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Thread: language surrounding sexual abuse

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    Default language surrounding sexual abuse

    This is a weird post, but I'm just wondering if I'm alone in this.

    It really irks me when people make comments about molestation, rape, and incest like: "That's disgusting" or "That's sick."

    I don't have a problem with expressing MORAL disgust and I think it's correct: "I think it's disgusting a human being would do that to a child" or "The father was sick to do that to his daughter".

    If someone was talking about my hypothetical rape/abuse, I would find it very hurtful and probably feel dirty if they talked about how disgusting and sick the act itself was.

    For example, if I told a friend "My uncle raped me" and she replied "that's disgusting" it would probably hurt me a lot. If she said "I think it's disgusting that your uncle would take advantage of you like that" then I would feel supported.

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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    I just wonder if it might be better if when people expressed their disgust, they did so not in an ambiguous way (that's disgusting!) but in a way that clearly places the responsibility on the perpetrator (he was disgusting to do that to a human being!).

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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    Sorry, I've never been a victim or rape or any type of sexual abuse so I'm not sure what you mean.

    Is it that when the person says, "thats disgusting," it makes you feel like you are disgusting because it was you that was involved?



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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    Quote Originally Posted by Polekitten View Post
    Is it that when the person says, "thats disgusting," it makes you feel like you are disgusting because it was you that was involved?
    Pretty much. I know that is not normally what the person means but it hurts me.

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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    I think the thing is that people don't know what to say and are so horrified by the whole situation they just blurt out the first thing that comes into their head. I can guarantee you that no one with this reaction thinks that you are disgusting. I'm so sorry you feel this way hon



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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    Quote Originally Posted by NewMoon View Post
    I just wonder if it might be better if when people expressed their disgust, they did so not in an ambiguous way (that's disgusting!) but in a way that clearly places the responsibility on the perpetrator (he was disgusting to do that to a human being!).
    That's the way it should be done, I agree.

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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    Not everyone can be so PC however I think the "that's disgusting" comment may be shortened speech for how they feel about the abuser not necessarily the victim.

    More like the act itself was disgusting.
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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    I understand what you are saying, but I agree with TM that is just a contraction. It might be valuable for people who regularly deal with survivors to keep in mind, but... well an average person who survives a bad car wreck might be met with "That's awful!" She would not extrapolate from that "You are awful for being in a car wreck."
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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    ya but there isnt a whole aura of shame around being in a car wreck. Poor example IMO.

    It is extremely difficult for a child to comprehend the betrayel and shame and fear that come with molestation. Those feelings dont much change as they come into adulthood, in fact more people have been molested that ever speak up - there is a direct association between the act and the child and well......

    the point is we ALL could learn to think twice before we speak on just about anything - expecting everyone to understand your inability to do so - is a cop out and callous.

    its not this 'politically correct' bullshit either - its just developing a concern and a sensitivity to your fellow human being.
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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    There is certainly not the whole aura of shame; and I'm not sure we were talking about children at all, much less exclusively children.

    I would also never use the expression "politically correct bullshit", particularly when talking about abuse survivors. I have no idea what you are projecting on right now. I just think that it could be expecting a lot of the average layperson to realize that the contraction in this case - that is not rhetorically unlike the way we contract many, many other sentences with similar meaning - is hurtful. The comparison with the car wreck was meant to show that the contraction is a very natural and intuitive way of speaking (and, generally, of understanding) - not that the events are somehow the same. It is expecting quite a lot to expect the average person to know that the intuitive and natural way of expressing horror and sympathy over a terrible event is, in this case, wrong.
    Last edited by Jenny; 08-22-2008 at 02:34 PM. Reason: that was a siginificant typo.
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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    This point had not occurred to me, but it makes sense. It should be obvious that no one thinks the victim is sick or disgusting, but I can certainly understand how a victim (especially a child) might feel that way. Thanks for the reminder to choose words carefully.

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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    Great post!

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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    I think they often don't know what to say. It leaves them in a state where they are at a loss for words.

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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    i'm sure most of it is born of not knowing what to say. Yeah, it doesnt make me feel great to hear those words, but hte most hurtful response that ANYONE can give me, upon discussing osmething like this, is "I'll pray for you.".

    I have a SERIOUS pet peeve against people who say that. Its the worlds biggest copout "sympathy" thing.
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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    Quote Originally Posted by scarlett_vancouver View Post
    Great post!
    I agree. It's not a matter of being politically correct as much as just being sensitive and thinking before you speak.

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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    That was my point.
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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    ^^I know! I was just backing yo ass up.

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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    thanks - I am glad you and a couple others got my intent - and I appreciate the ass backing, lol!
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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    Quote Originally Posted by TigersMilk View Post
    I think the "that's disgusting" comment may be shortened speech for how they feel about the abuser not necessarily the victim.

    More like the act itself was disgusting.
    I agree. The fact is it is disgusting behaviour. But the victim is blameless in the situation so the disgust is not directed towards them.
    It is a hard thing for people to think about and discuss. I suspect they dont really want to think about it too much so they just simply say "it's disgusting" and that's it.

    It is normal for a victim to feel guilty over it unfortunately.
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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny View Post
    I understand what you are saying, but I agree with TM that is just a contraction. It might be valuable for people who regularly deal with survivors to keep in mind, but... well an average person who survives a bad car wreck might be met with "That's awful!" She would not extrapolate from that "You are awful for being in a car wreck."
    Yes, I agree. It is most definitely a contraction. I'm certainly not suggesting that people who say "that is disgusting!" in response to sexual abuse are doing so with the intention of placing blame on the victim.

    What I meant is that survivors of abuse are often overly-sensitive and irrational and this can result in the misinterpretation of such statements. When a person is feeling dirty and perhaps guilty, the last thing they need from the person in whom they confide is to be reminded of how disgusting it was. Or at least that is my perception.

    It may be a lot to expect of the average person, but I'm not going on an international campaign. Just posting on SW lol

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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    Quote Originally Posted by TigersMilk View Post
    Not everyone can be so PC however I think the "that's disgusting" comment may be shortened speech for how they feel about the abuser not necessarily the victim.

    More like the act itself was disgusting.
    Yes, but victims of abuse can't always be expected to hold the same level of rationality when it comes to their own abuse.

    And I agree with further comments that this isn't about politics. It's about being sensitive to survivors of sexual abuse.

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    Default Re: language surrounding sexual abuse

    i would say it is very difficult for any abuse victim to accept that it is not their fault on any level, and that no matter what, they didn't ask for it to happen to them.

    so separating oneself from 'disgusting behaviour' would be hard.

    i get it, OP.

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