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Thread: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

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    God/dess Elvia's Avatar
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    Default So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    **PLEASE DON'T QUOTE BIG CHUNKS OF THIS- I may have to delete it later. ***


    This is part 2 of this saga

    http://forum.stripperweb.com/showthread.php?t=130382

    I did write him an email confronting him and letting him know I had found out he was married and was pretty angry. He wrote me back, and didn't try to deny it. He said he was very sorry, that he had recommitted himself to his marriage, and stopped drinking because it "led to bad decisions" and that he had never expected what happened between us,that nothing like that had happened before or since, blah blah blah.

    Anyway, I had originally decided not to tell the wife. Me reasoning was that I didn't really know if this was something he did habitually or if it really was a one time mistake.

    Well...now I'm wondering. I talked to a friend at work who I knew had known him awhile back from a different bar. She was really surprised to find out he was married when I talked to her. She said that one night when he was drunk they had made plans to go out, and he gave her a number to call him at. She did- and a woman answered. She didn't know what to think so she just hung up. She didn't see him again until years later and never brought it up.

    Plus...I mean, the guys been coming into my club for a couple years and I've never seen a ring. and the other girl has confirmed that she's seen him out at various clubs around town very frequently and never saw a ring either. That really doesn't sound like he's not looking for action. But I don't know how much to judge someone by that when they're in a strip club. Is it just part of the fantasy environment, like how I lie about my relationship status, and my "real" name?

    So...now I'm kind of considering telling her. But I really don't know. Here's some additional factors.

    1) I got super curious and looked her photo up online. I swear I KNOW THIS GIRL. I totally recongnize her, but I can't put my finger on it. I know I've seen her more than once, and I can almost remember a voice I associate with her face. I don't know if she's a friend of a friend I met somewhere, or if she works someplace I frequent or what, but I'm pretty sure I know her somehow. Which makes it both scarier to say something, and also harder to just quietly look the other way.

    2) I don't know how I'd get ahold of her anyway. She had a facebook account, but strangely, it appears to have just recently been deleted. All I have is a name.

    3) She's now pregnant.

    4) I'm kind of worried what might happen if I do this. If I do tell her "anonymously", well, he'll probably suspect anyway. And if I show her the email exchange, he'll probably end up knowing for sure it was me. He doesn't seem the time to be vindictive or angry...but hey, I thought I knew him before, right?

    So...In light of this new info...do you guys think I should tell the wife? And if so, how?

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    Featured Member short skirts's Avatar
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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    If you have this many questions about telling her then I think you should have the answer.
    Leave it alone and move on.
    Forget about it.
    Let him live his life of lies.
    Now there's not only a wife but a child involved...what question is there???
    Let it be.
    It will all come out in the wash, she may or may not figure out what kind of jerk he is someday, maybe she won't. Maybe the situation works for the both of them, so let it be.
    Stop worrying your pretty head about some jerk that used you.
    use that energy to find somebody worthy of you and the care that you can give.

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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    elvia, you have to do what feels right to you. but, if you DO tell the wife, be fully prepared to be pulled head first into domestic drama. don't think for a second that you'll be able to do a quick "hit and run", and slip away quietly into the night. domestic disputes can get ugly, and who knows what type of repercussions can result. if you were my pal, i'd tell you to extract yourself from this situation completely. as crappy as it may sound, in an unpredictable situation like this, you have to think about yourself first and foremost.

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    God/dess JayATee's Avatar
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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    I'm going to reitterate my statement from your last post in which I said I really thought it best for you to not have anything to do with her. It sounds to me like you're already very conflicted about whether or not to tell her so I really think (especially when you're this unsure) that you should leave it alone. If you don't know what to do, do nothing. I don't think any good is going to come out of you telling his wife annonymously or otherwise (since you think he'd know it was you even if it was annonymous). Especially since you know many of the details of the relationship (like the fact that she's pregnant). If you tell her you're potentially putting yourself in the middle of a very messy situation and it doesn't matter that it was unintentional on your end. You're likely to be blamed anyway - think about it, her husband had an affair with a stripper. In most peoples minds you're already an evil temptress. Chalk it up to some life experience and move on. He's a douche. But I'll bet given the chance, he'll blame the whole thing on you and it doesn't sound to me like you need or want that in your life.

