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Thread: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

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    Senior Member callah44's Avatar
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    Default Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    Okay all you Dr. Ruths out there!!~
    I'm getting worried. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. We live together and are great friends. For about 6 months now, I have virtually no interest in having sex with him. It's not like he let himself go or something...I thought he was gorgeous the first time I met him and I still do. We get along well and have fun together. We have a good relationship and are best friends, as couples should be,, and the sex was great. However, last fall I was struggling with body issues and didn't want to do anything sexual. This lack of attention on his part really bothered him alot- he felt less attractive and neglected. Since then, he complains frequently about it. Now the complaining has spiraled into this beast where sex with him now feels like an obligation. I am not even remotely turned on by the idea. I feel really bad, so I try to not reject him, but he knows when I am not into it and complains about that too. Often once we begin it's fine and Im into it, but Im worried because I have been meeting random attractive men lately and the idea of fucking them is so thrilling. I don't want to cheat on him because I want to be with him-we have a great life together-but I dont understand how things can be complete if we are not on the same page sexually. It's like I have this mental block where sex with him=work, not enjoyment. How can this be fixed (can it be fixed)?

  2. #2
    Darcy Foxx
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    Wow. you pretty much just exactly described my last long term relationship.

    i'm afraid i have no solution for you though. every boyfriend i ever have, i lost interest in sex. my sex drive withers up and dies, the only time i have sex with them is when i feel like i SHOULD just to keep them happy, and i find it extremely hard to even get wet and i don't feel turned on at all.

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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    thats how it goes with me darcy, every single time like clockwork.

    but on the bright side i stuck through a relationship a while ago when that happened and it came back in full force. you just have to find things that you like about sex and focus on it and make the guy focus on it too. he wont mind he'll just be happy hes getting some.


    but o how horrible those months can be. glad im single now!

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    Featured Member exotica268's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    You just described me at the moment. Well, I've been like that for awhile. I don't know what to tell you, besides you're not alone.

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    Featured Member Perry's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    Have you been under a lot of stress lately? My sex life is always the first thing to go.

    IMO, don't have sex if you don't want to - you may start to resent him. My best friend does that and now when her boyfriend of 5 years falls asleep she punches him in the face, then rolls over really quick like she was sleeping.

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    Senior Member callah44's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    Well Im glad Im not alone. I used to not have sex unless I felt like it, but I actually resent him even more when we have to have one of those conversations about how I never want to, etc...that just KILLS it for weeks, and then I am pissed at him. Now if I just give it up every now and then I dont have to listen to the whining and we get along better. I hope that maybe in time it will return. Im scared I will cheat on him and I dont want that. I view it as a choice: be with the person that I want to be with and put up with the lack of sexual desire for that person or the opposite...but I dont really think this should happen after only 2 years. I never really viewed myself as a cheater but now I can definitely see how it happens...its not right, but its tough!

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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    yep been there^ i hope i find someone someday that it never happens with but i have not been so lucky

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    God/dess
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    i'm not too interested in sex these days. i always pushed my last boyfriend off.

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    God/dess anomar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    My sex drive has been pretty low lately. My boyfriend is very hot and the only partner I ever would want. But I just am rarely in the mood. I think a lot of it has to do with our schedules. he's working 6 days a week. enh. I love him but that dept. hasn't been great.

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    Veteran Member Zia_Abq's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    A womans sex drive is quite often like the tides. It happens in ebbs and flows. And sometimes in tidal waves

    If you love the guy you won't cheat.


    The only thing that concerns me about your feelings here is the whole obligation to fuck him issue. Maybe examine why you feel that way.

    Is it to get him to stop complaining or because you don't want him to feel hurt and neglected. If it's both then which is the biggest driving force?

    If it's more the latter then this should pass when you desire for your mate returns and if it's really love then it will.

    If it's to shut him up then I'd say there is a true problem.

