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Thread: I want to talk to my boyfriend! (long)

  1. #1
    Senior Member moll_flanders's Avatar
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    Default I want to talk to my boyfriend! (long)

    Hey everyone,

    So I'm sitting in the kitchen with my boyfriend lying in bed in the other room and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

    He is the kind of guy who hates talking about feelings, relationship issues, or anything personal about himself.

    This morning, we were having breakfast when he made a comment that upset me. We were talking about this internship that I do to build up my resume. It's hard work, dull, and I don't enjoy it. I've told him this a few times before. He says, "Oh, I think you say you don't enjoy it but you really do. I'm sure you get something good out of it if you keep doing it."

    This comment sounds pretty innocuous, right? But I felt frustrated that he brushed aside everything that I had actually told him and replaced it with this kind of conjecture. Of course, most of the frustration had roots in a bigger issue, which is that I feel like he does this a lot. Ignores things I tell him explicitly and decides that I "really meant" something else.

    So I got upset and the rest of breakfast was pretty quiet, since there were people all around and I didn't feel like chit chatting but also didn't want them listening in to a serious talk. In the car, I tried to explain as I did above. However, he didn't buy it and kept protesting that he had just been trying to make conversation.

    We get to his place, where I'm staying the weekend. He had plans with his friend and I had to study, so we both needed to go our separate ways. But he left without saying goodbye - came up, grabbed his bag, turned around and drove off.

    I should explain that I have a pretty quick temper and mood swings, and he's suffered unfairly from these quite a few times and I know that they frustrate him. Although I told him that my anger was based in something real and not in my mood or temper, he may not have believed me. Even if he did, it probably still called up memories of all the times I've snapped at him and not really meant it.

    At this point, I knew that he was mad that I was mad and that he would most likely be gone all day, come home, be super quiet, and not want to talk. So after several hours I decided to write him a letter explaining how I felt. I explained why I had gotten so upset over his comment and also stated that I was concerned about our lack of communication over important issues. I wrote that I thought we really needed to discuss problems that come up, or else we will never be able to fix them. I concluded by saying that I care about him a whole hell of a lot and I really hope that we can talk about things.

    He came home late, we exchanged a couple of pleasantries, and he immediately popped in a movie. I thought, ok, I won't disturb him until he's settled in. So when the movie ended, I asked him if he would take a look at something. Showed him the letter on my laptop and went into the other room. He came in after a couple of minutes and started straightening things up, without saying a word.

    Finally, I said, "If you want to talk, just let me know." He said, "Ok." More silence. I said, "Can you tell me anything about what you're thinking?" He said, "I'm not in the mood to talk right now."

    Turns off the lights, gets in bed. I asked if I should leave and he told me that I didn't have to. Sat there for a few minutes feeling like I had absolutely no clue what to do, and then I remembered Stripperweb and thought that maybe someone with some skills in relationships could help me out.

    My main problem is that right now I'm absolutely in the dark. I assume that he still thinks I was overreacting to the comment he made this morning, but I don't know for sure, and I have no idea what he thinks of my request for better communication. If I know him, he will MAYBE write a reply email sometime this week. More probably, though, he will call in the later part of the week, act as though nothing happened, and tell me about some event that's going on this weekend. Or hell, maybe he won't call for a while, because he might be super mad - I have no way of knowing.

    So, can anyone help me with a fresh perspective? What should I do so that we can actually have a discussion?

  2. #2
    Veteran Member anelia's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to talk to my boyfriend! (long)

    hey, you just posted this right around the same time i posted mine, otherwise i wouldn't have caught it.

    he sounds like most guys...not wanting to talk about things and acting like you're a whole lot of work. but also different from a lot of guys in that, in the things he says to you, it sounds like he really is trying to process what you're saying. i say that because even if he's wrong in what he says, it's worth pointing out that he is trying to say anything about what you said AT ALL.

    i say you go crawl in bed with him and tell him you wrote him a long letter that you hope he'll read later, and for now can you just not be mad at each other and cuddle and/or sex. and then you can check sw tomorrow, when this will be full of real advice. i'm a romantic at heart, and i think you should go get some nookie and forget about communication problems!

