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    Featured Member Lady Xplicit18's Avatar
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    Default Abusive Boyfriend?

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    Last edited by Lady Xplicit18; 08-28-2008 at 09:13 PM.

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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    There are so many threads like this. Seriously, look around on Ladies Only. There's no difference btw pulling your hair and hitting you. You're not the only person who 'understands him'. You're the only person who puts up with him. He doesn't need understanding. He needs help. And you need to get the hell out of there.

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    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    Break his legs.

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    Senior Member haleym's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    I just got out of a relationship with a jealous, and emotionally and verbally abusive boyfriend. Nobody can convince you to get out if you are not ready... It is a sad thing, but when you are ready it might be too late. I was completely dependent on this guy emotionally and that made it impossible (in my mind) for me to leave. I hope that you will figure this one out for yourself soon. You know that you deserve better, otherwise you wouldn't question it.

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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    I am going to skip what I might usually write here, and just ask a question of the board...

    Why would a woman even consider being with a guy that physically hurts them? I have NEVER understood this...maybe someone here can explain? Is it self-esteem related? What?

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    Featured Member keira0304's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    Mr. Hyde- it's not self esteem related. It's like getting caught in the woods at night without a flashlight and finding someone else to hold on to until the sun comes up. It's co-dependency, you get emotionally attached to them and they get attached to you. It's also extremely manipulative, they convince you not to leave over and over. It's hard to find the resolve to leave, especially if the person is so controlling they block your contact with all outside sources that differ from what they want you to do. Unless a woman has been in an abusive relationship in the past, the first time something violent or controlling happens, they most likely won't just get up and leave over a guy calling you a name or yelling in your face or grabbing you by the wrist. It's only after the 5th or the 6th time that it's escalated into an extremely violent and scary place, a place where you have to tip toe around them not to set them off, that you realize you need to leave- and by then it's too late. My boyfriend chased me around the house pregnant trying to choke me because I wanted to leave and go for a drive by myself. The first warning sign was 2 months into our relationship when he snapped at me about a misunderstanding. I couldn't have possibly known that it would go from him yelling at me over a misunderstanding to trying to hurt me physically. It's not that women want to be in abusive relationships, its that they don't realize they are in them until it's too late.

    And to the OP. You should leave him, make a clean break and cut all ties, but it's a lot easier to tell someone to do that than to do it yourself.

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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    Ok... ignore those who ask you, "what's wrong with you?" "what's your mentality?"..... it's really like an addiction being with a man like this. A very hard habit to kick. I understand...

    I was in an abusive relationship for four years, & believe you me... it will only get worse and worse and worse. Each time he is abusive, it will be worse than the time before. No exceptions. It's just the way it works.

    My wake up call was when he beat me with a metal chair, than choked me with a co-axil cable and cut my knees & elbows with a steak knife... in front of our two year old. DON'T WAIT UNTIL SOMETHING THIS BAD HAPPENS TO YOU! Please... he would of killed me! If any man is capabale of harming you in ANY way physically, he's capable of ending your life.

    The first month or so was hard, weird, I had never been independent. He (like your bf) has a serious mental grasp on you. It seems hard, nearly impossible to break free from, but it IS possible. But here I am, a year later... as happy as I've ever been! I don't even know that girl I was when I was with him, & once you move on from this... you will become a whole new person. You will feel so fresh, strong and invincible...

    If you need to talk... PM Me.

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    Featured Member keira0304's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    ^totally agreed. it's been almost a month since i left my boyfriend, and I am already feeling happier and am loving my independence.

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    Featured Member Lady Xplicit18's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Hyde View Post
    I am going to skip what I might usually write here, and just ask a question of the board...

    Why would a woman even consider being with a guy that physically hurts them? I have NEVER understood this...maybe someone here can explain? Is it self-esteem related? What?

    My self esteem is completely fine.
    It's just hard leaving someone that you care about.

    I guess I just don't see any other options in my eyes at the moment, you know?

    I know, stupid me.

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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Xplicit18 View Post
    My self esteem is completely fine.
    It's just hard leaving someone that you care about.

    I guess I just don't see any other options in my eyes at the moment, you know?

    I know, stupid me.
    Being alone and single and independant needs to be an option for you! My self esteem is good too, but I've been lulled into an abusive relationship before as well. Really, read some of the other threads. It will help.

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    God/dess CKXXX's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    you dont live together correct? If not you have many choices. Delete him from your phone..block him if you can. DO not allow him into your home and dont go to his. This willbe difficult...but you need to break that final chain

    You can agree to see each other once a week IN A COUNSELORS OFFICE. ANd nowhere else.

