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Thread: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

  1. #1
    Honey71783
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    Default My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    So, my ex-boyfriend, 'D', African-American suburban guy-next-door, was released from jail yesterday and I'm so frickin' confused now. D and I were on and off since I was 14 years old and all throughout my high school years. Our relationship was wonderful. He treated me like a Queen and I felt first class whereever we went (dinners, dancing, trips, outings with friends). I figured he had alot of good friends, business relationships, and connections. So, my senior year of high school, I was accepted to a top university about 600 miles away. We decided to have a long distance relationship and I left for school. We saw each other almost every two or three weeks, and for extended periods of time (ranging from one to three months) during the entire Christmas, spring, and summer breaks (it was like it used to be when I lived at home).

    So, my freshman year of college was super hard emotionally. We had a problem when a girl called me and told me that she was pregnant by him. (The whole story is posted in a previous thread). She had an abortion. D and I worked things out after alot of crying and heart-to-heart discussions. Trust was re-built and earned again and everything was good. But, the first summer I came back from college and he got arrested for a DUI. His arrest history was downhill from there. He got arrested for suspended license and possession charges a few times after that.

    I worked so hard to finish college early so I could move back to South Florida and begin my life with him. So, when I was coming home for Thanksgiving (a few weeks before graduation), he got arrested again for a fight. He went to jail for a year. So, he missed my graduation and I moved back in with my parents and started working at a really good job in South Florida that I had lined up while I was in school. We were supposed to move in with each other and I was going to work at this great job. During this time, I did not visit him in jail. I was so upset that our plans were ruined. So, I moved on, dated and had another serious relationship. He got out of jail but we didn't really hook up like we used to because I was involved. I broke up with that boyfriend and later began another serious relationship with Boyfriend #3. Boyfriend #3 treated me soooo bad. I cooked dinner one evening and had a couple of drinks. He came home super pissed and kicked me out. I got in my car under the influence and ended up with a major accident and a DUI. D was there for me the entire time I was crying over what happened.

    Needless to say, he ended up in jail again for a serious drug charge, something that happened at a club, and he spent just under a year in jail. This morning I get a phone call and its him. He told me that he was just released from jail yesterday but is on house-arrest until March 2009. He invited me over his house for DVD movies and dinner... I am so confused... We never ever officially broke up... He has just been in and out of jail for related and new charges since my sophomore year of college (6 years).... I have dated and had two other serious relationships but nobody has loved or treated me like he has...

    He is a kind-hearted guy, just has made some super bad choices, just like most people in their early twenties do. My parents say that he was profiled because he is black, and him and I are an example of "institutional genocide" (like breaking up families through jail), my parents were all part of the civil rights and black prida era, and said they saw the profiling-era coming. So they are saying that he is pretty much a good guy that got caught up in the system at 19 years old and if he loves you like no other, than so be it... They want me to be happy.

    DUI, suspended licenses, possession, fighting, more drugs... I don't know what to think, say, or do... It sounds like he has had an addiction problem these past few years while I was in college and it just has snowballed from there...

    Anyway, I just got the call this morning so maybe I should just let all of this marinate...

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    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    "DUI, suspended licenses, possession, fighting, more drugs" This is not an isolated incident. He's a habitual, repeat offender of a variety of crimes. If it had been just one thing, I would agree with your parents, but it's not so I don't.

    You're a college graduate and probably a beautiful girl. There is a decent, law abiding guy out there who will love you more than you can imagine. Don't fall into another relationship with him because it's what you know. Nothing good will come from it.

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    Featured Member iseestars's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    I'm with a guy who has been in and out of jail for the past few years and currently is in there for another month. It is possible that the police know who he is and profile him because they figure he'll be an easy target. (they'll do that to my boyfriend - pull him over for some dumb reason and arrest him on things that most people would have just got a ticket on). If he does have an addiction problem - he needs to get help asap. If he refuses or goes and still uses whatever, leave him. He's too far in the hole. If you honestly think that he can clean up and lead a normal, crime free life (and I have a few friends who were able to do this after a few rough years after turning 18), then you and him should move to another city and start back over someplace fresh.

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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    Quote Originally Posted by Honey71783 View Post
    Our relationship was wonderful. He treated me like a Queen and I felt first class whereever we went (dinners, dancing, trips, outings with friends).....

    We had a problem when a girl called me and told me that she was pregnant by him. (The whole story is posted in a previous thread). She had an abortion. D and I worked things out after alot of crying and heart-to-heart discussions. Trust was re-built and earned again and everything was good....

