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Thread: Love issues...

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    Member elizabeth20042007's Avatar
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    Default Love issues...

    Well I wouldn't really call them "love" issues...It's more a rant/reflection and I was wondering if anyone else feels the same way.

    I have this issue...I'm not into commitment at all. In fact, I dislike it. Yeah yeah, I get the point of it and the importance, but I just don't want it. I'm just not wired that way. But I keep meeting people I'm interested in and are interested in me. When this happens, I usually have sex with them and it creates a problem.

    I'm really honest. I always tell them that I don't want commitment, or that I do care about them and I'd rather keep things the way they are, but people honestly can't seem to get the fact that you can care about someone and NOT be in a relationship, or want one. I get that the way I feel about these things isn't how most people feel, and it can be hurtful to people but I honestly don't mean to hurt anyone. And I've tried being in relationships with people I did care about and it ended terribly because I never wanted the commitment in the first place...I was just doing it to make them happy, but I totally wasn't.

    People connect all of these things to love that I honestly do not, so it makes it difficult. And then they get angry with me when I won't "show" them I love them by committing, and commitment does not equal love/caring to me. I'm at a lost for what to do...my only options seem to be to live a celibate lifestyle or act like I don't give a shit about people, which isn't true. There's always a possibility of change but I've always thought and felt this way, so I doubt it. It's really annoying when people tell me I'll change my mind, like being obsessed with commitment is normal versus being apathetic to it. Anyways...
    You only live once.

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    Veteran Member Fenriswolf's Avatar
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    Default Re: Love issues...

    I think it's just a fucking hard slog really. I'm in a committed relationship and intend to stay that way but if we split up I am never doing this again. It is the antithesis of my personality.

    I drifted into it because I was depressed, still am in fact and only 5 years later am I trying to do something about it. This is not to say our relationship is unhealthy, it's pretty damn good and I adore him. But I didn't have the strength in my convictions I have now. So yes I want to be with him because he's a freak like me in so many ways. Maybe one day I'll corrupt him, but I don't want to manipulate him so right now I just have to accept monogamy and vanilla sex.

    I've been lucky, I had a few fuck buddies before we got together (I was with my first boyfriend 16 - 17, single and making up for lost time 17 - 18-and-a-bit, then I ended up in a monogamous relationship at 18! Not my life plan!) and they were all really good, all but one I still like a lot as people and that one just wasn't mature enough to deal with it. Hell, he was only 20 and as I said above I'm a freak.

    My advice for what it's worth it to stick with what you know you're happy with. America's a bit more puritan than NZ so it's possibly a bit harder to find other people like you but there are plenty of them out there.

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    Featured Member greggy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Love issues...

    Enjoy the fact that you have the ability to abstain from what society pressures us to do. And as long as you remain up front from the get go about what you want (and don't want), then it's the other person't fault for putting themselves in a position to get hurt.

    If you ever want to commit, you'll do it, so don't cave in if it's not what you want. And don't feel guilty for being in touch with what works for you; not many people are lucky enough to be aware of such a thing.

    Besides, guys pull that sh*t with us all the time so that's what they get (pardon me, I'm feeling unfriendly towards men right now).

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    Default Re: Love issues...

    this is exactly why i prefer "open" relationships. i love "loving" someone, but until i have a ring on my finger im not going to commit myself to anyone... and why should i??? men cheat all the time. they keep their options open. why is it that women so often find a guy that is great , date him for a month, and then decide omg this is my soulmate i wanna marry himn and have all ten of his children blah blah blah. that might not have come out right. im not bashing the ladies who are happily commited, not at all, but i wonder why so many stay loyal to men who are secretly keeping their options open. maybe ima bit cynical??

    so what about open relationships? is this not an option for you? that way you kind of get the best of both worlds... or is it just the idea of having a boyfriend (or girlfriend), that bothers you? is it the title or the aspect of not being able to explore other situations?

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    Default Re: Love issues...

    You have to be true to yourself.

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    Default Re: Love issues...

    I used to be in a monogamous relationship for 3 years, but when we broke up, I admit I did get around a bit. OK, I may as well admit I was a slut by society's standards. The whole thing pisses me off. Why am I a slut, but a guy who has slept with a similar number of women is a "player" and a "stud". May as well order a chastity belt from the Medieval Catalog while we're at it.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
    Tempest

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    Default Re: Love issues...

    Takes a variety of people to make a world.

    Some of us seek nothing but 'committed' relationships, others find them confining.

    I always feel it's best to go with the flow. I'll do friendships, relationships or anything in between with a girl - depends what she wants. What I won't do is try and make the other person conform to a pattern they don't want to.

    All I ask from a girl is that they're true and honest with me and if we agree any ground rules they stick to them.

    Phil.

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    Member elizabeth20042007's Avatar
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    Default Re: Love issues...

