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Thread: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

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    Featured Member teeth_of_the_hydra's Avatar
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    Default What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    Like, okay. I have to preface this by saying that I'm not religious. I'm hesitant to qualify that statement with "but I'm spiritual" because that opens me up for an especially caustic one-liner.* But maybe it's true, you know, as I find myself lately looking for meaning in all this nonsense that's going on with my life. I have never felt so unlucky, so cursed. I have shared relatively little of it here, but since I'm asking for advice, or comfort, or something, and threads where people mention that they have a problem but don't say what the problem is are notoriously lame, I suppose I'll have to launch into a big fat ventfest right about now.

    I came back from Alaska about 6 weeks ago. A week after my return, my boything from AK came to stay with me. I posted about him some time ago. He was a slacker, but moreover, a cocaine addict. He stole from me-- heaps of money, more than I can even think about-- and lied about it to my face. The worst part is, I essentially enabled his behavior. I looked the other way until he made off with my debit card and took money from my bank account.

    I tried pressing charges. The cops thought I was lying, or an idiot, possibly both. They thought no one would put up with that kind of behavior for as long as I did without doing something sooner. I was pretty much laughed out of the precinct. I sat on the curb and sobbed for 30 minutes until I was parched and sunburned and totally defeated.

    My uncle died. Suck. It wasn't that jarring a tragedy in itself, as he had been very ill for a long time. But it makes my relationship with my mother very uneasy, because she's not exactly emotionally stable in general, and now she is angry at the world because of her brother's death. So she's upset about my job, my living situation, my cat, my past, my future... you name it. I used to be able to call my mom and cry when I needed to. Not so much right now.

    My car got totaled. Rear ended, not my fault. I'm in a rental car now, covered by the other guy's insurance. The rental runs way better than my car did anyway, so driving isn't too bad. But at some point I will have to return the rental and think about getting a new car, and I can't imagine I'll get more than 1k for my wrecked car. WTF kind of car can you get for 1k that won't demand a zillion dollars in repairs? I can't even begin to think about it.

    And then my period was late.

    You know where I'm going with this.

    The father is the cokehead boy. He's not around anymore. He moved to Arizona for a job. We're in touch; I told him what was up. I still care a lot about him, foolishly, perhaps. I guess I still maintain this memory of the kid from AK: how, when he's not on coke, he's an adorable guy. That said, I'm not entertaining the idea of keeping this baby.

    (An aside: I have never been pregnant before. I'm almost 26. I always believed that of all the unwed young women in the world to get knocked up, I'd never be one of them. I'm too well-bred, or something. Clearly, being well-bred does not equate to being stringent with birth control. I mean, a condom was involved, but to an evidently lacking degree. So I accept responsibility for this.)

    Even if I was a successful and stable young lady, I've been smoking like a chimney and drinking like a (small) fish for the past 3 weeks. And this kid was manufactured with cocaine sperm. I can only anticipate 11 fingers and a low IQ. Now isn't the right time for me, but besides that, this child is already doomed. And yet it's so sad. And so incredibly crippling in light of everything else I've been dealing with. I don't know what to do with my cursed life right now, how to solve any problems resolutely and without falling apart.

    And I don't know why this is happening. I cannot shake this looming conviction of an order, something that is speaking to me-- really!-- that is trying to punish me, or humble me, or make me listen. I rack my memory to think of things I've done so the playing field would need to be razed like this. But I have tried so hard to be good. To be trusting, to share what I have whenever I can. And still I cannot figure out how I'm supposed to feel, or how those feelings should influence my behavior. I cannot make any sense of this at all.

    Any feedback you might have would be appreciated very much at this time. Thank you for reading.




    *The line, if you're curious, goes "I'm not honest, but you're interesting." I will tentatively credit it to the comic Dmitri Martin. It's funny except when it's true.
    Drought was over. Where was I? Drinks were on the house.
    For mixers, my love, you'd poured--what?--even the rain.

  2. #2
    Bianca O'Blivion
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    Holy shit. Scary.


    I have had some similar issues..PM me please.

