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    Default I need some man advice

    So my bf of 6 years proposed to me last week. We have a child together and we obviously live together. Well I assumed that since he proposed it meant he was ready to marry me, right? Well I've been doing things that a normal soon to be married girl would do....look for a hall (since you have to book them a year in advance) and looking a bridal mags etc...He tells me I'm rushing into things. What?? He says we won't be able to afford it. Um, so far I've found a hall that is going to charge $3200 for EVERYTHING! The hall itself, food, waitstaff, linens, decorations, bar, etc...plus 10% off all the rooms. I can have a gorgeous wedding for under $5000. If we can't do $5000 in a YEAR then I'm in the wrong fucking business! I can save that in a year. So what's going on?? Don't say he's nervous. We've practically been married this whole time so this is just basically something to celebrate it. Does it seem to you guys that he jut doesn't want to get married?

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Maybe as him point blank what the problem is? Tell him you have the feeling something bigger than money is going on in his mind, and you'd like to understand and work through it.

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by kaiarose View Post
    Well I assumed that since he proposed it meant he was ready to marry me, right? Well I've been doing things that a normal soon to be married girl would do....look for a hall (since you have to book them a year in advance) and looking a bridal mags etc...He tells me I'm rushing into things.
    whoa, slow down. the problem is you're thinking 5 steps ahead of your soon to be husband. JZ is right. guys don't plan ahead when it come to a weddings. proceed slowly to allow him time to acclimate to the sticker shock.
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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by UltraViolet View Post
    Maybe as him point blank what the problem is? Tell him you have the feeling something bigger than money is going on in his mind, and you'd like to understand and work through it.
    Sorry, this made me laugh. Obviously he isn't gay so this approach will not work.

    Listen to JZ and MrP. Be patient, he'll be fine.

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    I agree with JZ kaiarose, you need to explain to him calmly that - yes you can afford it, and heres how - and - no it's not rushing, it's just smart advance planning and shopping. Then give him time to sleep on it and process it. You know, he'll either figure it out and agree, or he'll add his own little twist to it to make it his idea again.

    He loves you, and wants you to be happy, but try not to freak him out too much in the process.

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    So I guess it's safe to assume you said yes? Congrats!

    Now as far as his thought process goes, he only just proposed a week ago. He doesn't want to jump straight into the "homework" and "chores" involved in the planning process just yet. All he probably wants is to enjoy basking in the "newly engaged" period for a while before rolling up the sleeves and getting to work.

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Bob_Loblaw View Post
    Now as far as his thought process goes, he only just proposed a week ago. He doesn't want to jump straight into the "homework" and "chores" involved in the planning process just yet. All he probably wants is to enjoy basking in the "newly engaged" period for a while before rolling up the sleeves and getting to work.
    Yes...good point about the "basking" for a bit before all the new work starts, even if the work is only thinking/deciding stuff. Also, proposing is a big deal. If he's having any thoughts like "I hope I don't regret this", and all of a sudden there is chores popping up...that may increase his fears.

    Watch for the "deer in the headlights" look on his face for confirmation of fear. It looks like this:

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    God/dess Golden_Rule's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by kaiarose View Post
    So my bf of 6 years proposed to me last week. We have a child together and we obviously live together. Well I assumed that since he proposed it meant he was ready to marry me, right? Well I've been doing things that a normal soon to be married girl would do....look for a hall (since you have to book them a year in advance) and looking a bridal mags etc...He tells me I'm rushing into things. What?? He says we won't be able to afford it. Um, so far I've found a hall that is going to charge $3200 for EVERYTHING! The hall itself, food, waitstaff, linens, decorations, bar, etc...plus 10% off all the rooms. I can have a gorgeous wedding for under $5000. If we can't do $5000 in a YEAR then I'm in the wrong fucking business! I can save that in a year. So what's going on?? Don't say he's nervous. We've practically been married this whole time so this is just basically something to celebrate it. Does it seem to you guys that he jut doesn't want to get married?
    Marriage is a very big step in anyones life and people like to feel they are involved in those kind of decisions.

    I am sure that if he asked you to marry him he cares about you and your child together and plans, at some point, to marry you. I know though that if this was me I wouldn't want my intended presuming things, and that is what you are doing, by starting to make important decisions without my input. I'd want to be asked about when I thought a good date would be. Where we are going to have the wedding and reception, and other such matters.

    If you run off and start making these decisions for yourself, without asking him about his feelings on the matter, he is apt to get insulted and feel mighty disrespected for not being included in those decisions.

