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Thread: bad high school metaphors contest

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    Featured Member glitzy's Avatar
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    Default bad high school metaphors contest

    Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.





    Here are last year’s winners:

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl.
    The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another
    city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m.
    instead of 7:30

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

    16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

    18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

    21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

    25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

  2. #2
    Veteran Member LiveFree's Avatar
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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    LOL!!!!!!!!

    Some of them made me laugh so hard I had to go to another room...namely 7, 15, 17, 19, 20 and 23!

    I wish there were more.

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    Featured Member keira0304's Avatar
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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    lol. I actually thought a couple of them were good....very offbeat but funny. The problem with a lot of them is that they're too timely, if someone were to write a book with one of those analogies in it and 200 years from now someone read it (assuming and hoping people will still read in 200 years), it most likely won't make sense, as Nancy Kerrigan will probably be long forgotten, as well as the thigh master, cling free and hopefully e.coli.
    "Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above."

    [/URL]

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    Banned i.breathe.in's Avatar
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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    those are awesome....

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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    .....
    Last edited by Lexi; 05-16-2020 at 08:25 PM.

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    Member czarina800's Avatar
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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    I loved the ballerina-a-la-fire-hydrant!

  7. #7
    MsQwerty
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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    Those are great - no 14 especially made me LOL!

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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    I love number 6!

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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    i keep reading them, and i keep laughing.

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    Veteran Member MissAlethea's Avatar
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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    Wow... It's like Tom Robbins run through BabelFish....

    **ETA: I just realized that was also a bad metaphor. Forgive my unintentional irony...**
    Haikus are easy,
    But sometimes they don't make sense:
    Refrigerator.


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    God/dess Lysondra's Avatar
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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    Those are similies, not metaphors.

    I hope the teachers didn't teach people these were metaphors.


    Look like a woman
    Think like a man
    Act like a lady
    Work like a dog

    - My Great Grandmother Bessie's Recipe for Success

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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    ^^ Was just going to point that out. You beat me to it!

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    Featured Member glitzy's Avatar
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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    Those are similies, not metaphors.

    I hope the teachers didn't teach people these were metaphors.

    oops.
    i copied & pasted the title subject from a friend's bulletin on lespace.


    now i feel retarded.

  14. #14
    God/dess Lysondra's Avatar
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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    Yeah but that means people have been going around believing these were metaphors the whole time. Which means... YAY SCHOOL SYSTEMS.


    Look like a woman
    Think like a man
    Act like a lady
    Work like a dog

    - My Great Grandmother Bessie's Recipe for Success

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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    ^ ^ Don't feel "retarded", glitzy! I still found your "bad high school SIMILES contest" highly amusing...

  16. #16
    Featured Member glitzy's Avatar
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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    Quote Originally Posted by Budai View Post
    ^ Don't feel "retarded", glitzy! I still found your "bad high school SIMILES contest" highly amusing...

    lmao
    guess it just proves how bad u.s. public school really is!



    i got a 3.3 in high school...

    & i have a 3.38 in college...




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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    ^ 'Tis all good, glitzy. Even English majors sometimes add an extra "i" to "similes"...

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    God/dess Polekitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    I love these, I love it even more that they're not even metaphors. These cheered me up a bit today.



    "I don't take a piss without getting paid for it." - Harlan Ellison

    Life is movement, movement is life.
    To live is to move, to move is to be alive.
    - Mirka Knaster


    Quote Originally Posted by pixierocksonthepole View Post
    "tampons are proof that God exsists."

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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    Yeah but that means people have been going around believing these were metaphors the whole time. Which means... YAY SCHOOL SYSTEMS.

    One school in my neighborhood had this on the marquee: Happy Holidays. Please Drive Safe.

    ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    Quote Originally Posted by Helle View Post
    ::WARNING:: stripperweb does not contain the views of any actual strippers ::WARNING::

  20. #20
    God/dess Dottie Rebel's Avatar
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    Default Re: bad high school metaphors contest

    Quote Originally Posted by Budai View Post
    ^ 'Tis all good, glitzy. Even English majors sometimes add an extra "i" to "similes"...
    Ooo! Sick burn!

    I loved these. I thought some of them were highly imaginative. "Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do," while neither a smilie nor a metafor is totally something I would say.


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