester off and refresh, read, explore like you suggest, you just may find your niche and interest, which will motivate the hell out of you when you return. If you end up deciding to pursue grad school later on, your application will look better if your final term(s) have the A's instead of the B-'s. Also, when applying, you need a focused statement of purpose to prove your dedication and interest to the admitting committee.

    Good luck with everything! There's nothing wrong with wanting to "find yourself," especially at 21. You have lots of time to finish.

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    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need school advice. (long)

    Well... what does CNN say about non-college grads? I mean, true, a college grad may wind up working as a secretary... the corollary of that being that to be a secretary you need to be a college grad. True, by the way. In most companies in this city they want a B.A. from an entry level receptionist.

    My advice would be to a) relax your courseload, but don't drop out. Maybe try an exchange, a work study or other options for the 3rd year malaise. You're not the only one who experiences this; there are programs specifically for it, generally. If these things aren't an option, reduce your courseload to one or two courses you feel very excited about. Force feeding yourself classes won't help you, but, to be honest, just dropping out isn't likely to either.
    b) Don't drop out. Make a commitment that you want to finish something. Yes, this does have meaning; committing to a task - such as a course of study - and completing it does have value, even if only to your character. I'm not going to say "if you drop out you'll never go back"; I can tell you that most people don't go back the following year, particularly when they are dancing. If you are determined that you don't want to attend classes, maybe you can experiment with online classes that will apply to your degree; another stripperwebber has done this, and has traveled for work and pleasure while pursuing a degree.
    c) seek counseling. You could be suffering from a low grade depression. A low dose of zoloft (or whatever the depressed kids are taking these days) could work wonders for you.
    d) Drop the sense of self-entitlement. Maybe we should be guaranteed these things, but that world is gone and not coming back and we are, after all, in the middle of the new industrial revolution. That means that there are no guarantees in life. What you can do is prepare yourself the best you can, and that will generally mean being prepared to participate in a knowledge based workforce.
    e) you can change your focus. You don't need to study medieval history or history at all. You can do graduate work in a completely different field; you can go for an MBA, a law degree and library science degree. Deal with the task in front of you; worry about the future when you are graduating. Or, you know, just before you are graduating.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

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    Default Re: I need school advice. (long)

    Hi Layla,

    It sounds like you're burned out, and failing to see the value of what you are doing. I also suspect from your words that you are worried about yourself, about what it would "mean" if you left college or altered course.

    I went through a similar situation: two years into college, I couldn't see sense in what I was doing--what I was studying--anymore. I see now that that meant I was growing...internally, my sense of my possibilities was growing, but I was lost for a while because I wasn't sticking to the plan (I'd set out to become a forester, only to find I was more interested in one of the girls in my ecology class than the subject itself). I dropped out, and, because I was able to write fairly well, got a stringer job as a newspaper reporter. That led to another reporter job, and another, until I understood that I could make a living at it, and didn't need the college. I was twenty-one. I wanted to learn some photography and got into a course at a local college. My father--who had a great and quiet, wise sense about him--suggested I take a creative writing class while I was at it. I did, and discovered that the class was taught by a wonderful writer--someone who would soon be discovered by the world for his great gift. By the next year, I was this man's teaching assistant, and was getting through the school entirely on scholarships, and had dropped any work in reporting and was on my way to grad school for creative writing. I had seen, by then, that there was a limit to what I would be able to do in reporting without the degree and, frankly, I was following my heart, going into deeper and deeper forms of writing. What is important, here, is that I kept finding limits in what I was doing, psychologically, (limits in my interest) and I would change course, slightly, and go with what I was most interested in. In my last year as an undergrad I still faced some courses which were less desirable than the others, but now, moving toward something which was both a goal and still a mystery--toward a destination of possibility--I saw purpose in what I was doing.