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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    Hey Teeth,

    I approach this without feeling that I have any great wisdom for you; I sense that the wisdom from the women here will be much more valuable to you in this situation. Since we're both writers, I'll quote Andre Dubus (I hope I get it right) who said, essentially: what creates despair is the imagination, which imagines millions of moments...so that you cannot live the moment at hand. I think you need to get back to where you can live the moment at hand--to feel in control of things that directly surround you and make decisions from that more certain place. It sounds to me that some things have happened which are simply beyond control now...the boyfriend is not reliable, and as tragic and heart-wrenching as it is, death is final. I'm uncertain of how that all affects the relationship with your mother, but I am guessing that your uncle was able to deflect some difficulty with your mother, which now you're hitting head-on. I think you need to remember that you've been through a lot, and that you need, here, to take care of yourself. That may mean a discussion of boundaries with your mom, regarding what you can and cannot do. As I say, I don't know the situation with her so forgive me if I'm off in my estimation of this.

    You will be all right. But the first, essential thing is that you get to a point of some calm--that not all things are whistling through your mind at once. Try to minimalize your reflections on those things you cannot change, and then approach those things you can with renewed energy. Please feel free to PM me if you just need to talk or vent--I'm glad to listen. You're a talented young woman and there are good things ahead for you...so please don't get too down on yourself about all this, all right?
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?



    I'm so sorry sweetheart that your going through soo much right now. Please keep your chin up and trust it will all work out as it should.

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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    Theres nothing rougher than having all the issues just pile up at once on top of you. I've been there, and even still I wasn't facing some of the decisions you have to face. I'll also never be able to even comprehend some of them. So I can't really say I know how you feel, but I do know whats it like to have it all piled on at once. The only thing I can say is that my heart goes out to you, it can only get better, and look for support wherever you can find it, even here on the web.

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    Veteran Member jessica_rabbit's Avatar
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    I just want to give you a big hug. To be honest I could use one too. I can relate to many of the things you're going though, from the drugged out ex who stole money to the wrecked car to the feeling of never ending bad luck and the search for meaning behind it. My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain.

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    Featured Member keira0304's Avatar
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    wow. I can totally relate. especially the drugged out loser boyfriend and the pregnant part.

    It will get better. Maybe the universe is telling you to focus on yourself 100%.
    "Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above."

    [/URL]

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    Veteran Member MissDewdrop's Avatar
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    ^^ Yep, very true. Take one problem at a time and deal with it (in order of severity). Address the ones you can solve, and let the others go. If you're thinking abortion, do that first. Then use the potential 1k from your car payoff as a down payment on a car you can afford. Realize your mom might be snipping out of grief, and that you can be there for one another when the wound of her brother's death isn't so raw.

    I'm really sorry all of this happened. You seem like the type of person who can usually hiss at her problems, at which point they run off like frightened chickens. Go get 'em.

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    Featured Member teeth_of_the_hydra's Avatar
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    Yeah. Abortion is what has to happen. I'm sad about doing that, but I know it is for the best, both for me and for whoever's gestating in my organs right now. I cannot help but think, as I'm sure almost everybody does in this situation, how interesting it would be to carry this person to term. I'm sure it would not be consistently great, but I think it might be interesting. Would this person be the kind of person who makes me throw up in the morning? Would they kick at night, or during the day? Would I be a hot pregnant chick, or just a tubby one? Would I get angry when people wanted to touch my belly, or would I somehow develop more patience about those sorts of things?

    It makes me sad that I cannot tell my mother. Before you suggest otherwise, consider how furious she got when I took a waitressing job at a sports bar. I think she got mad at me for going to grad school too, though I don't remember what her objection to that was (though it might have been that I hadn't used my undergrad degree yet, so why was I getting another degree? That sounds about right). Getting knocked up is way worse than serving wings AND postgraduate education.

    I am considering leaving Florida once this whole fetus-removal and car-settlement thing is over. In addition to these tangible hardships I'm going through, I'm just not happy here. I'm lonely, I have no friends in this town anymore (everyone else moved away after college... I stayed, but I'm not exactly sure why), and my living situation, while cheap, is less than ideal. Plus... and this is the only "silver-lining" perspective I can come up with just yet... without a car, a move is much easier. I can pack some bags, ship some boxes, and just go. No worries about how much it'll cost in gas to drive to this new place, or how much of an ordeal it'll be to sell the car before leaving. I will have to orchestrate this move SOON, of course, as my life in FL will only be livable for as long as I have this rental car. (A suck thing is that I recently moved to the rural, outlying part of town. I can bike to the grocery store and a few shopping plazas, though it probably wouldn't be the safest idea. I have to get on the interstate to go anywhere else. Suck and double suck.) But... if I pull my shit together, go have this procedure done post-haste, and start figuring out where the hell I'm going, I could walk away from my stupid FL life in 3 weeks flat.

