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Thread: we broke up because of my regular!

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    Veteran Member jessica_rabbit's Avatar
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    Default we broke up because of my regular!

    Has anyone else ever ended a relationship over a regular before? I keep thinking that this is so crazy, but I've never been in this situation before.

    So here are the details. I've had this amazing regular since last August. He comes in every thursday night without fail and spends $500 on me. For xmas he bought me a flat screen tv. For my birthday he bought me an apple laptop. We've gone out to dinner occasionally and he'll take me shopping or pay to get my hair done. He calls and texts a lot and is pretty clearly in love with me. But he knows and respects my boundaries and has never initiated a sexual relationship outside of a few dances at the club. At this point I consider him a friend and he's been to my house to help out with some big jobs outside (cleaning out my garage, building a chicken coop, clearing a few acres of land, installing electrical work outside, etc.)

    Meanwhile I'd gotten into a relationship around May. Well, we'd been seeing each other a few months prior, but I'd say we got serious around May. I was absolutely crazy about this guy. We had kind of a rocky relationship, but we had a lot of good times and a lot of great sex. But the more he learned about this regular of mine, the more upset he got. I can understand his point but I was reluctant to give up such a good thing. When he forbid me to see my regular outside the club I agreed I wouldn't. That was my mistake. I should have put my foot down and been honest. But I didn't want to fight and possibly lose this guy. And now it's all blown up in my face.

    He found out I'd been out with my regular and flipped out. It was a pretty ugly scene. He never got violent, but it was pretty bad nonetheless. I feel terribly guilty and sorry for lying to him, but it's basically too late. And I'm not sure things would be different if I had been honest. We still wouldn't have worked out because I wasn't going to dump my regular.

    So am I crazy for choosing a regular over a boyfriend? I really cared about this guy but I'm still scarred from a past relationship. It seems like the smarter thing to do to choose financial security over a relationship that might end badly and leave you with nothing in the end. But it still hurts. Thoughts, anyone?

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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    I don't mean to sound insensitive but HELL NO you weren't wrong! Fer chrissake he should understand this guy is a client not an extra boyfriend. If you said he caught you in bed--I'd see his point.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    I can understand how he felt actually. If it was just ITC fair enough. But outside the club like that even tho no sex is involved is pretty much like escorting. My bf would draw the line there too but I wouldnt do it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
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    You're still a vagina.
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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    If you keep thinking like that you are gonna waste all your time for 2k a month and some piddly favors and miss out on finding an actual love. You doomed the relationship from the start. When you lie, to try to get your cake and eat it too , you are wasting his time and yours. I'm glad he found out. You need to be honest.

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    Senior Member moll_flanders's Avatar
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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    That's a shame. Breakups are no fun.

    Well, I'm all about choosing financial security over most things. There are two ways you could look at it. It could be financial security vs. true love and life partnership, and in that case I'd say you were crazy to choose your regular. Or it could be, as you said, financial security vs. a relationship that might end anyway. Based on how you described your relationship, it sounds like the latter to me. "Rocky" isn't good, and it also says a lot that you guys couldn't come to terms over this issue without him issuing ultimatums and you lying. This issue is trifling compared to stuff you would face if you were together for years and years.

    Of course, the regular probably won't last forever either. But at least you will walk away richer. And other guys will come along. (Just - no more lying, yah?)

    P.S. Jeez, I hope this post makes sense. It is 2:30 in the morning and I really need to go to bed!

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    Featured Member thechaosfairy's Avatar
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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    Someone who tries to control your friendships is bad news and a warning sign of abuse. You told him you're not fucking the regular. He doesn't believe you? He's incapable of trust, and that leads to very bad places including physical abuse.

    On the other hand, I do agree that you shouldn't have told him you wouldn't *see* the regular. Not because you went and did it, but because agreeing to something like that is setting a precedent for someone's control over your life -- be careful about your boundaries!
    Quote Originally Posted by red red red View Post
    Like super-fast, frenetic, chipmunklike stylized humping with this look on her face like "Kill! Kill!"
    Quote Originally Posted by iseestars View Post
    i think people like going to parties and clubs and looking like douchebags.

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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    Quote Originally Posted by thechaosfairy View Post
    Someone who tries to control your friendships is bad news and a warning sign of abuse. You told him you're not fucking the regular. He doesn't believe you? He's incapable of trust, and that leads to very bad places including physical abuse.
    We all know this is no normal friendship and if she is lying then why say her bf is incapable of trusting? $500 dollars once a week does not sound like financial security either.

