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Thread: So indecisive :(

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    Default So indecisive :(

    I dunno how many of you read my Billy Joel thread, but basically I am in an open relationship and have a FWB that I have become very close with recently. This weekend he has taken me to a historic concert with 2nd row seats, spent upwards of $700 on a hotel room and room service afterwards, and then the following night took me out to a great dinner and drinks.

    Before I met my boyfriend, I had a very very very solid idea of how I wanted my life to be. I wanted to be a stay at home mom in an SUV that did things like refinish furniture and shop for antiques and craft things. My boyfriend doesn't believe in the "stay at home mom". He thinks everything should be equal, that I should have to work. That he won't marry me unless I graduate from college- he doesn't understand why that even upsets me! (Yeah, why wouldn't I be angry that my boyfriend would be too ashamed of me to put a ring on my finger if I never finished college?)

    I began to think I had changed my opinion of what I wanted. My boyfriend and I have had some issues, and have for the most part grown very apart. Even though we live together, we rarely spend time together unless we're in front of the TV or in bed sleeping. We don't go out, or take trips. We're just boring.

    I have done more interesting things in 4 weekends with my friend than I have with my boyfriend in a year and a half. My friend and I also have very similar plans, ideas, and goals for the future. He is just great. He's the bst listener I've ever spoken to... we could honestly just talk for hours about nothing at all.

    Everything is so uncertain for me now... but I think that in itself is a sign that I'm not with the right person anymore. I used to be absolutely sure that I should be with my boyfriend- now all I can think about is the FWB. I know this isn't just a short-term obsession, b/c its been like this since Feb.

    Whyyyyyyyy can't someone just choose for me?

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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    ^Your heart has already made the choice. It's waiting on your mind to catch up.

    I know the loss of your relationship is painful. But what you describe in your new man is everything you want in your future.

    Congratulations! It's actually very romantic....

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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    Lifestyle differences are HUGE differences. It's not that you like onions and he hates them so you have to leave them out of recipes, we're talking fundamental things here.

    I think you need to be with someone who agrees with the way you want to live your life.

    Breaking up is hard, but your obviously not in a relationship that is going to work. If this new guy isn't a crush then try things out with him. You'll be happier.

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    How would you feel if he said, "I always envisioned myself as a stay at home dad."

    At least he's being honest with you about what he wants long term. That's saying a lot for a guy.

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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    Quote Originally Posted by Emily View Post
    How would you feel if he said, "I always envisioned myself as a stay at home dad."

    At least he's being honest with you about what he wants long term. That's saying a lot for a guy.
    I think it's great that he told her too, but if my bf said that, and I was looking for something serious we'd be having a problem. I think a man should support me. Things being equal is great, but for me that's not going to work.

    I'll make money for play time of vacationing if I want too. If a guy said I HAD to work or go to school, I'd tell him it's not going to work for a serious relationship.

    Unless she's willing to compromise, which it sounds like she's already tried, to make something work I don't see the point. Plenty of men are okay with having stay at home wives and will take care of her, why not go find one of them and save herself the trouble of trying to hold together a relationship thats drifting/ has drifted apart?

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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    Basically our relationship is a jenga game. We keep pulling pieces out and somehow its still staying up... but getting more wobbly as we go. I feel like I'm just waiting for it to fall.

    Joplin, you said it all.

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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    Your boyfriend sounds like a smart man not a bad man. He just wants you to do good for yourself. you always look at the man in a relationship as someone who contributes and makes your life better. The other guy sounds like he wants an arm trophy and thats about it...
    you have to *Always* think for yourself first! You want to make your own future stable because you can *not* always depend on a man! I dont know what Fwb stands for. But regardless he does sound like a very nice man, you said you have an open relationship- it sounds like your getting the best of both worlds so why change anything?
    if you were to go be with Fwb, imagine if way down the line you guys dont end up working out, and you have to move out and start all over from scratch, you now have no $$, no education, and nothing to depend on.
    this is just my opinion!
    Last edited by Victoryx0x0; 07-20-2008 at 08:07 PM.

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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    It is good that the two of you know what will work and not work for you partner-wise. If you want a guy that will take care of you and not force you to work then by all means you are entitled to that.

    I agree with the op. It is wise to invest in stability on your own incase of a fall- out with any future partner(s) if you are not married. Im sure you knew that though.

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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    I will also flip the coin. Maybe you are so indecisive because your boyfriend is the guy that will cause you to change some of your life dreams because you love him...and this confuses you?

    Just a thought to ponder...

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    Veteran Member BB1984's Avatar
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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    I agree with everything that VictoryXOXO said.
    Are you breaking up with your boyfriend to be with your FWB, or are you breaking up with your boyfriend because you just aren't happy?

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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    My initial reaction to your post (OP) is exactly what TOO said: You already know what you want! If your heart has been saying the same thing for so long and so loudly, there's something there!

    So, what is it that's holding you back from doing what you obviously feel is right (ie. leave the bf)?? Are you worried that you might be suffering grass-is-greener syndrome? That your feeling of needing to leave is not authentic? That it's just that the FWB is looking better in comparison? I can understand that concern, that fear -- it's hard not to window shop, and when you're just browsing and not owning, the new goods look even better, which means the old goods look worse. So I think the key thing is to examine the relationship you have with the bf independently of the FWB thing. That's how you can do an honest assessment. (Besides, if you leave just for the FWB thing, then if it doesnt work out you might regret this decision. So it's better to leave your bf because that relationship is no longer working. I hope I'm making sense here...I am a bit stoned).

