Bondage

[firemaiden04]

So here's the deal. I'm 22, have had a pretty unstable relationship history. The first major long-term relationship I had was with a 26-year-old when I was 17, and that lasted for a year. He was very emotionally abusive, and he did it in an intentional cold, calculating sort of way. Towards the end I found books on brainwashing in his room when I was helping him move. He'd messed with my head very badly and changed a lot of the ways I perceived certain things.

The next major relationship was with a guy a month older than me named Kyle, and it lasted for about 2 1/2 years. It started off rocky, and we moved in together after about 6 months, give or take. And he became emotionally abusive as well, though not in the cold and calculating sort of way--more just losing his temper and screaming and shit. Then he became physically abusive. He didn't hit much, but he liked to choke me till I passed out, and throw me into shit a lot. He eventually raped me, and attempted to do it several more times. Got away from him when I was 20, and obviously was very fucked up about relationships in general. I was paranoid, overly sensitive, very suspicious, and extremely depressed. I didn't have much of an issue with sex, but certain things about sex did cause an issue. For example, and this is the main thing: I have always wanted to try out BDSM, specifically bondage, though I imagine I would like to try out the other parts eventually. And in EVERY relationship I've ever had, the guys have absolutely refused to try that out--or, in the case of Kyle, he claimed to be a submissive (which I know I am), and refused to try bondage cause he said I "wouldn't do it right." That became a bit of a big deal to me, and I really, really wanted to try it, but was afraid of it for a lot of different reasons.

Now the guy I'm with now is fantastic, and he used to be into BDSM a lot when he was a little younger, and kind of retired it. When we first got together and I found out that he'd been into it, I got kind of pushy about trying it, even though he said he wasn't really into it anymore. But we tried it a few times, and he went into it with a kind of bad attitude cause he felt pressured, and he behaved a little badly, and due to various miscommunications it became a really touchy issue and we just stopped talking about it. Now we've been talking about other things and that whole topic came up, and we both realized we'd had very wrong impressions about the other person. He's totally up for trying it again.

But I'm really concerned, because with my whole past issues, plus how badly it went the first few times we tried it, I don't know if I'm going to be able to go into it without being really, really nervous and awkward and a little scared. I have no experience with it at all. He says that he's usually very generous and nurturing and loving in the role of a dominant, but that wasn't at all how he'd acted those first few times. It's not that I don't believe him, cause he admitted he went into it with a negative attitude. I just don't know how I can dismiss that past experience and be totally at ease, and not be nervous. I still really, really want to try it...but I'm worried about how it might go. I imagined there's got to be someone on here who either has some experience in this area, or can give some good advice

Any ideas?

[AngelWithHorns]

I just don't know how I can dismiss that past experience and be totally at ease, and not be nervous.

My personal advice is *not* to dismiss that past experience. If you're nervous for any reason related to sex or kink, you should respect that and pay attention to it. Lay off the bdsm and just enjoy your relationship with this guy. If there are any other warning signs or things that make you nervous, pay attention to those feelings too, okay? Please stay safe.

[bella_4x4]

^^^ i agree with this, great advice. but if you are dead set on trying it again. i can only say that you really need to communicate about it. have a really long talk about what will make you both comfortable, and if it cant mesh, you need to come to terms with that in whatever way. but if you can cmmunicate well, then it should go more smoothly this time. i mean first time sex is usually a little awkward, and it takes a while to get into the groove of what you and your partner really like. but please stay safe. with your past experience i could imagine it would be easy to be caught in a sexual situation where its fun, but then shifts to really uncomfortable or really traumatic. i dont have a ton of experence with bondage, but i do have some. so ill share it, ive been in quie a few abusive (all sorts) myself. when i met my now SO, he mentioned he would want to try some kind of bondage, i figured id rather be sub, but about 10 minutes into it, i just freaked. he said something to me that an ex had(bad experience, wont get into it) and i just couldnt handle the situation. i dint speak to him for a week. i was in shock a lot about the whole thing and really couldnt even think clearly. about a year later we discussed it again and kind of did a practice run at the whole thing. now we know i could take the sub role, as long as i had one hand totally free, and had safe words etc. then after a few times we decided to switch it up. i realized that because of my past abusive experiences, i feel a lot more comfortable taking the dominant role, that way im in control and cant get stuck in an unsafe or uncomfrotable situation.he likes it better this way too. without the pressure on him, we can both just relax, and its all good. but i really have to stress again, without really great communication and trust, i wouldnt venture any further.

