I do not understand what is going on. Three years ago some nasty shit went down and I lost my appetite completely.
I was famous in college for having a gigantic appetite, they called me 'Djoser the Voracious', for real (well except it was my real name not 'Djoser').
I could eat three times as much as the biggest guy in my frat house, and I weighed all of 145 lbs., it was ridiculous.
But now, though I gained back my appetite somewhat since three years ago, it has gotten worse again. Ever since back then, if anything bad happened so I was stressed or I got sick, I would stop eating. Then slowly get it back, especially if I was working out which I usually do.
Well since I got really sick for most of March, it's fucking gone. As bad as 3 years ago gone.
Sometimes it's so bad I dream about food and wake up because I bit the inside of my mouth. Sometimes it's so bad I can literally feel my body eating itself. I can feel the physical pangs of hunger quite literally, but I don't want to eat anything. I feel like if I wanted to I could literally starve myself to death pretty easily, like you read about some fanatic political prisoners doing. Except of course I really don't want to fucking die, so I make myself eat as much as possible--but sometimes it's very difficult to do. Unless I am working out but that usually only works that night later, not the next day like it always used to.
I feel like one of those fucking yoga guys who can fast for days on end, but I don't want to wind up looking like that.
I keep going to the store and buying whatever I want, steaks, you name it, and I have to throw a lot of it away because it sits there and goes bad. Throwing away steaks?! I have thrown away far more food in the last three years than in the rest of my entire life.
And what's up with the fucking calories?? I look at the labels of foods and try to max out on the calories, but so much of the food really doesn't have that many. Like a Stouffers 20 oz. 3-cheese lasagna has only 660 calories! And it's supposed to serve two people??!! I would have to eat three of them to get the minimum 2,000 calories a day. I don't eat any McDonalds or any of that shit but how on earth does anyone ever get fat otherwise?? Why are so many people fat, I just don't get it? Is it sugar calories? Because I won't eat that shit...
Right now I am still 10 pounds underweight ever since march. Every time I start to gain some back, always from working out like crazy, I fucking get sick again and I can't work out and the appetite hits fucking zero again. I mean I would have killed to look like I do when I was in my 20's, the old boxing guy at the gym tells me I am better than ever, but I am a vain motherfucker and it's pissing me off--plus if I was eating better I would be better still.
Anyway sorry I suppose I am ranting, but it really is strange the way appetite works.



Reply With Quote



Bookmarks