    english is a fucked up language. i think it was designed to trap us into always fighting with each other. seriously. i bet your bf has no idea what is happening, and will never know even if he does read your letter.

    good luck with your relationship! i kinda wish i had a bf to be fighting with right now....hehe.
    "I'm teaching fools some basic rules. / I believe in the Golden Rule. The man with the gold rules. / I made a little money.
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  3. #3
    Veteran Member anelia's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to talk to my boyfriend! (long)

    woops, i didn't read the part about that he already read the letter, and acted weird afterwards. i dont know what that means.

    i still say put off the talk and show some affection...life is short. we could wake up tomorrow and the stock market crashed and this winter a hundred million people starve to death. you should be asleep in the arms of your lover!
    "I'm teaching fools some basic rules. / I believe in the Golden Rule. The man with the gold rules. / I made a little money.
    And like the Bible says, I was enjoying the fruits of my labor. This is my comeback. This is me doing what I love to do." -- Mr. T

    "In the street I am my divine self. In the club I am a stripper, portraying a fantasy.
    That's not to say anybody can do or say anything to me but it's acting. Playing a role. That simple." -- Pure


    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Senior Member muladoll's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to talk to my boyfriend! (long)

    Hi I completely feel for you and am going through almost the same exact thing. It seem you don't live with your bf, so at least you can leave the scene.

    My issues are similar than yours in that apparently my dancing bothers my bf. When we first started dating, he said he no problem with it and I thought it was true because I met him at work. Just last week he told me it bothers him. I live with my bf and things have gotten very tense. Same as your bf and many men that at least I had relationships with, they just don't want to talk about feelings. My experience is that they either get pissed off and try to blame the situation back on us or they get mad storm off, and them come back as if nothing happened. Exactly like you said, they talk about some event going in in their day etc., just chit chat stuff. I'm thinking what the fuck. All these little things build up in each one of us and pretty soon we are all fighting about stupid shit because, like you said, there is a deeper issue.

    Things from this point on do not get better if you are willing to let it go. You need to call him or write to him etc. Btw I do the same thing with my bf when things get heated. I write him a 3-4 page letter because I know he won't interrupt or storm off in the process of me opening up. Anyway, tell him that you want to talk to him when he is calm, and of course you have to calm to. This is exactly what I'm doing tonight when my bf gets home because I'm at my wits.

    To prepare myself for this talk, I have written my feelings to myself about what bothers me about the relationship. Of course I have my faults too. Like you I have snapped at him on many occasions, and now I seem to be scapegoat for everything. He no longer takes responsibility for anything that I perceive is inappropriate on his behalf. His response to me now is, "Oh you're just overreacting as usual". It's hard to make a point when, yes, I've screwed up many times with my moodiness.

    Anyway, write down all the points that you need to make to him. Tell him that you need him to listen to you and not interrupt, and that when you are done, you'd like for him to give you his input. Also tell him that you realize that you've done wrong to and list the things you think you've done. Tell him you don't want to argue or blame, but rather want to express yourself and figure out a way to get along, etc., with both of your inputs, since it is a 2 person relationship. Once he starts to talk to you, remember that he may be defensive or mad or whatever. While you listen to him talk, remember to concentrate on your breathing and really listen to him objectively. You almost have to pretend that you are watching a movie and watching you bf express himself and don't interrupt him. It will make it much easier if you have control of your emotions, as you talk, and as you listen to him. When he is done you may have additional comments or whatever, but come up with a solution together.

    The most important thing is to try really hard not to point fingers and accuse him or make him feel crappy. Men have huge egos that get hurt very easily. Couple that the fact that many men were not taught and do not know how to express their feelings. It can pretty heated. Just be prepared, calm, and know exactly what you want to say to him.

    I wish you luck, but it's really is something you need to do. Things have gotten so bad for me here that we aren't even sleeping together anymore. I've only been with my man for 6 months. That's pretty pathetic.

    I'm having "the talk" with him today. I'm nervous so I took a little xany. Wish me luck. Let us know how it goes.