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    God/dess Elvia's Avatar
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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    Ok, I think I've finally settled the matter. I'm going to leave it alone. Man, it feels good to even think about really washing my hands of this.

    I've got a lot of work to do on my own life. I don't think I can afford any more drama.

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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    Quote Originally Posted by Elvia View Post
    **PLEASE DON'T QUOTE BIG CHUNKS OF THIS- I may have to delete it later. ***
    I think this situation parallels to that of an innocent bystander who happens to witness a crime - say a person being beat up but refuses to give the cops any information. The criminal may continue to commit crimes because he knows he can get away with it.

    The fact is he hurt 2 people in this process - you and more importantly... his wife. Why let him off the hook? you just need to come up with a good technique which leaves you in the safe zone. His wife has a right to know because he could be catching STDS and then transmitting them to her. This is very illegal here in Australia and criminals get prosecuted harshly for it.

    There are 3 ways you can go about this..

    1) You could forward his email response (proof of his affair) directly to her email if you can get it.

    2) You could write an anonymous letter to her but the wife might not believe it.. especially if he is a skilled con man which it sounds like he is.

    3) This is more deceptive but more cunning and a safer technique to use. If he continues to attempt to score with other women.. you can set him up either with a PI... or if you want to save money you can make an anonymous call to her phone so she can randomly show up at the location to bust the husband in the act. This maybe time consuming and inconvenient on your behalf but well worth the effort I guess.


    When a husband has an affair during a marriage it is very rare this will remain a secret forever. The most common symptom of a man having an affair is a change of behavior.. usually he will be more affectionate towards his wife or he will take up a new hobby to rid his guilty conscience. If his wife is smart and perceptive she will pick up on these clues and naturally will suspect something.

    If I were in your situation I would call him out preferably using technique #3 if possible. If it seems impossible because he did mention he has recommitted himself to the marriage then I would go with technique #1 which will do him justice too.. especially if he wants to be a true loyal husband in the future. Perhaps you might want to inform the cops too to protect yourself incase he decides to seek revenge on you.

    I just hope it wasn't you who made all the moves on him... but I am perplexed on why married husbands go to strip clubs anyway. You know I get married women coming into my work too.. and I've been kissed quite a few times from them (without me initiating it!) and I do think some of them forget they have husbands while they are there.. I sort of get an ego boost when a committed off limits married woman shows some desire towards me

    haha this situation works both ways ladies!!!
    women cheat on their husbands too..

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    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    I'm very conflicted to write this, as I'm sure it will not be a popular point of view.

    After I read your update, my opinion is that you're allowing him to continue to manipulate you.

    I'm sorry. Please understand I don't say this with any malice towards you in any way, and I can empathise with your desire to avoid additional drama and conflict. It's not the choice I would make, but I can respect your decision.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    Quote Originally Posted by verfolgung View Post
    I'm very conflicted to write this, as I'm sure it will not be a popular point of view.

    After I read your update, my opinion is that you're allowing him to continue to manipulate you.

    I'm sorry. Please understand I don't say this with any malice towards you in any way, and I can empathise with your desire to avoid additional drama and conflict. It's not the choice I would make, but I can respect your decision.
    good point
    she got herself in this situation... takes 2 to tango... I suspect my last paragraph in my last message won't exactly make me a pinup boy here
    but it had to be said. There is good and bad on both genders.

    Peace..

