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Thread: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

  1. #1
    God/dess Elvia's Avatar
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    Default So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Oh god. I'm so embarrassed by this. I feel terrible. I just discovered that someone I slept with was married at the time. Yes, it was someone I met in the club (and no, I don't make a habit of this. This is extremely rare for me and someone I had gotten to know over a couple of years, both in and out of the club). At first he told me he was single. Then he later "confessed" after we slept together that he "had an on and off again thing with a girlfriend."

    I have recently found out that he was, and is, married.

    Should I email him and call him out on it? I feel terrible. I would never have wanted to do something like this and I'm angry that he used me to cheat on his wife.

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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Don't blame yourself this isn't your fault at all! You should definately confront him and see what he has to say about the situation.

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    Senior Member inThePine's Avatar
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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Exactly. I would definitely call him out, but remember that you are not the one who's done any wrong here, so if he tries to pull some guilt trip business about how you seduced him or something, pay it no mind. Guilt is a huuuge tactic guys try to use because it plays upon your emotions and feelings that you're responsible for everything, which I think women are much more in tune with. Gosh I would just hope never to meet the wife, I'd probably break down because I feel so empathetic towards people and I know how it feels to be lied to.
    Stupid dudes!! Sorry you have to deal with that. And if all else fails, if he's still a regular continue to take his money while you bide your time! =P

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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Quote Originally Posted by Elvia View Post
    Oh god. I'm so embarrassed by this. I feel terrible. I just discovered that someone I slept with was married at the time. Yes, it was someone I met in the club (and no, I don't make a habit of this. This is extremely rare for me and someone I had gotten to know over a couple of years, both in and out of the club). At first he told me he was single. Then he later "confessed" after we slept together that he "had an on and off again thing with a girlfriend."

    I have recently found out that he was, and is, married.

    Should I email him and call him out on it? I feel terrible. I would never have wanted to do something like this and I'm angry that he used me to cheat on his wife.
    You were conned by a dishonest person. There is no shame in that. It can happen to any of us. It's sad that at the same time, you've lost one of the people you were currently closest to as well. It's like adding insult to injury. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself a little time before you act. It's best not to act out of anger, but rather, out of reason and necessity.

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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    You should let the wife know. She's the one with legal attatchments to a dirtball. You are the lucky one.
    I speak from experience on this .... I had NO idea he was married. They were separated , but he told me was divorced for over a year ( my first real bf when I was 21 ).

    Do you want to continue seeing him or do you want to be done with him?

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    God/dess Elvia's Avatar
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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Oh, definitely won't be seeing him again. We parted amicably over a month ago.

    I'm not sure about telling the wife. The thought has occurred, but I don't want to destroy a marriage.

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    Veteran Member angelicat's Avatar
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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Call him out on it, then don't give him another second of your time or energy.

    Don't tell his wife- I don't think it is your place. I think everything happens for a reason, and if she is meant to find out, she will. But thats just my .02.

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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    You wouldn't be destroying it...he did by cheating.

    And what's there to destroy? A marriage where the husband is lying and cheating isn't much of a marriage at all.

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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    I agree that you should def call him out but imo it isn't your place to tell his wife or judge the kind of marriage they have. This is something that is between the 2 of you. You have no idea what kind of reaction you might get from his wife and sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. This might really hurt her, or she might decide it's your fault and you don't need that. It is his responsibility to his wife, not yours. He's really the only person that's answerable to you here.

  10. #10
    goldengrl69
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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    you probably were not the first and def. wont be the last.

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    God/dess Kylea2's Avatar
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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    You should let the wife know. She's the one with legal attatchments to a dirtball. You are the lucky one.
    I'm with Carmen, the wife needs to know. He could be out screwing multiple women, picking up diseases and giving them to her. Literally he could be putting her life at risk. Marriage is based off of love and trust. Obviously he has issues of both of those things with her.

    She doesn't need to know anything about you. You could just send a letter without a return address. Or you could hire a private investigator to let her know the news. She deserves the right to know that he is scum. If she forgives him and takes him back, that is her business. If you choose to tell her though, you need to make it clear that he told you he was single, and that you didn't know he was married or you wouldn't have gotten involved.

