I keep thinking I've 'gotten over' depression. I appear fairly happy, I live a healthy fruitful life. I make good money, work very little, have strong ambitions, go to the gym often, eat super healthy, live in a nice apartment in a resort city of the world, have good friends, have a large savings, am learning new things, have many books to read, my bills are paid, I have no debt - fuck, I have a GREAT life. So many people would give everything to be in my situation.
I am depressed.
And it's not like it's debilitating, but I'm obviously fooling myself into thinking it's better than it is. I keep thinking, bah, it's just a little depression, I'll get over it. I know, I'll bake cookies! But it doesn't help. I just continuously keep distracting myself from the fact I am certain I have depression. I keep thinking it'll go away - there's no reason for it!!
I keep wanting to kill myself. Even when I'm doing something I like. I still go out with friends but I'm quiet and reserved and apologize a lot for things I can't control - like movie times. I keep thinking, "I should just die." And the thing is.. I don't want to.. I like everything... but I still keep thinking it. I don't get it at all.
Why am I on the verge of tears every night before bed? I haven't cried in almost a year now. Why do I think of slitting my wrists in the shower? I haven't cut myself in almost 6 years.
I don't want to go back on meds. I'm a lot better outwardly, you can't even tell I'm depressed. But inwardly, I feel distraught, scared, sad, upset.. and I don't even have a reason.
You know that feeling a few weeks after someone has died? Where nothing is really wrong and you're living life again but you feel down and dragged back and sluggish? It's like that.
Should I go back on meds temporary? Or should I keep trying to wait it out?



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