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Thread: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

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    Veteran Member ellebelle's Avatar
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    Default What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    So I officially move in with my boyfriend tomorrow (after pretty much living here for a few months anyway). Removalists are coming, and I'm paying rent now. I love my boyfriend, I love the house, I even like our flatmate.

    Now the only thing is.. my boyfriend is a mega hoarder. I think he's still clutching onto t-shirts from 1986.. I am so anti clutter it not funny. I'm as minimalist as they come (must be my Scando background).

    Though I'm going to have my own room and such to put my bed and clothes etc in, I will be spending most of my time in his room. His walk in robe make me feel so claustrophobic and smothered. It's full to the brim of shit every which way. I'm constantly reorganising it, but it always messy.

    How do I convince him that he does not need 15 jumpers with holes in them? 6 tennis raquets with no strings? 4 cricket bats when I've never even seen him plat cricket?

    All the glasses and cutlery in the house are all mismatched and I just want to go out and buy and nice new matching sets. But how do I get him to part with all his novelty glasses etc? Ah

    I have to have everything matching. I know I'm anal.

    Maybe I can convince him to put it all away in storage?
    The world's most uncoordinated stripper

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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    ooo... I wouldn't touch this one. Unfortunately, I'm not sure there's anything you can do.

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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    The bottom line is that you can't tell him what to do. You can tell him what you think. You can tell him about those vaccum bags to store stuff like that in. You can point out that he hasn't worn this or that in 5 years... But, you really can't tell him what to do. So, I guess my best advice is to ask him why he has an old tennis racket with no strings that he doesn't use. Ask him why he doesn't donate or have a garage sale. Ask him if it's some sort of sentimental value. Ask him if it's okay to put it in a garbage bag on the patio (or somewhere out of sight and mind) for a few months and consider how much it really affects his life.
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    Veteran Member ellebelle's Avatar
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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    Thanks, that's good advise. I tend to just boss people around.. or let thing mysteriously disappear.
    The world's most uncoordinated stripper

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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    You get him to rent a storage space, and then you have him move in with you.

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    God/dess erotictonic's Avatar
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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    You'll be able to when you are paying the rent and he isn't working.... that's what I've found. They just don't want to work. They want to sponge off of strippers (the ones that collect shit).

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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    He needs therapy!! Im not kidding here, hoarding is a psychological disorder. You cannot fix him or convince him that it's not necessary.

    My ex is a hoarder. He hoarded clothes and newspapers. It used to drive me nuts. I used to slip over on pieces of newspaper that were on the floor.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
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    Veteran Member ellebelle's Avatar
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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    Don't get started on magazines.. I think he has every issue of zoo, fhm and ralph ever made.
    The world's most uncoordinated stripper

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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    Mine kept the trading post Apparently there were things in there that he needed to keep for years!! It's a frustrating condition.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

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    Veteran Member ellebelle's Avatar
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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    oooh I think he has a sixth sense for knowing when I'm talking about him. He just snatched the computer out of my hand because he asked me what I was doing and I had a dead guilty look on my face.

    He found an msn conversation with my bff about how to nicely phrase throwing some of his stuff out. He got mega defensive and looked hurt. Now he's all "Well when you get all your stuff out of here, I'll be able to clean my stuff and I'll have the cleanest wardrobe you've ever seen".

    ... I have like three dresses and some pyjamas in his wardrobe. Oh and like five pairs of shoes...

    Still I feel bad, because he really looks like his feelings are hurt. But I hate clutter!!!! I hate having too many things full stop. Ah.
    The world's most uncoordinated stripper

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    God/dess ahmeerah's Avatar
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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    I know a hoarding Saggitarean who's married to a neat-freak Virgo. She has rented storage space but it hasn't helped. She has been going to therapy for years too. It's a hard thing to work with.

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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    I'm a hoarder however not a full time one as such. I tend to go thru phases. I'll hoard heaps of crap. Then there will come a point when I "snap" and get very strict with myself and chuck a whole heap of shit away.

    In my last unit at Surfers Paradise, I had hoarded so much stuff "just in case" and "to be repaired" etc that it filled up half of the DLUG ! No kidding! These days I'm better however it's because I procrastinate more than anything that I hoard.

    Then there was the storage shed I was renting for months and months with heaps of crap inside it. Some of that has migrated to storage here at my place. Some of it to the tip, etc.

    Plus I always think "I may need to use that in the future, better hold onto it" ... and then eventually will throw it away in one of my mad cleaning moods as such.

    You can only mention it. Give him some space tho' since it seems to be something that will hurt his feelings.