    Quote Originally Posted by QueenNariia View Post
    this is exactly why i prefer "open" relationships. i love "loving" someone, but until i have a ring on my finger im not going to commit myself to anyone... and why should i??? men cheat all the time. they keep their options open. why is it that women so often find a guy that is great , date him for a month, and then decide omg this is my soulmate i wanna marry himn and have all ten of his children blah blah blah. that might not have come out right. im not bashing the ladies who are happily commited, not at all, but i wonder why so many stay loyal to men who are secretly keeping their options open. maybe ima bit cynical??

    so what about open relationships? is this not an option for you? that way you kind of get the best of both worlds... or is it just the idea of having a boyfriend (or girlfriend), that bothers you? is it the title or the aspect of not being able to explore other situations?
    I don't like open relationships. I don't think that most people could remain not possessive and not jealous, basically emotionally neutral with me. Another reason is because, I'll be honest...I like being with someone but that kind of emotion doesn't last with me...I am either thoroughly passionate with someone, kind of like a spark and then it dies. That is just how I think of people...they're fun, it isn't like I don't care about them but once we have that connection and I get to know who they are, I'm done with them. It doesn't mean I want to shut them out of my life but the intimacy that we established can't continue because I don't want to sacrifice my personal wants/freedom and I'm ready to move on. Haha.

    So basically I can't do open relationships either. Ha
    You only live once.

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    Default Re: Love issues...

    I see nothing wrong with having sex with someone you care for but do not wish to commit to them if you are both honest about it and accept it as it is. I see a lot wrong with having sex with someone you don't care for at all.

    However, sex is often a lot of fun in spite of that.
    I loved going to strip clubs; I actually made some friends there. Now things are different for the clubs and for me. As a result I am not as happy.

    Customers are not entitled to grope, disrespect, or rob strippers. This is their job, not their hobby, and they all need income. Clubs are not just some erotic show for guys to view while drinking.

    NOTE: anything I post here, outside of a direct quote, is my opinion only, which I am entitled to. Take it for what you estimate it is worth.

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    Veteran Member missmays1983's Avatar
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    Default Re: Love issues...

    Quote Originally Posted by elizabeth20042007 View Post
    Well I wouldn't really call them "love" issues...It's more a rant/reflection and I was wondering if anyone else feels the same way.

    I have this issue...I'm not into commitment at all. In fact, I dislike it. Yeah yeah, I get the point of it and the importance, but I just don't want it. I'm just not wired that way. But I keep meeting people I'm interested in and are interested in me. When this happens, I usually have sex with them and it creates a problem.

    I'm really honest. I always tell them that I don't want commitment, or that I do care about them and I'd rather keep things the way they are, but people honestly can't seem to get the fact that you can care about someone and NOT be in a relationship, or want one. I get that the way I feel about these things isn't how most people feel, and it can be hurtful to people but I honestly don't mean to hurt anyone. And I've tried being in relationships with people I did care about and it ended terribly because I never wanted the commitment in the first place...I was just doing it to make them happy, but I totally wasn't.

    People connect all of these things to love that I honestly do not, so it makes it difficult. And then they get angry with me when I won't "show" them I love them by committing, and commitment does not equal love/caring to me. I'm at a lost for what to do...my only options seem to be to live a celibate lifestyle or act like I don't give a shit about people, which isn't true. There's always a possibility of change but I've always thought and felt this way, so I doubt it. It's really annoying when people tell me I'll change my mind, like being obsessed with commitment is normal versus being apathetic to it. Anyways...

    the older i get the more i find myself realizing that i feel this way also...4,5,6 years ago i craved a serious relationship...and now that im 25 im learning that ive been happier, more free and creative feeling, and more comfortable being single than ever...

    i agree that you can care for a person without being in a committed relationship, no matter what the level of care or interest is...from like to lust to love...and it can be very emotionally taxing when you are made to feel guilty EVEN after you have been completely honest and even explained your feelings and preferences...

    for soooo long i felt like i was 'wrong' or 'weird' for liking, disliking, or feeling what was considered against the norm, instead of feeling good about knowing myself and my own personal limits and boundaries...people will make it out like you are 'cold', 'apethetic', or 'emotionless'...people have used the fact that my parents divorced when i was a baby and the fact that i have never met my father as the 'cause'...('she obviously did'nt have a good family model'...omfg really...REALLY?!?!?!)...

    hmmm, what to do?...i ask myself that often...but i know this-just because others are scared or unwilling to look at things from a different perspective doesnt mean we are bad people or (gasp) deviants...it doesnt mean that they are wrong for liking what they like...it just is what it is...althought it can be tough...

    i totally relate to 99% of everything you said and im glad i found this thread...

    let's get in where we fit in...maybe we'll enlighted a few, if not...oh well..
    would be nice though to find more people with this p.ov.

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