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Thread: a letter from my friend's mother

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    Veteran Member Laylalust's Avatar
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    Default a letter from my friend's mother

    This past Memorial Day weekend, I spent the holiday with two of my good girlfriends at one of the girl's (I'll call her S) parents' house on the coast. While eating dinner together, S blurted out to her mother that I was a stripper. I was embarrassed and a little uncomfortable that S had decided to just reveal this information without my consent. Her mother didn't react with shock, she just said "Oh sweetie, that's such a dangerous environment, full of negativity and sickness. I hope you are being careful." I assured her that I was and the subject was dropped.

    Today, two (three?) weeks later, I received a letter in the mail from her mother. I'm typing it up word for word here because I was utterly appalled, first at the nerve of this woman, who barely knows me, to intrude, and also shock on my part from how close to home she hit. I don't know what to think.

    Dear C (that's me) and S (apparently she wrote it to her daughter as well),

    I had trouble sleeping last night because I was thinking about you two. From the perspective of an older woman and a mother I feel very sad and concerned about the work you're doing, C. I understand that women your age do not have the experience of life to understand that our words and actions of today create our well-being for tomorrow, and I'd like to share with you that perspective. This is only out of concern for your well-being and because it is obvious to me that you have a lot to offer this world.

    The consequences of your work can be physical, psychological, and spiritual. I think the physical ones are more obvious. I work with parolees and probationers and I am surprised how many of them there are; I see them everywhere. So in every one of your audiences there is at least one, if not more, persons who are criminals, sex offenders, sociopaths or psychopaths. This work DOES greatly increase the possibility of physical violence for you. The other physical danger is falling into addiction. It is well documented that these establishments are filled with high alcohol and drug use; both by clients and workers. Also, easy money is addictive, and you can start in one place and so easily end up in another where you did not intend to go in the beginning. Of course, it may be possible to avoid the physical risks (although very difficult to do if you stay very long in the sex trade), the psycho/spiritual risks are nearly impossible to avoid, and may do even more damage to your well-being.

    All of those people who are watching you do not see you as a person with an intelligent mind, kind heart and a possibility of unlimited consciousness, they see you only as a sex-object, a body, a way to satiate their own desires. The negative, dark energy this extreme self-centeredness emanates will affect you; each time you walk into the strip joint you are bathing in that energy. It's like walking from a beautiful sunny day in a garden into a dark room filled with smoke and stench and disease. It will not help you to feel good about yourself in the long term, even though in the beginning having the power to turn so many men on and make so much money may be exciting and feel good to your ego. Your psyche is so much more than your body and it will cry out in distress and depression eventually, because it is here to expand and grow, it is here for a purpose; and making money is never its purpose. Making money in a way that helps you and other people is a positive thing, but making money in a way that degrades you eats away at your psyche.

    So please do me a favor. Spend 20 minutes in silence every so often. Watch your breath and be aware of your thoughts; let them go as soon as they appear. When you are feeling somewhat peaceful go into your heart and ask it if your work is helping your self-esteem, ask if it is helping other people, ask if it is making you happy. Then don't let your thoughts take over, just FEEL what your heart is telling you. When you feel sadness or pain in your heart, please stop that work immediately. No matter how much you are being paid, it is not worth selling your spirit. I think this work has a good possibility of taking away any innocence you have forever. It also can erase hope and the ability to see goodness in yourself and others.

    S, you once before expressed an interest in becoming a stripper and I wanted to cry. I've had conversations with other parents about what the things our children could do that would be the most painful for us, and through this experience I have realized this is one of them. A beautiful young woman like you or C doing such de-humanizing work is very hard for a more experienced adult to accept, because we very much want the best for you, and are quite positive this will not lead to positive consequences in the future.

    I love you both, regardless of what choices you make, but I pray they are ones that will be for your highest good.

