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Thread: abused women at your club

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    Default abused women at your club

    Molly's thread and a recent incident at my club inspired me to ask this.

    When you know a woman is in an abusive relationship and she is dancing at your club, do you do anything?

    All my senses tell me to not talk to the troubled girls and keep focused on your hustle, but it's so hard for me to sit back and listen to a girl tell me about the terrible things her "boyfriend" does to her.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    I ignore it. I'm there to work..not be anyones counselor or friend. I know that may come off as harsh to some but, majority of these girls continuously find themselves in these situations over and over again. Some bitch and complain but they DON'T leave...

    I'm not about to waste my time trying to help anyone who, a day later will come back and say, "oh girl we made up..it's all good" I dont' need that negative energy.







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    Featured Member txchick008's Avatar
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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    Personally, I believe it's usually a waste of time (as we've all seen here on the boards). Most women will continue to return to their abuser until they hit "rock-bottom", or something drastic happens, much like an addict of sorts.

    I should know, I've been there (and thank God everyday that I finally got out!)

    You could try to talk to her if it makes YOU feel better, but honestly - unless she's asking for the help and WANTS to leave, she probably won't accept any advice.
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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    Quote Originally Posted by txchick008 View Post
    Personally, I believe it's usually a waste of time (as we've all seen here on the boards). Most women will continue to return to their abuser until they hit "rock-bottom", or something drastic happens, much like an addict of sorts.

    I should know, I've been there (and thank God everyday that I finally got out!)

    You could try to talk to her if it makes YOU feel better, but honestly - unless she's asking for the help and WANTS to leave, she probably won't accept any advice.
    Took the words right out of my mouth.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    Quote Originally Posted by txchick008 View Post
    You could try to talk to her if it makes YOU feel better, but honestly - unless she's asking for the help and WANTS to leave, she probably won't accept any advice.
    That is mostly how I see it. If a girl asked me for help, there is no way I would turn her away. But beyond that, you can't force help on someone.

    On Saturday I just said "I want you to know that it is totally unacceptable for any man to hit you and you don't deserve it" and then I just went back to work.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    I guess what bothers me is the casual nature with which it was mentioned to me. I mean, is it a cry for help? I don't know.

    Dancer: "Oh my gawd, dancing kills. I have so many bruises!!"
    Me: "Ah, from the pole?"
    Dancer: "No, my boyfriend."
    Me: "He hit you?"
    Dancer: "No, he never hits me. But he will grab my arms and shove me up against the wall when I piss him off. He sqeezes me so hard it leaves huge purple bruises. See? *shows me nasties*"

    It's hard to just ignore and get back to work when she talks to me like this.......

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    Yeah I worked with one girl who came in with black eyes from her BF hitting her. She knew that we all didnt approve and we let her know that we were there for her if she needed us...but SHE has to make the decision to do something about it. You cant do it for her. Esp if she isnt really a friend,but just a co-worker.

    Thankfully she did leave him eventually. It was hard to watch though.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    ^^^hmmm.... I can see making them see that it is not normal or acceptable, but I'm not sure about embarrased? Don't a lot of women not seek help because they are ashamed and think they deserve it? I don't really know much about abusive relationships.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    I hate it when girls go into great detail about how their boyfriend beat them half to death and then act like they know how to handle everything when all they're gonna do is stay with their abuser. And I really don't wanna hear it then, because what do they want? My pity, or someone to sympathize with? Because they're obviously not gonna take my advice if they think they already know it all.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    Okay, I think I know what you mean. The casual nature really bugs me too. It's so unhealthy. I was just shocked a dancer casually told me that dancing was aching because of the bruises from her boyfriend?!?!?

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    I've opened my doors and taken in so many, and they always go back. I've learned its best to just stay away, but when someone asks me for help I still do. And always get fucked over for it. My heart and head don't get along well...
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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    i tell them its unacceptable and to leave, and im glad to say that in the cases that i know about the other dancers and management have said the same - each with our own approach to the subject ie some will spend more time, tact and energy than others.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    I did once really advise a younger dancer with whom I often talked, about her boyfriend and she did actually leave him. He was basically her pimp and she was 19 in a new town, this was her first bf, etc. I didn't belabor it, but when she mentioned he'd hit her and that his MOM was pissed about it, I just agreed with the mom's POV and said she should take all that money she was making and move out on her own because other guys didn't do that.

    I think with younger dancers it can have an effect.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    Quote Originally Posted by NewMoon View Post
    Me: "He hit you?"
    Dancer: "No, he never hits me. But he will grab my arms and shove me up against the wall when I piss him off. He sqeezes me so hard it leaves huge purple bruises."

    WHAT'S THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE?!???
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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    I'm no shrink, but judging from my own experiences, a lot of these women stay in these relationships because they've had bad relationships with their fathers/father figures and this is how they are conditioned. They don't know any different, they think this is normal, they stick with what feels familiar, and oftentimes their self esteem is so shot from their upbringing, maybe somewhere deep inside they think they don't deserve any better. At least that is what I've been through.

