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Thread: Need relationship advice PLEASE! (long)

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    Senior Member Postmodern Cinderella's Avatar
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    Question Need relationship advice PLEASE! (long)

    this is long, but I need to vent really bad. Thanks ahead of time for reading.

    I met my boyfriend almost two years ago. I saw him dancing by himself at an eighties bar and I thought he was hot and bold. One of the first things I said to him was "I'm a stripper, I just want to be upfront about that"

    He was so cool about my dancing and he always has been. He is the quietest nicest kindest person I've ever met. He recycles literally everything he touches and helps strangers all the time. He was raised as a Jehovahs witness, though no longer practices.

    Our relationship started great, of course. I never thought it would last though. He was just so quiet and introverted. Tendencies towards depression and dark moods. He has long hair and likes the rock, goth scene.

    Ok, ... well... heres where it gets f'd.

    I am his second girlfriend. He was 30 when we met. His first girlfriend was a stripper that he met at the club. She was goth, and a cutter. He tried really hard to help her and get her out of dancing. She broke his heart and basically dumped him for not accepting her.they dated about 3 months over a one year period. He went into therapy for a year to get over her. this is why he's so cool with me dancing. He has really worked on his "issues" with it.

    Anyhow, We date for about a year and I move in with him. Literally the week I move in, he is diagnosed with testicular cancer. He always had a very low sex drive, which always bothered me. He goes through surgery and cancer treatment. I am upset (understandably) and I fall apart at times worried about him. This makes him withdraw from me.

    he tells me that he can't stand me depending on him and needing him because it makes him feel overwhelmed and guilty. If he died, I would be so sad,,,,,

    So we stay together for a few more months but things aren't right. We get along extremely well, and from the outside we look like the perfect couple. But we aren't really having sex. I'm tall, blond, big boobs playboy looking. He likes the whole dark look. I'm obsessed with this issue, but not to the point of changing my look.

    Moving on.


    One day, about two months ago, he says, "I can't live with you anymore" "I love you like I love my parents" "I need space"

    I'm angry, but ok..... I'll move out.

    so I move in with my parents. We continue dating. Things are going ok.

    Ok... but not great. he keeps pulling away. He says he loves me. He treats me wonderful. I drive his car still. He brings me care packages. He listens to all my problems without judging me. He has never said a mean thing to me or called me any insulting name ever. He tells me he loves me all the time. He is so extremely sweet to me. The other day he wrote me a list of all the reasons he loves me and is afraid of losing me.

    But when I asked him last night if he wants to be in this relationship, he says "sometimes"

    I can't help but think he is still hung up on his ex. He Its so stupid because I go to work and all these men are vying for my attention but I can't seem to get it (sexually) from my boyfriend.

    He tells me he loves me and in the same breath he needs space and time apart. He also told me he understands if I want to date other people

    I'm 29. I want babies!!!!! not right now, but I do want a family in a few years. I don't know if I should just move on or stay and work on it.

    When I re read what I wrote, it makes him sound flaky. He is not flaky,, and he is actually a really deep metaphysical old soul. he is very serious about not wanting to hurt me. He's just been alone most of his life and I am by far his longest most serious relationship.

    If anyone has any opinion or advice, I would LOVE to hear it. anything. Especially from a guy.

    Thank you for listening

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    Default Re: Need relationship advice PLEASE! (long)

    ^^^

    Sounds like he's always been after you more as a friend than a sexual partner.

    Re-read your comments in that light and see if it fits.

    Phil.
    Last edited by Phil-W; 12-30-2008 at 02:50 PM. Reason: Syntax

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    Default Re: Need relationship advice PLEASE! (long)

    First off, don't worry about the 'look' thing. That sort of thing doesn't matter past the age of 21. Besides, just because you have that playboy look doesn't mean you can't dress up every now with some tight black sexy pv, rubber etc and rock it out a bit. Although i am dark i play about with my look all the time and go from rock chick to playboy honey one day to the next.

    Next, the sex thing - some people simply have low sex drives. Possibly his cancer affected his sex drive before and after treatment. This can only be a topi for open discussion when the both of you sort out the emotional stuff that seems to be affecting your relationship though.

    It sounds as though your man is super sensitive and more than a little insecure. He fears being a burden on you and feels a sense of duty to you in the same way he might his parents. This is not a good thing. Being in an adult relationship means allowing yourself to be vulnerable to people and allowing them to support you and reciprocating this for your partner. For some reason he is not behaving in this manner with you and maybe, as Phil says, it's because at heart he sees you as a friend more than a partner.

    I understand your feelings about wanting a serious committed relationship at this time in your life and perhaps his telling you to 'go date other people' as though you were some 20 year old shows that he doesn't understand where you are in terms of wanting an adult committed relationship.

    Obviously, you know the detail better than anyone on this board but the advice i would give to you is this: Don't cling on to this in the hope that he will change - at the age of 30 he should be a lot more grown up than he is it seems. You deserve a loving open, honest adult relationship but i don't think this is the man to have that with.

    Hugs
    Spar x

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    Default Re: Need relationship advice PLEASE! (long)

    He sounds like a bit of a whiner (not including the cancer thing .... any man would struggle with that).

    What does he want? Is he happy with how his life is ? What is working towards? Can he get what he wants out of life with you ?

    ^ I think I may have answered that last question. He doesn't seem very drawn to you ( wanting to be intimate .... you can be intimate without sex .... but I don't think relationships can last without affection unless both parties want that ).

    It's so hard to give solid advice just reading a recap of a relationship. Only you know if things feel like they are working.

    Relationships ( and the possibility of them ending ) are so hard. I've been back and forth over the last month about wondering if I should get out of long term one and it's really difficult. It's one of those things that you simply have to make your best guess on and I hate that ! It's not black and white ! Yours sounds like mine ( heavy on the friendship side, physical needs for both parties not being met very well ) .

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    Default Re: Need relationship advice PLEASE! (long)

    The guy may have a hormonal imbalance from all the stuff that he's been through. Also, he has both the knowledge of his history with the prior relationship (which will cloud/color his decisionmaking) and the knowledge that he may develop that cancer again (or another) and lose his self-image over the way the cancer and the treatments make him feel weak.

    It may not actually change anything, but it sounds like it might help if he made a conscious efffort to articulate the reasons for what he's saying and doing.
    ED E’ SUBITO SERA

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    ed è subito sera

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    Default Re: Need relationship advice PLEASE! (long)

    Thanks everyone for your advice.

    More than likely, I've decided that this relationship is over and I'm just going to end it. I'm sure we'll still be friends, but now I'm starting to see signs that he is not even remotely ready to commit and more importantly I am just not happy living my life like that.

    This is the first relationship I've ever ended where my partner and I got along really well and weren't fighting. I think because of that I've been in denial

    I would like to add that I really think this website is a great resource. I almost didn't share this story because I don't want to come across as whiney, but just being able to write it all down and re read it, and get advice from people who don't know either of us has been a tremendous help. Again, thank you all for your words of wisdom

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