[Meleania]

if you do decide to try it, make sure you have a safe word, something other than 'stop' or 'no', something youd NEVER say in that kinda situation, like, ...um... walrus?

[missmays1983]

My personal advice is *not* to dismiss that past experience. If you're nervous for any reason related to sex or kink, you should respect that and pay attention to it. Lay off the bdsm and just enjoy your relationship with this guy. If there are any other warning signs or things that make you nervous, pay attention to those feelings too, okay? Please stay safe.

i second this advice in the quote above.

some other thoughts and suggestions...

it is apparent that you have put a quite some thought into this, and that is key. you can never know yourself too well. taking time to understand how certain things and situations affect you helps you figure yourself out and define your wants, needs, and comfort levels. doing this can also allow one to try things again that may not have went as well or as desired the first time around and also give or improve the sense of control in a situation such as yours...

i have found that it is just as important when in a relationship (however serious or casual) to also know what your partner is capable of...by this i mean knowing how both of you feel about a particular issue, knowing the others limits, boundaries, wants, and needs...certain issues require both people being on the same page, where as others situations may allow for greater difference in oppinion...communication will always be paramount.

i would suggest continuing to 'metally explore' the subject and increasing the communication between you and your partner on this subject. then maybe ease into the BDSM slowly...start off a little 'tamer' then increase as desired...

and in my honest oppinion...compatability comes in all different forms...there have been things i was comfortable doing with some boyfriends or partners that i would not have been comfortable doing so with others...doesnt mean that we were not a good match or the relationship was doomed, but it is important to remember that odds are you aren't going to be able to find every single one of your desired qualities all in one person, but if they or the relationship is lacking a specific quality, need, or desire that you absolutely can not do without, then it's time to reconsider where things are going. you may have to decide what is more important...fulfilling this desire or being able to put if off longer or not being able to do it at all if both of you can not reach a common ground and sufficent comfort regarding BDSM, and instead just enjoying the great relationship that you currently have...

just some food for thought and a different perspective...

best of luck

[pixierocksonthepole]

I am into BDSM. And I suggest that you just play carefully. Start small. Work your way up. It is trust. All trust. Now you being nervous is completely understandable and normal. Don't dismiss your past experiences you want to keep them in mind. Remember your situations so you can arm yourself better if they arise again. Hopefully they do not. Now the nervousness may turn into excitement eventually. Take your time, because that is half of the fun. If you need some real insight on it send me a PM and I will answer all your questions. This is something I am very into so hopefully I can help you.

[Pretty_Penny]

just to clarify....

are you saying (about the past experiences) that he went into it angry and basically used it as an excuse to get violent with you?

i'm not saying that's entirely what you said. i just want to make sure, because my advice would vary greatly depending on your answer.

negative emotion has no place in BDSM. as soon as it enters the room you are headed down a potentially dangerous path. i was a part of "the scene" for quite some time, and while most people i ran into were in very healthy relationships, there were a few using "BDSM" as an excuse to mask what was actually abuse. again, im not pretending to know that's what is going on (or will go on) between you and your partner, but it's something you should be mindful of.

[firemaiden04]

just to clarify....

are you saying (about the past experiences) that he went into it angry and basically used it as an excuse to get violent with you?

Well, he wasn't really angry, just annoyed because he felt pressured and pushed into the situation. And he didn't get violent at all.