    Quote Originally Posted by CKXXX View Post
    Yeah I worked with one girl who came in with black eyes from her BF hitting her. She knew that we all didnt approve and we let her know that we were there for her if she needed us...but SHE has to make the decision to do something about it. You cant do it for her. Esp if she isnt really a friend,but just a co-worker.
    I think this is the best thing you can do. Some people need to learn the hard way. I know I sure did!

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    I dunno i cant turn away from someone who is hurting. I would offer some advise (Ive been in an abusive relationship before) and a kind word, maybe a hug.

    It doesn't effect my money to spend a few mins comforting a person.
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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    I am so over trying to help people. I seem to attract all these friends with issues who never seem to care about me or whats going on in my life, and they suck the life outta me. So no, I would steer clear.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    there have been times where i have been asked for help. i have the number for a counseling center in this city and i will give it to that woman and tell her that her situation is best left in the hands of a professional. i also know where various shelters are and tell her about those too. to me, it feels rewarding to do something like that. usually, they dont ask me again, they know the answer- to go see the counselor.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    We have a dancer who keeps getting into one abusive relationship after another. Its like she doesn't stay in a relationship unless the guy beats her, cheats on her, and doesn't work. She doesn't learn from it, she just goes for yet another abusive guy. I've been in an abusive relationship and I know how much it sucks and how hard it is. Once I got out, I knew I would NEVER go back to that ever. This girl makes me so fucking angry and sad that she doesn't think she deserves better and that is love. I and many others have spoken to her and offered her help, I tried to explain how ridiculous it is that she values herself so little to let a man beat her. She doesn't take advice, she makes excuses, and even if she leaves she will get back with another abusive asshole so nothing will change. I just can't understand it. I get soooo frustrated that all I can hope for is that he kills her before she gets pregnant and has a baby. Bad I know, but I do hope one day she will wake up and smell the coffee. I can't listen to her fucking stories anymore though, its too frustrating and I don't wanna say something I'll regret.
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    Quote Originally Posted by hot4ablackchick View Post
    We have a dancer who keeps getting into one abusive relationship after another. Its like she doesn't stay in a relationship unless the guy beats her, cheats on her, and doesn't work. She doesn't learn from it, she just goes for yet another abusive guy. I've been in an abusive relationship and I know how much it sucks and how hard it is. Once I got out, I knew I would NEVER go back to that ever. This girl makes me so fucking angry and sad that she doesn't think she deserves better and that is love. I and many others have spoken to her and offered her help, I tried to explain how ridiculous it is that she values herself so little to let a man beat her. She doesn't take advice, she makes excuses, and even if she leaves she will get back with another abusive asshole so nothing will change. I just can't understand it.

    It is frustrating to watch. I think this is the kind of woman who was conditioned all her life to think this kind of relationship is "normal" even though it isn't. She may be trying to make sense of what happened to her to make her that way in the first place and she keeps sucking herself into the same drama over and over again. Again, I'm not a shrink, but I've been through something similar myself, and I had to finally make the conscious decision never to tolerate disrespect by a man-or anyone for that matter-again.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    Quote Originally Posted by cinammonkisses View Post
    I ignore it. I'm there to work..not be anyones counselor or friend. I know that may come off as harsh to some but, majority of these girls continuously find themselves in these situations over and over again. Some bitch and complain but they DON'T leave...

    I'm not about to waste my time trying to help anyone who, a day later will come back and say, "oh girl we made up..it's all good" I dont' need that negative energy.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    I know I'm completely insensitive about the issue, but I really think if they're that stupid then our human evolutionary pool is better off without them. Just gotta make sure they don't have kids. My sister got married and the guy started abusing her, but she was smart enough to leave.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    ^^oh wow, at least you are smart enough to know you are completely insensitive.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    Quote Originally Posted by ediblecrayonz View Post
    I know I'm completely insensitive about the issue, but I really think if they're that stupid then our human evolutionary pool is better off without them. Just gotta make sure they don't have kids. My sister got married and the guy started abusing her, but she was smart enough to leave.
    You are so young I can't expect you to have the empathy that comes with wisdom. You are also so fortunate that you have never been in this situation. So I should cut you some slack.

    But as someone who was raised by a smart, strong, amazing mother who was able to leave her abuser only shortly after her baby (me) was born, I swear I could smack the taste right out of your bratty mouth.

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    Default Re: abused women at your club

    Quote Originally Posted by Dottie Rebel View Post
    You are so young I can't expect you to have the empathy that comes with wisdom. You are also so fortunate that you have never been in this situation. So I should cut you some slack.

    But as someone who was raised by a smart, strong, amazing mother who was able to leave her abuser only shortly after her baby (me) was born, I swear I could smack the taste right out of your bratty mouth.
    you took the words right out of my mouth...... and were a whole lot nicer about it than I would have been.

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