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Thread: I need some advice on how to handle this.

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    Featured Member Sophia_Ashley's Avatar
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    Default I need some advice on how to handle this.

    Okay so a bit of a background here. I was on tour with my s.o for 3.5 weeks. I had some issues getting into Canada and didn't want to test the waters again, so when his tour came to Florida where my father, brother and 2 sisters reside I oped to stay there and either work or figure something else out.

    Fast forward to me getting to Florida. My bf of course has to depart from there and I stay behind. All is awesome, and I knew before hand my father wanted to take the two sisters to visit his mother. He's in dire need of a break away from the house (the heat is killing him) I knew he didn't trust the 19 year old brother there alone. it's a large home, the dude is 19 and since he can get into SOME of the gay bars he's constantly bringing older (I mean like to catch a predator older) around. Yes btw he's gay and out. My dad obviously doesn't want a bunch of people from bars none the less prancing around in his home going through his shit. So I say "Look, I'll remain here you guys go enjoy".

    I swear to god. 20 minutes after they leave, my brother calls off of work the entire week. He then proceeds to buy Roxy's (I guess oxycodon or something..sorta) and an ounce of weed. I'm sober, didn't partake. Im keeping myself busy by cleaning the house around the maids..doing linens..and finding that where ever my brother is..a trail of trash is left behind him.

    I'm furious by 24 hours in. The last straw with me doing trash detail was when he chugged to things of apple juice and saw the trash was literally within hands reach (he didn't even have to BEND his arm) and he chose to sit them back down on the counter. I felt like a fucking nag at this point, constantly asking him to PLEASE throw the shit away. Again I state "Please toss that in the trash" he looks at me and says "don't be a bitch".

    Now, my brother again ..19. I'm 30. So needless to say with our age difference..the fact I live in Chicago and they live in Tampa means we've had very limited contact. I don't know him that well. Or how he behaves when parents aren't around. I was stunned. I guess I figured he'd treat me as an adult. WRONG.

    That night, I'm painting and he stumbles in..smoking a cigarette (big no no in the house) and as I'm ushering him outside he begins to 'nod'. I grab his cigarette and put it out. He almost slaps me when he comes to. Then he proceeds to vomit while nodding off. had I NOT made him walk, he would not only have burned himself but probably chocked to death in his own puke.

    that was day one people.

    I tried to hang in there. I was staying in FL for the hopes I'd have a good 4th. Not that Im patriotic but my kids are at their dads, my bf is on tour..I'm alone every year. I wanted to have fun, see some fireworks with someone!

    Day 2 he goes to a Scientology center in Clearwater, I have a migraine. Now that my lupus is seeming to flare a LOT, I get these migraines that imitrex isn't treating. I honest to god had projectile vomit. I'm blowing chunks and trying to get my intern to pay my cell phone bill as I don't have access to shit right now when I hear

    The booming fucking voice of Tom Cruise! My brother is in there blasting some damn dianetics DVD they gave him with his course. Blasting it. totally fucking high and unaware. I get water and go the fuck off. Not only did I just throw up in a toilet that had stale piss and a USED rubber from the to catch a predator dude he had up in there (I flushed while I puked) but now I have to hear Tom Cruise and him screaming on his cell phone to some chick that defriended him on myspace.

    Back to this guest bedroom I go. I'm so over it. the next day was the 4th. My brother didn't invite me out, instead he baked pot brownies, left the mess and me. I cried, booked a flight home and came home last night.

    I didnt tell my dad why I left yet. And I don't know what to even say. I'm so heartbroken because ...I don't get why he isn't just nice! I mean why does he feel the need to call my step mom a whore, my 14 year old sister a cunt and my father a shit bag? He lives rent free, they bought him a new car..

    It hurts my feelings because I thought I was going there to get closer to him. And I inturn feel disappointed..let down and like I met a demon. He acts so entitled so above helping anyone out.

