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Thread: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

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    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
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    Default role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    For those of you who do not know, I live with my grandmother. I see her aging now everyday. Since my mother passed 12 years ago she has been like a mother to me. She has been my rock, my safehaven and my shelter. Now I see the roles reversing. I know I should expect this but it's very hard to see someone so strong becoming needy much like a child.

    Her sister passed away Friday. She was 88 but had a sudden stroke so it was unexpected but expected in a sense. She was raised her with her family in this small town we live in. Everybody has been buried and the same cemetary. Yesterday she couldn't find the cemetary or tell me where it was. I realized at that point and have sort of thought this at other points that she is fading on me. It hurts me to see this happening to her.

    Anybody else have experiences firsthand with aging parents or grandparents your cared for?

  2. #2
    beauty21queen
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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    Yes when my grandfather looked at me one day and asked me, "Who are you?" That made me cry like a baby. I was raised by my grandparents too so to me they are my parents. There is alot more things im starting to see and it hurts me real bad I can't stop thinking about it sometimes.

    I don't really like talking about this stuff though because I get all cry-baby. I bottle-up my emotions alot and try to forget. It doesn't work and I know it's bad for me but I just cant cry all day , you know? So I tend to not try to think about it but then at night I really start to think about everything because it is inevitable for me not to .

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    Featured Member CuriousSeeker's Avatar
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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    It's painful to see them lose certain abilities, especially if *they* are aware of it.

    The most important thing I have learned is to recharge in some way, especially if you're doing hands-on care with body care and/or if the person's mental/emotional functioning has been compromised, etc.

    I've pretty much weeded out people in my life who do not get the impact of this situation on me, and I don't feel a need to explain these circumstances anymore. I'll clarify to folks who genuinely want to understand, especially if they've never gone through it. Bottom line: if I dealt with explaining each thing three times or more that day and dealt with poo as well, I am in a different headspace from folks who are not dealing with this, so I need to take care of myself. The experience has a very different feel to it than taking care of able-bodied kids.

    It's difficult to see strength go to weakness and to see former capabilities falter.
    Last edited by CuriousSeeker; 06-16-2008 at 11:13 PM. Reason: Grammar schmammar
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  4. #4
    MsQwerty
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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    Yes, my grandparents are 90 and both now have dementia but dont realise it. Its sad. My gran is very happy and outgoing and sensible still and not a problem, but my grandfather is miseranle, a drama queen, rude and manipulative so its quite hard to deal with. my mum is bearing the brunt and its hard to watch as I realise its aging her and making her sick too.

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    Yes, I deal w/it every day. EXTREMELY difficult. Some meds help: aracept, risepdal, (sp). She goes daily (not wkends) to a senior center. Helps her to be around other seniors.
    Curious, you said better than I could!


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

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    Featured Member CuriousSeeker's Avatar
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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    The past 29 hours have been the parental twilight zone.
    Last edited by CuriousSeeker; 06-16-2008 at 11:07 PM.
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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    Quote Originally Posted by greenidlady1 View Post
    Anybody else have experiences firsthand with aging parents or grandparents your cared for?
    I'm dealing with this right now with my father. Diagnosed with Alzheimers
    He has just been put on "Aerocept" (sp)?. My mom is his sole care taker at the moment but I'm working on having them move up near me in the very near future....its the main reason im still dancing. This situation fucking sucks. I have a hard time talking about this. Nice to know i'm not alone.

    P.S. Its so painful to have conversations with my dad now.
    Last edited by Candice; 06-07-2008 at 06:17 AM.

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    Featured Member xoxoGracexoxo's Avatar
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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    I haven't dealt with this yet, but I see it in my future. My parents were in their forties when I was born, and have lived kinda hard lives, so I do see the aging. They are both doing OK right now, but my father is not taking care of himself, and is sinking deeper into depression each year. I know depression can be a serious problem in elderly people, and I foresee dealing with this in coming years. It will be easy to care for my mother, because she is such a sweet lady and I love her to death. My father will not be so easy. I love him, but we've always had problems, and I'll really have to get over a lot of stuff to be able to care for him in any intimate way.

    My mother's mother is my only living grandparent. She is amazing, and means so much to me. She was one of the most stable adults in my life when I was growing up. She has practiced yoga every day since the 60's, and will be 90 this year. She is still going extremely strong, but I know she can't live forever. I wish I lived closer to her so I could spend more time with her. This thread really motivates me to visit her.

    My love and sympathy to everyone who's dealing with this, and Curious Seeker sounds right on. The better care we take of ourselves, the more energy we have to care for others. (Advice I should take.)

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    Featured Member CuriousSeeker's Avatar
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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    I'm reclaiming my prime minister of poop title. I went to bed at 9 pm and had to wake up to deal with a major accident about an hour ago. Mom managed to get it all over the dining room, hallway and a bit into the living room. So much for going to bed.