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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    I *almost* broke up for something sort of similar. A young, hot, motorcycle guy had been spending maybe 1000 a week on me for several weeks, I met him for a drink in the bar next door, and when he couldn't come to see me anymore- I offered to e-mail him. My boyfriend read my e-mails to him that were basically saying "Blah blah blah tell me everything about you, come back to the club and see me" and flipped. I moved out of our apartment and had a new place living with cool chicks within a DAY. He realized his life was gonna be pretty lonely without me and I promised not to have drinks with customers and get too "interested" in them. His ego was bruised but I built it back up somehow.

    Hope that helped a little bit.

    Then again, I recently took a break from dancing and he's threatening to leave when I go back to it. So this isn't a happy ending at all. :/

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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    Maybe the x boyfriend wasn't the one, but in reality no intelligent good guy will ever
    take u seriously or invest in a relationship, if u see regs outside the club. I have regulars, but there place is at my work, not in my house or my "real" life. In the end when your old and wrinkley, money can't hold u at night.

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    Senior Member moll_flanders's Avatar
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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    Lol, 4 am and I'm still up.

    ^^^Not necessarily. I had a sugar daddy for quite some time while I was with my current boyfriend. My boyfriend didn't like it too much but he accepted it as something I needed to do to make money and knew that the sugar daddy was no threat to our relationship. He has a pretty high tolerance for these things compared to most guys, I'm sure. But all guys have different boundaries. Some would be fine with you escorting every day and some would never in a million years date a girl who dances at the cleanest no-contact bikini bar in the country.

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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    Quote Originally Posted by holly07 View Post
    Maybe the x boyfriend wasn't the one, but in reality no intelligent good guy will ever
    take u seriously or invest in a relationship, if u see regs outside the club. I have regulars, but there place is at my work, not in my house or my "real" life. In the end when your old and wrinkley, money can't hold u at night.
    I've gone out to dinner and shopping with some regulars and my husbands has never had a problem with it. We look at it as a business dinner. But Like Moll said, every guy is different.

    IMO, if you thought that this guy was the one, you wouldn't have not told him about still seeing your regular.

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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    Meeting a regular OTC while in a relationship would be a huge no-no in my book, and in my husband's too. Even if it is as innocent as shopping or a quick dinner. Plus, you lied. That trust has been broken, and I wouldn't expect him to trust you again (I sure wouldn't). You picked your regular over him, plain and simple.

    I absolutely see why your BF did not want to put up with that. And, at this point, it looks like you've already made your bed. Now you can sleep in it.
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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    Quote Originally Posted by holly07 View Post
    Maybe the x boyfriend wasn't the one, but in reality no intelligent good guy will ever
    take u seriously or invest in a relationship, if u see regs outside the club. I have regulars, but there place is at my work, not in my house or my "real" life. In the end when your old and wrinkley, money can't hold u at night.
    That is NOT true.

    You just have to find a man that trusts you as much as your trust yourself, and loves you as much as you love him.

    My hubby knows I go on "mini dates" to gamble at the casino with regs, he doesn't care, he knows no funny business happens and I come home to him every night.
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    Veteran Member winterrose's Avatar
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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    my hubby sees things more along the lines of don't lie to him.

    so I don't.

    I have helped my SD out and he has helped me. I have taken him to the hospital for invasive tests and waited there until he could be released then drove him home. My hubby picked me up after that. I got paid to cook him some lunch, be a driver and basically be a friend.

    Strangely enough my SD will call my hubby first before he asks me to go somewhere to see if my hubby minds. Has even had lunch and went drinking with my hubby without me.

    My SD transcended the SD relationship into something more resembling a true friendship. My hubby likes him, and vice versa. But the key to it working is there is no dishonesty in place on any side.

    Sounds like your reg is a SD and a friend, even if others don't get it, they don't have too.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    Well, this relationship is tainted, move on.

    Don't tell your next boyfriend so much about your work life.

    Is this boyfriend worth $26,000 a year income loss?

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    Featured Member AznExtasy's Avatar
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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    I don't think you were wrong. Maybe you'll be better off choosing the regular over him. I think it's better to be with someone who also takes care of you rather than someone who can't be a man like that and gets angry and jealous when other guys want to step up to the plate.