    I promised myself years ago, if a situation deemed unhealthy for me I'd bow out. which is what I did. And gracefully so. None the less, I feel I owe my dad some explanation. I feel like I did something wrong by leaving. I just know in my gut if I stayed around I'd continue to be sad, alone and not only that but if he had other people over doing drugs, buying drugs or drinking I could go to jail. It's not a risk I'm willing to take.

    So what the hell do I say to my dad without being a snitch or making everyone hate me? I don't know what to fucking say. I tried calling my dads cell today and he didn't pick up, so automatically I think he already hates me. I know I'm assuming the worst.

    HELP or something close to it.
    as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy I'm as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy

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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    fuck worrying about being a snitch. that little bitch needs a wake up call, as do the parents (though I'm sure they know already.) write everything you just wrote to your dad because a) that behavior shouldn't be tolerated by anyone, b) everyone else in the family is probably suffering so this little jackass needs to be thrown out if he doesn't shape up, and c) you don't need to waste anymore effort on the little douche trying to phrase everything in the gentlest way possible.

    what a fucktard. I don't care if he is your brother. I hope your dad tosses him out on his keister so he has a chance to live in the real world and fend for himself with that sort of attitude.

    don't enable him like the rest of your family doubtless has.

  3. #3
    Featured Member Sophia_Ashley's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    I know my father is fed up, as is his mother. It's been said. I can tell in their voices they are just at wits end.

    I believe their hesitation has come from the fact that my other brother who is 26 now (whom I disowned a long while back) is a thief and a junkie as well. Which is an entire other story. And that brother I truly believe can't be saved.

    I think deep down they want just ONE to make it unscathed. I fucked up too and had a long history of abuse with serious shit. Which is why I guess I'm so intolerable of this behavior and more so from him. Considering he's seen what it's done to our family in the past, be it my shittiness or the other brother. yet he continues, which is that entire entitlement crap. I'm even keeping this pretty min. considering there was a lot more going on.

    I'm sure I acted a fool at 15, inviting people over that I shouldn't have had. Doing drugs def went on when I visited home. I was a shit head. I know this now. But that dropped off by 17 when I had my first son. I never disrespected anyones home after I had my first real apartment. Being a kid isn't an excuse, but at 19! At 19 he fucking knows better. For sure knows better.

    I just don't want to be that sibiling that everytime I'm around there's the drama llama. I worry about that.

    And he's always been different and I'm not even talking in regards to him being gay. I just mean how obsessive he is about shit, with no limits. I remember him crying for days over a fucking furbee because he wanted it. He literally (I shit you not) lost sleep over it. That's how spoiled he's always been. Which yes is my parents fault. I give everyone that much. But there's a difference in being spoiled and being an unapparciative dick. Which he is. No please, no thank you.

    Example. I sent the maids home. I'm there, I can do house work. I did all the linens...feeling good helping my parents out. And this mother fucker walks in the laundry room and literally digs through all the clean folded shit and tosses it all on the floor looking for a shirt! then doesn't bother to pick them up and says "pick those up before the dog gets on it"

    Of course I did, because if I don't then who the fuck will?! And that's kinda when I knew I needed to leave because he was using me.

    I'm so sad. I just want a family. Just some kinda family where we can be close..do things. Love each other. None of this shit I have sons..who I now worry about being around their uncles because to my brothers it's normal to get a budding teen stoned. I dont' want that for my kids.

    God I am so fucking torn up about this. I'm more disappointed then I am sad. I just want to find a way to phrase it to my father in a rational, level toned voice that doesn't elaborate yet gets the point across.

    I also want to tell him to come home at like 11pm unannounced. So he can find it for himself.
    as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy I'm as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy

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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    well, unless a serious ass whooping or boot camp ensues this kid is going to have to hit rock bottom before he "gets it."

    which means his parents have to finally STOP spoiling him.

    there's really no other way around it at this point.

    at a certain point in your life, you choose who your "real" family is. Even if that means cutting off a blood relative,
    which you already have previous experience with.

    you have a family already, I presume. You have kids, a father, a stepmom, and some sisters who I assume aren't
    shit heads like your brothers are.