    I can see the care level is only going up, and she literally has no memory of prior accidents or other incidents so she doesn't get why she isn't entitled to be imperfect every now and then. She feels martyred and totally plays it up, which is typical of the emotional disorder she has dealt with for years and years. She is 81.

    She said she cleaned it up. Wrong. Warm water and a half-assed scrub doesn't get up anything or deal with that bacteria. Worse yet she threw poopy clothes in with laundry that contains dish towels and body towels, so I had to 'splain her why I was separating things - not that it will matter as the explanations just go right out of her head again.

    I need to know more about elder law. I need to talk with her doc - again.
    "Don't piss off a motivated stripper."


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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    I'm sorry you are going threw this. I myself am brushing up on elder law and all the services I will need in the future for my dad.

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    Featured Member CuriousSeeker's Avatar
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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    ^Candice, thanks.

    I have a good report.

    Today Dad and I went to her doctor (GP, internist) and explained what was happening with accidents, missing memories, odd behaviors (especially around hygiene and chores), and her general disconnectedness from the world.

    The doc agrees that despite ongoing mental illness (that's been there for years), dementia seems to be creeping in, and that Arocept (sp?) could help. She explained that the drug would not bring back memories that my mom no longer has, but it will help to prevent deterioration, which is my main concern; I can't afford for her to lose basic "files," like how to make a meal, put on clothes, etc. These things are already getting compromised, and if she gets worse, she will exceed the level of care that we can give as "civilians" instead of professionals.

    The doc said there would be blood work to be done and an MRI of her brain to see what's up. She wants to check my mom for her medication levels and also her nutrition. She's covering all the bases and has my trust.

    The doc also knows her limits and said that a geriatric psychiatrist should be the one managing my mom's case at this point. I agree, and it's going to be a tussle to get my mom started, given how tough it is to get her out of the house period (another issue).

    This starts next week. I feel good about it because it makes me feel more in control of the situation, and even though it's rough on my dad, there's simply no turning back now. It's obvious what we're dealing with, and he and I don't have the expertise to help her. To avoid that fact would be negligent and unloving on our parts.

    What's jolting is that after a few straight days of total bizarreness, my mom spoke so normally and was so present in her communications that I was taken aback.

    Lots of hugs to people in this transition period.
    "Don't piss off a motivated stripper."


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    Featured Member needtodance's Avatar
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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    ALl I can say is you are all MUCH more brave and loving than I. Hugs, that must be SO scary to live with.
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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousSeeker View Post
    ^Candice, thanks.

    I I feel good about it because it makes me feel more in control of the situation, and even though it's rough on my dad, there's simply no turning back now. It's obvious what we're dealing with, and he and I don't have the expertise to help her. To avoid that fact would be negligent and unloving on our parts.

    What's jolting is that after a few straight days of total bizarreness, my mom spoke so normally and was so present in her communications that I was taken aback.

    Lots of hugs to people in this transition period.
    Hi Seeker

    I know how you feel regarding the more in control part. When I first took my dad to the doc a few months back to get him on "Aerocept" I was feeling pretty rattled/emotional myself, taking him to the doctor was for me admitting that there was something definitly wrong....I couldn't deny it any longer, but at the same time it felt great to know I was doing the right thing to help him and my mom. My poor mom couldn't even come with us to the doctor because she herself was a nervous wreck. Luckily my younger sis came along and so did my S/O.

    Without the help of my family it would have been REALLY tough to get my dad to the appointment. I also have the support of my sister in law who has been threw this with her father in law. He lived with her and her hubby for the last few years of his life before finally going to the nursing home. I think she could give you a run for your money on the poopy stories. lol And so she's been a good support as well.

    It is strange how lucid they are sometimes and how NOT they are at other times. He's only been on Aerocept for a couple of months now but hopefully it will help stop or at least slow things down....

    Your posts on your situation have really emotionally helped me. Keep me updated and if you need to vent I am here. I'm sure I'll be needing to vent pretty soon myself.

    Stay strong,
    Candice
    Last edited by Candice; 06-13-2008 at 05:31 AM.

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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    Quote Originally Posted by needtodance View Post
    ALl I can say is you are all MUCH more brave and loving than I. Hugs, that must be SO scary to live with.
    The only positive about my sistuation if you can call it positive is that they caught his disease in the early stages. Now all I can do is hope for the best but plan for the worst. One of the many things I've learned from all of this is its never too young to plan ahead.

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    Featured Member CuriousSeeker's Avatar
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    Default Re: role reversal aging parents/grandparents

    Quote Originally Posted by Candice View Post
    He's only been on Aerocept for a couple of months now but hopefully it will help stop or at least slow things down....
    Aerocept sounds hugely promising. I'm hoping for the best.

    It's so good to hear from people who went through this kind of episode. Thanks for sharing it here.
    "Don't piss off a motivated stripper."


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