    The best thing to do is the advise you have received already. Calm your jets, enjoy the engagement for a bit, than ask him about how he feels about actually getting married. When he feels a good date would be. What kind of wedding and reception does he invision.

    If he is on the level, and there is no reason to presume he isn't, he'll get on with the process of getting on and together you'll work toward your wedding date.
    Last edited by Golden_Rule; 08-02-2008 at 01:45 PM. Reason: spelling
    Fiat justitia, pereat mundus.


    BTW, while we are on the subject, is it needed to point out the obvious: That it is just possible that if you are willing to judge the worth of someone simply by what you read on a website about them it might say a whole hell of a lot more about you than it says about the person you are judging?

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by rlams2000 View Post
    Sorry, this made me laugh. Obviously he isn't gay so this approach will not work.

    Listen to JZ and MrP. Be patient, he'll be fine.
    Gee I'm sorry. My husband must be gay then Not every man is afraid to open up to his SO.

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Next week, go get the licence, hit the justice of the peace, do the deed. Then you're just planning the ceremony and party. He asked, you accepted, you're practically married already, just pull the trigger.

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    I can tell you from experience that a lot of men don't see the value in planning and spending on a big wedding (yes, I realize the term "big" is relative) When they have already been living with someone for years. Mrs. Yoda and I ended up in a Justice of the Peace's living room with our two best friends rather than spending thousands of dollars on a wedding. It was, I think, a mutual decision...

    You need to sit down with your mate and help him to understand that the ceremony is important to you. Also, make sure he understands that you are willing to bear the financial burden of saving the money. Yes, I realize that you two are sharing a life together but you are going to find that many times the burden of meeting some financial goals will fall more on one person than the other. In my experience, financial independence is a good thing in any relationship.
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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by UltraViolet View Post
    Gee I'm sorry. My husband must be gay then Not every man is afraid to open up to his SO.
    OK, I apologize. I'm not a tough guy so don't have your husband beat me up.

    Oh, I almost forgot, will you post a pic?

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Bob_Loblaw View Post
    So I guess it's safe to assume you said yes? Congrats!

    Now as far as his thought process goes, he only just proposed a week ago. He doesn't want to jump straight into the "homework" and "chores" involved in the planning process just yet. All he probably wants is to enjoy basking in the "newly engaged" period for a while before rolling up the sleeves and getting to work.
    Yep.

    And yep to what the other guys are saying too.

    --- my pov ---

    Also most of us guys don't spend our lives dreaming about being married or raising a family. Eventually we often do end up that way, life often leads us down that path, but even so it doesn't mean we don't have some reservations in the back of our mind. Worries about costs. Worries about increased responsibility. Worries about what if it doesn't work out. Worries about loss of freedoms. And so on and so on. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but he needs time to ease into the switch from being single to being married. Give him some time to enjoy the engagement stage without all of the realities (this is what it is all going to cost) reminders for a while.

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by xdamage View Post
    Give him some time to enjoy the engagement stage without all of the realities (this is what it is all going to cost) reminders for a while.
    The average US engagement lasts 16 months. Give him four months of just being engaged before you reserve anything.

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by kaiarose View Post
    So my bf of 6 years proposed to me last week. We have a child together and we obviously live together. Well I assumed that since he proposed it meant he was ready to marry me, right? Well I've been doing things that a normal soon to be married girl would do....look for a hall (since you have to book them a year in advance) and looking a bridal mags etc...He tells me I'm rushing into things. What??
    First of all, congratulations!

    Secondly, his reaction is actually pretty common. And that freaks a lot of brides-to-be out. Don’t worry. It has nothing to do with cold feet, or dedication to you or the wedding. Your questions are asked by about 80% of engaged women.

    Thirdly, get yourself to a wedding-oriented web site. Guys and gals who post advise there can be very helpful (I’ve done that for about two years ago in mid ninetees, and to this day when someone Googles my name, my FAQs from 1994 that have been ripped off repeatedly by a number of other sites still rate higher than my current work-related sites ), and they have a fresher look at weddings then most people here. I am not saying that guys here do not give you a guy’s perspective, but that you need not just a guy’s perspective, but a recently engaged/married guy’s perspective.

    Fourthly, I do agree with what other guys posted above. Bob’ hit it right on the head.

    Fifthly, good luck! Planning is a lot of work (about as taking a 4-credit class for 2 semesters), and unfortunately, brides-to-be do most of the work. If he is a typical guy, although you should consult with him on most things, have him take care of the following 4 things on his own: invites for his side, bachelor party (but insist on at least 2 days prior to the wedding day), photog, and honeymoon.