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    God/dess anomar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    I jerk my boyfriend off and give him bjs all the time if I'm not feeling up to sex. I enjoy giving him pleasure and it feels good to me to get him off. I just don't want him to go down on me for a while.

  12. #12
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Zia_Abq View Post
    If you love the guy you won't cheat.
    Oh, I couldn't disagree more. I loved my ex-husband very much and I still cheated on him. It was wrong for me to do it but I did it anyway, and honestly I think it was the inevitable result of our incompatibility.

    I do agree that sexual desire tends to ebb and flow, but I also think that if you love the guy you should make an effort to get your libido back. Libido can atrophy just like a muscle; if you never use it, then it will wither and die. Exercise it, fantasize, masturbate, do whatever does turn you on and try to associate that with your guy. If you two are compatible, your desire for him can be brought back.

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    Senior Member callah44's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    Thanks ladies, I hope so!! Other than this we get along great

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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    Exercise it, fantasize, masturbate, do whatever does turn you on and try to associate that with your guy. If you two are compatible, your desire for him can be brought back.
    hmmm maybe i should try that. i've been having a bit of the same prob. i wonder if that will work =)


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    Veteran Member sparkleeyz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    I'm totally turned on by my bf. He's fuckin gorgeous, he's a great kisser and just being around him makes me wet....but the sex sucks. He gets off in literally about 2 mins. whether I'm giving him head or he's penetrating me. Then, he can't stay hard for round 2. He just doesn't have a round 2 in him and he's only 19. So my situation is different, but we still don't have sex very often and when we do, I hate it cuz I know he will get off and I won't.

    Yek- I totally agree. You can be head over heels and love someone more than life itself but still cheat. I've never cheated but it's that type of "if you love me, you won't cheat" mindframe that makes women hurt so badly when they are cheated on. I can't explain it, but I do understand that cheating has nothing to do with how you feel about your partner.
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    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    ^^^ That sounds like a problem that toys would fix. Either start off with a toy on you and get yourself right up to the edge of orgasm (not necessarily the first one, LOL) and then fuck, or fuck and then let him finish you off with the toy. I've always wanted more than a man can usually give, so I've taken this approach a lot and it does work.

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    Veteran Member angelicat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    That is exactly what happened with my ex! Now he accuses me of 'making him feel ugly' and 'destroying his self esteem'. In a matter of three months my lack of interest in sex ended our 2 1/2 year relationship. But, we are good friends now... I am happier, too.

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    God/dess anomar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    Quote Originally Posted by angelicat View Post
    That is exactly what happened with my ex! Now he accuses me of 'making him feel ugly' and 'destroying his self esteem'. In a matter of three months my lack of interest in sex ended our 2 1/2 year relationship. But, we are good friends now... I am happier, too.
    That sucks! However, it seems that it is more what happened due to your low sex drive than just your sex drive... sometimes that kind of problem can be talked through, sometimes not.

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    Featured Member needtodance's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    Can you talk to him about it?

    "I know i've been stressed out, and not in the mood as much lately, but when you complain about it, it makes me feel like its an OBLIGATION and a CHORE, and I don't want it to BE that, because i love you". If he can cut with the complaining and guilt tripping, I bet that would go a loooong ways towards making you comfortable enough to initiate it WITHOUT feeling "obligated" while your working on encouraging your libido. If he really wants to make it work, I'm sure he'll back away from the topic according to your wishes. Just make sure, if you do this, that you follow through. Like Yek said, its just like any other activity, the less you do it, the more it atrophies.

    But if you can take hte pressure off it, and ease back into it more often, i bet you'd be happier with the improvement.
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    ^^^ That sounds like a problem that toys would fix. Either start off with a toy on you and get yourself right up to the edge of orgasm (not necessarily the first one, LOL) and then fuck, or fuck and then let him finish you off with the toy. I've always wanted more than a man can usually give, so I've taken this approach a lot and it does work.
    Can you recommend a good dildo?