    .... I have dated and had two other serious relationships but nobody has loved or treated me like he has...

    My parents say that he was profiled because he is black, and him and I are an example of "institutional genocide" (like breaking up families through jail), my parents were all part of the civil rights and black prida era, and said they saw the profiling-era coming.
    you felt treated like a queen, yet he got another girl pregnant, which could have put YOU at risk for stds? honey, you're being manipulated. just because the other guys you dated treated you worse, doesnt excuse his behavior.

    his race is NOT a reason for being in there. sorry, but this sounds like some serious stuff he's done. i could agree with iseestars that he may be more likely to be targeted due to his record, but that is not uncommon, nor race-based.

    also if he has these issues, how do you know he wont decide that you're standing in his way and you wont be his next victim? as the saying goes, 'you always hurt the ones you love the most'. you have a degree and a good job, you have so much going for you, please move on.

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    Featured Member Brooke's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    If you love him and he loves you and your parents consider him part of the family and a good guy... I admit I am rooting for him!

    Clearly some things about his life need to change. You have to remember that you can't change him and yoou can't be the reason he changes. But if he is ready to change on his own, then I think you can be there to help and support and love him.

    I would caution you against investing too much in him before he shows you he can stay off drugs and out of jail. I'm sure moving on was hard the first time, and it would be just as hard again if you jump in head first. But if you give him a chance to show you that he wants a life you can be a part of, and over time you build trust that he has turned around, maybe you can have a future together.

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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    Let's pretend that you are a third party and a friend of yours came to you and told you these things about a guy she has a thing for....


    "my ex-boyfriend, 'D', African-American suburban guy-next-door, was released from jail yesterday"

    "a girl called me and told me that she was pregnant by him"

    "the first summer I came back from college and he got arrested for a DUI."

    "His arrest history was downhill from there."

    "He got arrested for suspended license and possession charges a few times after that. "

    "he got arrested again for a fight. He went to jail for a year."

    "he ended up in jail again for a serious drug charge, something that happened at a club, and he spent just under a year in jail."

    "he was just released from jail yesterday but is on house-arrest until March 2009."

    "He has just been in and out of jail for related and new charges since my sophomore year of college (6 years)"

    What kind of reaction would you have?

    I can tell you my reaction....are you crazy? You can't do better than this? You are a college-educated woman who is apparently attractive enough to be a stripper. You apparently also have a good job. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Guys should be lining up to be with you, and you are telling us that you want this guy that has spent half of his adult life in prison?

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    God/dess Elvia's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    He's not going to change. Even if it's "profiling," well...it's not like he's innocent. He really did it all! Personally, I couldn't see a future with a bf who was stupid enough to keep breaking the law over and over again. It seems highly likely this pattern is going to continue.

    Don't kid yourself. This is not the kind of innocent trouble that "most people" in their early 20's get into. Whether he's being unfairly targeted because of race doesn't really matter all that much. Most of us would still have enough sense to, say, stop dealing drugs, getting in fights and driving under the influence/without a license.

    Really, great guy or not...where can this go? Do you want a drug dealing husband who's in and out of jail?

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    Featured Member iseestars's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    Quote Originally Posted by lemmiwinks31 View Post
    Obviously I dont know the details...but Isee, If YOU were on parole, or had a previous record, wouldnt you be SURE that you NEVER did anything to get arrested again? Even if you got profiled and pulled over? Wouldnt you make sure that they wouldnt find ANYTHING?

    for example, if you have been busted carrying weed on a couple of occasions(say 3 times if you actually did jail time) Wouldnt you make SURE that you didnt ever have weed on you?...or at the very least, only get high at home? Seems like an easy sacrifice when you compare it to doing more time.

    You're right, you don't know the details. I said, he'll get arrested on things that people might just get a ticket for. Which was right after you stopped my quote. I didn't realize there was a ticket for carrying weed. He has been arrested for being in a neighborhood he didn't live in, for telling a cop to quit harassing someone, and stuff like that. A cop can almost always find something to arrest someone for. You have obviously never been in my situation. I put my situation out there, because I can relate but I didn't ask for someone who has no idea what they are talking about for advice on it.

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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    Quote Originally Posted by lemmiwinks31 View Post
    You have to ask yourself why you think you dont deserve better than this guy.
    Refer to the part where she mentions her parents; somehow I don't think common sense has been a big part of her life growing up.

    I'm sorry for being harsh, but for the life of me, I can't understand how any parent would be ok with their educated daughter dating a convict who has cheated on her and spent most of his adulthood in jail! Their politically correct rationalizations of his criminal record is just mind boggling!