    You may want to email him some websites so he can see that it is not "normal" ?
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding
    http://leoweekly.com/?q=node%2F4389
    http://ezinearticles.com/?Clutter---...er?&id=1363012
    http://www.oprah.com/community/thread/44076


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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    For the good of your relationship, might I suggest that you restrict your efforts to your room and the common areas. Letting him keep his one room as he likes it will provide a psychological refuge that he apparently takes great comfort in. He may see a completely clean room as cold and sterile. That's not to say he can't be encouraged to part with old newspapers and carryout boxes, but the cricket bats, tennis rackets, novelty glasses, etc are probably links to happy memories that he'd sorely miss. Have a heart!!

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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    Gradually through things out with him, it'll take a while but it can be done...............I had to do it with my boy!

    Usually it's not a fear of parting with items, more likely a fear of wastage and not having enough. This can have an upside - he's probably good with money.

    As you're doing washing, pick up a particularly holey jumper and say something like "it won't survive the wash. Mind if I use for cleaning?" This way he still thinks it's being "useful". Then just through it out later.

    With the tennis rackets and sporting equipment you might have to get a bit more demanding and tell him they've got to either go into a shed, or into a garbage bin.

    As for the cutlery - just buy new things anyway. This is what I did. I just bought new stuff, put it in the cupboard and then placed the old stuff in an out-of-the-way cupboard. When he gets used to using the new cutlery, you can through out the old stuff and he won't even notice. Failing that bits can gradually get "broken".

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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    I hoard pretty badly, but Im getting much better. With the Melbourne move I have to ditch alot of stuff. We have about 9m2 of space for anything we want to keep here. And I really dont need essays from my 1st year at uni!
    We always had our own spaces, I had my studio, and NOTHING was ever put there or moved unless I did it. No studio in this place (too small) and I never paint anymore :-(
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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    Quote Originally Posted by erotictonic View Post
    You'll be able to when you are paying the rent and he isn't working.... that's what I've found. They just don't want to work. They want to sponge off of strippers (the ones that collect shit).
    ....well then..
    These days I like to count my money. I like to wash it delicately and iron it. Sometimes I dry it with some bounty to make it all nice and cuddly. I love my money... did I say that out loud?

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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    I don't see why you can't tell him what to do or just do it yourself. When I moved in with my bf (now husband) . I took a lot of his crap and told him there is a 2 year rule(that is being generous imo) and do you use it now or are you gonna be using it? If he said no, it went out. Sure he whined but, I am also a clutter free person. If something was truly important to him it stayed, otherwise it needed to serve a purpose.

    Holy overalls? GONE . Seriously i would go through that crap and throw it out. Telling him to get a storage unit is only enabling the problem Hoarding is a huge problem with underlying emotional issues and if you help him to stop it now you won't be one of those families on Dr. Phil in 20 years. Learning that we should not be attached to material possessions is very important. My husbands mom wasn't really a hoarder, but I could see where he got his " I need to save this little piece of paper" mentality. I talked her into throwing a lot of junk out after a tornado hit her house. Now she throws stuff out all the time and is so proud of herself. Seriously do you really need your old graduation cap and gown, old VHS tapes, mickey mouse mug, etc. It is all STUFF and heads are so much more clear when you get rid of it.

    Tell him, do it and maybe buy a book on Hoarding if you want to give him tips on how to keep it up. It should be a requirement that you get rid of the stuff before moving in.

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    Featured Member teeth_of_the_hydra's Avatar
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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    My best friend, a neat freak, moved in with a hoarder. 6 years later they are still happy, still in love, and they now live in a normal, "lived-in" looking apartment. It's not as minimal as the apartment I used to share with her, but it's heaps better than the bachelor pad she moved into. Basically, they compromised, and I think that's pretty cool. She initially convinced him to get rid of things that were (a) gross and (b) actually useless. So the 12875839 t shirts and pairs of raggedy boxer shorts and socks were thrown out. So were all the old newspapers on the floor that had gotten beer spilled on them and were all ripped and covered in dust. She bought him new boxers, white Ts, and socks. Then he got rid of things that were broken... his pots without handles, chipped dishes, and a giant, broken TV that he had been keeping on the porch. She bought new pots, pans, dishes, glasses, cutlery. And every time she got rid of something, she'd clean where that thing used to be.

    She learned to live with the fact that he wanted to own 2 computers for seemingly no reason, and he held on to his cassette tapes from middle school, and he had a bunch of electronic equipment with a zillion wires, and he liked all his hoodies and hats, etc. And eventually he acknowledged that he thought his couch, that he'd had since college, was nasty, and his piles of magazines could go into plastic bins and get stacked in the closet.

    On her part, she learned to accept that there are worse things than 2 computers and a tangle of extension cords and a little bit of nonsense in the closet. Houses and apartments tend to have built-in storage space, and there's frequently a discreet place to keep junk that you don't want to look at, but "need" to hang on to. Anyway, I know all about this because it was an ongoing source of triumph for her, and she'd call me every time she got rid of something major, and we'd squeal on the phone together, because I too hate clutter.