    So while considering the relationship alone, without regard for what may come next, here are some things you might want to consider, that might help you to make up your mind and feel confident that it's a good decision for you. The key thing is that when you are considering them, make sure you answer the questions based on what you feel iny our heart (literally) rather than in your head/mind:

    *Is your current relationship with the bf adding something positive to your life? If so, what are these things?
    *Do you feel stifled with the bf or is he helping you grow in some way?
    *What is your feeling about the future with him?

    If you find that you feel it's over with the bf and you are having trouble finding the courage to end things, just remember that the sooner you close this door in your life the sooner a new one can open!
    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousSeeker View Post
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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    Brodie, basically everything you said is completely on point. I dont want to leave my BF for the wrong reasons. But I also don't want to stay with him and waste my time in something that isn't working, when I know that I could be involved in a relationship that COULD work.

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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    Here's my take on it..

    Weren't you two monogamous before? Now you're in an open relationship.. I'm not knocking open relationships at all, but what are the reasns that you went that route? Because you two were drifting apart? If you don't spend any time together and you have completely different midsets of what you want your futures to be like then I also think you've already made up your mind.

    Don't stay in a relationship you're not happy in just because of the fear of change. It kind of sounds to me like this is what you're doing. I absolutely think you should explore what you have and could have with the FWB, but don't break up with your boyfriend solely for this new guy.

    Best of luck to you and just go with your gut. Women's intuition is never wrong Keep us posted!

    Animals are my friends, and I don't eat my friends.
    - George Bernard Shaw

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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    Well, last night was just about the last straw for me.

    BR came home from his trip, all horny and wanting to fuck. For some reason, every time he touched me I cringed. All I could think about was the FWB- wishing it were him touching me than my BF. My BF was totally into me, kept telling me how much he missed and loved me, and all I could say was "Yep".

    And the reason we're open now is b/c apparently he just can't agree to monogamy for too long and I'm sick of not having my share of the outside ass- if thats how its gonna be, I'm gonna get mine too!

    Breaking up is hard to do!

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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    Quote Originally Posted by Aubreyyy View Post
    Well, last night was just about the last straw for me.

    BR came home from his trip, all horny and wanting to fuck. For some reason, every time he touched me I cringed. All I could think about was the FWB- wishing it were him touching me than my BF. My BF was totally into me, kept telling me how much he missed and loved me, and all I could say was "Yep".

    Been there! It's an icky feeling. Come on girlie, you know what you need to do. Take a deep breath, a coupla' shots of some liquid courage (if that is your thing) and sit him down and tell him it's over. Do it, then post here and tell us how it went! And then go out with your friends and get plastered or go hang with the FWB or whatever it is that you makes you happy and distracted.

    I know that breaking up with someone is the most dreaded thing ever -- it sucks soooooo much to hurt somebody's feelings -- but it's also a respectful thing to do. If the situation was reversed, you wouldn't want some dude sticking with you out of fear of hurting your feeligns. You'd want him to grow a pair and just say it so you could move on and find a better situation, right? You have the courage in you to do it. Think of this like getting a shot at the doctor's office. The needle part is scary and it sucks, but when it's over you feel better because you know you did something that was good for you.
    Quote Originally Posted by CuriousSeeker View Post
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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    well, i think i agree with Emily here. actually, in my previous serious relationship, I told my ex he had to graduate from college in order for me to marry him. He wouldn't, so I didn't. But your feelings are telling you that this relationship is not right for you overall, so get on out of there, TOO is right: your heart made the decision already, even if losing a relationship is painful.

    Love it!

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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    ^^^

    Its not about me not wanting to graduate- its the way he said it. Being ashamed of your partner for whatever reason is not acceptable, and I shouldn't feel second rate b/c of it.

    We pretty much just broke up....I've decided to get a month sublet and dance as much as possible in the next month, to save up to move out to CA. It's where I've wanted to be for the past year. I don't even feel bad, mainly b/c he's acting like such an immature little pig right now. (And my friend is being awesome-its just highlighting how much my boyfriend sucks!...he paid for a hotel room for me to stay in alone tonight so I don't have to be around him)

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    Default Re: So indecisive :(

    Quote Originally Posted by Aubreyyy View Post
    Well, last night was just about the last straw for me.

    BR came home from his trip, all horny and wanting to fuck. For some reason, every time he touched me I cringed. All I could think about was the FWB- wishing it were him touching me than my BF. My BF was totally into me, kept telling me how much he missed and loved me, and all I could say was "Yep".

    And the reason we're open now is b/c apparently he just can't agree to monogamy for too long and I'm sick of not having my share of the outside ass- if thats how its gonna be, I'm gonna get mine too!

    Breaking up is hard to do!
    I hope you did that too bc you wanted it, not so that it can accomodate his needs only.

    Either way, glad you dumped him. By reading the posts of him here, I don't know how the heck you had the patience to be with him. Good luck with everything else now.

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