    CHOOSE what you're going to put up with, and at a certain point, realize that some shit is NOT your problem,
    does not have to BE your problem, and won't ever be your problem AGAIN.

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    Featured Member Sophia_Ashley's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    I agree. Believe me. I think them coming home and catching him (which they will) will do it. But otherwise, he's a good fucking manipulator and I'm sure would say I'm being dramatic.

    I'm going to try this approach

    "Dad, hey I wanted to let you know I left the house in working order..cleaned everything and made the beds. I also wanted let you know that there were things going on that I shouldn't and can not be around. I felt unappreciated for the work I had done while there and disrespected in the process. I did my best to try and make it work and unfort. it did not. I chose to take myself out of an unproductive and unhealthy situation. Please take my advice and come home without warning"

    sound okay? I don't want to ruin his trip. The man is 60 years old, traveling with a 14 year old daughter who was just victim in some online bullying and a 10 month old daughter who I'm sure is screaming all to hell in this 2 weeks trip. I just want to make sure he does't have a fucking heart attack
    as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy I'm as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy

  6. #6
    goldengrl69
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    Honestly, I would have ratted his ass out to the police.

    That Brat needs to spend some time in jail. Where's his mother?? It's ur fathers fault for putting up with this crap. If they (pops) gets mad, they are just enablers and he'll end up like his big bro.

    If all yall had problems with drugs (sorry cant remember if you said you did) then there is a deeper problem. Good Luck Hun, sounds like you have been doin a great job!

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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    yeah-- that note to your dad seems good. I would tell your dad to leave a message at the house saying he's going to extend his trip a couple days and THEN come home early.

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    Featured Member thechaosfairy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    Look, he'd have died if you weren't there. Anything you tell any other person at this point, be it parents or police, is potentially saving his life. He HAS hit bottom -- he nearly died, even if he didn't realize it. Don't feel guilty about a thing. Tell anyone and everyone who you think will care about him enough to save him from himself.
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    Featured Member Sophia_Ashley's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    I'm going to speak to my dad as soon as he answers the phone. I just don't want to send him over the edge.

    here's the thing about enabling. I'm pretty sure they are unaware of his drug use. seriously. He's an adult now, so coming home at a decent hour doesn't exist these days.

    As far as all past drug use. Yes I was a user for many of years. Which is why the minute I saw it I though " oh fuck here we go". My other brother who is a current user...had severe pain issues, and got hooked. He's never come back. That's again a totally different story in itself. I've been clean for years and years off of heroin.

    But my parents...they dont even drink. I dont know why he's doing this. I'm serious. Like not that there's an excuse for it but shit..god damn. It's like he doesn't know moderation with ANYTHING. Including his uncooth behavior.

    yes basically I did save his life. And that's what worries me the most about not being there right this second.

    I'm just going to call my dad, say what I wrote above. And let them deal with it the best way that they can. I can't tell them how to parent. I tried that prior with the other brother who is now disowned by my father and my mother just enables in order to see her grand daughter I couldn't do it anymore, he stole literally always all my money and even my sons allowances. It's never ending.

    Brother number 2 isn't to the point of stealing ...yet. He just feels as though he has no one to answer to about his issues and his recent take up of santanism without being educated in it, sorta worries me. Not because he's a self proclaimed satanist. I could give a rats ass. But he's using the shit as an excuse to be a cocksucker.

    I'm goign to call my dad tomorrow before work. Hopefully it won't put my day off to a bad start. I'm going to keep it simple and without dramatics. Men pretty much loathe that shit as it is.

    Over all, yes he's an adult..he's fucking up. He just graduated highschool 1st in class! He's booksmart! I don't get this at all.

    And ps all the names he calls my family members he does so to friends and around me...not the rents themselves. Which sorta proves he's all about attention.