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    Default Re: I want to talk to my boyfriend! (long)

    Some people don't handle deep things very well - i had a wonderful bf once who was fantastic but couldn't handle it when i needed to talk to him about my anxiety - he drove me to the train station, sent me an email saying he didn't want to see me anymore and i never heard from him again!

    Poor/ lack of communication is the worse thing for a relationship - i recognize this scenario from my previous relationship and unless you can really sit down and talk it through and agree to makes changes it isn't going to get any better. In my case it got worse to the point that i felt i wasn't even a real part of his life.

    Maybe these guys are not for you - i now have a fiance who is amazingly adept at picking up on my feelings and moods and talking things through with me and i realize that this is what i need in a relationship.

    I hope that both of you can be strong and realize that you have a right to be listened to and understood and loved.

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    Default Re: I want to talk to my boyfriend! (long)

    ^^ You two mostly have differences in your personalities and largely don't appreciate the differences between them. Do you know your Myers-Briggs personality types and the explanations about them? If not, you could do that online.

    For example maybe he was talking about the future of your apprecticeship and you were talking about the present of it. Those is the kind of differences I mean. So that if you two know how your response affects the other person, within their outlook, you might get along a lot better.

    Do a search here on elsewhere online and think about gaining the insight that the test will bring to you.
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    Default Re: I want to talk to my boyfriend! (long)

    Ugggg! This is why im single, comunication is key. If you guys cant communicate, what do you have? I think your letting him slide, hes an adult, right? He should act like one.

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    God/dess hockeybobby's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to talk to my boyfriend! (long)

    Men should talk more and express their feelings more. Uh huh. What planet do you live on? He should talk more to you and express his feelings and inner thoughts to you. But the fact is he doesn't. Wishing, hoping, or demanding that this not be so will not change the reality, but notice how it makes you feel inside when you think the thought "he should talk more to me and express his feelings".

    That thought is what makes you feel awful. If you weren't thinking about it over and over you'd feel much more calm. A truer statement or thought would be "I (moll) should talk more and express my feelings more". You are the one who likes all the talk and expressing feelings, therefore you should do it. This is exactly what you are doing when you write emails, and post on SW. Go ahead and express yourself...start a blog or a written journal.

    Let him be what he is, and you be what you are. You'll both feel much better.

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    Senior Member moll_flanders's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to talk to my boyfriend! (long)

    Thanks for all your really thoughtful responses!

    Muladoll - OMG that is crazy. Sounds exactly like what I'm dealing with. I think you're right that men aren't ever taught or encouraged to be open about their feelings, and so we get situations like these. I wish you best of luck!

    As for me, I think I have presented my side of things pretty well - he read my letter already. I was really calm and friendly and honestly I wasn't mad when I asked him to read it, just wanted to talk and reconcile. However, when I asked him for input, his response was that he didn't want to talk about it right then. Maybe that means that he will discuss things with me at some point soon. We'll see.

    Anelia - I thought about crawling into bed and cuddling with him last night. However, I felt like I had intruded enough on his private space. He needs a lot of space and trying to get him to open up was already going beyond his comfort zone. So I slept on the couch.

    Threlayer - yeah, we do have different and usually complementary personalities. I should make more of an effort to understand where he's coming from, that's true. And I can do that.

    Hockeybobby - as far as communication goes, I'm not just asking him to express himself and open up because it would make me feel better. I've long accepted that I'll never hear much about certain aspects of his life and his personality. That's ok. When we have issues between us, though, it just doesn't work to ignore them - they'll never go away. I mean, what if something really serious comes up? Say that in a few years, I want kids and he doesn't, just for an example. And we try to talk about it, and things get a little heated, and he goes away for the whole day and comes home and tries to make chit chat and pretend that the issue never came up. And I try to bring it up again, and repeat the whole scenario. Nothing ever gets solved. Without communication, a couple is fine as long as there aren't any problems. When something comes up, though, that's pretty much the end.