    Again, sorry for the brutal honesty. But what the parents are doing here is absolutely ridiculous and explains why she has a hard time seeing the big picture.
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    Quote Originally Posted by TarsTone View Post
    Refer to the part where she mentions her parents; somehow I don't think common sense has been a big part of her life growing up.

    I'm sorry for being harsh, but for the life of me, I can't understand how any parent would be ok with their educated daughter dating a convict who has cheated on her and spent most of his adulthood in jail! Their politically correct rationalizations of his criminal record is just mind boggling!

    Again, sorry for the brutal honesty. But what the parents are doing here is absolutely ridiculous and explains why she has a hard time seeing the big picture.
    what she said
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    Veteran Member Alia_of_the_Knife's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    You have been with this guy since you were 14 years old. No one seems as sweet as ones first love especially when viewed through the gaga eyes of adolescence. You have only had 2 serious boyfriends since and it is no definable proof that this is the only man in the world for you.

    You have no obligations to him. The whole idea of your parents saying that it is institutional genocide by breaking up a family is ludicrous because you and your boyfriend are not, and never have been a family no much how you ever cared for him. The two of you were never married and don't have any children. You should feel no obligation to him.

    I would even argue that there is even quite a bit of sexism at work. Sober men are rarely encouraged to visit drug addicted women in prison but women are encouraged to stand by their man. In this world you have to look out for yourself and your own happiness first.
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    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    Everyone so far has offered good insight. In life shit happens and there are many people in jail for crimes they didn't commit, that's the harshh reality of life.

    Ultimately the choice is yours Honey, if it were me. I'd focus on myself for a while.
    D does sound like he has a good side but only he can change himself. I've witnessed a many man do that with the help of a good woman and I've also seen
    a many man bring a good woman down, leave her with a couple of kids and continue to live a life of foolishness. You know D better than anyone on this board.
    I'm hoping you know yourself well enough to know when it's time to just do you.

    Good luck in your decision..
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    Quote Originally Posted by Honey71783 View Post
    So, my ex-boyfriend, 'D', African-American suburban guy-next-door, was released from jail yesterday and I'm so frickin' confused now. D and I were on and off since I was 14 years old and all throughout my high school years. Our relationship was wonderful. He treated me like a Queen and I felt first class whereever we went (dinners, dancing, trips, outings with friends). I figured he had alot of good friends, business relationships, and connections. So, my senior year of high school, I was accepted to a top university about 600 miles away. We decided to have a long distance relationship and I left for school. We saw each other almost every two or three weeks, and for extended periods of time (ranging from one to three months) during the entire Christmas, spring, and summer breaks (it was like it used to be when I lived at home).

    So, my freshman year of college was super hard emotionally. We had a problem when a girl called me and told me that she was pregnant by him. (The whole story is posted in a previous thread). She had an abortion. D and I worked things out after alot of crying and heart-to-heart discussions. Trust was re-built and earned again and everything was good. But, the first summer I came back from college and he got arrested for a DUI. His arrest history was downhill from there. He got arrested for suspended license and possession charges a few times after that.

    I worked so hard to finish college early so I could move back to South Florida and begin my life with him. So, when I was coming home for Thanksgiving (a few weeks before graduation), he got arrested again for a fight. He went to jail for a year. So, he missed my graduation and I moved back in with my parents and started working at a really good job in South Florida that I had lined up while I was in school. We were supposed to move in with each other and I was going to work at this great job. During this time, I did not visit him in jail. I was so upset that our plans were ruined. So, I moved on, dated and had another serious relationship. He got out of jail but we didn't really hook up like we used to because I was involved. I broke up with that boyfriend and later began another serious relationship with Boyfriend #3. Boyfriend #3 treated me soooo bad. I cooked dinner one evening and had a couple of drinks. He came home super pissed and kicked me out. I got in my car under the influence and ended up with a major accident and a DUI. D was there for me the entire time I was crying over what happened.

    Needless to say, he ended up in jail again for a serious drug charge, something that happened at a club, and he spent just under a year in jail. This morning I get a phone call and its him. He told me that he was just released from jail yesterday but is on house-arrest until March 2009. He invited me over his house for DVD movies and dinner... I am so confused... We never ever officially broke up... He has just been in and out of jail for related and new charges since my sophomore year of college (6 years).... I have dated and had two other serious relationships but nobody has loved or treated me like he has...