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    Veteran Member Zia_Abq's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    I am afraid I must respectfully disagree about being willing to cheat on someone you actually love. From my perspective, if you truly are in love with someone then you don’t ever want to intentionally cause them pain or put their health at risk.

    Cheating is an action of absolute choice and the results of are most likely going to cause great emotional distress and possible exposure to std's. Because of those things it is my opinion that people who are in love do not cheat. At least not people who value monogamy anyway. Ofcourse not everyone is into monogamy so for them I am sure things are much different.

    I guess I have an unpopular point of view around here on this subject. Oh well. I suppose it all boils down to doing what's right for you and trying not to hurt others in the process. I guess that is easier said than done sometimes.

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    God/dess Paris's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    I think this happens to a lot of relationships. I've been married over 8 years now, and I look at sex with my husband as something that just must be done. Like planning a b-day party or going shopping. It isn't that I don't like sex, it's that I just don't think about it, and it takes me a long time to get into it.

    Think of sex when you aren't in the mood as a little gift you are giving your man. Don't let him know that you aren't instantly wet the second he smiles at you. I think men need to know that they are sexually attractive to their mates, and their egos are too fragile to deal with the realities of stress, schedule, hormones, medications etc.

    So plan ahead for some sexy-time. That way you are mentally prepared. I know it sounds terribly unromantic, but it really is key in making a LTR work. It sounds silly, but I write into my daily planner when I plan to seduce my husband. Seriously. When I get up in the morning to check my schedule, I'll hint to him about some fun stuff in the evening. Then he is ready for me too, and makes an effort for me. Like he'll dress nice, be freshly showered and shaved etc.

    I'd be willing to bet most happy couples have a variation in the planned sex schedule.


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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    Sigh!! This is so frustrating.
    My bf needs sex not just for the physical relief but to feel like he is loved. So I oblige. Most of the time I dont feel like it and ive even watched tv while he was having sex with me. I hate the fact that is has gotten to this point.
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  24. #24
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Zia_Abq
    From my perspective, if you truly are in love with someone then you don’t ever want to intentionally cause them pain or put their health at risk.
    Of course not. But trust me, sometimes you do it anyway.

    I felt the same way you did when I was younger. Then life happened. I was 24 and had been married four years when I cheated. I would never have wanted to hurt my ex for anything in the world - I still wouldn't, he's a great guy. It's a complicated thing, adultery. On the one hand I had this exciting new guy who made me feel so fucking awesome, and on the other I had this stable regular guy who I loved. It's pretty easy to start believing that you can have your cake and eat it too, that your partner doesn't need to find out and no one has to get hurt.

    I'm not trying to threadjack, but cheating is a lot more complex than "if you love someone you don't cheat." Life is very rarely that simple.

    Quote Originally Posted by Paris
    I think men need to know that they are sexually attractive to their mates, and their egos are too fragile to deal with the realities of stress, schedule, hormones, medications etc.
    Bingo. They don't just need sex, they need to feel wanted and desired. Lying there and just letting him fuck you to get it over with isn't enough; they can jerk off and get that. What they need is to know that you WANT them, that you think they're hot and you enjoy being intimate with them. They need that the same way we need kisses and compliments.

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    Veteran Member Zia_Abq's Avatar
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    Default Re: Anyone struggle to have interest in sex with their boyfriends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    I felt the same way you did when I was younger. Then life happened.
    I have to wonder if the age thing has alot to do with cheating. Btw, I'm 33 and have ben married for almost 7 years. I am not so some young naive woman. I get the impression that you are assuming that to be the case with me.

    But back to the age of marriage or serious commitment connection and the ability to think you can have your cake and eat it too without anyone getting hurt in the process. I tend to think that the less life experience one has the more likely they are to hold the misconception that the grass is greener or that cheating is acceptable. Or not to fully value what one has already and be willing to have give and take in order to preserve the relationship.

    I am just not sure the average man or woman can really grasp these things before the age of 25 or so. There are exceptions ofcourse, it's just some food for thought.

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