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    Featured Member CherryBomb954's Avatar
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    Default For the first time, I......

    I have a hard time sleeping at night, and often think about my time stripping. I go over in my head all the things that happened, what I could have done to make more money, just all kinds of things.

    There are a few things that I thought/did for the first time in my life, because of dancing.

    For the first time, I.....
    -Really, actually questioned whether I am attractive or not. I mean I've had my ups and downs before like all girls do, but I found myself one night seriously contemplating whether I am pretty.
    I've always had guys chasing after me, I'd always been the one to turn THEM down, fend off guys anywhere from the gas station to the mall, and always, even on my PMS days, knew I was attractive.
    I found myself actually questioning it for real in the SC. I guess I never handled the rejection well and did let it get to me.

    -Mixed pills with alcohol. I've always done one of the other and not at the same time.
    I remember the first time I downed a Xanax with vodka and discovered a whole new world of fucked-upness that didn't take long for me to get hooked on.
    I haven't done any pills since I quit dancing. I realized how dangerous and unhealthy eating pills and drinking all night can be and I'll never do it again.

    Anyone have any Firsts?

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    Senior Member punkpixie001's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    I too have had thoughts like this recently. I find myself thinking that I am not worthy (because no one in the club is spending on me) and i am hideous and a whale. In real life I know that is not the case but when making no money it's easy to think like this. Your self worth is based on how much money you make.

    BUT...lets spin this around and think of things we have gained from dancing. I have been thinking too negatively so here is a list of some of the things dancing has brought me.
    My own place
    My car
    Plastic surgery
    Independence
    Confidence
    Learned how to be sexy
    Ability to travel

    Had I never been a dancer, I might not have ANY of those.

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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    i never would have done cocaine.

    i also would never have considered getting boobs.

    there are a lot of things that probably wouldve been different but who knows. like i can say i wouldnt have gotten my dui but maybe i still wouldve gotten one bc dancing wasnt the first time i drank and drove.

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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    I also wouldn't have even considered a BA if it wasn't for dancing - now, it's almost an obsession. I can't wait to get my boobs done.

    But also: If it wasn't for dancing, I wouldn't have had enough money for college, a brand new car, nice clothes, etc. None of that. I know that sounds really superficial but growing up poor kinda sucked so I am really glad I can buy a lot of material things now.

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    Veteran Member Julie, Julie's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Quote Originally Posted by CherryBomb954 View Post
    -Really, actually questioned whether I am attractive or not. I mean I've had my ups and downs before like all girls do, but I found myself one night seriously contemplating whether I am pretty.
    Oh, god, I hate this.

    Twice in my year dancing I've been told outright that I was "too skinny" or "not voluptuous enough." Both times, I headed straight to the dressing room and cried and cried.
    The shitty thing is: I know better than that. I think just about every dancer has been insulted about their body by customers. And for every time you are, there are 100 compliments that you receive to replace it. I think for the first time, I hold my head up higher, and attract more male attention, unintentionally.

    It takes unbelievable balls to take that shit, and still get up and dance almost naked (or naked). And you made money from it, right? 90-something % of the time?

    Then yes, of course you are pretty!

    They are just emotional wounds which TACTLESS people inflicted on you. You still are the girl that was chased before you danced!
    j

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    ajbaer
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    I think dancing made me feel less attractive. I was finally getting to a place where I was comfortable with my body after dealing with eating disorders (OCOED) and then Bulimia.
    Although I honestly had no one tell me up front I was fat or ugly I felt like they were saying it behind my back. And the girls would happily talk about it behind my back I'm sure. Maybe I'm just mental thinking people were thinking this. But that's been a big deterrent lately. Enough that have resorted back to bulimia. I feel gross and really don't think I would've gone back to it if it weren't for dancing. But then again, who knows, maybe I would have.

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    Veteran Member Julie, Julie's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    ^^^
    Are you seeking help for it?

    I feel like it is about as bad as drug abuse when a dancer is compelled to torture, neglect, or mutilate herself because of her club environment.
    I know that doesn't really get to the bottom of the seriousness of an eating disorder, I wish I could say something more profound.
    But, mental power and discipline is often underused, yet can be the key to begin the process of accepting yourself.
    I don't know if this makes sense, and I know Eating disorders are a mental illness, but if you feel like the girls are commenting on your weight, instead of letting them be part of the excuse to purge yourself, practice using your will-power to say "no, I won't help kill myself b/c of what I think other's think." It's kind of like willing yourself out of depression (which I greatly suffer from) instance by instance or willing yourself to be able to refuse an alcohol or drug addiction, one situation at a time. Then, I found you can start focusing on your illness better and begin to understand how to cure yourself of your destructive behavior (once everyone that doesn't matter is out of your mind).
    With the empowerment of strengthening your mind, a light at the end of the tunnel appears.
    I don't think I'm a psychologist, or I'm qualified to preach to you, I just have struggled with severe depression for years, which brings me to my 2nd FIRST since beginning to dance:

    I've never seen a psychiatrist more often in my life.
    j

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    Featured Member exotica268's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    I never would've done cocaine....for a year.