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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    Why even contact him this time? The more you do, the more you start justifying and rationalizing what are otherwise poor decisions. Do not contact him anymore. Just walk away.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Snark View Post
    But then I suppose the sort of people who write this kind of crap generally don't allow their opinions to be tainted by things like "facts" and "reality".
    Distortion becomes somehow pure in its wildness
    The note that began all can also destroy

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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    If you tell her you should wait until after she has the baby. Its had to tell how she would handle that stress while being pregnant. Just a thought.




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    Veteran Member justifymylove's Avatar
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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    I would drop it if I were in your situation. If he is blatant about it, she will probably find out eventually anyway- and there is a strong possibility she already knows. If she doesn't though, imagine how doubly awful it will be for her not only to find out her husband is cheating, but to be humiliated by hearing it right from you. As JayATee said, she may just blame you. (As an aside, if there were some way for you to set her up to find out about his cheating herself, I might find that idea intriguing....)

    Quote Originally Posted by Lucifer911
    "but I am perplexed on why married husbands go to strip clubs anyway. "
    ...really?

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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    Quote Originally Posted by justifymylove View Post
    I would drop it if I were in your situation. If he is blatant about it, she will probably find out eventually anyway- and there is a strong possibility she already knows. If she doesn't though, imagine how doubly awful it will be for her not only to find out her husband is cheating, but to be humiliated by hearing it right from you. As JayATee said, she may just blame you. (As an aside, if there were some way for you to set her up to find out about his cheating herself, I might find that idea intriguing....)



    ...really?
    yes really
    lol

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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    I would tell her. She deserves to know. I know that even if I were pregnant and my husband did that I would still want to know. It is her right as his wife to know what he has been up to and that is up to was him being unfaithful. How you go about it is up to you. But use a different email if you email and I would suggest changing your phone number. You don't want him to contact you anymore in anyway after this. Stay strong. You will be fine.





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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lucifer911 View Post
    yes really
    lol

    That would be bc you're not married.

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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    ... I would tell her.

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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    ^^^ I can certainly see that side. Well, I certainly have no talent for certainty.

    At first when I asked myself if I would want to know if I was in her shoes- the answer was no, not if it was just a one time mistake. But now that I think about his pattern of behavior- I would really want to know. Forgiving your partner an unexpected, one time lapse is one thing. But to find out he had been spending massive amounts of time in bars, without his ring, flirting and letting people think he was single before this even happened...well, that seems like a horse of a different color. I know if I found out, say, 10 years down the line that my husband had been fooling around me the whole time, I'd really be wishing someone had said something to me a helluva lot sooner.

    I mean, if she does decide to forgive him, at least she could keep her eye out for suspicious behavior, and he might really learn his lesson and get on the straight and narrow, now that he knows she's not oblivious.

    but I'm really thinking about myself now. I have some major decisions and major changes to make in my life, and I can't afford to be held back any longer. I'm not in a position to leave town and I don't want some crazy fuck coming after me if he really freaks out. if I'm going to be who I want to be by the time I'm 30, I have to work hard, focus, and deal with my mental emotional health issues. And I'm scarred of what this situation could do to those plans.
    Last edited by Elvia; 02-15-2009 at 04:15 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Vamp View Post
    As Katherine Hepburn put it so eloquently " Nature is what we were put here to rise above"

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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    ^ I'm sure if it's habitual she'll find out eventually. Not even James Bond could get away with cheating. Seriously.

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    Default Re: So he was married part 2- telling the wife.

    Quote Originally Posted by Elvia View Post
    I'm really thinking about myself now. I have some major decisions and major changes to make in my life, and I can't afford to be held back any longer. I'm not in a position to leave town and I don't want some crazy fuck coming after me if he really freaks out. if I'm going to be who I want to be by the time I'm 30, I have to work hard, focus, and deal with my mental emotional health issues. And I'm scarred of what this situation could do to those plans.

    It sounds to me like you already know what you should do hon. I don't think it involves being pulled into someone else's drama (which is what will happen and it sounds like you know that too).

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