    B

    ---


    My first reaction to this letter was absolute rage. I've met this woman, S's mother, about 4 times. She is a very, very nice lady. I liked her a lot. And although a bit peeved that S told her mother about my job, it didn't seem to be an issue at the time. So for her to SEND ME A LETTER, passing judgment, intruding on my life, expressing her opinions without any experience in the matter, treating me like a child who doesn't know what she's doing (I'm 21), really incensed me. Who did this lady think she was? I called up R, the other friend who had accompanied me to S's home for the holiday and ranted for about thirty minutes straight. I was mad for hours.

    Now, re-reading the letter, I've calmed down some. I still don't think it's ANY of this woman's business what I do with my life. She doesn't know me or what I want out of life or who I am. But there are little bits of truth in her letter that struck a nerve, which may be why I got so angry. The part about the negative, dark energy of a strip club, describing it as a room filled with smoke and stench and disease...while a bit dramatic, isn't too far off from reality. I often feel like I'm walking into a pit of dark despair, sad, unfulfilled lives, and the basest form of humanity when I walk into my club. I usually just ignore the feeling because, well, it's work. I suck it up, do my job, and shrug it all off when I leave. I don't think it's really affecting me that negatively. But this letter scared me a bit. The whole "eating away at my psyche, losing all innocence, erasing hope" crap...not exactly encouraging.

    I don't know. I'm still pretty pissed. I really just need to learn to keep my job to myself because EVERYONE has a fucking opinion, and this woman felt the need to write me a goddamn letter on hers.

    I just feel confused now. Still angry, but also a little sad at how true some of her words are.


    "Lying's the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off...but it's better if you do."

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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    You should respond with dear miss...

    "While you are right, I am niave in my youth, at least I will be curled up with my Louis Vouitton purse and my piles of money. They keep me warm. I will tack them up so high that when I am your age, and my boobs are sagging, I will no longer have to work, but be retired. Though my eyes will be cold and vacant, my body will be be nicely dressed in Gucci. Much love, C."
    Sexy Jasmine after getting fucked over at work:

    God loves strippers and when guys do things like that its an automatic ticket to HELL!


    Quote Originally Posted by anomar View Post
    Perhaps you stopped spending money on her. Strippers need money to operate. They are like coin operated juke-boxes of love.

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    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    It's kind of sweet in a naive way on her part. She's really oversimplifying, but she really seems to BELIEVE she has your best interests at heart.

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    Senior Member no.speak's Avatar
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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    meh....... heard it all before. I'm tougher than that. You're tougher than that.

    Do not let this woman tell you how you feel.

    What is innocence anyway? I've been raped, I've done horrible things, I've had horrible things done to me...but I still consider myself to be pure. I'm not an angry or jaded person.

    Strip clubs aren't exactly places that encourage growth and fulfillment, but her take on them is way over the top.

    STOP questioning yourself. If you are ok with what you do, then remove her from your mind. She sounds sweet, but ignorant. I bet she saw that Tyra episode....

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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    deleted.
    Last edited by Brendita; 10-13-2008 at 03:07 AM.

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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    Coming into harms way will happen anywhere. What does she mean by the physical damage, I realize there would be wear and tear on your body from dancing, but you get that any way as you naturally age.
    If anything its more exercise than the average inactive American gets.
    I have not stripped in years, when I was I did see many things she elaborated on.
    She has good points, perhaps she is a bit overzealous about it though.
    There are creeps everywhere, people getting exploited everywhere.Touch more on this later..
    Im very sleepy goodnight

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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    Aw, she's just concerned. I mean, the sex industry is not all positivity and piles of cash; it can definitely have its downsides, and she's obviously more familiar with those than the upside. Anyhow, she was very careful not to judge you, her tone was very even, and it's better to have people who write letters like this than not have anyone who cares about you.

    But your friend needs a serious dose of shut-the-fuck-up! What was she thinking?

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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    Honestly, this letter seemed very well-worded and heartfelt. At the minimum, you have to be thankful for that....

    I have recieved a very angry, spitefull, ignorant letter from a relitive (I wish I had the guts to post it here). I would give anything to have recieved your letter instead!!