    I never would've gotten drunk every DAY that I worked and passed out in front of the managers office twice when I was only 18.

    I never would've been tripping while working.

    I never would've considered a BA.

    I never would've been as outgoing and easily able to make smalltalk.

    I never would've had the large drive that I do to succeed academically and in other areas of life that most people would never link to a stripper.

  9. #9
    ajbaer
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Quote Originally Posted by Julie, Julie View Post
    ^^^
    Are you seeking help for it?

    I feel like it is about as bad as drug abuse when a dancer is compelled to torture, neglect, or mutilate herself because of her club environment.
    I know that doesn't really get to the bottom of the seriousness of an eating disorder, I wish I could say something more profound.
    But, mental power and discipline is often underused, yet can be the key to begin the process of accepting yourself.
    I don't know if this makes sense, and I know Eating disorders are a mental illness, but if you feel like the girls are commenting on your weight, instead of letting them be part of the excuse to purge yourself, practice using your will-power to say "no, I won't help kill myself b/c of what I think other's think." It's kind of like willing yourself out of depression (which I greatly suffer from) instance by instance or willing yourself to be able to refuse an alcohol or drug addiction, one situation at a time. Then, I found you can start focusing on your illness better and begin to understand how to cure yourself of your destructive behavior (once everyone that doesn't matter is out of your mind).
    With the empowerment of strengthening your mind, a light at the end of the tunnel appears.
    I don't think I'm a psychologist, or I'm qualified to preach to you, I just have struggled with severe depression for years, which brings me to my 2nd FIRST since beginning to dance:

    I've never seen a psychiatrist more often in my life.
    No, not at the moment. At least not seeking professional help. It is not extreme at this point, and I have sought professional help before, which also included depression and self-mutilation. I went through a type of therapy called DBT. It helped a lot, and I've had near to no problems for 3 years. I'm going to reference my materials and see if I can use those tools to help. If not, I will seek help. They say you'll probably slump, but you'll always carry that with you...so I'm going to work on this myself. If it gets worse or lasts long then I'll seek help again. For now, I'm just staying out of the clubs. One major factor is to get rid of the "triggery" things in your life. That was one of them.
    The first step is knowing where the feelings are originating from. If you can do something to alter them then you should. And that's what I'm doing.
    Thanks for your concern

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    Featured Member CherryBomb954's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Quote Originally Posted by Julie, Julie View Post
    Oh, god, I hate this.

    Twice in my year dancing I've been told outright that I was "too skinny" or "not voluptuous enough." Both times, I headed straight to the dressing room and cried and cried.




    They are just emotional wounds which TACTLESS people inflicted on you. You still are the girl that was chased before you danced!
    Too skinny, too fat.....bahhhh......! It's either damned if you do, damned if you don't. We're either starving ourselves and dealing with eating disorders or eating Jack in the Box every day trying to gain weight.

    But I guess that's just "the nature of the business" Well that nature can kiss my ass. It wasn't for me and I couldn't handle it so I got out.

    I was always told I'm too fat. 5'7", 125 (well I was around 120 when I was dancing) 34-25-37.
    Umm......excuse me??? I guess in a world where size 0 is so coveted that my size 3 ass is just bulging.


    Thanks for the responses, though, guys....interesting answers.

  11. #11
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    I only regret that I was driven to physical violence while at work (by physically abusive customers). Now I'm mature enough to never do that again.

    No self-abuse occurred....I actually bloomed in every sense from dancing.

    ETA- some of the customers who use verbal abuse for gratification in the club are sub-par Doms- the big thrill they're trying to cop in the club is wearing you down and fucking up your shift. Never listen to the "You're too [insert criticism here]" statements. Just mentally re-edit it as "MEEP MEEP MEEP"......

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    God/dess Andygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Dancing actually made me realize that I am attractive. Before, I never thought of myself as having a good body, and I certainly never felt beautiful. I was self-conscious and inexperienced with sex, and I never had the confidence that comes with really knowing you are attractive. Now, I don't question it at all. In fact, I probably think I look better than I actually do, which is ok with me.

    And I guess I've been lucky because I've never really had men insult my looks in any way. My self-esteem, sometimes, my intelligence---a lot, but never my looks. I couldn't do this job if I had to hear that kind of stuff. I am truly sorry for anyone who has had to put up with any level of that kind of abuse.

