Cheating hurts everyone...why do it?

[justtobenaked]

I found out just recently that the man that I have been with for a very long time (10+ years) has been cheating....for awhile. I caught him over at her house. I have never felt so low. My first reaction was to leave...but now I do not know what to do? Why did he not break up with me long ago?? When I asked him...he said that he did not want to hurt me...but this is much worse. I trusted him. I have given him so much space that now I feel if this can work I have to know where he is at at all times. I can't live like this...I am torn. I have never felt so low. I have not shared this with anybody because I feel like a fool. I wrote almost a year ago on this site, that i felt it was over...but I never thought that he was invovlved with someone else. How does this go away if you try to make it work? I know that no one can have answers because how I handle it is up to me...the outcome is never definite.

But I feel trapped when I have spent alot of my life with him. When I told him that I could try to work through this...he is slowly giving me details about what they did together?? He says that I did things for him she couldnt and vice versus.. And he feels that I led him to her because we fought over Lord knows what. I always say that even after leaving me to be on the road for months at a time with his friends no less....I never cheated. In retrospect...had I known when I wanted to leave..I do not know if it would have been easier. Where do I go for help? I feel alone? If I go to family they will say I told you so because they have never liked him. He feels that I need to change and keeps suggesting little things, and has promised to work on it. But how do you get betrayal out the mix?

[hockeybobby]

That's awful. I'm so sorry your world was shook up like that. I hope you feel better soon.

[alice_island]

When I told him that I could try to work through this...he is slowly giving me details about what they did together?? He says that I did things for him she couldnt and vice versus.. And he feels that I led him to her because we fought over Lord knows what.

i wouldnt try to make this work. i'm sorry but he has an attitude that you arent all he needs. he is not happy with just you. and i hope after this you arent happy with him one bit. just leave and find someone who thinks you're his sun, moon and stars. you deserve it. and if you dont find him? well, you have you, and, even though right now it's hurting, you will be much happier alone, trust me. i was.

i felt like a moron too. esp since he left me for an illiterate fat 18 yr old. well, he's stuck with her and it drives him nuts and apparently he wants me back. i refuse to speak to him. to get in touch with me, he must go through my large, much stronger, very angry guy friends.

my ex also tried to tell me i was crazy for being upset about it. so, i showed him what crazy was.

to be honest, it didnt go away for me. two years later and i still do not want anything to do with him. it hurt back then, but i'm 50 billion times happier now.

i'm noticing he's telling you what you need to change. honestly, i think he's the one with more character flaws. my ex tried this maneuver on me too. i dumped him. it was obvious i wasn't good enough for him in his eyes (loser!) so i decided, 'fine, i love my flaws, piss off!'

i'm sending you lots of ehugs. and a word of advice: dont be afraid to let your emotions out. scream and cry all you want, you deserve a chance to.

[glambman]

i wouldnt try to make this work.

'fine, i love my flaws, piss off!'

+1

Do not settle for someone who doesn't respect you (yes, cheating shows a total lack of respect). Get on with your life, without him.

[justifymylove]

Ugh, how slimy. There are many situations where I think couples can get over an incidence of cheating, but this isn't one of them as others have said. It wasn't a momentary lapse, and he then tried to pin it on you?? That's completely disrespectful.

Don't let him have the power over you to make you think that you are the problem or that his cheating means YOU need to change, and don't let this make you think you don't deserve comfort from your friends and family over something like this. You obviously had your reasons for being in the relationship, who hasn't been there, and now you have great reasons for getting out and finding someone who won't feel justified in cheating just because you two had a fight!!

[verfolgung]

I'm sorry this kind of thing happend to you. Hopefully, you will find the strength to move onto the next chapter of your life, and find someone who is worthy of your love.

Take care.

[britneyireland]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

I'm not sticking up for him, because what he did was wrong. But I do understand it. Cheating is the result of problems in a relationship, not the cause.

One resource I found very helpful to understand infidelity is by Dr Williard Harley, the author of His Needs, Her Needs. It really helped me to put my anger and resentment aside and see how i could affair-proof my relationships in the future.

