I'm completely overwhelmed, and so much so that I've spent a majority of the day crying into my cat's fur. She is not so pleased.
On Friday I'll be moving into my new home. This is a huge deal (not that moving never is) I've been complaining since I sold my home in 2004 to move to Chicago. I left a 4,200 Sq ft home for a shabby 700 sq ft apartment in the city. I had to sell most of what I owned when i moved here, since it obviously wouldn't fit. Then when I moved into my apartment, the man I moved here for (yes I know) dumped me. Obviously things happen for a reason. I got into some issues with the IRS so they would have put a lein on the home and I met the man I'm with now. Either way, I missed the beauty of my place. Something I had to show all for all the years of sex work. When I got rid of it, I pretty much had nothing other than stories.
Now, I have a 1800 sq ft place awaiting me. Granted I hate the colors, and those can change. I dont feel as happy as I think I should. And that is bothering me. On top of that, I have only a few people to help (which I am grateful for) so I have to sell off and get rid of many items that I have. I simply can't afford a moving company or the energy in moving bulky antiques down 3 flights of stairs. This is breaking my heart. the furniture I'm getting rid of was my grandmother and grandfathers wedding furniture. It's an art deco set that's a vanity and a dresser. She gave it to me 8 years ago, with a word of honor that I'd hold onto it. My grandmother used to sit at that vanity and apply her makeup and dream up how she'd become an actress and my grandfather kept his cufflinks in the top drawer. Now, some stranger will have these pieces and it breaks my heart.
I'm getting rid of the kitchen table and chairs and our beds. The kids have a bunk bed in a box and two dressers also in a box (Ikea) but no mattresses once I give away the one that's in their room now. So I've been eagerly searching the net for any that seem clean enough.
I've been working when I can and between moving costs and having to pay off utilities so I can move I am flat broke. I mean really broke. I have to make sure over a grand a month goes into my WAMU acct so the IRS can take it out. Right now, as we speak...I need 4200 to save my ass.
Work has been dead. So I've been looking for alt. ways to earn cash. Modeling assignments, selling things in my home and seeking out lines of credit. None of which are truly panning out. Everyone is hurting right now due to the impending recession, but also my credit is gone. Thanks to the IRS.
I'm working tomorrow thru Friday night. I have to take Saturday-Monday off to move my things and also to get the kids settled. They start home school Tuesday the 2nd.
I still don't have their desks!
On top of all this, my eldest of the brothers will have a son in 24 hours. I may very well never meet this little guy and it is killing me. I am the eldest of 5 and yet I feel virtually alone.
And here in Chicago I pretty much am. Some of that is my own fault but I also made friends with some rather tacky ass people and when my lifestyle changed so did friendships. It's for the best but I miss the company.
I know it's possible to earn that 4200 at work this week. I mean it's dead as fuck but if I really got lucky each night then yes it could very well happen.
I still am worried about what my kids will sleep on, my plates for my car and well..that damn car payment!
My anxiety is getting to me, so I'm just crying. I no longer believe in taking pharmies for issues and have turned to dealing with my problems rather than numbing them or avoiding them with xanax etc. It's a bit trying.
I've read books ranging from Scientology to Zen. I'm searching for any and all ways to just give me hope. Not that I"m looking for religion, because I am not. But, I am looking for serenity.
All I truly want ...is to know their desks, their beds and life will all be there and okay.
What the hell do I do to motivate myself and quit crying? I don't know how to deal with it any other way. coping has never been a strong skill of mine.



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All I can say is when you're in doubt, look at your children's faces. They are depending on you to take care of them and THEY for all tense and purposes know you can do it. So you need to make sure to remind yourself that you can.
And go have a coffee date with Hello_Kitty, she's fricken awesome.


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