*sigh* on the outside, I am confident, successful, & independent. not to mention educated, well-traveled, and I try to take good care of myself just to present a solid package. not even for anyone else--I take pride in my life's successes, including my decision to strip to finance my dreams.
on the inside, I have been in love with this boy for almost 2 years. it started as a fling (he lives in ny, I'm in cali), a romantic, no-strings-attached weekend getaway. for him, it seems, that weekend (march 2007) was the end...for me it was the beginning!
in the last year I have done so much--traveled overseas, learned a foreign language, all but finished my degree. I made so many awesome friends, had a few NEW tragic "love" affairs...yet in the back of my mind, my "new york boy" is still there.
we ran into each other in july, I spent the night with him but we just cuddled (I knew if I slept with him it would only exacerbate the problem). he's coming back into town in november, and I'm sure I'll have the opportunity to see him again if my willpower doesn't hold (it never does). god if there was just ANYTHING I could do to make him feel the way I feel, I would do it! but my gut tells me there is no action or even combination of actions that will "make" someone love you if they just don't feel it.
you might be wondering--what does this boy have that is making this girl so passionate? that he's good looking and successful goes without saying. but I've always held that looks & money come and go. this boy (well he's 29, and I'm 26 by the way), when we're together it is ON. we have great convo, lots of laughs, we seem to know what each other is thinking and be in tune with the other's wants & needs at any given moment. he remembers things I tell him, my likes & dislikes, the little things like always ordering sparkling water instead of flat (really little, I know...you either dig stuff like that or you don't I suppose).
am I desperate? in a word, yes. but I'm so tired of stuffing my feelings down! I feel like we could make each other happy in the long-term. he's used the distance as an excuse before, coming & going in & out of life as he pleases. but after I graduate in june I will be able to relocate. in my mind I can see how everything would be perfect. I have aspirations for my life that extend far beyond the traditional home/marriage, yet if I could be with this boy, I would work hard every day to make him happy. I know that when he finds the right girl (me?) he would do the same.
so what to do in november? I thought about inviting him to a romantic dinner. I know a lot of girls use him because he has money, so it would be a nice gesture for me to take HIM out for a change. I want him to know that as an independent woman I am fully capable of providing for myself, and if I want to be with him it's because I want to be with HIM, nothing more. but after dinner, what? drinks, then back to his hotel room for more cuddling. then he'll go back to new york and I'll be "out of sight, out of mind." meanwhile I'm here in california hoping, praying, plotting to capture his heart.
WHERE WILL IT END?!
thank you for listening. these are the true confessions of forevernaked.



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