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Thread: Why am I such a sucker?

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    Default Why am I such a sucker?

    I missed out on a LOT of money last night. I had a guy come in who's a semi-regular. He's a real nice guy, ex-Marine, combat veteran, etc. He came in last night, took me to the back, and just spent time holding me. He told me he is leaving again on Saturday to go back into the service and back to the war. Then he cries on my shoulder.

    So I ended up spending the WHOLE NIGHT with him, trying to get him/keep him in a good mood, listening to his old war stories, etc. I had THREE PEOPLE actually go so far as to walk up to me and ask me for a dance (while I was in conversation with him) and I told them I'd see them as soon as I was done, but I never got done with him. Now, today, I'm kicking myself because of all that money that I lost last night. He paid me for the time in VIP and tipped me well on my stages, but I still lost a lot of money by not hustling the OTHER customers in the club.

    And so today, I'm pissed off at myself. But I have to admit that I've done this before. Last Sunday, I spent a good portion of the day in VIP with a terminal cancer patient (who was also crying).

    In the nine months I've been dancing, I've had a biker ex-Marine, an ex-Navy guy, a kind of redneck Marine, an Iraqi expatriate, a guy whose mother was in hospice and expected to die any day, a guy whose daughter was recently killed in a car accident, two guys crying over their divorces, a guy whose grandfather died two weeks prior to his visit, the cancer patient, and now this Marine--ALL of them have cried on my shoulder in VIP. ALL of them have pretty much told me their life story within mere hours of meeting me. ALL of them have ended up costing me a lot of money.

    I tell myself every night, "I'm going to go in there tonight and be a greedy bitch," but then I get in there and find myself drawn into someone else's sob story, and I can't turn away from them and leave them sad. I could no more abandon someone (even a perfect stranger) in their time of need than I could grow wings and fly to Mars.

    This has been happening to me since I was in high school. I meet someone and within hours they're crying to me and telling me things they've never told me before. But it's really getting to be a problem now, because it's costing me money, and I need every dime I can scrounge up. But I just don't know how in the hell to go about changing it.

    Is there a nice, polite way to get PAID for being a therapist in the club? I try subtle hints like, "I know I'm losing money tonight," but they never get the hint. Or they think that their $100 is enough to tide me over for the entire night, and it's just not (not when $40+ goes to the house and mandatory tipouts). Or do I just need to be more of a bitch?

    And why me?

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    Default Re: Why am I such a sucker?

    I actually carry the phone number of the distress center in my town in my wallet to hand out to people like that. While I do sympathizem it's not up to strippers to save the world. If you were working at any other place you wouldn't be able to stop and sit and talk for hours.

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    Default Re: Why am I such a sucker?

    You seem to have a lot of empathy for other people. That's not a bad quality to have as a person, but it may not earn you a lot of money.

    Maybe don't be a bitch, but learn to separate you personal feelings from your work. It may involve being a little cold-hearted.

  4. #4
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Why am I such a sucker?

    If he paid you for your time in VIP, then how did you lose money? I'm confused.

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    Default Re: Why am I such a sucker?

    I don't handle military guys well. I was dating a guy who was an army medic and he was killed in Iraq. Although I respect and appreciate the sacrifices and courage of the men and women in the armed forces, I just can't have much conversation with them. I don't know what I would have done in your situation, but like it was said above, it's not your job to be his therapist. If he's not spending money for your time, you really need to gently remind him that you're at work and to make with the green, or that you need to spend some time w/ other customers, and you'll come back to him when business slows down. Does that make sense? He knows you're at work, he just got overwhelmed, and so did you.

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    Veteran Member Julie, Julie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why am I such a sucker?

    LOL... and here I was wondering if it was just ME, also.

    I've had people tell me, "God, I've never told anyone this... why do I feel so comfortable talking to you...you just make me want to say how I feel...no, don't dance, you don't have to, let's just talk..." (and the best one) "you know, you have something about you that just makes people feel comfortable and want to open up to you. You should seriously think about that when you switch careers." lol

    Yep, I've gotten screwed out of $, too. You have to be careful of the "talkers." Sometimes they'll pay you, sometimes not - and you don't realize it b/c for some reason, you had to be born cursed to feel more empathy than your peers/ other people seem to, lol -jk - honestly, I'd rather be overly sensitive than under - sensitive.

    Sometimes, these people will take you to VIP to do this and treat you like a therapist. Which is reciprocal, and FAIR.
    Of course, there are those that won't, FWR. WHat I started doing so as to not be a bitch and compromise my values AND work time, is to give them a certain amount of songs to vent to, however much time you're comfy with spending for FREE, if they're in bad shape. (usually, limit 3, but have lost track and gone up to 10, YIKES). Be your usual self with them, but find a short lull in the convo to take the opportunity to excuse yourself and say something like, "I will be back, I'm going to walk around a little bit so I don't get in trouble (reprimanded), but I hope I see you in a few mins. I'll be back." And hug them or something. Or, "would you like a tissue, water, drink, (whatever I think they may need)?" Get it fast and tell them you'll be back, don't sit back down.
    If another customer comes up DO NOT deny them, or AT LEAST don't make them wait for more than 1/2 song or one at most. If he sees them come up to you, he should understand that you have to excuse yourself and say you'll be back. Make your $$ and keep your word. Re-visit him, sometimes you won't have to sit b/c he will be feeling better. Or sit and offer him a more "private setting" for your time together.

    If he doesn't understand why you have to excuse yourself for a bit, he is not worthy of your extra energy and blessed sensitivity. Honestly.

    I know it is hard to discipline yourself. I've had a few nights that were TOTAL WASTES and swore I had to implement some sort system, lol, it works most of the time for me.

