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Thread: The Break-Up Zone

  1. #1
    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default The Break-Up Zone

    I'm facing a decision that will effect the rest of my life. This is long and I apologize for that, but a background is necessary. An early thanks goes out to anyone who takes the time to read this..

    I've been with my bf for over three and a half years. This guy is amazing and fits everything I have ever wanted in a long-term partner and more. I have never had a guy that has treated me better, nor a guy that I have loved more. I come with many flaws that he has been extremely patient with. He's made me a better person and we've built a life together. I was hoping the next step was marriage, as he is my ideal. There's just one thing.

    Our relationship is happy, smooth sailing, loving. However, when we get into an extremely heated argument (which usually happens twice a year, I'd say), instead of just dealing with the matter at hand, he blows it up into a "I don't think this is working," kind of thing. Then he'll give the same reasons; "we have different living styles," and "I feel like we don't see eye to eye on a lot of issues." I do not feel the same, and believe that differences are OK and healthy in a relationship. As for the living styles thing, does it really matter that much if I don't snap down the top to the baby wipes?!!? (petty shit like that is what he means about "different living styles").
    Anyhow, so he basically brings the relationship to the break-up point every time a huge argument takes place. This absolutely crushes me and I am reduced to a sobbing mess and then over a day or two will proceed to point out all the things that I think is good about our relationship. Then he'll calm down and then all is well again...until the next huge argument, then it happens again.

    He once told me that he brings me to the "break-up zone" because he gets so frustrated with me and feels like I don't listen. Sometimes he feels taking me to that place is the only way to get me to listen. He also says he gets so frustrated that at that moment he really feels like he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.

    So it happened again last weekend and even though all has settled now, I find myself snapping at him and feeling resentment. I feel like when he brings me to the Break-Up Zone, he takes me and all that we have for granted.
    The thing is, this is the ONLY bad thing about our relationship. Everything else is so awesome. I honestly don't want to picture my life without him in it. He is so good to me (aside from this issue), and I've dated other guys out there and know how most of them are. I got myself a good one here and he has been through a lot for me. So what would you do? Accept this and try to work through it? I don't want to leave him and throw away everything that is good but it is getting to the point where I feel kind of screwed up about it.

    *I put this in The Lounge because any insight from the male mind is also welcome too.

  2. #2
    God/dess pookie's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    maybe go to a counselor, they will give you better ideas for communication




  3. #3
    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    We actually have discussed that and we're both all for it. The cost of it is what's inhibiting us to do it.

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    God/dess pookie's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    is group counseling cheaper?




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    Featured Member snoopy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    have you discussed this "break up" strategy of his with him? don't "confront him" with it but openly discuss it. his "break up" maneuver is a "nuclear attack" strategy when something tactical/conventional might be better used.

    if you guys do end up marrying, pulling the "divorce card" isn't something to be taken lightly. he needs to understand that that's basically what he's doing by going to the "nuke" option just to get your 'attention'.

    but i also don't think you should 'throw it away' just because of that one aspect. in a fashion, you'd just be doing the same thing as he is. get some 3rd party/counseling if you get the chance but open/candid/caring communication is the first step.

  6. #6
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    If he's such a great guy, then he will understand when you point out how immature and manipulative it is to hurt you this way. He pulls the breakup card not because it gets you to "listen," but because it gets you to stop saying whatever he doesn't want to hear. It puts the focus on you personally and on the relationship, rather than whatever he did wrong or whatever he can't handle. It's an instant argument killer and apparently it works.

    If he loves you and wants to build a life with you, then he is going to have to start working toward that end. Keeping the relationship on a precarious teetering seesaw isn't healthy for either one of you. So yeah, if he cares about you, then he'll understand and knock it off. If he doesn't, then he's not the great guy you think he is.

  7. #7
    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    Yeah I have discussed his "strategy" with him, before. That is the only reason why I know he does it out of frustration and anger. We just went for a walk and I said everything in Yek's post to him, because I think it hit the nail on the head on so many different points.
    Snoopy, I definitely don't want to throw it away. I can tell he doesn't either but he would never lie to me..he honestly doesn't know if he will do it again. However if he does this one more time, I am done. He knows this and I told him I'd give him some time to think if he could break this habit.

  8. #8
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    BTW, many years ago in another life, K used to do this. My initial response to your post was, "Fine, let his ass go!" But I understand how you feel because I've been there.

    K would get frustrated with other issues we had and pull this card over such petty issues as "you don't like Pearl Jam and I do." It did get to breaking-up point. We had a very public, very humiliating breakup back in 2005. It hurt like hell, but after a couple weeks of mourning I moved on. K regretted the breakup immediately, but it was a month or so before he worked up the nerve to admit to me that he'd fucked up badly and he hated his life without me in it. I took him back on the condition that we were absolutely DONE if there was another issue with the relationship. We haven't had a fight or a problem since, we're crazy in love with each other, we're getting married, and I couldn't be happier to be spending the next 75 years (G-d willing) with this man. So this *is* a fixable issue if he loves you enough to fix it.