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    God/dess Andygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Quote Originally Posted by CherryBomb954 View Post
    I was always told I'm too fat. 5'7", 125 (well I was around 120 when I was dancing) 34-25-37.
    Umm......excuse me??? I guess in a world where size 0 is so coveted that my size 3 ass is just bulging.
    I can't believe they'd call you fat at that size. I've never been below 125, usually more like 130-135, and I'm 5'4! If you are fat then I am a hoss!

    Maybe it's a midwestern thing, but I don't know ANY men who covet size 0 women. Around here they like tits and ass, and I guess they don't mind if there's a lot of it. Some of the more petite girls do well, but overall the hourglass shape is the most popular.

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    Veteran Member Julie, Julie's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Quote Originally Posted by Andygirl View Post
    Dancing actually made me realize that I am attractive. Before, I never thought of myself as having a good body, and I certainly never felt beautiful. I was self-conscious and inexperienced with sex, and I never had the confidence that comes with really knowing you are attractive.

    Yes, I totally feel the same way. This is one positive effect that dancing has had on my life, and I'm glad for it.
    j

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    Veteran Member Julie, Julie's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Quote Originally Posted by Andygirl View Post
    And I guess I've been lucky because I've never really had men insult my looks in any way. My self-esteem, sometimes, my intelligence---a lot, but never my looks.



    Your intelligence has been insulted? That's something I've never experienced, hm.
    That must've been a mind-fuck, how horrible.

    Did they actually call you "stupid" or something like that?

    Personally, I would get angrier at that than a comment about my weight.
    j

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    Veteran Member Julie, Julie's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Quote Originally Posted by CherryBomb954 View Post
    I was always told I'm too fat. 5'7", 125 (well I was around 120 when I was dancing) 34-25-37.
    Umm......excuse me??? I guess in a world where size 0 is so coveted that my size 3 ass is just bulging.
    HUH........?

    Those are almost my exact measurements: 34-25-38. 5'5'' Size 3/4

    HAH!

    And I'm too skinny and and your too fat?
    Ummm, who are these inconsistent idiots?

    (btw, size 0 is way out of control) lol
    j

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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Quote Originally Posted by CherryBomb954 View Post
    I have a hard time sleeping at night, and often think about my time stripping. I go over in my head all the things that happened, what I could have done to make more money, just all kinds of things.

    There are a few things that I thought/did for the first time in my life, because of dancing.

    For the first time, I.....
    -Really, actually questioned whether I am attractive or not. I mean I've had my ups and downs before like all girls do, but I found myself one night seriously contemplating whether I am pretty.
    I've always had guys chasing after me, I'd always been the one to turn THEM down, fend off guys anywhere from the gas station to the mall, and always, even on my PMS days, knew I was attractive.
    I found myself actually questioning it for real in the SC. I guess I never handled the rejection well and did let it get to me.

    -Mixed pills with alcohol. I've always done one of the other and not at the same time.
    I remember the first time I downed a Xanax with vodka and discovered a whole new world of fucked-upness that didn't take long for me to get hooked on.
    I haven't done any pills since I quit dancing. I realized how dangerous and unhealthy eating pills and drinking all night can be and I'll never do it again.

    Anyone have any Firsts?
    weird, im the complete opposite of you. guys in real life never really hit on me (except really vulgar low class street whistlers and ridiculously ugly guys on the internet) and i always felt ugly, but in the club i always feel pretty even on bad nights. i never blame the bad nights on the way i look, instead i blame it on other girls getting to the money customers faster or on me not being engaging and interesting, because seriously, if it was about being pretty then the only girls making any money would be the pretty ones, and we all know plenty of unnattractive strippers who make a shit load of money and tons of pretty ones who make nothing.
    also guys seem to have way different tastes than girls. girls for the most part think they have to be wayy skinny to be pretty and most guys dont find this look attractive. in fact i was talking to a customer today and he said this girl who i thought was the most out of shape girl in the club (she has a big belly) had the cutest body in the club. she had big boobs, a big belly, no hips, and skinny legs. he said she had nice boobs, nice thin legs, and her hips werent too big. i personally think she looks sloppy and most girls would too. we are too overly critical of ourselves!!!
    i still feel like i dont measure up in the real world though, but i feel like in the stripping world i am fine, i feel like the real world is actually pickier lol. my confidence is getting better though, especially since guys that i would have thought would never give me the time of day cuz they are so traditionally attractive, actually compliment me when they see me at the strip club. i also dont get the obsession with having big boobs. i highly doubt it would make my money go up especially when so many guys say they hate fake boobs. the girls with fake boobs seem to make the same amount as the girls with real boobs. at the end of the day its the girl with the best hussle that earns the most money. i have AAA cups and never once have i been told that my boobs are too small in a strip club...in the real world though... thats a different story, but stripping has made me like my boobs a lot more and made me realize that guys dont really care about size, they like all types of boobs.


    i guess i was already pretty jaded far before i ever started dancing so i dont have any firsts like yours
    the only firsts ive had is the first time i realized that guys will spend lots of money on girls for just dancing and conversation, that is an amazing first.