[angelicat]

Leave him. You don't trust him anymore... I don't think you can EVER go back to trusting someone ONE HUNDRED PERCENT after they have cheated. Can't have a relationship w/o trust.

If you hadn't invested so much of your time in your relationship with him, what would you do?

[redhothoney]

I know betrayal is the worst feeling in the world. I know how hard it is to walk out of a situation, when you've been with the person that long. I hope that you do what feels right for you, and nobody else, but you. God Bless You for staying strong, your not going on a wild drinking binge, or anything crazy like that I hope that you are coping with it in a healthy way.

[kenitajonez]

You say you want to work it out, does he? It takes two people. Also, this may sound harsh but its something I came across when I was going through the same thing, you can't make yourself the victim. There is a reason he did this. He said it was because you were fighting? If you can't change what 'made' him cheat you cant change the relationship. Learn the phrase 'I forgive you for not being what I expected you to be" and say it often. That helped me.
Also remember that although things get better with time, its what you do with the time that matter. Stay strong.

[redhothoney]

Also remember that although things get better with time, its what you do with the time that matter. Stay strong.

Great words of advice!!

[glambman]

You say you want to work it out, does he? It takes two people. Also, this may sound harsh but its something I came across when I was going through the same thing, you can't make yourself the victim. There is a reason he did this. He said it was because you were fighting? If you can't change what 'made' him cheat you cant change the relationship. Learn the phrase 'I forgive you for not being what I expected you to be" and say it often. That helped me.
Also remember that although things get better with time, its what you do with the time that matter. Stay strong.

Noooooo, listen to the other women.

Even if things were not good between you two, for him to 'go somewhere else' shows a complete lack of respect. If he didn't have enough respect to tell you there is an/ are issues, then he's not worth holding onto.

From a dangler's perspective: you busted him and he's trying to turn the tables to make it seem like its your fault. Do not fall for this.

Yes, it is important to forgive, but also to realize it is not your fault, and to bid him good riddance.

[justtobenaked]

Thank you all foe all of the great advice. yet I am still at a crossroads, I know that my biggest downfall and most of what we have argued aout is our past problems, and now this is one of them. I know that I may heal over time, and that I may never trust another man completely. I know that even though I am trying to get past this...he will always have hurt me and the possibility of him doing this again is great because he has done it before. ....so why...why...is it hard to leave? I will always have to have a relationship of some kind with him for our children. He told me that he did not want to say anything about the affair in fear of me running far with our kids and him never finding us again. Although it may be true that I would like to be away from him, I could never take them from their father. No, I am not staying with him for the kids. I told him that I need time to think about what to do, and he has not left my side. He shows up at my work, is calling me to check on me now?? Although I wish he had been this way all along...the way he was when we met....I have just been trying to live life and take care of things. I am not brushing it under the rug, but I need to release. I still have yet to tell anyone because they will take me to have a drink and that is a road I want nothing of. The funny thing is..is that I was just going to buy a place right next to hers! He was urging it before all of this. I asked him why and he seemded to think he could come out with it easier??? He confuses me. He has been so good to me lately. He has been calm, helpful and around very often. I blew up at him one day, and he was mad about it. He came to me later and said that he realized that I was going through the hardest time and that he needed to give me time and space. And he has been. If in the end I walk away, I walk away. I am not sure what to do? I have never had to deal with this ever, and I never thought I would. I thought he was my best friend. My true companion. I am torn...will I break my kids heart?

[rayna]

i'm so sorry this happened to you. I can relate to your pain, recently found out my husband had been pursuing one of my "friends" for months

please dont even let him try to make you feel bad about who you are or blame you for his low-down cheating behavior!!!

right now i understand you feel lonely, hurt, abandoned and you need to vent that sadness, but dont let him take advantage of your vulnerability to suck you back in. If you sincerely think you can forgive him and want to stay, great, but give yourself enough time and space to think about it.