What happened (as best I can describe) is that he broke out the restraints--kind of all out, full-body binding stuff--and started strapping me in. I am very sensitive to other people's moods and emotions, and they get almost amplified. I picked up on his annoyance, and it made my initial nervousness worse. And sometimes when I get nervous, I get talkative and fidgety, and I started doing that. He didn't pick up on my nervousness at all, and read that behavior as me trying to boss him around (one of the wrist cuffs was being a little weird and wasn't fitting right, and he felt like I was ordering him around on how to fix it). He has this weird thing where he tends to take actions at face value, and doesn't bother trying to read intentionality. So he just perceived that I was being uncooperative and competing with him for control, and snapped at me, unhooked the shit and basically told me he was done with the session, I wasn't doing it right, and then did that fucked-up guy thing where they go to bed angry and refuse to talk about it, and going to sleep (or pretending to) while you're sitting there crying.

And, as the whole "you're not doing [sex] right" thing had been thrown about by my exes, that was kind of traumatizing for me.

Since then, he's admitted that he fucked up in several ways. One being that since I had absolutely no experience with bondage, he should have started slow instead of diving headfirst into full body restraints. Second, that if he was feeling pressured or pushed, he shouldn't have started a session until he was in the mood and fully perceptive. Third, that he shouldn't have snapped at me, especially considering that I had absolutely no experience with any area of BDSM and therefore couldn't possibly know what was considered okay and what wasn't. And fourth, that he should have been willing to talk about it. He'd basically been going around for a year with the idea that I was pushy and uncooperative about BDSM, and that I wasn't at all suitable to the scene--never occurred to him that the behavior (which wasn't really very major) was caused by nervousness. And I was walking around with the idea that he had been totally aware that I was nervous, and hadn't had the patience or desire to soothe it--that he hadn't really cared about my experience, but that he just gets off on the control part of being a dom.

It's interesting that neither of us really took the time to think about how neither of our perceptions of the situation really added up, but the BDSM topic had gotten to be such a touchy one that we never really brought it up. Like I said, he wasn't really active with it anymore, and hadn't been for awhile before he met me. He was just interested in breaking it out again because I told him I was interested in exploring it. So this isn't anything he's pushing for.

It's just that I have always been curious and interested, and have a few fantasies (though I'm sure they're extremely tame compared to normal sessions by experienced subs or doms). And since we're on the same page now and are able to discuss and address the issue comfortably, I thought, why not try it again. I'm just a little concerned about possible panic attacks, uncontrollable nerves, or that weird enveloping depression thing that can happen in the middle of something.

[hockeybobby]

Here is an online resource that was helpful to me:

http://www.submissiveloving.com/online.html

I am into bdsm, and I had questions about my desires, so I went surfing around for some info. The girls have given you some great feedback...if you want a mature males point of view, please feel free to pm me.
hb

[Pretty_Penny]

adding: "screw the roses, send me the thorns" is a great book... albeit dated.

[JayATee]

To do any type of bondage at all there has to be a complete and total trust in the other person. He needs to read you, he needs to know you, your body, your movements, and what your body language and changes mean. Depending on how far you take it you are potentially putting your life in your partners hands. You both need to know what you're doing, what your limits are, and where you need your safe zones/words to be . If for any reason at all, and I really am completely serious about that, ANY reason, you feel you can not trust your partner DO NOT get involved with it. I'm not saying that you can't potentially work through it to a point where you are both comfortable, but you need to be very very very careful and you need to begin very very slowly. I can't emphasize this enough. From what you've described, there may be deeper issues you need to get through first with this guy before you start bringing bdsm into your sex life. I mean what made him get out of it in the first place? What made him so touchy about talking about it with you or trying it before the first time? I'm not trying to scare you, I just want to make sure that you play safe. It's not for everyone.

[firemaiden04]

adding: "screw the roses, send me the thorns" is a great book... albeit dated.

Lol, we actually just bought that book yesterday.

[Ruby Ruckus]

perhaps starting out with more playful, less serious bondage would be good for you. try fuzzy handcuffs and things like tickling rather than a riding crop or a paddle. work into your comfort level, and don't try anything that both of you aren't excited about. roleplay and costumes might make this a little easier.