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    God/dess Andygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Quote Originally Posted by Julie, Julie View Post
    Your intelligence has been insulted? That's something I've never experienced, hm.
    That must've been a mind-fuck, how horrible.
    Not insulted in a way that hurt my feeling or that I internalized, but yeah, I've had guys act like I couldn't possibly be as smart as they are because I'm a dancer. But because I am intelligent and self-aware, there's no way anything a customer could say anything that would be a "mind fuck" to me. I don't care that much about what they think.

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    Veteran Member Julie, Julie's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Good that you don't care what they think. Don't care, myself, otherwise I don't think I could have done this job for as long as I have. But what I do care about is respect - I care if someone disrespects me, especially if it's based on what I currently do for a living. I don't want to be in the same species as those who think they can treat a woman like trash just because she is a topless dancer.
    lol, some of us (humans) are immune to evolution: "me see titties and not person so i hump as if titties-bearer have no mind."

    I love proving them wrong when they think that they can outsmart you.

    OH! Another FIRST: Hearing, "Wow, you're smart, I'm impressed." OR "Wow, you can speak English," said so many times a week in a baffled manner.

    It's said in a whole different kind of way than if, say, your professor compliments your intelligence, obviously.

    For the first time, I suppose I became aware of just how stupid a lot of customers believe strippers to be, and I thought, "I am really being stigmatized as one of the lowest common denominators of humanity." That was a shit-ass realization.
    j

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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Quote Originally Posted by Andygirl View Post
    Not insulted in a way that hurt my feeling or that I internalized, but yeah, I've had guys act like I couldn't possibly be as smart as they are because I'm a dancer. But because I am intelligent and self-aware, there's no way anything a customer could say anything that would be a "mind fuck" to me. I don't care that much about what they think.
    yeahhh.. it makes me laugh at them. i used to get mad but not anymore. like last night. last night this guy is telling me he's still in school and he plans to stay in school as long as possible. i asked what he was going for and he says "economics. have you ever heard of cnn? it's like that."

    i asked him how many people he knows that havent heard of cnn? but i guess stupid little stripper me doesn't know anything about anything, soo..

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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Quote Originally Posted by Julie, Julie View Post
    But what I do care about is respect - I care if someone disrespects me, especially if it's based on what I currently do for a living.
    i dont think that the majority of strip club customers respect us. you do?

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    Veteran Member Julie, Julie's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    ^^^
    I really am not in their heads so I can't give a definite answer. I have been very lucky with the customers and people who've come into my club/s; I have always (98% of the time) been TREATED with respect but it could be that deep down they don't... I don't know...but if you TREAT someone respectfully, doesn't that mean you respect them on some level?
    Maybe it's my location (NYC being so liberal) or maybe it's because I show them respect that I've felt overall respected. AND, strangely enough, if I feel disrespected I will let them know in an honest way to which they usually will apologize profusely, and sometimes compensate monetarily.
    I had this one guy try to move me onto his buddy's lap while I was dancing for him as if I were a toy. SO, I said, "Stop! Excuse me, but I am a human being, not a plaything. If you want me to move and dance for your friend, ASK me to."
    He was totally shocked and apologized, like, 8 times and said, "You are totally right, and I really respect you for standing up for yourself."

    If I didn't feel respected a LARGE majority of the time, I would have quit a looooooong time ago.
    Last edited by Julie, Julie; 06-21-2008 at 11:44 AM. Reason: grammar
    j

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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Quote Originally Posted by Julie, Julie View Post
    but if you TREAT someone respectfully, doesn't that mean you respect them on some level?
    no, i don't think so. i treat people with respect because i have no choice, or because they're paying me, or a variety of other reasons. that does not mean i actually respect them. for example.. i do not respect the principal at the school i work in. she is a poor leader, sets a bad example, very closed off to both staff and parents, etc. but i still have no choice but to treat her with respect because otherwise i would lose my job.

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    Veteran Member Julie, Julie's Avatar
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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    ^^^

    Yeah, I see your point, which is why I said I really can't say if they TRULY do. But I don't care so much if they do or not, I care if they treat me as if they do, at least.
    j

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    Default Re: For the first time, I......

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    yeahhh.. it makes me laugh at them. i used to get mad but not anymore. like last night. last night this guy is telling me he's still in school and he plans to stay in school as long as possible. i asked what he was going for and he says "economics. have you ever heard of cnn? it's like that."

    i asked him how many people he knows that havent heard of cnn? but i guess stupid little stripper me doesn't know anything about anything, soo..
    Right, that's the kind of thing I mean when I say I've had my intelligence insulted. I don't think any seasoned dancer can say that's never happened to her---unless she really is stupid, lol.

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