Reach out to your friends... you probably need support and advice right now. At first i didnt want to talk about it either, but getting it off your chest and into the open can be a huge relief. Oh, and good job on not self destructing and drowning your sorrow!! situations like these are really eye openers in terms of realizing that you ultimately have to count on yourself and nobody else (whooo, guess i sound kind of bitter, lol) so now is the time to be strong for yourself and your kids who need you! I think you can do it, and in the end you will feel a lot better about yourself.

sending you lots and lots of E-hugs <3

[BIGJosh]

If he's been cheating on you, then it will continue. Maybe not w/her, but down the road, and if you keep taking him back, or forgiving him, he'll think it's ok and do it again. Once a cheater always a cheater. IMHO, thats the one thing you can do to me, that I will never forgive anyone for doing. You may as well break up with someone if you want to check out the other side of the fence, you know?

Im sorry he hurt you dear, thats a shame, especially after so long. Hang in there, chalk it up as a "life lesson", and move on.

[Christyismyalias]

And he feels that I led him to her because we fought over Lord knows what.

GIRL! NO!!! HE IS TRYING TO MANIPULATE!! He is trying to make you think this is your fault!
He is a liar, he does not respect you, and he does not deserve you! Know your self worth!! You will treat yourself better that he will and you deserve better.

I know it is so hard, you love him and you have dedicated so much of your life to him. But he obviously does not respect you and especially if he is not taking responsibility for his actions and is trying to put blame on you! You deserve BETTER. Honesty is the most important thing and he didn't even have the balls to tell you, you caught HIM! He is a LOSER. Move on before he hurts you any more! You said he is saying you need to change? HE CHEATED! how is that your fault! You need to love you for you and there is someone out there that will love you for you as well!

I am so sorry this happened to you, and I know I am just an outside source and don't know your feelings for him, but just know you deserve BETTER! You said you felt it was over before, consider this the proof.

After getting out of my last relationship (which was not a healthy one), good friend said "would you rather hurt a whole lot for a little while, or a little for a long time" and it is so true. It hurts like hell at first, but it gets easier and you get stronger and you realize it was for the better.

GOOD LUCK SWEETIE! I wish you the best! Know your self worth and that you deserve BETTER!!!! This will make you stronger!

[BIGJosh]

I found out just recently that the man that I have been with for a very long time (10+ years) has been cheating....for awhile. I caught him over at her house. I have never felt so low. My first reaction was to leave...but now I do not know what to do? Why did he not break up with me long ago?? When I asked him...he said that he did not want to hurt me...but this is much worse. I trusted him. I have given him so much space that now I feel if this can work I have to know where he is at at all times. I can't live like this...I am torn. I have never felt so low. I have not shared this with anybody because I feel like a fool. I wrote almost a year ago on this site, that i felt it was over...but I never thought that he was invovlved with someone else. How does this go away if you try to make it work? I know that no one can have answers because how I handle it is up to me...the outcome is never definite.

But I feel trapped when I have spent alot of my life with him. When I told him that I could try to work through this...he is slowly giving me details about what they did together?? He says that I did things for him she couldnt and vice versus.. And he feels that I led him to her because we fought over Lord knows what. I always say that even after leaving me to be on the road for months at a time with his friends no less....I never cheated. In retrospect...had I known when I wanted to leave..I do not know if it would have been easier. Where do I go for help? I feel alone? If I go to family they will say I told you so because they have never liked him. He feels that I need to change and keeps suggesting little things, and has promised to work on it. But how do you get betrayal out the mix?

I'm so sorry this happened to you dear. I can relate, usually ALL of the women I've ever dated have @ one time or another "Cheated" on Me(Although my last serious ex gf 3.5 years claims she didn't , but how she shit on me, and the circumstances aurrounding her "all of a sudden like" marriage to a guy she barely knew after our breakup, makes me wonder). They always said i was "too nice" to them , whatever that means.

My opinion on a cheater is: once a cheater...ALWAYS a cheater. You can never trust that person again(at least I cant), in fear, they'll do it again.

IMHO, that's the most deplorable/reprehensible/unforgiveable thing anyone can do to another in a relationship.


If you dont mind me asking, how did you "catch him" over @ some girls house? had you known ,or suspected he may be cheating? Why do people do this?

