I went to cheetah tonight. Got there at 8. They didn't have me in the system anymore so I had to get the manager to put my name in. There were a million girls I had hadn't seen before. There were probably 20 girls, on a wednesday night. Lolarose was there, which surprised me because I thought she had retired permanently. I recognized maybe 4-5 girls from when I danced there last, but the rest of them were all new. The club has seriously gone downhill. Girls on nightshift that shouldn't be on nightshift. Contact lap dances..... guys grabbing the girls asses, girls sitting on laps naked.
I went out on the floor and sat at the bar for awhile to observe. Then I walked around looking for a customer with an empty chair... hardly any. The customers I did approach didn't want dances. I didn't snap into my stripper self, I just stayed myself, mentally. I'm incredibly depressed and emotionally traumatized from everything that has happened, and I'm shy in real life, so I sucked. really bad. Usually when I dance I become an outgoing person automatically, even if I'm going through things in my personal life, I guess I've just never gone through something this traumatic and tried to go to work. I couldn't even approach customers, I didn't know what to say. It disgusted me, the thought of sitting there making small talk with strange men.
Going on stage was almost worse. I went up twice. I hate that stage. It's high off the ground, narrow, no pole, no floorwork. I couldn't freaking dance. I just walked and swayed. I was really wobbly because I wasn't used to the stage being that high and I was nervous. I sucked. I really sucked. I made 7 dollars total on stage. I sold 2 dances. One for the 2 for one special, and one when another dancer tried to help me hustle a guy because I went into the DR and told the housemom I couldn't do it and was going home, so the housemom got a girl to go out with me and "teach" me how to hustle. The thing is, I KNOW how to hustle, I just can't make my body walk up to them and I can't get any words out of my mouth. I made 47 dollars.
I got there at 8, left at 11:30. 2 1/2 hours. I wanted to leave at 10, I just can't work at that club. Maybe I just can't work at all right now, I'm too depressed and too shy and too sad.



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