    I just don't want my dad to not love me again. Sounds stupid. But he didn't for a long time because of my drug issues. I fear losing him and out on my sisters lives. I seriously just want a family for my kids to just enjoy. It breaks my heart so much.
    as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy I'm as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy

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    God/dess fancygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    rough spot, babe, especially if you're still dependent on conditional love.

    just figure that you're in the right and that your dad wants to love you as much as you want to be loved-- so you both make allowances and give the benefit of the doubt in tough situations like this.

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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    aw your last post....

    I think you need to be honest with your dad.

    Hopefully if he can be so tolerant of a child that is blatantly living an unhealthy life then he will accept what you have o say without pushing you away.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Featured Member Sophia_Ashley's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    Lets all cross our fingers, I'm so nervous about saying anything. Not because of the brother just because there are many others involved. My kids most importantly. I can handle my brother hating me, my sisters no...my dad no.

    I just want peace to somehow even KINDA exist.

    Thank you guys for listening and the advice. I truly appreciate it. Its' been festering in me for a few days now.
    as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy I'm as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy

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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    I think what you wrote to say is very, very gracious... but it not only paves the path for future peace by not encouraging drama and fighting, it lets people know what's going on & relieves/relinquishes you from the painful emotional situation this has created.

    Your dad won't hate you... he probably already knows what's going on and just needs someone to lay it out for him so he can deal w/ it appropriately.

    Most importantly, you need to remind yourself that YOU are their success! You turned out fine! If you got into trouble, it's behind you, and you're ok now, and working on fostering healthy relationships with both of your families. You need to stop seeing yourself as a failure. Most people fuck up at some point. You're past it, forgive yourself...

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    Featured Member Sveta's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sophia_Ashley View Post

    So what the hell do I say to my dad without being a snitch or making everyone hate me?
    Don't worry about being a "snitch". Your brother obviously doesn't give a damn about you, so why should you care about whatever happens as a result of you telling your dad about his actions? If there are consequences for him, he brought it on himself.

    I don't know your dad, but I'm sure he won't hate you for wanting to leave a situation where you didn't feel safe (random strangers from bars, in and out of your house at all hours? ) or could have gotten in serious trouble (it's true, if he had drugs and for some reason the cops showed up, you could be implicated. From what I've just read of your brother, it sounds like he'd have no problem telling the cops that all the drugs were yours. )

    Too bad you didn't take pictures of some of this shit before you left. Tipping your dad off to come home early unannounced would be brilliant.
    ~'A Seven Nation Army Couldn't Hold Me Back'~

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    Banned i.breathe.in's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    normally id give you a big hug and some advice but the part about tom cruise and condoms made me laugh histarically. you have to admit thats pretty damn random.

    but yeah, get rid of him.

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    Banned MissTaylor's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    I think your dad will realize that your brother put you in a terrible situation. You don't need to be around all that shit and your brother should of learned something from your mistakes... and the other brothers mistakes.

    What if you weren't as strong as you are right now and had relapsed? That's a fucked up situation to put you in, for real.

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    Featured Member Sophia_Ashley's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    Trust me I wanted to beat his ass.

    I"m going to try calling again after I run to the bank and get my caffiene. Otherwise my brain won't function on it's 2 cells that it has left.

    Again thank you everyone for the words. Because I'm pretty intimidated by the entire thing.

    On a side note for IBN, yes the Tom Cruise thing was random. I still don't get that. He went from Catholic to Satanism in like weeks..seriously. I was at my dads right after my 30th birthday and he bought the Satanic bible...I came back 3 weeks later and he has a god damn chest piece of all santanic stuff!!! A chest piece! Then he goes to the Scientology center when I get there and is all into that....yet he still bottoms for some weird dude named Will who had one of those red neck crappy mohawks and tribal band tat...his sleeves cut off his t shirt and works at applebee's. I was sitting out there painting while they were chatting and their convo went something like this.