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Great advice everyone! Thank you After reading your responses I can definitely see things alot clearer. Alright, I'll get off his back for now.....

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Congratulations! I must he oddest woman in the world because mine was the opposite! lol we ended up just going to the court house cause I figured... "ok lets see how many people call me for a holiday, to see how things are going? what's new..." hmmm wow can count them with my too hands and I have fingers left eh? well not spending money !"


    He felt "but if you don't and I know we can't now but if you don't then one day you will regret it"

    Sweetie I was scared shitless! I for as long as I can remember said "I am never getting married" and here I was going to do it, I see marriage as the ultimate thing, the final frontier, these are the voyages of the starship enter... oh sorry ran off track, the point is I did not want to get married unless I knew what I was doing and that is what our engagement was about. Mind you like you we already had a child together and lived together but the time we spent engaged, 2 years, was just what I needed, I needed to make sure it wasn't going to be something that consumed me in the sense of being all around the whole wedding thing and forgetting what I was actually doing, saying yes to spend the rest of my life with someone.

    Now you have gotten some great advice, and I just wanted to share my story cause as a woman I get the "wait you didn't have a wedding gown" and the wth look and so on but I needed that time to really know that it's ok to want to be with the person who makes me happy forever and it did not matter how it happened because it wasn't about anyone else but him, I and our child, we shared that day with those who actually care about us, parents, boss, we met at his job, we worked together, a wonderful woman who inspired me to follow my dreams, one of my brothers, and our kiddo.

    Guess what? I don't regret it. Take it slow, he will understand that it's the excitement but don't make it all about the wedding because maybe deep down he wants to go through the whole thing with you, the journey in to marriage.

    I hope I made sense if not you can tell me

    Oh and if you need a photographer and I am ever in the W area I will do it for free Now that is a big if cause I'm all the way in Jersey and I have no idea where Wisconsin is! lol But again congrats!


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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    ^^ Wisconsin is great, HHL. They haven't had an Indian massacre in several years now. Take your camera and go for it!

    Kaiarose, let me share my experiences with my two weddings.

    First marriage, big wedding. My fiance, her mother, and her friends planned it all. Every now and then she would show me a photo, and I would nod and say, "Um-hmm." My mother planned the bridal dinner. About the only thing I had to do was show up with my best man and groomsmen to be fitted for the tuxes.

    That marriage lasted five years.

    Second marriage, small wedding with the justice of the peace and two witnesses. My wife's parents were against it because I was older and divorced, so they wouldn't pay for anything, so we eloped. That marriage has lasted 35 years.

    But my wife still gets unhappy now and then that she did not have a big wedding with all the bells and whistles where she was the princess for the day and evening. At the time, she didn't mind, but I wish I could go back and change that for her. We got our marriage blessed in church on our tenth anniversary, but it was not the same thing.

    It sounds to me as if you do not have parents involved with your wedding, so you don't have that politics to deal with. Just go ahead and plan your wedding low key, and as it gets closer, just tell your guy casually what youhave planned. All this will work out for you if the two of you are truly in love, which it sounds to me like you are.

    Congratulations!

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    God/dess Golden_Rule's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by UtahMike View Post
    Just go ahead and plan your wedding low key, and as it gets closer, just tell your guy casually what youhave planned. All this will work out for you if the two of you are truly in love, which it sounds to me like you are.
    Mike, are you truly suggesting to someone that they plan a wedding without input from the other person who is going to be getting married and then just tell them, when the date that other person has had no input in selecting, what they have planned for them?

    Is that what you are suggesting?
    Fiat justitia, pereat mundus.


    BTW, while we are on the subject, is it needed to point out the obvious: That it is just possible that if you are willing to judge the worth of someone simply by what you read on a website about them it might say a whole hell of a lot more about you than it says about the person you are judging?

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Golden_Rule View Post
    Mike, are you truly suggesting to someone that they plan a wedding without input from the other person who is going to be getting married and then just tell them, when the date that other person has had no input in selecting, what they have planned for them?

    Is that what you are suggesting?
    Yup, and for 95% of men, that is PERFECT.
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    God/dess Golden_Rule's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by kitana View Post
    Yup, and for 95% of men, that is PERFECT.
    Truly?

    You think 95% of men, having asked a woman to become engaged, would be totally happy with that woman then going off and setting a date, making arrangements, etc, without any input from them?

    Any gal who did that to me would be so out of the picture for disrespecting my right to have something to say about something so important as to simply the date of when, let alone everything else involved.

    I'd ask her why, and try to have an open mind, but what answer could she possibly give other than she didn't give a shit about what I thought and just figured it was perfectly OK to set a date and make all the arrangements herself without my having anything to say about it. I don't think there is an answer that would make sense enough to save the relationship at that point.