    The points she made ARE valid....in my eyes, two good responses would be....
    1. You know and understand the downsides of this industry and are willing and capable to not only deal with them, but to profit greatly in money and your experiences. (Everything you see and learn in a stripclub, you will undoubtly learn at some point in your "real" life....)
    2. Negtive people are everywhere! Drugs, drinking, and people with problems can be found in any office or other job you could ever have. Bad things happen to good people everyday, at least working in a strip club you know up front what you may have to deal with.

    Never underestimate the concern of a mother or friend. It's very hard to understand this industry from the outside.

    Stand up for yourself and your job. Very few women can navigate this industry without picking up some baggage. But you don't have to fall into the "stripper stereotype".Be proud of what you do, and that confidence will show when you meet people like her. It may not be her cup of tea, but that should only be encouragement to prove that you know what you are doing and you are doing the job right.
    "I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.
    And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party."
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    "You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man."

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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    LOL what a dick. I know she meant it out of concern but seriously mind your own fucking business.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    I could have written that to friends who work in regular bars or retail for that matter (except for the money part!). Her concern is quaint, but so incredibly naive.

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    Featured Member CuriousSeeker's Avatar
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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    Quote Originally Posted by malloryknox View Post
    What does she mean by the physical damage, I realize there would be wear and tear on your body from dancing, but you get that any way as you naturally age.
    I'm guessing also it was a reference to the physical strains of the job. I doubt that this naive bitch would have written anything like that to an electrician or construction worker. So many of this woman's own issues are so clearly hanging out in the breeze.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brendita View Post
    I still think that working in a strip club can be a lot safer than other jobs. There is security, there are cameras, there are OTHER PEOPLE there. When I was working in hotels, I was the only one there all night. Our cameras barely worked, and were not even pointed at the right place. I had NO WAY of defending myself...anybody could easily have come in and forced me into a room to do whatever they pleased to me. They could have jumped me in the parking lot on my way to the car (and there were lots of people I was terrifed of doing this to me.) At strip clubs, at least there are people to watch out for you.
    I couldn't agree more. It was actually when I was doing what the bitch was doing that I literally came into the most harm.

    The physical danger I worry about from this job are falls from the dancing and the shoes, getting killed by a drunk driver, and being followed home. The latter I worry about when I'm leaving a restaurant or a mall too because I feel very vulnerable in parking lots and driving alone at night because of other experiences.
    "Don't piss off a motivated stripper."


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    Featured Member pinkpvc's Avatar
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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    I worked in a call centre for 2 months. After that time i left work with depression, and struggled to leave the house for a year. I had to give up my education for a year, was afraid of answering or using the phone, and met with a psychiatriast,psychologist and anxiety management group regularly to try and get my life back on track. I am still not 100% today but am coping and working in a sc felt like heaven compared to the daily abuse i had to take in that job.

    Yet i did not see any letters from concerned friends mothers in my letter box.

    There are downsides in every job. I'd guess that drug abuse was way more common amongst investment bankers for example, than strippers. Theres a certain level of ""just coping with it" with every job.

    She does have some points, for example the "they don't see your intelligence just your body" bit. Which on a whole is true. But that doesn't matter! I assume you have many freinds and family who do see your intelligence, so you do not need customers to vaidate this.

    Stripping can be a blessing to some and a nightmare to others, it all comes down to the type of person you are. That is why we often suggest on the forum that newbies think long and hard about whether they can cope with the downsides of the job.

    Only you know yourself, and if you are comfortable working in the sc environment then continue to do so. I don't know if you should even respond to the letter as it seems the only response which would satisy her is "you're right, i will quit now, kthxbye".
    Last edited by pinkpvc; 06-12-2008 at 06:19 AM.

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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    I think you're pissed at the wrong person. You don't have the balls to take your rage out on your friend so you're grossly overreacting to her mother's letter. Her observation's were spot on. That's the bullshit that we put up with and the vast majority of us aren't rolling in piles of Vuitton or any other bags. I don't know about you but even my best money days at work could not erase being sexually assaulted or abused by some freak.