    P.S. Is "removalist" the Australian word for the guys who come to your house with a van/truck and move and transport your boxes? Or does "removalist" mean trash worker?
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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    Here is what I did. My boyfriend wasn't a hoarder like THAT but just gross and messy. And everyone who lived in his house (3 bros) had all kinds of gross shit lying around, not using it. Plus the whole place had NEVER been cleaned in the 5 years they lived here pre-me. It really felt like an abandoned house that homeless people came to take shelter in or something. Ugh.

    Walk around the house by yourself when he's in another room and have him overhear you "talking to yourself". Use phrases like, "What the hell IS this shit!" and "OMG, gross." That will wake him up to the fact he is living disgustingly.

    Then, just do it. Throw out all the shit like those tennis raquets, gone. Throw away everything you know he doesn't use. Seriously, he doesn't need that shit. Then clean everything really nice and thoroughly, light candles etc. When he comes home be like "OOH!! Doesn't it feel so NICE in here?"

    I shamed the fuck out of my boyfriend and his brothers this way, but they loved it in the end! They always say how nice it looks in here now. My boyfriend says now they are too intimidated to make a mess anymore. So it worked great!

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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    I have no advice but I feel your pain.

    When I moved in with C I had like a few suitcases of stuff and thats about it.

    I can't seem to have anything 'for myself' its all his stuff. And all his stuff is JUNK!! Missmatched everything. Plus he has PILES of shit that I know he hasn't looked at in years.

    I finally got fed up and told him we're moving out of where we are now and getting a place together so its equal ground.

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    God/dess GoldCoastGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    Quote Originally Posted by teeth_of_the_hydra View Post
    P.S. Is "removalist" the Australian word for the guys who come to your house with a van/truck and move and transport your boxes? Or does "removalist" mean trash worker?
    Noun: removalist
    Usage: Austral
    1. A company that moves the possessions of a family or business from one site to another
      - mover, public mover, moving company, removal firm, removal company
    Derived forms: removalists
    Type of: company
    Encyclopedia: Removalist


    http://www.wordwebonline.com/en/REMOVALIST




    in short. Yes


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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    Quote Originally Posted by ellebelle View Post
    4 cricket bats when I've never even seen him plat cricket?
    People play cricket? one game is like a week long, i didn't think americans had the patience for cricket. I tried watching a game one time and my brain felt like porridge!

  23. #23
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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    I have an ex like this. It got a thousand times worse after I moved out. He literally makes TUNNELS in his living spaces with boxes, books, magazines, old tapes, crates of records and old music/film equipment. I'm not exactly into super clean and minimal living spaces but I don't like filth and ridiculous amounts of useless objects all around. I like to collect things, but it should be part of the decor.

    I'm sorry about your situation, ellebelle. I think that throwing stuff out will make him angry and resentful. Maybe buy him a new thing in exchange for getting rid of some stuff. Or promise him sexual favors. lol

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    God/dess Nautilus's Avatar
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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    i'm married to one.

    the rule is like this:

    you can't control anyone but yourself.

    you be tidy, but don't throw anything out that may upset him because hoarders have pretty deep reasons for feeling they don't have 'enough'.

    we made a deal that all living areas are clutter-free. he has our entire double garage FULL of boxes of stuff. he also has his man-cave. that's his shit and his business and i keep myself out of it.

    eventually the 'stuff' that gave him joy has gradually started to give him grief, so i am in the process of helping him sort it, ebay what's worth money and slowly get rid of the rest.

    it is never a fast process, nor is it one you can control.

    if you have a virgo streak then asking, 'how can i help you organise it' can be a good start. never threaten to get rid of their stuff without their knowledge. they will hate you forever. 'for your own good' doesn't cut it.

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    Featured Member Perry's Avatar
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    Default Re: What to do when you live with a hoarder?

    My bf did the same thing. Somethings were so ridiculus I just threw threw it out and said that I needed the space. Seriousely, he had over 20 cardboard boxes with maybe a pencil, paper clip or old sheet of homework in it taking up the whole closet!! But he couldn't part with anything just in case.

    He loves to save garbage. An ancient microwave AND the box it came in, cords to long-lost appliances, $5 dollar radios he bought just to take apart (he's an engineer ) and more junk.

    The trick is to do it sloooow and with a purpose. I'd toss out the box his vacume cleaner came in (as if he'd be able to send it back after 2 years!) to put a peice of my furniture there. Or collect all of his papers/magazines/whatever put them into a box and ask him to go through it for me so we could set up a nice book shelf. That way he's involved and doesn't feel dominated, but the house looks nice.

    I would do a lot of gathering up things then asking, "Why don't we sell/recycle/donate whatever you don't want from here? We'd have more space/money/room." So it's a couple activity, and we both get a reward for it.

    In his defense, I have tossed out things that were important and felt TERRIBLE. So, that's my system these days.

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