    You need that distance to make things clearer.After a little while you may notice that you are far less stressed and much happier on your own. You dont miss him that much. Thats the feeling. That is what will tell you that you are better without him

    Been there..not abusive,just neglectful and self centered. Took a few weeks to deal with not having that bond to fall back on.

    BUt I didnt fall...I just went up.

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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    Quote Originally Posted by keira0304 View Post
    ^totally agreed. it's been almost a month since i left my boyfriend, and I am already feeling happier and am loving my independence.
    Exactly. It's one of the best feelings ever.
    I'm actually thankful I went through all of it (minus my son witnessing such traumatic events, at the very least he was young enough not to remember.) because I am that much stronger, wiser & can read a bullshit man from a mile way!

    Lady X... talk to friends or a family member who have may been in the same situation or something similar... it really helps to speak to someone who has been through it. Maybe even a support group in your area...

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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    You are staying with a man who abuses you because you feel sorry for him. You think you are the only one who understands him. It is not your responsibility or obligation to make him feel understood. If nobody else understands him, that is HIS problem, not yours.

    Leave him now. If you have nowhere to go, there will be a women's shelter somewhere in your town that will help you. If you have to leave everything you own to get away, LEAVE IT.

    These things do not get better. One woman I knew was abused by her husband. Every time she tried to leave, he would find her and drag her back, beat her and rape her again. Finally she killed him as he slept and buried his body in their basement. She was acquitted of murder because it was ruled self defense.

    You do not want this relationship to get that far. Leave now, and never go back.

    The typical cycle goes like this: the abuser hurts his victim. Then he feels shame and guilt and apologizes. He promises never to do it again. He gives gifts and provides tender, romantic moments. Then the relationship returns to "normal" for awhile, until there is another disagreement. He abuses his victim again. He may blame her, saying she "made" him lose his temper. Each time the cycle repeats, the abuse gets a little worse.

    If you cannot find an agency to help you if you need one, PM me with the name of your town, and I will contact a local agency with which I sometimes do volunteer work, and they will find the closest one. I will PM the name and address back to you.

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    Featured Member Sophia_Ashley's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Hyde View Post
    I am going to skip what I might usually write here, and just ask a question of the board...

    Why would a woman even consider being with a guy that physically hurts them? I have NEVER understood this...maybe someone here can explain? Is it self-esteem related? What?

    I don't know with most or all, but concerning me...some years ago when I did it. Here were the reasons.

    1.) It was easier to know where my enemy slept than wondering when I'd run into him.

    Reason number 2. See number 1.

    It was easier to play nice, and know where he slept..where he was at. Verses going to work and coming home only to find him behind the back door waiting on me. In the dark. Which he did more than once. And that is the most terrifying shit. I can't even explain what that is like. To this very day, when I get home I clap outside the flat door (Yes I own a clapper lol for this reason) and the living room light comes on. Just so I don't have to walk into a dark apartment.

    During that time I played nice, I saved up and kept my money hidden at work in my locker. I physically pried up the bottom of the locker and stuffed a safe in there. I saved a lot of money. I never let on that I was leaving. Then one day enough was enough ..and he went bye bye. I'll leave it at that.

    The fear still remains. And I don't think it ever goes away. There is always a way out. You just have to remember that you can make it through and you're going to have to be crafty to do it.
    as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy I'm as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy

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    madmaxine
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    PS He's lying about the cops. As soon as someone else calls to report a "domestic disturbance" (i.e. witnesses) everything he's already done is assault.

    It will only get worse. I do understand how this happens. I have witnessed domestic abuse and lost a relative (in-law) to domestic abuse in 2004. Statistically this is most likely way for harm to befall a young woman- injury or death by someone she already knows.

    I have dealt with many abuser-type males and unfortunately they are incredible manipulators. It is so validating and meaningful to dominate someone else (especially a partner) that they can structure their entire lives around it. & That's why can they snap when the victim leaves...It's an ugly yin and yang cycle.

    Get away soon...please.

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    Featured Member Lady Xplicit18's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    Quote Originally Posted by madmaxine View Post
    PS He's lying about the cops. As soon as someone else calls to report a "domestic disturbance" (i.e. witnesses) everything he's already done is assault.

    It will only get worse. I do understand how this happens. I have witnessed domestic abuse and lost a relative (in-law) to domestic abuse in 2004. Statistically this is most likely way for harm to befall a young woman- injury or death by someone she already knows.