    I was lucky enough to get into the best writing school (graduate) in the country--and because it was where my heart lived it didn't feel like school at all. Hard work, yes, but always with passion. I've done many jobs as a writer since, but I kept following my star. I have published books that have done well, and I am a professor. A far cry from my early dream of being a forester!

    In this country, particularly, the college degree is held up as a goal in and of itself. To me, it has always been more of a symbol of a line passed, and more to come. We think "I'll get this, and then this, and then this," and then wonder why we're not happy. The school that I teach at has an extraordinary reputation--there are 16,000 or so who try to get in each year and about 1400 make it. A student doesn't get in without straight A's. They know how to study: I try to make them know their passion, so that they don't get caught up in the whirlwind of going after an "agenda" simply for the piece of paper. I see them graduate and become diplomats and politicians and doctors and artists, and in most cases they are doing what they love, and the rest follows. This is the way to view college: as a place where you learn your passion.

    It may not feel like it, but what is happening to you now is grooming you for success--you are finding limits within yourself, finding perhaps that images you have gone after are not precisely what you thought they would be. So be it! Other things wait for you--other doors wait to open. You are on the way to finding your passion. Take the time to understand what it is you are learning. My only advice would be to not simply take off and make life a vacation (if you can afford that)--that that will stall your learning process. If you take the time off I would work at something you are interested in, but remain connected to the rhythm of the working world: this will help you define more clearly what your dreams are. Then when you return, you will do so with a new sense of purpose.

    I hope that is some help. There is nothing to panic about here. It actually seems like the time this happens to most college students (at my university we actually encourage the students to go abroad in the third year for just this reason). You are learning, and will be better off in the long run if you listen to what your heart is telling you. Good luck, and feel free to PM me if I can be of more help.
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: I need school advice. (long)

    It sounds like you need a break. I will do you a world of good, believe me.

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    Default Re: I need school advice. (long)

    Would it be possible for you to move home and attend your local community college? A lot of people use those to help them get back in. That's what I did after I left high school. If not, honestly you just need to push yourself and definitely lessen the courseload. It sounds like you're taking a lot of tedious courses. With a major like history it's constant memory and reading... I would suggest taking some fun classes to relax yourself and make you enjoy school more.

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    Default Re: I need school advice. (long)

    The college I went to (small liberal arts college, 3rd in the country for undergrads who go on to get PhDs) has a very high attrition rate. About 70% of people get their BA in 4 years... but a LOT of people end up getting their BAs (also involves writing a thesis) in 6-7 years, because it's so common to take time off.

    If you need to, take time off. Often, especially when you're trying for an intense field of focus, getting some distance is what will allow you to *really* value your education. Not being thrown into it and expected to do X in Y # of years.

    Take time off and explore other aspects of yourself. You may have forgotten certain ways to feel and to dream, being stuck in the mindset of 'student'. If you take time off and realize those goals are the same ones you still want, then you'll REALLY treasure achieving them.

    And if those goals aren't the ones you'll still want... then you'll be grateful that you had the opportunity to re-evaluate your dreams.

    Personally, I got a degree in Art History. 2 years out of college, and I have a great, amazing, and interesting job. I got it as a combination of being a sensible person, hard worker, college graduate -- and also my experience in the sex industry! Had nothing to do with my thesis or my GPA, but just having had been to college and also my natural, innate talents.

    Another good friend of mine did 3 years as an econ major and then realized he wasn't ready to finish his degree, so he joined the Navy. For 3 years he travelled the world, having adventures, and getting his degree paid. He realized that he didn't care to pursue economics intellectually anymore and is now back pursuing a BA in psychology. He needed that time off.

    Actually, graduation was last week and I can count off the top of my head eight people I know who took 1-1.5 years longer then 'expected'. They are all incredibly grateful that they did it.

    Good luck!!! Feel free to PM me if you want to rant and have someone listen.

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    God/dess anomar's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need school advice. (long)

    Oh, you're in Oregon? I went to college in PDX.

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