Like, okay. I have to preface this by saying that I'm not religious. I'm hesitant to qualify that statement with "but I'm spiritual" because that opens me up for an especially caustic one-liner.* But maybe it's true, you know, as I find myself lately looking for meaning in all this nonsense that's going on with my life. I have never felt so unlucky, so cursed. I have shared relatively little of it here, but since I'm asking for advice, or comfort, or something, and threads where people mention that they have a problem but don't say what the problem is are notoriously lame, I suppose I'll have to launch into a big fat ventfest right about now.
I came back from Alaska about 6 weeks ago. A week after my return, my boything from AK came to stay with me. I posted about him some time ago. He was a slacker, but moreover, a cocaine addict. He stole from me-- heaps of money, more than I can even think about-- and lied about it to my face. The worst part is, I essentially enabled his behavior. I looked the other way until he made off with my debit card and took money from my bank account.
I tried pressing charges. The cops thought I was lying, or an idiot, possibly both. They thought no one would put up with that kind of behavior for as long as I did without doing something sooner. I was pretty much laughed out of the precinct. I sat on the curb and sobbed for 30 minutes until I was parched and sunburned and totally defeated.
My uncle died. Suck. It wasn't that jarring a tragedy in itself, as he had been very ill for a long time. But it makes my relationship with my mother very uneasy, because she's not exactly emotionally stable in general, and now she is angry at the world because of her brother's death. So she's upset about my job, my living situation, my cat, my past, my future... you name it. I used to be able to call my mom and cry when I needed to. Not so much right now.
My car got totaled. Rear ended, not my fault. I'm in a rental car now, covered by the other guy's insurance. The rental runs way better than my car did anyway, so driving isn't too bad. But at some point I will have to return the rental and think about getting a new car, and I can't imagine I'll get more than 1k for my wrecked car. WTF kind of car can you get for 1k that won't demand a zillion dollars in repairs? I can't even begin to think about it.
And then my period was late.
You know where I'm going with this.
The father is the cokehead boy. He's not around anymore. He moved to Arizona for a job. We're in touch; I told him what was up. I still care a lot about him, foolishly, perhaps. I guess I still maintain this memory of the kid from AK: how, when he's not on coke, he's an adorable guy. That said, I'm not entertaining the idea of keeping this baby.
(An aside: I have never been pregnant before. I'm almost 26. I always believed that of all the unwed young women in the world to get knocked up, I'd never be one of them. I'm too well-bred, or something. Clearly, being well-bred does not equate to being stringent with birth control. I mean, a condom was involved, but to an evidently lacking degree. So I accept responsibility for this.)
Even if I was a successful and stable young lady, I've been smoking like a chimney and drinking like a (small) fish for the past 3 weeks. And this kid was manufactured with cocaine sperm. I can only anticipate 11 fingers and a low IQ. Now isn't the right time for me, but besides that, this child is already doomed. And yet it's so sad. And so incredibly crippling in light of everything else I've been dealing with. I don't know what to do with my cursed life right now, how to solve any problems resolutely and without falling apart.
And I don't know why this is happening. I cannot shake this looming conviction of an order, something that is speaking to me-- really!-- that is trying to punish me, or humble me, or make me listen. I rack my memory to think of things I've done so the playing field would need to be razed like this. But I have tried so hard to be good. To be trusting, to share what I have whenever I can. And still I cannot figure out how I'm supposed to feel, or how those feelings should influence my behavior. I cannot make any sense of this at all.
Any feedback you might have would be appreciated very much at this time. Thank you for reading.
*The line, if you're curious, goes "I'm not honest, but you're interesting." I will tentatively credit it to the comic Dmitri Martin. It's funny except when it's true.



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