    Brother : "fuck I'm so high"
    MSNBC guy: "did I just say that aloud?"
    Brother: "say what?"
    MSNBC guy: "How stoned I was"
    Brother: "No"
    MSNBC guy: "Weird...I thought my brain was saying things aloud again"

    Classic.
    as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy I'm as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy

  18. #18
    AlexxaHex
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    I'm sorry you're going through all that. Just want to extend my support. I have a shitty brother too.

    And FYI - We Satanists resent assholes who use our belief system as an excuse to act like a fuckhead. He's not a Satanist, he's immature. And if he actually read the Satanic Bible he would know the difference.

  19. #19
    Featured Member Sophia_Ashley's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    ^ Alexxa, Oh I totally fucking agree. He's just using the entire religion as shock value. As if it gives him some excuse or reason to act the way he does. I know better, but obviously when shit hits the fan he'll have the devil to blame it on :eyeroll: rather than take the ownership on the fact he's stupid.

    So I logged in here so i could read what I wrote (my lil' script) and of course yet again no one answered the phone. I'm starting to get a bit peeved and worried that possibly he told my rents some bullshit story and thats' why they haven't called. Of course I'm one of those paranoid types.

    I feel like I'm 13 all over again.
    as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy I'm as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy

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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    ^lol. stupid people never want to take ownership of the fact that they're stupid.

  21. #21
    AlexxaHex
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    They're perpetually angry that they don't "get it" and everyone else is enjoying life and laughing at all the jokes. Rather than try to understand, they lash out.

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    God/dess velvet's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    i grew up in tampa and went to plant high. i knew sooo many people like your brother. i'm assuming your parents are wealthy. i never could understand why kids like that had everything were so fucked up. then again i think that is why they are fucked up. used to getting anything and everything they want.
    not saying your parents are this way but alot of those kids parents were gone alot and they always had so much freedom they respected no rules. they just felt unloved for whatever reason.
    i know this isnt advice really and i think you do need to talk to them.
    i have a feeling they are well aware of what is going on and dont want to talk about it on vacation. of course you cant rule out him telling them some fucked up shit about you. it is probley going to end up with him in rehab or worse. i wish you and your family lots of luck.
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  23. #23
    Featured Member Sophia_Ashley's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    BTW my dad still hasn't answered.

    Yeah my rents are wealthy. But my dad has been retired since he was 35, so for that brothers entire life he's had BOTH parents at home. They never go away. His mom is a really hands on mom, involved with the PTA and stuff. They attend all the functions and are pretty liberal but no bullshit kinda people. He wasn't allowed to be home alone till he was 18 lol.

    But none the less, he sneaks out. the house is big enough you can come and go without anyone ever knowing. He snuck guys in I guess. And that's how the entire "outting" started.

    Everyone I've met down there in that area is JUST like him. Literally i've never met so many Satanic wanna be queeny gay men and bitter lesbians in my life lmao.

    Well I'll try reaching my rents tomorrow and after that I give up. Maybe they know something shitty happened and they are trying to avoid hearing about it.
    as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy I'm as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy

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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    i can't be of any help because i really don't know what i would do in that situation but i hope you get this figured out. you deserve to be happy and have a family and not be dealing with this fucking bullshit.

  25. #25
    Featured Member Sophia_Ashley's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some advice on how to handle this.

    You know I thought about this earlier. Even if like the worst case happens. Where he made up some story and they just find it easier to "ignore" me. I dont know that it will really break me up much. Im on this weird think positive kick lately. Which as you know isn't like me. But anyways, I in my mind made amends, I grew close to my sister that's 14 and held my newborn sister and bonded with her. I LOVE HER. I have no ill feelings anymore with either one of my parents. So if worse case is they ignore me choosing to believe my brother, so be it. I can't keep fighting these battles to MAKE someone love me.


    I just would like my sons to be able to visit with family without odd tension.

    On top of that I don't want someone trying to get my kid stoned, he is 13. Although he's into straight edge and everything as we all know things change.

    Its just about my sons at this point in the game, and my little sisters.
    as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy I'm as damp as a cellar. . . all mildewy

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