[Cappii]

Hi. I can completely relate to how you feel about this. My first marriage was destroyed 2 weeks after it began by my ex-wife cheating on me with her high school sweetheart. I stayed then because I loved her and thought that I could make her change. That turned into years of having my flaws pointed out and being told that I was lazy and good for nothing... bearing in mind that I was the only one who worked or made an effort to try to allow us any kind of real life. It was a constant struggle, and it never really died down. Her guilt led her to accuse me often of cheating so that she could feel justified. However, as I found out later, it never stopped. She was just more careful about who she did it with, and where she went to do it. I spent the better part of 10 years feeling paranoid and jealous of every guy I saw talking to her... only to find out that I was right all along about most of the ones that I had suspected. We've been apart now for nearly 4 years. We are divorced, and I am remarried, and am happy with my life now. I have custody of our children, as well, and they are well-adjusted and are praised as great kids at school and when they visit family and friends. The hatred never really goes away, though. I try very hard to get along with her for the kids sake, but most of the time when she comes to get them, I just want to spit in her face.

Don't spend your life hoping that things are going to be different, hun. And don't worry about breaking your kids heart, as it would be MUCH worse psychologically for the child to be in a house full of stress and distrust than to only be with one parent. There is visitation, etc., anyway. Most people never change. Either they are incapable, or just plain don't want to.

You coming to the site about it shows that you know things are wrong, and the major consensus on here all reads the same: move on with your lives. You and your kid will be better in the long run for it. And, a piece of advice from someone who spent 3 years as a single father of 2: Don't be afraid to be the bad guy sometimes, too. Kids need a friend and a nurturer, but they need someone who cares enough to tell them "no" as well. Much elove and ehugs to you, and all the best in whatever you decide to do.... but you are not and will not be alone.

[bexxx]

Please leave this situation now.

'once a cheater always a cheater' You dont really want to waste more time, trust, commitment etc on this man when he will throw it away again.
Dont listen to the details about what he did, as much as you want to..youre only going to keep thinking about them.
Just because he is being nice now, ignore it..it wont last.
The fact he is saying you led him to her is disgusting!

Walk away with your head held high. Believe me its hard but time heals everything. You will find someone amazing who will not treat you like this so you will not look back on your life and wonder why you wasted it all on a cheater.

Be mature about the situation and work out how you can both see your kids etc but keep it at that, dont let him talk you into getting back with him.
My parents are divorced and I am fine about it.

There is no excuses..he is a dick for cheating, you let him do it twice then youre the dick. Sorry. Please feel better... there is so many people you can talk to about your hurt and feeling, so many women have been throught this..like I said please walk away. xxx

[Kylea2]

Children can survive separation... so don't get tied up with him just over them.

It sounds to me like you need to legally separate, and live somewhere else, so you can work out some of the issues and decide what you really want.

Personally, I would leave him. Let him go do whatever he's going to do with that other woman... he'll realize the mistake he made. You need time to heal, and you aren't going to be able to do that when you have to deal with him everyday. Just because you end things now doesn't mean you are ending them forever... plenty of people get back together, remarry etc - and are happier the second time around because they learned, healed and matured a lot while they were separated.

Plus, then if another man comes along who treats you better, you aren't stuck with the current one.

[rayna]

my parents got divorced when i was 14 and i was actually relieved. I would rather see them separated and relatively happy than together and miserable.

it is really important to keep it civil though, often kids get caught in the crossfire of parent's fighting, neglected when parents' remarry or one of the parent's no longer feels obliged to care for their children if the other has custody. That is far more damaging then a separation in itself, which can actually relieve tensions in the family and be beneficial to kids.

just my 0.02!

[hikaru]

There is a reason he did this. He said it was because you were fighting? If you can't change what 'made' him cheat you cant change the relationship. Learn the phrase 'I forgive you for not being what I expected you to be" and say it often. That helped me.
Also remember that although things get better with time, its what you do with the time that matter. Stay strong.

I don't know but I guess it's just me. REASONS can be just EXCUSES.

To the OP, stay strong. For me, there is never a good reason to cheat. It's immature and very irresponsible. If he has some problem with your relationship, he should deal with it, talk to you about it, fix it or get out of it.

[kynetik]

IT's the worst thing to do to someone. Leave him. Bukowski said 'If you have the capacity to love, love yourself first.' Please please please try to love yourself first. xxxxx