So Monday night I did something I have never done once since I started dancing - walked out on a shift. I blame the full moon.
Basically it was fucked from the beginning.
10 below zero and bunch of snow on the road, so no customers except for a couple regulars (not mine), a couple stage-tippers, a few gawkers and some douchebag car salesman who tried to tip us with sticks of trident gum and empty gum packages. I repeatedly kicked gum off the stage/tip rail, started cussing ("Are you fucking KIDDING me?" to no-one in particular) and spit two pieces of gum on this guy's chest.
Story about this guy: During my entire stage, he wandered around looking at all the Olivia paintings in our club like he was in a museum, pointedly ignoring me. Then he went to the bar and talked shit about me to his friends. Then he came and sat down at the stage and tried to tip me one dollar and a stick of Trident gum. I told him I already had gum, thanks, and kicked it off the tip rail. When he put it back up, I repeated that I had gum thanks (while the DJ is saying on the mic "We tip dollars here...the girls can buy their own gum or whatever, dude"). After he tried to put it back on the rail, I spit my gum that I had in my mouth when I got onstage. He was so stupid he didn't even notice (how do you not notice that?). He put the gum BACK onstage, told me I needed it, and so when I got done with a pole trick I sat in front of him, took the gum and smiled like I appreciated it, chewed it dramatically until it was mushed to my satisfaction, and spit it on his chest.
Then I crumpled up his dollar, threw it in his face, and then took the empty gum pack his friend tried giving me and threw it in HIS face. Then I told them if they came back to me, I would fart on them, and after I got off I informed them that they needed to go to the special retarded people place at the local hospital.
These are things I have NEVER EVER EVER done on stage (I am a grin-and-bear-it hustler and RARELY reprimand customers, even guys that say rude things such as "I'd eat that bitch with a yeast infection!") and never dreamed that I would....
One of the other dancers asked me if I spit gum on them, and when I said yes gave me a hi-5. My friends/coworkers (god love them) were very successful in cheering me up and we eventually talked to the guys again. A friend of the two gum-tipping douchebags whom I hadn't seen yet at all (and who was apparently telling them to knock it off the whole time) tipped me 5 bucks. My friend who has been dancing a lot longer than me was making fun of them so hard, every chance she got, and after a while everyone was like haha, that shit is funny. Yeah...it actually was pretty funny. Right? I can suck it up and work past a false start like that.... right?
No.
Only lapdance I got for the next several hours was part of a triple-dance, wherein the lapdancee requested that we not dance, but get topless and beat the everloving shit out of him.
Slapping, punching, kicking (legs, nuts, everything), stomping, biting, removing belt and whalloping, choking, etc. One of the girls (a big Amazonian blonde) did most of the inflicting, while me and the other girl pretty much laughed our asses off while trying to stay out of her way. I didn't do much aside from slap him a bunch, stomp on his foot, and choke him with my thighs and knee him in the face...which I sometimes do (GENTLY though) to customers as part of my normal "dance." But it was still totally weird and kooky, and he stuck around getting dances from girls and being a total nut. (Asking girls to pee on him, etc)
The only other customers aside from several oldschool regulars tipping every girl generously on stage were some thuggy Dominicans trying to find a sugar mama who enjoys having her time wasted, so I bailed.
Out in the parking lot I discovered the lock on my car door was broken (from someone trying to break in????), so I had to get in on the passenger side. Then on the way home I almost got backed into by a massive snowplow.
I half-expected a black cat to run across the road in front of me, and frogs to start falling out of the sky.
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