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    Featured Member thechaosfairy's Avatar
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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    Quote Originally Posted by MeanGirl View Post
    We all know this is no normal friendship and if she is lying then why say her bf is incapable of trusting? $500 dollars once a week does not sound like financial security either.
    My post may have been unclear. Analysis of the situation is as follows:

    First he made a transgression against the trust in their relationship by "forbidding" her to see the regular again. AKA trying to control her friendships and/or simply not believing her when she said this wasn't sex.

    Then she transgressed by agreeing to that promise (bad idea) and then breaking it without first having the necessary confrontation ("You know what, this is bullshit. I made that promise because you were pressuring me and I feel coerced.")

    That, or she didn't agree to the promise in the first place, which means he was simply ordering her around.

    I am not a fan of the practice of simply following orders, and this is even more true when they come from someone who should be an equal, and not an authority figure!
    Quote Originally Posted by red red red View Post
    Like super-fast, frenetic, chipmunklike stylized humping with this look on her face like "Kill! Kill!"
    Quote Originally Posted by iseestars View Post
    i think people like going to parties and clubs and looking like douchebags.

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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    If the regular was just a regular at your job, doesn't that status change when you see him outside the club? If he is a friend is he still considered a customer? If your boyfriend accepted your relationshio with a customer outside the club (ie escorting) wouldn't that make him a pimp? If he didn't care that you were seeing men from the club would that mean he didn't love you? But if he does worry about you bringing club customers home and wants you to stop, he is a control freak.
    I think you have a no win situation

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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    I did and it was a good move on my part. He was already a douche and it was one of those on and off relationships. I don't know if I really count since I was, on some level, looking for a good enough reason to cut all emotion completely and tell him to go fuck himself. My regular would see me every Friday night, give me at least $400, paid for my ferret's surgery in full, bought me diamonds and furniture and what not. My regular had his own business and my psycho ex googled him to call him and harrass him at work. That was the end. As soon as I got the phone call about it, douchebag bf was gone.

    If they're worth it, they wouldn't put you through it anyways. Some guys can take it and some guys can't. Strippers don't fuck for money. Strippers get naked and provide entertainment and companionship for money. He had no faith in you. If it wasn't this particular issue about your job, another one would have come up.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    Well, honestly, I don't think it's as simple as you broke up for the regular.... Your guy didn't understand and trust you, as he should have, or understnad your job.

    I have a regular who buys me lots of expensive gifts and gives me money. By the way, I met him at the bar I work at not even in a strip club (I bartend, strip and do webcam/phone sex. I multi task. LOL). I consider my regular a friend and he takes me out for dinner, gives me money and gifts, and understands that he pays me for my time but we are friends on a real level as well if that makes sense...if he cut the money off, the relationship wouldn't last long but I do genuinely care about him as a person, he doesn't pay me everytime we go out, ETC.

    My boyfriend is completely fine with it. He's not threatened by it, he knows its a friend I have who knows I have a boyfriend, who is much older, and understands that to go out with an attractive fun young girl, he will have to pay for her time and that is that. We have never gotten physical beyond a hug or a kiss on the cheek. My boyfriend trusts and respects that.

    I think if you are serious about doing this for a living, you need to be with somebody who is not jealous and understands what you do and why and how. Ya know? So, I would more say you broke up because your lifestyles were not compatible. Also it disturbs me that you mentioned "he never got physical." In my mind, that means he got out of control to the point of almost hitting you, but didn't. That in and of itself is a major problem. Let it go.
    Sexy Jasmine after getting fucked over at work:

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    Quote Originally Posted by anomar View Post
    Perhaps you stopped spending money on her. Strippers need money to operate. They are like coin operated juke-boxes of love.

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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    That guys a controlling prick. You'll find a better one. If he's not paying your bills then f'em.
    Sorry you had to find out like that.

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    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    ^ uh, even if they are paying your bills, fuck them!

    You should never exchange money for free will.

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    Default Re: we broke up because of my regular!

    Sometimes boyfriends flip out when a guy even spends $500 a week on a girl, especially if they're not capable of somehow providing anything like that for you. They think you're going to bail on them or somehow choose the sugar daddy. By lying you kind of did choose the sugar daddy, but maybe you were just lying because you thought your boyfriends fears were ridiculous.

    I think you know that you shouldn't have lied and you admit that he does have a reason to be mad right now and not have too much trust for you.

    It's a hard lesson, but I've learned that living your life alone the way you want to is better than living two separate lives because what you do isn't cool with the other person. You have to be honest, or there's going to be a disconnect there, whether it be your paranoia or his innate feelings that you're lying.

    If you can't be honest with someone, that person is probably not the right person for you.

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