    I know that doesn't mean that I'll walk away from my problems. I will have still had an abortion, I'll still be carless. I'll still be at the whims of my mother's cosmic wrath, still too invested in the fate of a cocaine addict in Arizona. But maybe I can find a quiet thing to do in a walkable town for a few months while I finish my courses and cry, nightly, into my cat's fur. I have wanted to move back to the FL keys so badly...

    Anyway, thanks for reaching out everybody. I adore the ever-loving ass out of you people on the internet.
    Drought was over. Where was I? Drinks were on the house.
    For mixers, my love, you'd poured--what?--even the rain.

  10. #10
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    We're all here for you. I love how witty you are even in the face of all this.

    And if you want to try Portland when you get out of town, you're welcome at our place.

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    Featured Member teeth_of_the_hydra's Avatar
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    Blah. No one can come with me to my abortion appointment next Tuesday. I think that means I have to forgo anesthesia. I hate my life so much.
    Drought was over. Where was I? Drinks were on the house.
    For mixers, my love, you'd poured--what?--even the rain.

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    God/dess CKXXX's Avatar
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    I forget where you are in FL...if you are near me,I will go with you to your appt. I've been there and it sucks(both the abortion and the feeling that everything is piling on at once...still there actually)

    Quote Originally Posted by lexilou View Post
    "I'll picklepunch you in your twatwaffle!"

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    Featured Member teeth_of_the_hydra's Avatar
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    ^^^That is really sweet of you, but I'm in the Tampa Bay area. You're all the way in SE FL, right? Still, I appreciate the offer enormously.
    Drought was over. Where was I? Drinks were on the house.
    For mixers, my love, you'd poured--what?--even the rain.

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    God/dess CKXXX's Avatar
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    Oh boo. Sorry....

    Quote Originally Posted by lexilou View Post
    "I'll picklepunch you in your twatwaffle!"

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    God/dess VegasPrincess's Avatar
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    Awww, TOTH. Hugs. That's a fucking awful situation to be in.

    Who on here lives in Tampa....Penny right? Maybe she can go with you? It'd be nice to go with somebody. Maybe post an add in ladies only?
    Sexy Jasmine after getting fucked over at work:

    God loves strippers and when guys do things like that its an automatic ticket to HELL!


    Quote Originally Posted by anomar View Post
    Perhaps you stopped spending money on her. Strippers need money to operate. They are like coin operated juke-boxes of love.

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    Featured Member keira0304's Avatar
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    you could get anesthesia if you wait in the clinic for X amount of hours after the procedure until it wears off.

    Honestly, I got general anesthesia and I felt like I would be able to drive an hour after. It's probably a short drive from where you live anyways.... both clinics are on 41 between bee ridge and clark. I recommend not going to PP, go to the other one because PP is a hellish place on abortion morning, packed full of pregnant teenagers and there are tons of protesters and they push you through the process like a cattle call. I went on my first attempt to get one and couldn't do it. The other place... forgot the name, but it's right down the street from it, offers twilight anesthesia and is in an inconspicuous office building- might be more preferable.
    "Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above."

    [/URL]

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    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    omg my heart is breaking for you.
    Everything piling up at once makes life so difficult. I was tempted to say, "conquer one obstacle at a time," but unfortunately all of the issues you're facing pretty much require immediate decisions. I know it sucks but just hang on to the "oh shit" handle for now, and know that you WILL make it through this. Samba said it perfectly, try to remember you are not being tested, you are being fortified. When you are on the other end of this tunnel, you will be an even stronger woman than you are now. We're here for ya

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    God/dess ahmeerah's Avatar
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    Default Re: What is the universe trying to tell me by giving me all this difficult shit?

    Your life will get better. I went through a very similar situation. I got the abortion and moved to a new state where I could start fresh.

    To make sure none of it repeats itself (loser boyfriend), get at your rooted issues. For instance, do you feel like you deserve to enjoy life? It's easy to say "yes" to this question but how you live yor life and the choices you make are the true reflection of how you feel.

    Are you sacrificing or have you sacrificed any part of yourself to suit others? If so, start saying "no" more often without offering an explanation.

    Do you allow yourself to be assertive when necessary and soft at other times? Soft can even be something like accepting gifts, compliments, etc without feeling like you need to do something in return.

    To me it souns like the universe is forcing you to wake up and become more aware of your life and to change it to create a life that you want. Go for it.

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