    I have dealt with many abuser-type males and unfortunately they are incredible manipulators. It is so validating and meaningful to dominate someone else (especially a partner) that they can structure their entire lives around it. & That's why can they snap when the victim leaves...It's an ugly yin and yang cycle.

    Get away soon...please.

    I'm trying to but my stupid self won't snap out of the whole cycle of fighting and getting back together.
    I'm just so use to that cycle that it's killing me.

    Why the heck do you think I let him get away with this bs??
    I'm also afraid that his family will hate me if I ever reported him.

    I'm just confused at myself.
    This is not like me AT ALL.
    Last edited by Lady Xplicit18; 07-06-2008 at 10:56 PM.

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    Featured Member Perry's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    You should stop caring about him. He certainly doesn't care about you. I know that sounds harsh, but no one would treat a pet the way he's treated you. Please, get away from him.

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    God/dess UtahMike's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    For God's sake, why do YOU care whether his family will hate you? If they will hate you, obviously they do not give a damn about YOU. They may already know of his abusiveness and are wondering why you don't leave him.

    Call an agency as I suggested above. Someone will help you be brave enough to break the cycle. Don't go back to his place, change your phone number, move someplace else if you have to.

    Get out NOW.

    Also, check this out: http://dailystrength.org/c/Physical-.../support-group

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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Xplicit18 View Post
    I'm trying to but my stupid self won't snap out of the whole cycle of fighting and getting back together.
    I'm just so use to that cycle that it's killing me.

    Why the heck do you think I let him get away with this bs??
    I'm also afraid that his family will hate me if I ever reported him.

    I'm just confused at myself.
    This is not like me AT ALL.
    You aren't stupid. Don't believe it if he tells you that. You're smart enough to know something is wrong and you obviously know you need to stop it. So what if his family hates you? Will you have contact with them if you broke up? If they support an abuser, they aren't the kind of people you want the good opinion of anyway.

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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    You "understand him" because you're so used to him and have become dependent on him? (or at least that's the case with others and myself). We become so attached to our abusers that we even feel that our abuser is the only one who understands us!

    Yes, it's an abusive relationship. You're making excuses for his behavior when you're saying "He's pulling my hair, but not hitting me." He's making excuses too. You can't tell the difference b/c he's probably screwed with your head so much (I've been there, so I know how it is).


    I know how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship, especially when you're SOOOO attached and feel like you have nobody else...When you do leave, it feels like something is lacking and you want to call them up and talk to them.

    I know I'm guilty and may sound hypocritical.....b/c I keep going back to a verbally abusive ex bf(as a fuck buddy/friend), even though I tried to ditch him several times only to be lured in by his charming and "i'm sorry and i want to be your friend bc i care about you" attitude.....





    Good luck.

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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Hyde View Post
    I am going to skip what I might usually write here, and just ask a question of the board...

    Why would a woman even consider being with a guy that physically hurts them? I have NEVER understood this...maybe someone here can explain? Is it self-esteem related? What?


    Sorry for the double post, but sometimes growing up in a physically abusive family environment encourages girls to stay with physically abusive bfs, because they saw their moms do the same thing or they were conditioned to think that physical abuse is just how life goes. Some people get really good at ignoring the physical abuse or blocking it out when it happens.

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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    Fuck going to couples counselling. He has the problem NOT you. Dump his ass! No matter what it wont change and it will get worse.
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    Featured Member Lady Xplicit18's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    Quote Originally Posted by CinammonGirl View Post

    I know how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship, especially when you're SOOOO attached and feel like you have nobody else...When you do leave, it feels like something is lacking and you want to call them up and talk to them.

    That's what I'm AFRAID of happening.
    Like, I stay because I already know that's going to happen but at the same time I'm only killing myself.

    Like, I've forgotten how to let go.

    It makes me blame myself though!
    How in the heck do I make him go that crazy????

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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Xplicit18 View Post
    How in the heck do I make him go that crazy????
    You don't! He has the problem. It's 100% about him not you. He will do this in every intimitate relationship he gets into. He is an abuser. I was with one for 6 years.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

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    God/dess pookie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Abusive Boyfriend?

    well, I think you should never talk or see him again... but....

    If you decided to keep his in your life, pull your hair back into a tight bun when you are around him. He will have a harder time abusing you with your hair.

    I really don't know what to say other than what other people have already written.
    Last edited by pookie; 07-07-2008 at 12:42 AM.




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