Dear Keira,
I don't post a lot, because I have always believed if you can't make it better, don't make it worse.
Sweetie, I read a lot on here regardless of my post count, being an insomniac is good for something sometimes.
My heart goes out to you for the things you have gone through in last few months. It isn't easy in life, no one ever said it was supposed to be.
I'm perpetually sticking up for the under dogs in life, always have. Probably always will.
I am not going to attack you or call you stupid. You aren't stupid. Quite frankly I think you are scared, lonely and depressed, and stressed. that is a bad combination for anyone, and given your age it is even worse.
I would wager you haven't been sleeping well and have cried a lot. You seem angry. Angry at what...I guess is yourself and your higher power.
I'm going to share with you some thing I rarely talk about. But I live with it daily and no it isn't fair that good people get the shaft, but we do. All I have is my faith and my husband.
I have 2 beautiful little girls ages 6 and 11. The 11 year old was a twin, her sister died shortly after being born.
I have had to deal with my mother ripping custody from me while I was on Active reserve status in the Navy 4 years ago. 35,000 bucks later i still barely get to see my girls and they live 10 miles away from me.
I can barely stand to have pictures of them on my wall or hear other people talk about their kids. It hurts. Hurts a lot. But my kids love me and every minute that I get to see them is more precious than the air I breathe.
I would lay down and die if I thought it would keep them from aching for me as I ache for them. But the anger, I had to let go. It was killing me softly and slowly. Eating away everything I still had. My health, my marriage, my friendships, my soul.
I pray for you, and have since the abusive relationship and outcome you have gone through.
I lived through a very abusive relationship and buried a child 11 year ago. It isn't easy and sometimes I think life is trying to kill me.
Something else few people know is that recently it has come out that my ex-husband RAPED both of our girls on one of his visits with them. My 6 year old has a ruptured ovary from it and it was removed. Kiera, she is 6, her chances of having kids is pretty much gone.
My family is falling apart around me, the courts decided not to indict because of "lack of evidence" the 6 year old the court ruled was too young to testify, the oldest is AS, and they decided she wasn't credible.
My kids are in therapy, i am in therapy. My girls have horrible flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks.
Me, I'd kill the SOB if it weren't for the fact that they need me.
I won't not listen or stop reading your posts, but honey, sometimes what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
If you concentrate on the negative, you will get only negative.
If you focus on the small stuff you will lose yourself, and it will be even harder to find yourself.
I didn't share this for pity or sympathy, I shared this because sometimes it helps to know you aren't alone in fighting demons some of your own making and some not of your own making.
I hope this helps. And if it didn't, I hope it doesn't hurt.
But for whatever it is worth. I love you flaws and all as a memeber of the human race.
"No man is an island unto himself, what affects one affects us all"
Winterrose





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