    If she chooses to divorce him, some states consider the grounds for divorce when deciding who gets what and spousal support. If they are going to get divorced anyhow, you may as well let her know and hope that she can get more out of the divorce since he basically "stole" from the marriage.

    Just watch out for your own safety. Make sure he won't/can't harm you if you do intend to inform her.

    Also, hindsight 20/20... but I've said this before


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    Featured Member kandie_kitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    ^Amen, that's what I was thinking. God knows what he could be taking home and spreading to her.

    If my husband was cheating, I would really want to know.

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    Member JRA33606's Avatar
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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Keep; your mouth shut.

    No good deed goes unpunished!

  14. #14
    goldengrl69
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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Depending on how long they have been together, she, wifey probably already knows.

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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    I'd call him out and tell his wife.

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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Quote Originally Posted by Elvia View Post
    I'm not sure about telling the wife. The thought has occurred, but I don't want to destroy a marriage.
    It wouldnt be about you destroying a marriage to say, rather giving his wife an opportunity to know the truth. What happens if she is faithful and this could happen to her again?




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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Obviously you'll have to follow your own heart and conscience here when it comes to telling the wife.

    IMO, if I were the victim, I'd want to know, so I would respond in-kind and inform someone else who I knew was being cheated on.

    In situations like these, I feel that silence only enables the wrong doer, and ecourages them further.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Quote Originally Posted by Elvia View Post
    Oh, definitely won't be seeing him again.
    Good for you. Why keep someone in your life longer then necessary.

    Quote Originally Posted by Elvia View Post
    I'm not sure about telling the wife. The thought has occurred,
    I wouldn't, most people want to 'shoot the messenger'. Just be done with it.
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    But then I suppose the sort of people who write this kind of crap generally don't allow their opinions to be tainted by things like "facts" and "reality".
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    The note that began all can also destroy

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    Veteran Member Nina77's Avatar
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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    You can find a way to tell her anonymously... I know people feel its not their place to tell, but honestly- if someone had sex with my husband- I would REALLY want to know- I wouldn't be mad at her, unless of course she intentionally went after him. But yeah, I would definitely want to know. I would feel that the "mistress" is hurting me more not telling me, than just telling me. The idea of someone knowing something going on in my marriage that I'm unaware of- its not her place to know that information and withhold it from me.

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    Featured Member Brooke's Avatar
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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Oh sweetheart... cut your losses now. Don't confront him. Don't tell his wife. You were deceived by this man for years. Make your life better by removing him from it now.

    You have NOTHING to gain by making him admit to what he has done. You have NOTHING to gain by telling his wife. All you do insert yourself in their marriage drama, and you have already unknowingly done that, so do everyone a favor and leave it alone now.

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    God/dess Kylea2's Avatar
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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Quote Originally Posted by Brooke View Post
    You have NOTHING to gain by making him admit to what he has done. You have NOTHING to gain by telling his wife. All you do insert yourself in their marriage drama, and you have already unknowingly done that, so do everyone a favor and leave it alone now.
    She can gain some self respect by knowing that she did something that she might want someone to do for her. It's that whole "do onto others as you would have them do unto you."

    To the OP, the question you really need to ask yourself is:

    If it were my marriage, would I want to know?
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    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Blackmail him and get some money out of him, then tell his wife anyways. Oops, those were evil inside words.

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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Hahaha

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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    i don't think u should call him out on it, brush him and it off and move on with your life. his wife is his business and maybe if his wife founds out he slept with u, u will end up in the firing line and being labelled a "stripper" won't make things any better. u don't know what will become of it or how his wife will react. they are basically not worth your time anymore.

    you're just an innocent person in all this, a good person who i wouldn't want to see mixed up in anything worse..

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    Default Re: So turns out he was married. Should I call him out?

    Quote Originally Posted by ViolaStrings View Post
    Blackmail him and get some money out of him, then tell his wife anyways. Oops, those were evil inside words.
    Hahahaha.... Viola, they may be evil inside words, but I think that's the strategy I'd take.

    Call me childish but that dude's a bastard.

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