    If we are assualted the guy is thrown out--anywhere else he'd be wrestled to the ground and arrested! You ARE expected to be a plaything and a cash cow who's unworthy of protection. You can't smack the shit out of them the way you could in real life if a guy sexually abused you. Years of exposure to that attitude from patrons and staff certainly doesn't create a rosy environment we look forward to entering! We've got a bunch of the usual thread on people quitting and avoiding work because of the asinine actions of customers and management. Why kid yourselves? It's a psychologically taxing and yes dangerous job. Didn't one of our members just say she was nearly raped by some freak because the bouncers couldn't be arsed to do their f-in jobs?

    Chew on what she's pointed out. You certainly don't have to quit. But it's always a helpful suggestion to re-evaluate your decisions as you go. I don't see her being evil or judgemental. She basicallly said keep your eye on the hazards so they don't overwhelm you and stay safe.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    Quote Originally Posted by Susan Wayward View Post
    But your friend needs a serious dose of shut-the-fuck-up! What was she thinking?
    Have you asked your friend why at that moment she decided to disclose?
    "Don't piss off a motivated stripper."


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    Featured Member pinkpvc's Avatar
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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    she metioned in the letter that her daughter had talked about stripping herself before, so perhaps your friend was trying to test her mums reaction to see if her mother would be ok with her doing it.

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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    I don't know, I can see her point in a lot of what she said. There's no way at age 20 I could comprehend what dancing would mean for me in the long term. Of course, like most of us, I thought I knew it all and felt I knew what was best for me. Now, at age 34, I can honestly say if I could go back and re-do my life I would have skipped dancing.

    If I hadn't danced, I would probably be in an actual career instead of flailing about and never really applying myself to any of thing. I have wasted sooo much time and I don't have much to show for it. Other than the cash in hand, dancing has been fairly negative in my life, and I feel that its a trap. And if I, an intelligent, educated woman, can fall into the trap, then I can imagine how easy it is for those who don't have much going for them.

    I'm not saying that's the choice every woman should make, to each her own. But I can see why an older woman who sees potential in you would be disappointed/scared that this is the road you have chosen to go down.

    And, as far as letters go, this one is pretty polite and respectful. If you want to read a real horrorshow of a letter, I can show you the one my dad wrote me when he found out I was dancing. It was truly awful. This woman cares about you. She's not judging you. She just wants you to look at the big picture, and I don't blame her for that.

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    Featured Member Starfire's Avatar
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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    Are you planning to respond to her letter in any way? Just curious.
    It sounds to me like she's concerned about you and she had good intentions, and she has pointed out negative aspects of the industry that we are all familiar with. However, I do think she was out of line to send you that letter. Maybe if she had known you for years or something.
    Perhaps you ought to point out to her that there are negative aspects to every job that can have a negative effect on a person.

    (So I've never received a letter, but a former neighbor of ours heard I was dancing and called me mom up to tell her. Luckily my mom already knew, and thought it was hilarious.)

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    Veteran Member SexyJess's Avatar
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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    Wow. That is exactly why I do not tell my family I dance. My mom would express similar views.

    I really do think this lady is just trying to help and is genuinely worried about you. However... as you said, she barely knows you, and therefore has NO business saying anything. And talk about a distorted view of the business. There are negative aspects, of course, but not everyone who dances winds up addicted to drugs or "easy" money. There are criminals everywhere. My husband is in sales and he deals with sex offenders and sociopaths, too.

    I don't blame you for being appalled. I would be, too. I would be even more angry at my friend, though. How dare she just blurt out that you are a dancer? I had a friend do that to me at Christmas time and I haven't really spoken to her since. It should be your business, not anyone else's.

    You can "help other people" in any industry. I have had several customers tell me I have genuinely helped them through their problems and helped their outlook on life. Hasn't she heard that dancers are just naked therapists?

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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    If I were you, I would try to see the good in the letter more than the bad. This woman who barely knows, you say, was concerned enough about you to sit down and write you a letter. That's really very sweet. She doesn't tell you to quit dancing, and she doesn't judge you for being a dancer. What she's judging -- rightly or wrongly -- is the environment you are in, and the other people you come in contact with.