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    Featured Member Sveta's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    I agree with Yek...it's not about the relationship, it's about him trying to shut you up so he doesn't have to hear about or face any of his shortcomings. My guess is that he doesn't actually want to break up with you; he's just holding that over your head every time because IT WORKS.
    He's got you trained, and all he has to do is threaten to leave you--you'll break down, and he wins. Every time. Why would he change what works for him?

    I'd call his bluff the next time he does that. "If that's really how you feel, then OK--we're done."

    If you're strong enough to follow through on that (i.e. actually cutting off all contact, not breaking down and calling him a few hours or days later), he'll most likely realize just what a huge mistake it was to threaten you with ending the relationship every time you argued, and will come crawling back having learned a lesson.

    If he doesn't, then as hard as it is to imagine right now...maybe it's for the best.
    ~'A Seven Nation Army Couldn't Hold Me Back'~

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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    In order to restore the balance of power and get rid of your negative feelings for him, you're going to have to have a "mock break-up." That's where you blow up and tell him all the stuff that bothers you about him and that you're leaving and that you've had enough of his bullshit. He's done it to you many times and now it's your turn to pull the same thing.

    Of course, you have no real intention of really breaking up permanently, but you have to do it for this relationship to survive. If he really cares for you, then you'll get back together rather quickly.

    A "mock break-up" can last for 15 minutes or 15 days. You'll feel like a million bucks when you do it and the relationship can start fresh. Don't tell him it's a "mock break-up" either. Act like you really mean it. And don't start crying to him that you didn't mean it and you'll never leave him, blah, blah, blah. No, restore the balance of power and quit kissing his ass.

    I've had this happen before and the outcome is a stronger and more healthy relationship. There's going to be roadbumps in the relationship, it ain't always going to be smooth sailing. Even people who've have 50-year marriages have had "mock break-ups." Be strong and do it when the opportunity arises just to clear the air. He dumps his negative feelings every 6 months and now it's time for you to do the same.
    Last edited by Bob Cox; 08-24-2008 at 10:20 AM. Reason: F'd up sentence structure

  11. #11
    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    These responses are really helpful. The things some of you are saying it's like ..that's exactly how it is.

    A piece of me wishes that I did pull the mock break-up this time, and just watched the outcome. I don't think he would have gone through with it..maybe I am wrong. This most recent episode happy last weekend, and now the dust has pretty much settled. Like I said, we did discuss it last night and I admitted feelings of resentment, sadness, and lingering doubt about our relationship. I think it floored him when I told him that this behavior was manipulative in the way that it does take the focus off of his shortcomings and puts it all on me and the relationship, because he did not say anything to that.

    He is sticking with his reasoning of "when we argue like that, I feel like don't want to be with you." He says he gets a feeling like he's fallen out of love with me when we go at it like that, and breaking up seems like the thing to do. I told him that I don't feel a burning passion for him either when we argue...so get over it, you know?

    I told him that I just can't be brought to that point by him anymore. I asked him if he feels like he's going to take me there again, and told him that if he feels he will, we're done. He asked me if we could take our vacation this week (we're going to Oregon to see family and relax), see how it goes, and then he'll feel like he has a more solid grasp on things to provide and answer that he knows will effect the rest of our relationship.

    I guess it is better that all this is happening now instead of 10 years down the road, but it definitely sucks. Thank you guys for contributing to this thread, I know it's embarrassingly emotional

  12. #12
    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    Call his bluff. The next time he pulls this shit, say "Ok, if it's not working, it's not working" and MEAN IT. He's either 1. emotionally abusing you by threatening a break up every time something doesn't go his way and he needs to cut that shit out or 2. really wants to break up.

    He's playing the game of who needs who the most, and you keep losing because you CARE too much when he pulls this childish BS. Like any petty disagreement is grounds for splitting

  13. #13
    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    Exactly, VS. If we manage to work through this and he does this EVER again, I am leaving, point blank. By that time it won't even be a "mock breakup," I'll just be done.
    In the meantime, he seems to be fixed on working things out. We're going to take the vacation to Oregon later in the week and then touch base after we get back. I just know that I can't do this over and over, so I'm hoping he'll tell me that this is a behavior that he is willing to chuck out for the sake of the relationship. We'll see..

  14. #14
    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    ^ You need to watch (or re-watch) "When Harry Met Sally". I love that movie, and it really puts into perspective that when you meet the person who's right for you, it's easy and natural.

  15. #15
    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    I never really watched that entire movie..
    ::puts it on netflix:::

  16. #16
    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    ^ seriously, you have to watch it. That movie makes me cry like a bitch and laugh hysterically.

    Sally's previous relationship is with a guy who can't commit to her, then they break up, and the next girl he meets, he commits to her - "Her name is Kimberly, she's a paralegal! She's supposed to be his transition person, she's not supposed to be the one!" LOLZ

    Harry's previous relationship (marriage) is with a woman who commits to him because it seems like the right thing to do, then years after they're married she leaves him for someone she has real passion for, some bald guy named Ira - "Then you get caught singing Surry With The Fringe On Top in front of Ira!"

    Anyways, Harry and Sally start out as friends, then they figure things out together and end up living happily ever after.

    Seriously. WATCH.

  17. #17
    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Break-Up Zone

    This movie sounds great, I can't believe I haven't watched it in it's entirety.

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