    Hope this helps! ANd don't worry you'll have a rockin' night soon to make up for all that you lost last night. Trust me.
    j

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    Default Re: Why am I such a sucker?

    Oh god i can totally be the same way. When someone is pouring there heart out to me its just so hard to tell them I have to go. I'm sure you'd be able to tell that im the kind of person that can be taken advantage of easy too and i hate that so much. i wish i wasn't like this.

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    Default Re: Why am I such a sucker?

    Quote Originally Posted by Julie, Julie View Post
    LOL... and here I was wondering if it was just ME, also.

    I've had people tell me, "God, I've never told anyone this... why do I feel so comfortable talking to you...you just make me want to say how I feel...no, don't dance, you don't have to, let's just talk..." (and the best one) "you know, you have something about you that just makes people feel comfortable and want to open up to you. You should seriously think about that when you switch careers." lol

    Yep, I've gotten screwed out of $, too. You have to be careful of the "talkers." Sometimes they'll pay you, sometimes not - and you don't realize it b/c for some reason, you had to be born cursed to feel more empathy than your peers/ other people seem to, lol -jk - honestly, I'd rather be overly sensitive than under - sensitive.

    Sometimes, these people will take you to VIP to do this and treat you like a therapist. Which is reciprocal, and FAIR.
    Of course, there are those that won't, FWR. WHat I started doing so as to not be a bitch and compromise my values AND work time, is to give them a certain amount of songs to vent to, however much time you're comfy with spending for FREE, if they're in bad shape. (usually, limit 3, but have lost track and gone up to 10, YIKES). Be your usual self with them, but find a short lull in the convo to take the opportunity to excuse yourself and say something like, "I will be back, I'm going to walk around a little bit so I don't get in trouble (reprimanded), but I hope I see you in a few mins. I'll be back." And hug them or something. Or, "would you like a tissue, water, drink, (whatever I think they may need)?" Get it fast and tell them you'll be back, don't sit back down.
    If another customer comes up DO NOT deny them, or AT LEAST don't make them wait for more than 1/2 song or one at most. If he sees them come up to you, he should understand that you have to excuse yourself and say you'll be back. Make your $$ and keep your word. Re-visit him, sometimes you won't have to sit b/c he will be feeling better. Or sit and offer him a more "private setting" for your time together.

    If he doesn't understand why you have to excuse yourself for a bit, he is not worthy of your extra energy and blessed sensitivity. Honestly.

    I know it is hard to discipline yourself. I've had a few nights that were TOTAL WASTES and swore I had to implement some sort system, lol, it works most of the time for me.

    Hope this helps! ANd don't worry you'll have a rockin' night soon to make up for all that you lost last night. Trust me.
    Thanks a bunch! That's kind of what I needed, some way that I could work WITH my "disability" instead of having it work against me!

    Yekhefah, when they do that, they take me to VIP (which in my club is a semi-private couch dance room; $20/song), but then we always get distracted and end up talking for 10 songs. When we get done, they'll usually pay me, but it's only $40-$100 (instead of the $200 it would've been had I been dancing the whole time), so I end up losing money. Then it's not JUST the time you spend in VIP. It's the time you spend with them before they ask to go to VIP, and the time you spend after VIP getting their spirits back up. I've found that normally, it's a cycle they go through. They'll start talking with you, and then they'll progressively get worse and worse as they talk about their problem. They'll ask to go to VIP so they can talk to you privately, and then they usually won't want you to dance, just to let them hold you or to talk. They'll talk for a little bit, and then you can almost feel it, like a "pop". That's when I always hold them real close, and they cry. They cry for a little bit while I hold them and stroke their hair. Then they'll pull away, finish talking, and I listen. When they've finally talked it out and thanked you, they'll suggest that you go back to the floor. From then on, their goal is to "party"--to try to ignore their sadness for the rest of the night.

    It is very time-consuming and emotionally draining. I don't mind that. What I DO mind is not getting paid for it.

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    Default Re: Why am I such a sucker?

    I've learned in my own experience to be firm, polite, and yet sympathetic to their plight. Basically my key words, phrases are:

    a)"I am hearing you/I hear what you're saying/, and I feel for you, BUT

    b)I FEEL emotionally overwhelmed/I'm not working to the best of my ability/might be getting taken advantage of/out of my element with your issue/ AND

    c) I NEED to work right now/take a rest/refer you to someone else (professional), and that means I am going to have to leave you for a bit/request that if you wish to spend further time with me I would need to be compensated for your time, as that is only fair. . . . [What I need you to do is promise me/please take care of yourself, here's a number for a therapist/counsellor that specializes in your issue. I'm sure they can be of greater help than I.

    It helps that they understand that you empathize with them but this is your work, and they are running the risk of taking advantage of your sympathetic ear while not compensating you for your time. You deserve that money, you are at your job. They might understand, they might get angry, they might feel you are a heartless [insert misogynist name-calling here] but you are there to get paid.

    Your sympathy is a bonus and makes you awesome but time, in this case, is money - and just how can you listen to people if you're too busy worrying about rent and bills? (go guilt-tripping! yay!)

    Just some suggestions, they've helped me in the past.

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    Default Re: Why am I such a sucker?

    I've only made money twice out of lots of "talkers" They are totally in the mind set of thinking about themselves so it's "you're such a nice girl" as if you don't need to be compensated. Some will then turn around and spend it on another girl that they haven't confided in.

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    Default Re: Why am I such a sucker?

    What you need to do is not sit down. Start dancing and let them talk. If there contact just face them put one leg on the floor and prob your other on them and kinda sit. You can still hug them and put your ear close and listen. That way your technically still dancing the songs and getting paid. I talk alot myself during dances and just move around a bit. I never get complaints about talking and hey thats what these guys want anyways. So try that.

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