    He is a kind-hearted guy, just has made some super bad choices, just like most people in their early twenties do. My parents say that he was profiled because he is black, and him and I are an example of "institutional genocide" (like breaking up families through jail), my parents were all part of the civil rights and black prida era, and said they saw the profiling-era coming. So they are saying that he is pretty much a good guy that got caught up in the system at 19 years old and if he loves you like no other, than so be it... They want me to be happy.

    DUI, suspended licenses, possession, fighting, more drugs... I don't know what to think, say, or do... It sounds like he has had an addiction problem these past few years while I was in college and it just has snowballed from there...

    Anyway, I just got the call this morning so maybe I should just let all of this marinate...
    Wow, both you and you're parents are nuts.

  14. #14
    Honey71783
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    Thanks everyone for your valuable advice. I have decided to leave him alone and make a commitment to work on my career for the next several years.

    I still feel that he was an easy target for police because he started getting into trouble at 19. I do believe that South Florida does participate in racial profiling. Knowing those things, I would have stopped all bad things if I were in his shoes... with a girlfriend who had carefully planned the upcoming years of their lives together... He was a dummy...

    I guess I was feeling very nostalgic from our relationship as adolescents and young adults. His call brought back all those memories, his love for me, and the good times that we had together. But, obviously he is not the guy for me if he could not keep himself out of jail after all of the hard work I did to graduate and relocate to South Florida with a good job.

    What put the nail in the coffin --- He hasn't called back in two days and he sent me a text message last night saying "sleep tight man". I don't like to be called a "man" because I am not one. Couldn't he have sent a text saying, "sleep tight babe" or "sleep tight sweetie" or "sleep tight honey" And I don't have the energy to send one back and say "man?! wtf?"

    It's super sad that he had to get involved with the justice system at such a young age and hasn't been able to get out in the past few years. If he really did care about our future then he would have stayed out for me... Just like I have accomplished manys goals in my life for "myself or other people or other things" that I have been committed to. Like, if I'm having a real hard time finding a reason to continue to do what I am doing to better myself or get ahead in life (i.e. completing school, saving instead of shopping, etc.) then make up an excuse and do it for my parents, or my brother, or my cats, or that unthought-of child that I will be having 10+ years from now, or trailblazing women, or for my generation, or for society as awhole, or for that dessert I'm going to have tonight (going to the gym)... He couldn't even do that for me, someone that he claimed he loved that is living, walking, breathing, feeling... he's crazy... If I asked someone to plan our lives together and then proceeded to skipout or completely ruin the plans to the millionth degree, honestly, I would be scared to contact them... you would have to be very crazy to do that to someone repititously... But, how the saying goes, "first time, shame on you... second time, shame on me..." It won't happen to me again...

    My parents just want me to be happy and they have always taught on the philosophy of learning from experience so, I guess that's why they took the macro-approach of the situation and tried to take whatever side I was taking at the time... What is the only way that they can side with me on situation like this (if I choose him)? blame it on the system... lol.... In actuality, I think they (and I) would be much happier if I was alone than with a guy that treated me horribley or a criminal that "loved" me but always made me cry because of his problems and broken promises... I have to give them recognition for being behind me 100% of the time and for allowing my to rationally think out my decisions on my own.... Although, it is hard since I have been told to do everything my entire life (school, work, extracurriculars, church, etc.).

    Thanks again... I really don't want to be with him because he lost sight of "us" while he was accumulating all these problems and now he has way too many legal problems. He's going to start knocking at my door when he gets off of house arrest in March but I'll be moving out-of-state in June... So, I'll have two months to fend off his phone calls, visits, flowers, gifts, and jewelry... wish me luck...

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    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    You know what the biggest problem is, other than the criminal record? He's the same person he was when he was an adolescent, and you changed and grew. He's never going to be your equal. He'll just be dragging you down.

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    God/dess Elvia's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    Well said Viola. That really sums it up well.

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    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    Ditto on that ! That what really messes up a relationship, one mate move forward while the other is moving in reverse !

    Good for you Honey, stick to your guns.
    My new love...is me !

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  18. #18
    Honey71783
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    He has called... left messages... but I haven't answered or called back... Am I right?... I feel bad... Maybe he just wants to be friends... LOL... Who am I kidding?!

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    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    Stay on the path you've designed for yourself. If he is worth having in your life, then he'll get his shit together ( on his own !!).
    Stand your grounds girl !
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
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  20. #20
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    Do you have kids??

  21. #21
    Honey71783
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    Default Re: My Ex-Boyfriend Was Released From Jail Yesterday...

    No... He got me pregnant at 17 but we had an abortion... I had just received all my scholarship money to go off to college so I could not keep the baby...

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