    Honestly, there is a lot of truth in what she's saying. If it comes down to it, you have probably spent more time in strip clubs than she has, so you are the one who knows if your club is a safe place to be, and in particular if it is a good place for YOU to be. She's right, you will meet a lot of weirdos and you will also meet "normal" people who will treat you like an object. You, of course, know that you are not an object. Being treated like one may or may not bother you.

    As I read this letter, her ultimate request is for you to pay careful attention to your feelings, and not to keep dancing if you feel the cost to your health and/or sanity has gotten too high, even if you're making a lot of money. That seems to me like a pretty reasonable and loving request. I mean, you SHOULD pay attention to your feelings and you SHOULD quit doing any job that is making you miserable.

    I really suggest you consider writing back to her. Figuring out what to say might clarify your own feelings.

  20. #20
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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    I think she has a good point and that's a perspective we could all use. I saw no judgementalism, just a concern (and 21 IS very young and innocent, especially from her viewpoint). Like Susan said, there's a lot more to this industry than money and fun. I think it's sweet that she took the time to write such a carefully-worded letter, and I agree with some of the points that she raised (obviously not all of them).

    If you care to respond, you could just thank her for her concern and assure her that this industry isn't as vile and dirty as the media makes it out to be. Or you could just let it go. Me, I'd thank her for her concern, and then I'd sit S down for a nice long chat about discretion.

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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    I can't find much in the letter to take issue with, other than it not being her place to send it at all. Maybe there's another way to look at it. She is concerned about your well-being, so much so that she felt compelled to take the time to sit down and write a thoughtful letter. Try not to hold it against her. She was just doing what she felt like she had to do.

    Have a talk with your friend, though, she's the one who put you in that situation, knowing the way her mom was likely to feel about it.
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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    Quote Originally Posted by Optimist View Post
    I think you're pissed at the wrong person. You don't have the balls to take your rage out on your friend so you're grossly overreacting to her mother's letter. Her observation's were spot on. That's the bullshit that we put up with and the vast majority of us aren't rolling in piles of Vuitton or any other bags. I don't know about you but even my best money days at work could not erase being sexually assaulted or abused by some freak.

    If we are assualted the guy is thrown out--anywhere else he'd be wrestled to the ground and arrested! You ARE expected to be a plaything and a cash cow who's unworthy of protection. You can't smack the shit out of them the way you could in real life if a guy sexually abused you. Years of exposure to that attitude from patrons and staff certainly doesn't create a rosy environment we look forward to entering! We've got a bunch of the usual thread on people quitting and avoiding work because of the asinine actions of customers and management. Why kid yourselves? It's a psychologically taxing and yes dangerous job. Didn't one of our members just say she was nearly raped by some freak because the bouncers couldn't be arsed to do their f-in jobs?

    Chew on what she's pointed out. You certainly don't have to quit. But it's always a helpful suggestion to re-evaluate your decisions as you go. I don't see her being evil or judgemental. She basicallly said keep your eye on the hazards so they don't overwhelm you and stay safe.
    I agree with all of this!

    Yeah, it wasn't her business. Just bear in mind that she's trying to be sweet to when you formulate a response. If it were me though, I'd be on my friend in a heartbeat! WTF!!

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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    I thought the letter was very well written, sincere, and was pretty respectful.

    She did not bring up that it would make you a whore, or make Jesus hate you.

    I wouldn't be pissed at all. (And the mom is a great writer!)

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    Featured Member iambonbon05's Avatar
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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    I would be really, really pissed at my friend.
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    Default Re: a letter from my friend's mother

    Oh, screw her. We are all aware of what is hard about this job. She's not telling you anything you don't already know, in her infinate wisdom. Yes, many customers are creepy, jerks, psycho... or any combination of that. Yes, we work with crazy girls. What she DOESN'T know is that you have ways of dealing with this stuff (like, making sure no one follows you home, keeping to yourself at work, taking breaks when you start to burnout...). I think pretty much all of us here would be in a different place if SW didn't exist.

    As for your friend... Is she stupid or crazy or what? I feel that she blurted that out to her mom on purpose because she KNEW her mom would do something like this. Maybe your friend wanted to preach at you, but didn't want to get her hands dirty.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

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