    For the past several months, I've been following his style of ignoring stuff for the most part, because real problems have never come up. Honestly, the issue of him not believing everything I say isn't a dealbreaker. To explain it more, his comment about the internship was just the tip of the iceberg. Much of the reason it bothered me was that he sometimes likes to do play in bed that I really, really dislike (ok, it's tickling). I've told him over and over that I absolutely cannot stand it, but he insists that I must like it "because you're laughing the entire time." I tell him that even though I am, I still hate it, but he doesn't believe me and then he does it again. Same with a couple of other things he does. He tickled me again on Friday night, again I yelled at him to stop for a while before he actually did, and he just didn't get it. This is disturbing to me, but not worth jeopardizing the relationship over. However, the whole lack of communication over the issue is even more disturbing and now that I see how bad it is, I am really concerned.

    You're right that it is just not in his makeup to discuss things like this. We talked about it once before and he told me that actually, every relationship he's ever had has ended because the woman wanted more communication. (Ironically, him saying this was one of the best communications we ever shared.) I asked him if he thought it was possible to change and he said no, it's just not in him. So... yeah. I have a feeling that he may be repeating this to me soon. I'm not sure what will happen after that.

    In conclusion: Relationships take a lot of maturity! There were so many times yesterday when I just wanted to bail and go home and ignore him right back, and I had to force myself to try and understand his perspective and to wait for him at his place and work things through. It's worth it, though.

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    Veteran Member blayze's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to talk to my boyfriend! (long)

    him saying that he will never change is not a genetic issue. it is a CHOICE. he doesn't want to put the time and/or effort into it, because he doesn't see it as an issue whatsoever. if and when he realizes it, you have to hope that its not too late for your relationship. his CHOICE to not try to communicate with you is showing his maturity level.

    also, about the tickling, if you want it to stop you need to MAKE it stop. you need to change your method of communication to not just words. obviously, words mean very little to him. actions are what gets through this man's skull. next time he does it, stop having sex. seriously. do not let it continue. that is the only thing that will communicate to him that you do not like it. this man seems to need the communication levels that you would use with an animal. (i'd say dog, but that just seems so... cliche? female elitist? of me. lol)

    in order to see the behavior hange, your actions must change to acheive the desired results. if you do not change YOUR behavior about the communication issue, how can you expect his to change? he does not seem to listen to what you have to say, so you need to SHOW him what is acceptable to you, and what is not. a system of rewards and positive and negative reinforcement would probably work well.

    for example, the tickling, he starts tickling you, you get up, with a completely stone cold look, say, "I DON'T LIKE THAT. i have asked you to stop MULTIPLE times, and its a complete turn off to me. please respect my boundaries." get copletely and totally dressed, walk away. and actually, any sexual activity right after that would not be a good idea, since that doesn't drive the point home that you DON'T LIKE IT. next time, if he does it again, repeat it, until he stops it. because he'll eventually realize that you seriously mean business about enjoying your sex, and if you're not enjoying him, then like hell is he enjoying you.

    ignoring him right back probably won't help. just reinforce the lack of ommunication. instead, draw him out, ask leading questions. "what did you do today?" instead of "how was your day?" the first requires a longer, more thought out, communicative answer. the second only merits a "good." "fine." etc answer. then smoothly transition into what YOU did, so that you are establishing a conversation, and getting him into the habit of talking and communicating with you. simply waiting for him to ask (which i understand is nice!) isn't gonna work. once he's used to and comfortable with the conversations, like when he's in the habit of it, waiting for him to ask what you did would work, as he'd be used to hearing about it, and grow accustomed to it...

    pretty much, you'll have to TEACH him how to communicate, which requires action on your part, not just talking about the lack of communication. at the same time, he has to be willing to try. although, you don't have to discuss this all with him and get his "ok" to teach him. just do it. haha...

    cmmunication in a relationship is something that you build up to, its about trust, and respect as well. if he cannot trust you with his thoughts and opinions, don't pressure him into it. trust is reciprocal. and respecting his space is essential as well. give him time to think, guys are slower at it than women are. you should also respect his viewpoints, it is essential to understanding him. as well as essential in keeping the communication going well. pouncing on him for his views and opinions is not respecting them.

    baby steps...

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