    And no, I don't think that makes me part of the 5%. I am pretty sure most guys would feel that way. Especially the older guys.
    Fiat justitia, pereat mundus.


    BTW, while we are on the subject, is it needed to point out the obvious: That it is just possible that if you are willing to judge the worth of someone simply by what you read on a website about them it might say a whole hell of a lot more about you than it says about the person you are judging?

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Golden_Rule View Post
    Mike, are you truly suggesting to someone that they plan a wedding without input from the other person who is going to be getting married and then just tell them, when the date that other person has had no input in selecting, what they have planned for them?

    Is that what you are suggesting?
    Nope. He gets the opportunity for input any time he wants. Usually, he is happy to go along with whatever his fiance wants.

    Do you think the wedding is to create memories for the bride or the groom? Do you think the groom cares whether the colors are teal and lavender or puce and beige? What music is played for the processional? What the bridesmaids' dresses are like?

    I can just imagine the reaction if the guy says, well, let's have our colors in black and orange for my favorite football team. Yeah, sure. This marriage is doomed before it starts.

    All he cares about is that there is a wedding and that his wife-to-be is overjoyed with it.

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Golden_Rule View Post
    And no, I don't think that makes me part of the 5%. I am pretty sure most guys would feel that way. Especially the older guys.
    I don't know what the statistics are myself. As an older guy it would matter to me to be more involved now. As a younger guy...

    Well I went through what a lot of guys go through... getting married was more her dream than mine. And in my case, she asked me to marry her, but there was as a bit of underlying... "or else it's going to be over" to it too. But nothing unusual.

    Back then and maybe now still, women are more likely to grow up with the idea that their life path requires finding a guy to love, marrying, having a family, house, etc. I did love her and if you want to remain in a woman's life sometimes this is the path you have to agree to be a part of. Still, I really think I would have been content to keep it non-married, with all the benefits indefinitely.

    As for the wedding, I really was mostly out of the loop. She and her mom got into it. I did have some involvement, choosing rings, location, date, place for reception, but they assuredly were more involved then I was.

    I would say it is a mistake to completely leave the guy out of the loop. There is something between the extremes of the woman making EVERY decision, and the other extreme of women sharing EVERY decision. In there somewhere is a middle ground where the guy can be somewhat involved, without necessarily being the primary decision maker or exactly equal one. But everyone is different, so just like marriage, you have to dynamically adjust, compromise, etc.

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by UtahMike View Post
    Nope. He gets the opportunity for input any time he wants. Usually, he is happy to go along with whatever his fiance wants.

    Do you think the wedding is to create memories for the bride or the groom? Do you think the groom cares whether the colors are teal and lavender or puce and beige? What music is played for the processional? What the bridesmaids' dresses are like?

    I can just imagine the reaction if the guy says, well, let's have our colors in black and orange for my favorite football team. Yeah, sure. This marriage is doomed before it starts.

    All he cares about is that there is a wedding and that his wife-to-be is overjoyed with it.
    I think the groom cares what date the wedding is planned for. Whether the engagement is long or short. Who of his friends and family are to be invited. How much money it is going to cost.

    I know I'd care about such things.

    And no one, yourself included up until now, was suggesting the groom got input any time he chooses.
    Fiat justitia, pereat mundus.


    BTW, while we are on the subject, is it needed to point out the obvious: That it is just possible that if you are willing to judge the worth of someone simply by what you read on a website about them it might say a whole hell of a lot more about you than it says about the person you are judging?

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    Default Re: I need some man advice

    Quote Originally Posted by Golden_Rule View Post
    I think the groom cares what date the wedding is planned for. Whether the engagement is long or short. Who of his friends and family are to be invited. How much money it is going to cost.
    I'd gamble that all grooms (perhaps with the exception of the exceptionally wealthy or the cared for playboy?) will have concerns over costs.

    I was fortunate there. She also participated in keeping costs down to what we could afford. We didn't have much money, and we paid for everything ourselves without going into debt. Bye bye credit union savings, but hello to not having a big unpaid bill after the event. But some brides start with the assumption that they are going to spend several tens of thousands.

    Personally I think it is unwise for a new couple to start off a relationship by going into big debt. However not all brides see it the same way. The expenses could definitely be something Grooms and Brides disagree on. Me, I'm practical at heart... better to put a big chunk of money towards a house one can benefit from for years to come. To me it's what happens in all the days after the wedding that count most. To some Brides, the special day is worth going into debt for and then not having the money for a house.

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